9. Take a compliment – If you tell my daughter she has nice eyes she’ll say “Thank you” and move on with her day. Tell me I have nice eyes and I will start with, “Oh, that’s just because I have mascara on from last night because I’m so lazy I couldn’t even be bothered to wash off my make-up!” and end next Tuesday.
8. Play basketball –My kid actually enjoys organized sports. I think she’s adopted.
7. Update my Instagram account –Until recently, I didn’t even realize I still had one. Now thanks to her constant updates because, “Mom, it’s illegal for me to have my own account until I’m 13 so can I use yours?” I have a ton of new followers.
6. Rocking colored hair dye –My kids can do a pink streak like nobody’s business. If I tried to do it I would just look like the world’s oldest Cyndi Lauper fan.
5. Remembering stuff –and thank goodness for that since even if I put something down on my to-do list, in ten minutes I’ve forgotten that I even have a do-list. I’m old.
4. Stop eating when she’s full. Oh yeah, she’ll eat half a bowl of ice cream and leave the rest to melt because…because…I don’t know! There’s no possible valid reason for leaving a perfectly good HALF BOWL OF ICE CREAM. Does she not understand the healing powers of dessert? Does she not have feelings she needs to numb with sugar? What is her deal? I don’t get it, is what I’m telling you.
3. Shake off disappointment – Last week she was devastated that she didn’t get the part she wanted in her school play. There were tears but the next day she said, “Hey, it’s not Broadway” and moved on. I’m still nursing a grudge about a party I wasn’t invited to in 2003.
2. Accessorize. Seriously, this kid can figure how to tie a scarf to make it look “kicky.” She can somehow pair just the right stud earrings with a cute barrette. I, on the other hand, have been know to spend an hour trying to determine if I can wear work shoes with yoga pants. According to my daughter the answer is, no.
1. Keep a secret. Do you have a crush on someone but you don’t want anyone to know? Well don’t tell me because I can’t keep my mouth shut. But if you tell my daughter not to say anything, she really won’t say anything. She’d make a terrible cast member on the Real Housewives.
8:00 am Wake up super excited about the zoo if only to see the Asian elephant exhibit. Try to rally kids to my level of excitement. Fail.
8:30 am Argue with kids about the value of a good breakfast bringing up the excellent point that I don’t want to start buying expensive snacks at the zoo as soon as we get there since it defeats the purpose of using free passes.
9:00 Give 5 minute warning that we are leaving for the zoo.
9:05 “Please put your shoes on.”
9:06 “Please put your shoes on.”
9:07 “Please put your shoes on.”
9:08 “Put your shoes on.”
9:09 “Put. Your. Shoes. On.”
9:40 Leave for the zoo.
10:30 Arrive at the zoo with clenched jaw and sore neck from listening to kids argue about whether or not orangutans are monkeys. I settle the argument by letting them know orangutans are indeed monkeys. After Googling it in the parking lot find out I’m wrong. Orangutans are apes. I do not share this.
10:45 After waiting in long line to get into the zoo, realize passes are expired and we must pay full price.
10:48 Kids say they are starving. We head to the nearest snack stand.
10:55 Pay $67 for 3 hotdogs one order of onion rings a pretzel and three lemonades. One four dollar lemonade spills on the way to the table. Shed my first tear of the day.
11: 20 Throw away most of the food and listen to kids yell that they want ice cream. Think about wanting a beer. Remember I don’t drink anymore and shed a second tear. Begin to suspect this may have been a bad idea.
11:22 Head to flamingos. After making it 20 ft. six-year-old claims she’s too tired to walk. Carry her for two minutes before deciding that it would be best to rent a stroller. Other six-year-old doesn’t want to walk either. Pay $11 for a double stroller.
11:35 Heave double stroller weighed down by ninety pounds of the combined weight of two six-year-olds in the general uphill direction of the flamingos.
11:45 Stop at flamingos. Kids can’t see through the fence. Suggest that getting out of the stroller might provide access to a better vantage point. Get met with dead stares.
11:47 Begin hyping the Elephants of Asia exhibit.
12:00 Attempt to bypass the insects due to intense dislike of bugs. Fail. Spend next ten long excruciating minutes in front of a Madagascar Hissing Cockroach. Find out against my will that female Madagascar cockroaches give birth to live young. Know in my heart of hearts that there won’t be enough Tylenol PM in the world to help me sleep that night.
12:15 Head in general direction of elephants, which seem to be at the farthest point of the zoo.
12:17 Kids spot playground and insist on stopping to play.
12:58 Explain that we really must move on to see some animals since if the kids were just going to want to play on a playground for an hour we could have just walked to the park.
1:15 Move at snail’s pace toward elephants. Nine-year-old wants to stop and rest. Sit down on bench. Kids decide they are ready to go home.
1:25 Insist that we stop at Bat-Eared Fox exhibit because we are going to see some goddamned animals if it fucking kills us!
1:27 Start questioning parenting ability.
1:39 Generate a small amount of interest in stopping to see the apes.
1:50 Maneuver all kids out of stroller, through throngs of unruly kids and adults and finally get them positioned right smack in front of the apes. Success. Feel secretly smug about being a great mom.
1:51 Look up at where people are pointing to see the biggest ape standing front and center furiously masturbating.
1:51:30 Remember thirty seconds too late that most apes unlike humans have zero sexual modesty. Begin trying to explain about how apes sometimes can get a very very itchy penis.
1:52 Six-year-old wonders if ape’s penis got poison ivy since it seems so extremely itchy.
2:00 Push on toward Asian elephants while answering question after question about itchy penises.
2:10 Promise ice cream just as soon as we see the elephants.
2:11 Stop at ice cream cart and spend $16 dollars on 4 glorified popsicles. Curse life.
2:20 Ask kids to please stop saying the word penis.
2:30 Arrive at the elephants which are all sleeping. Feel like crying. But then start joining children in yelling to elephants to “Wake up!” “Wake up, you lazy elephants! You have a job to do! You are asleep on the job! Start giggling. When six-year-old yells “Hey, they don’t pay you the big bucks to lay around all day!” Start laughing.
2:32 See elderly couple gives kids and me a dirty look. Laugh harder. Think to self that some people take the zoo way too seriously.
2:40 Return the stroller.
2:45 Carry six-year-old through the parking lot because her “legs hurt from walking so much!”
3: Drive home while mentally tallying the cost of the day which including entrance comes out to $157 dollars. Look in rear view mirror and see two out of three kids fast asleep one of whom is covered in chocolate popsicle. Admit to self that in the end, it actually was totally worth it.
We all know that once you have a couple of kids, start tooling around town in a minivan and dressing only in yoga pants it gets tougher to feel sexy. But you know what else makes it tough to feel sexy? Rarely being able to talk about sex anymore -having to rely on vague euphemisms such as “making cookies” or “mommy and daddy are going to take a nap.” Remember the days before children when you could talk dirty to your partner any old time you want? You could walk into the kitchen, slap their ass and let them know what you’d be serving up that night for dessert (hint: it ain’t chocolate mousse). Now we have to be a bit more creative if we want to keep the spark alive. For this reason, I took to Facebook and asked for your favorite euphemism for sex. Here are some of my favorites.
Playing a little poker
Getting congress in session
Doing squat jumps in the cucumber patch
Getting some vitamin F.
Taking the Weinermobile for a spin
Doing the antler dance
Do you have time for some breakfast sausage?
Talking about Christmas
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Paying the rent
Checking for ticks
“Appreciating” each other.
Richard visiting Virginia
Nik Nik –from Latke on Taxi
Riding the wild Gillooly
Snaking the drain
Taking old One Eye to the optometrist
Going to Home Depot
Buttering the beans
Feeding the kitty
Putting a roll of coins in the change box
Frosting the pastry
Okay, I think that’s enough. Do you have any you’d like to add?
Just wanted to let you know that Parental Discretion got a pick-up for season 2! I couldn’t be more excited to go back into production (probably in August) and have brand new episodes on the air by January. In the meantime, new episode are still rolling out including this Monday, May 27th at 11 pm.
I’m trying to think of ridiculous things to do for the new season such as the pole dancing class I did or the tattoo I got. One idea I have is a trapeze class. What do you think? I need ideas! Give them to me! And watch the show on Nick Jr. so I can fool NickMom into thinking I have fans!
1. When I read my journals from that period in my life, I mostly enjoyed listing what I ate that day. My blog would have been a non-funny, really bad version of Brigit Jones’ Diary. What I’m saying is I don’t think anyone would have bought the movie rights.
2. Drunk Blogging: I gotta be honest and say that many journal entries were written after a night out with quite a few Long Island Iced Teas creating havoc in my blood stream. A lot of really deep thoughts fizzled out mid-sentence. I can only imagine how shitty I would feel after realizing I’d hit “publish” in a blackout.
3. There would be virtually no talk about parenting which is…well sorta why people read my blog. On the other hand, no talk about parenting!
4. There probably would have been multiple instances of me writing “Talk to the hand.” And no, I probably wouldn’t have been being ironic.
5. The biggest story going when I was in my twenties was AIDS and AIDS is not as funny as you’d think to write about.
6. If you don’t like it when I do posts on American Idol you really would have hated my Star Search recaps
7. No husband bitching.
8. Due to my obsessive nature, all posts about my dating life would have started out “He STILL hasn’t called!”
9. I can’t think of a number nine due to all the partying I did in my 20’s.
10. You would have been subjected to pictures like THIS!
I don’t even know whose cat that is! Okay, so if you want more posts on this topic, hop on over to one of these blogs and see why you should be glad they didn’t blog in their 20’s. It’s a blog hop y’all!