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Diary of a Trip to the Zoo

elephants

 

 

8:00 am Wake up super excited about the zoo if only to see the Asian elephant exhibit. Try to rally kids to my level of excitement. Fail.

8:30 am Argue with kids about the value of a good breakfast bringing up the excellent point that I don’t want to start buying expensive snacks at the zoo as soon as we get there since it defeats the purpose of using free passes.

9:00 Give 5 minute warning that we are leaving for the zoo.

9:05 “Please put your shoes on.”

9:06 “Please put your shoes on.”

9:07 “Please put your shoes on.”

9:08 “Put your shoes on.”

9:09 “Put. Your. Shoes. On.”

9:40 Leave for the zoo.

10:30 Arrive at the zoo with clenched jaw and sore neck from listening to kids argue about whether or not orangutans are monkeys. I settle the argument by letting them know orangutans are indeed monkeys. After Googling it in the parking lot find out I’m wrong. Orangutans are apes. I do not share this.

10:45 After waiting in long line to get into the zoo, realize passes are expired and we must pay full price.

10:48 Kids say they are starving.  We head to the nearest snack stand.

10:55 Pay $67 for 3 hotdogs one order of onion rings a pretzel and three lemonades. One four dollar lemonade spills on the way to the table. Shed my first tear of the day.

11: 20 Throw away most of the food and listen to kids yell that they want ice cream. Think about wanting a beer. Remember I don’t drink anymore and shed a second tear. Begin to suspect this may have been a bad idea.

11:22 Head to flamingos. After making it  20 ft. six-year-old claims she’s too tired to walk. Carry her for two minutes before deciding that it would be best to rent a stroller. Other six-year-old doesn’t want to walk either. Pay $11 for a double stroller.

11:35 Heave double stroller weighed down by ninety pounds of the combined weight of two six-year-olds in the general uphill direction of the flamingos.
11:45 Stop at flamingos. Kids can’t see through the fence. Suggest that getting out of the stroller might provide access to a better vantage point. Get met with dead stares.

11:47 Begin hyping the Elephants of Asia exhibit.

12:00 Attempt to bypass the insects due to intense dislike of bugs. Fail. Spend next ten long excruciating minutes in front of a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach. Find out against my will that female Madagascar cockroaches give birth to live young. Know in my heart of hearts that there won’t be enough Tylenol PM in the world to help me sleep that night.

12:15 Head in general direction of elephants, which seem to be at the farthest point of the zoo.

12:17 Kids spot playground and insist on stopping to play.

12:58 Explain that we really must move on to see some animals since if the kids were just going to want to play on a playground for an hour we could have just walked to the park.

1:15 Move at snail’s pace toward elephants. Nine-year-old wants to stop and rest. Sit down on bench.  Kids decide they are ready to go home.

1:25 Insist that we stop at Bat-Eared Fox exhibit because we are going to see some goddamned animals if it fucking kills us!

1:27 Start questioning parenting ability.

1:39 Generate a small amount of interest in stopping to see the apes.

1:50 Maneuver all kids out of stroller, through throngs of unruly kids and adults  and finally get them positioned right smack in front of the apes. Success. Feel secretly smug about being a great mom.

1:51 Look up at where people are pointing to see the biggest ape standing front and center furiously masturbating.

1:51:30 Remember thirty seconds too late that most apes unlike humans have zero sexual modesty. Begin trying to explain about how apes sometimes can get a very very itchy penis.

1:52 Six-year-old wonders if ape’s penis got poison ivy since it seems so extremely itchy.

2:00 Push on toward Asian elephants while answering question after question about itchy penises.
2:10 Promise ice cream just as soon as we see the elephants.

2:11 Stop at ice cream cart and spend $16 dollars on 4 glorified popsicles.  Curse life.

2:20 Ask kids to please stop saying the word penis.

2:30 Arrive at the elephants which are all sleeping.  Feel like crying. But then start joining children in yelling to elephants to “Wake up!” “Wake up, you lazy elephants! You have a job to do! You are asleep on the job! Start giggling. When six-year-old yells “Hey, they don’t pay you the big bucks to lay around all day!” Start laughing.

2:32 See elderly couple gives kids and me a dirty look. Laugh harder. Think to self that some people take the zoo way too seriously.

2:40 Return the stroller.

2:45 Carry six-year-old through the parking lot because her “legs hurt from walking so much!”

3: Drive home while mentally tallying the cost of the day which including entrance comes out to $157 dollars. Look in rear view mirror and see two out of three kids fast asleep one of whom is covered in chocolate popsicle. Admit to self that in the end, it actually was totally worth it.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 23, 2014 11:06 am4 comments  

Feeding the Kitty and Other Euphemisms for Sex

bakingcookiesWe all know that once you have a couple of kids, start tooling around town in a minivan and dressing only in yoga pants it gets tougher to feel sexy. But you know what else makes it tough to feel sexy? Rarely being able to talk about sex anymore -having to rely on vague euphemisms such as “making cookies” or “mommy and daddy are going to take a nap.” Remember the days before children when you could talk dirty to your partner any old time you want? You could walk into the kitchen, slap their ass and let them know what you’d be serving up that night for dessert (hint: it ain’t chocolate mousse). Now we have to be a bit more creative if we want to keep the spark alive. For this reason, I took to Facebook and asked for your favorite euphemism for sex. Here are some of my favorites.

 

Playing a little poker

Getting congress in session

Doing squat jumps in the cucumber patch

Getting some vitamin F.

Taking the Weinermobile for a spin

Doing the antler dance

Do you have time for some breakfast sausage?

Talking about Christmas

Chitty Chitty Bang Bang

Bidness time

Paying the rent

Checking for ticks

“Appreciating” each other.

Richard visiting Virginia

Nik Nik –from Latke on Taxi

Riding the wild Gillooly

Snaking the drain

Taking old One Eye to the optometrist

Going to Home Depot

Buttering the beans

Feeding the kitty

Putting a roll of coins in the change box

Frosting the pastry

Dinky Dunkin’

Okay, I think that’s enough. Do you have any you’d like to add?

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on June 24, 2013 11:14 am1 comment  

Parental Discretion

ParentalDiscretion-1Just wanted to let you know that Parental Discretion got a pick-up for season 2! I couldn’t be more excited to go back into production (probably in August) and have brand new episodes on the air by January. In the meantime, new episode are still rolling out including this Monday, May 27th at 11 pm.

I’m trying to think of ridiculous things to do for the new season such as the pole dancing class I did or the tattoo I got. One idea I have is a trapeze class. What do you think? I need ideas! Give them to me! And watch the show on Nick Jr. so I can fool NickMom into thinking I have fans!

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on May 23, 2013 12:27 pm1 comment  

Top 10 Reasons You Should Be Glad I Didn’t Blog in My Twenties

1. When I read my journals from that period in my life, I mostly enjoyed listing what I ate that day. My blog would have been a non-funny, really bad version of Brigit Jones’ Diary. What I’m saying is I don’t think anyone would have bought the movie rights.

2. Drunk Blogging: I gotta be honest and say that many journal entries were written after a night out with quite a few Long Island Iced Teas creating havoc in my blood stream. A lot of really deep thoughts fizzled out mid-sentence. I can only imagine how shitty I would feel after realizing I’d hit “publish” in a blackout.

3. There would be virtually no talk about parenting which is…well sorta why people read my blog. On the other hand, no talk about parenting!

4. There probably would have been multiple instances of me writing “Talk to the hand.” And no, I probably wouldn’t have been being ironic.

5. The biggest story going when I was in my twenties was AIDS and AIDS is not as funny as you’d think to write about.

6. If you don’t like it when I do posts on American Idol you really would have hated my Star Search recaps

7. No husband bitching.

8. Due to my obsessive nature, all posts about my dating life would have started out “He STILL hasn’t called!”

9. I can’t think of a number nine due to all the partying I did in my 20′s.

10. You would have been subjected to pictures like THIS!

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 I don’t even know whose cat that is! Okay, so if you want more posts on this topic, hop on over to one of these blogs and see why you should be glad they didn’t blog in their 20′s. It’s a blog hop y’all!

 

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 30, 2013 9:03 pm17 comments  

Four-Year-Olds: A Time Line

SadieKids are insane. We all know that. But to me, no age is insaner than four. There is no method to the madness, no explanation for the moods, no rationale to the irrational. This was a typical day in the life of my four-year-old -thankfully now five year old.

4:30 a.m. Hmm…I’m half awake. It would be so much comfier in mommy and daddy’s bed right smack between them where I can make my body seem almost twice as big and mommy and daddy can pretty much kiss the rest of their sleep goodbye.

4:35 a.m. OH NO! NO NO NO. I left Purple Blanket in my bed! If I cry I’m sure mommy will go get it because I am too tired to walk all the way back to my room.

5:01 a.m. Oh my gosh I overslept! Time to let these people know I need breakfast.

7:30 a.m. Please don’t let mommy tell me that I have to go to school. If mommy tells me it’s a school day I think I might cry. Scratch that. I know I’ll cry. OH NO! Mommy just said it’s a school day!! Oh, I’m snack girl today? That means I’m the line leader when we go outside! I want to go to school right now! Why aren’t we leaving for school NOW?

7:40 a.m. I MUST GET JUICE! I have never ever ever been this thirsty! Ug, why must my mommy always make me say please? It’s so time consuming. She could’ve been back with my juice by the time it took her to get me to say please. She needs to work on her time management skills.

7:55 a.m. Mommy turned on the TV! She totally read my mind! She knew I really really wanted to watch TV.

8:02 a.m. SWEET JESUS, I LOVE CAILLOU! HE’S FOUR JUST LIKE ME! I must relay this news to my mommy twenty times.

8:17 a.m. Why won’t someone change the channel. I’ve been watching Caillou for a thousand hours. He’s good but not that good.

8:30 a.m. I really like to be naked.

8:45 a.m. Mommy has asked me to get dressed so many times today. That’s funny. I wonder if daddy’s iPhone is charged up. I need to play games on daddy’s phone right now. I don’t want to get dressed, I want to play games! Why is mommy trying to make me get dressed? I don’t want to go to school! I want to watch TV and play games all day. Oh yeah, I get to be the line leader, I forgot. I am going to go get dressed.

9:15 a.m. I WANTED TO OPEN THE FRONT DOOR! WHY DID MOMMY OPEN THE FRONT DOOR WHEN I WANTED TO? THERE ARE NO WORDS! ONLY TEARS!

9:30 a.m. I must remind all the kids who are already outside playing in my loudest voice that I am the line leader today and nobody else! Hmm…why doesn’t anyone want to play with me?

10:00 a.m. I LOVE SCHOOL.

10:06 a.m. I HATE SCHOOL.

11:30 a.m. I want to go home right now.

11:45 a.m. I want to live here permanently.

11:46 a.m. I wish my teacher Martha was my mommy. She smells like bubblegum.

11:50 a.m  I’m hungry. Oh God I have never been this hungry ever.  Never ever.

12:00 Mmmm! pizza! I think I will have two whole bites!

1:00 p.m. I don’t want to take a nap!

1:05 p.m. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..

3:00 p.m. When is my mommy coming to pick me up??? Why isn’t my mommy here? I’m going to cry and cry until my mommy comes to pick me up! Oooh, pretzels.

3:15 p.m. She is still not here! Why why why? I bet Ariel has never had to wait this long for her mommy to pick her up. I wish I were a mermaid. My life would be ten thousand times better if I lived in the ocean.

3:30 p.m. Mommy!!!!! Oh no, mommy’s here! I don’t want to leave!

3:35 p.m. Now would be a great time to remind mommy that she promised to take us to McDonalds today.  Why is mommy acting like she’s embarrassed in front of the other mommies? There’s nothing embarrassing about being a great mommy!

3:45 p.m.  I wonder where mommy is taking us now. Hopefully the 99 cents store! I LOVE THE 99 CENTS STORE!

4:01 p.m. Why is mommy constantly asking me if I need to go pee-pee? I don’t have to go pee-pee!!!

4:05 I CAN’T BELIEVE MOMMY JUST SAID WE CAN’T GO TO THE 99 CENTS STORE. AM I HAVING A BAD DREAM? PLEASE SOMEONE TELL ME THIS IS ONLY A DREAM AND WHEN I WAKE UP I WILL BE GOING TO THE 99 CENTS STORE.

4:06 Uh oh, I have to go pee-pee.

4:15 Oh no, I reeeeaaaally have to go pee pee. I should tell mommy I need to go pee pee.
4:17 Too late.

4:20 Yay, mommy is playing the tickle spider game with me.

4:40 Why does mommy not want to play the tickle spider game anymore? We only played it for ONE MINUTE!

4:42 Phew, mommy turned the TV on. Why is there just a man talking? I want to watch a kids’ show. This is clearly not a kid’s show. Why is mommy not responding when I yell at her to change the channel right now? THIS IS THE WORST MINUTE OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!

4:43 Ha! Fresh Beat Band! Hurray! I love my mommy.

4:44 I’m sad. No reason.

4:46 MY MOUTH IS SO DRY! MUST. GET. JUICE.

5:00 Mommy is in the shower so this would be the absolute perfect time to let her know that I am really hungry.

5:10 Why is mommy getting so frustrated? I only said no to the last fifteen suggestions she made for things to make me to eat. We will find something for me to say y-e-s to eventually. Hopefully it will be pudding.

5:30 I ate one bite of my cream cheese sandwich. I can’t understand why I’m not being allowed to eat my Halloween candy until I have four more bites. I’M FULL.

5:41 I think I will play some games on mommy’s computer. But first I need to put on a costume.

6:50 Daddy’s home! Unfortunately, I’m a little tied up playing Jake and the Neverland Pirates so I can’t go say hi to him. I’ll let him come to me.

7:00 Why won’t mommy and daddy let me play any more games? I only started playing them a few minutes ago! THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO ME! There aren’t enough tears in the world to express how strongly I feel about this.

7:45 I don’t want to get in my jammies! I want to sleep in my costume tonight! I NEED TO SLEEP IN MY COSTUME! NOOOOOOOO…

8:00 Those were good stories. But I sure am hungry. I better tell mommy that I’m ready for my cream cheese sandwich now.

8:34 I’M STILL HUNGRY. I’M SO SO SO HUNGRY. AND THIRSTY. NEED JUICE. FINE. MILK THEN.

8:37 WHERE IS MY PURPLE BLANKET? I CAN’T FIND IT ANYWHERE! HOW CAN I SLEEP WITHOUT PURPLE BLANKET?  I must yell and yell until someone comes running. Oh purple blanket was right next to me? Well how was I supposed to know that? Since daddy is here I should tell him that I hate school and that all of the kids are so mean. Hey, where is he going?

8:45 I CAN’T SLEEP! OH NO! I CAN’T FALL ASLEEP! I’ll NEVER EVER BE ABLE TO FALL ASLEEP!

8:46 zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

4:30 Mommy and Daddy’s bed sounds so good right now…

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 29, 2013 11:52 am6 comments  


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