Archive for the 'Twins' Category

Four-Year-Olds: A Time Line

SadieKids are insane. We all know that. But to me, no age is insaner than four. There is no method to the madness, no explanation for the moods, no rationale to the irrational. This was a typical day in the life of my four-year-old -thankfully now five year old.

4:30 a.m. Hmm…I’m half awake. It would be so much comfier in mommy and daddy’s bed right smack between them where I can make my body seem almost twice as big and mommy and daddy can pretty much kiss the rest of their sleep goodbye.

4:35 a.m. OH NO! NO NO NO. I left Purple Blanket in my bed! If I cry I’m sure mommy will go get it because I am too tired to walk all the way back to my room.

5:01 a.m. Oh my gosh I overslept! Time to let these people know I need breakfast.

7:30 a.m. Please don’t let mommy tell me that I have to go to school. If mommy tells me it’s a school day I think I might cry. Scratch that. I know I’ll cry. OH NO! Mommy just said it’s a school day!! Oh, I’m snack girl today? That means I’m the line leader when we go outside! I want to go to school right now! Why aren’t we leaving for school NOW?

7:40 a.m. I MUST GET JUICE! I have never ever ever been this thirsty! Ug, why must my mommy always make me say please? It’s so time consuming. She could’ve been back with my juice by the time it took her to get me to say please. She needs to work on her time management skills.

7:55 a.m. Mommy turned on the TV! She totally read my mind! She knew I really really wanted to watch TV.

8:02 a.m. SWEET JESUS, I LOVE CAILLOU! HE’S FOUR JUST LIKE ME! I must relay this news to my mommy twenty times.

8:17 a.m. Why won’t someone change the channel. I’ve been watching Caillou for a thousand hours. He’s good but not that good.

8:30 a.m. I really like to be naked.

8:45 a.m. Mommy has asked me to get dressed so many times today. That’s funny. I wonder if daddy’s iPhone is charged up. I need to play games on daddy’s phone right now. I don’t want to get dressed, I want to play games! Why is mommy trying to make me get dressed? I don’t want to go to school! I want to watch TV and play games all day. Oh yeah, I get to be the line leader, I forgot. I am going to go get dressed.


9:30 a.m. I must remind all the kids who are already outside playing in my loudest voice that I am the line leader today and nobody else! Hmm…why doesn’t anyone want to play with me?

10:00 a.m. I LOVE SCHOOL.

10:06 a.m. I HATE SCHOOL.

11:30 a.m. I want to go home right now.

11:45 a.m. I want to live here permanently.

11:46 a.m. I wish my teacher Martha was my mommy. She smells like bubblegum.

11:50 a.m  I’m hungry. Oh God I have never been this hungry ever.  Never ever.

12:00 Mmmm! pizza! I think I will have two whole bites!

1:00 p.m. I don’t want to take a nap!

1:05 p.m. zzzzzzzzzzzzzz…..

3:00 p.m. When is my mommy coming to pick me up??? Why isn’t my mommy here? I’m going to cry and cry until my mommy comes to pick me up! Oooh, pretzels.

3:15 p.m. She is still not here! Why why why? I bet Ariel has never had to wait this long for her mommy to pick her up. I wish I were a mermaid. My life would be ten thousand times better if I lived in the ocean.

3:30 p.m. Mommy!!!!! Oh no, mommy’s here! I don’t want to leave!

3:35 p.m. Now would be a great time to remind mommy that she promised to take us to McDonalds today.  Why is mommy acting like she’s embarrassed in front of the other mommies? There’s nothing embarrassing about being a great mommy!

3:45 p.m.  I wonder where mommy is taking us now. Hopefully the 99 cents store! I LOVE THE 99 CENTS STORE!

4:01 p.m. Why is mommy constantly asking me if I need to go pee-pee? I don’t have to go pee-pee!!!


4:06 Uh oh, I have to go pee-pee.

4:15 Oh no, I reeeeaaaally have to go pee pee. I should tell mommy I need to go pee pee.
4:17 Too late.

4:20 Yay, mommy is playing the tickle spider game with me.

4:40 Why does mommy not want to play the tickle spider game anymore? We only played it for ONE MINUTE!

4:42 Phew, mommy turned the TV on. Why is there just a man talking? I want to watch a kids’ show. This is clearly not a kid’s show. Why is mommy not responding when I yell at her to change the channel right now? THIS IS THE WORST MINUTE OF MY ENTIRE LIFE!

4:43 Ha! Fresh Beat Band! Hurray! I love my mommy.

4:44 I’m sad. No reason.


5:00 Mommy is in the shower so this would be the absolute perfect time to let her know that I am really hungry.

5:10 Why is mommy getting so frustrated? I only said no to the last fifteen suggestions she made for things to make me to eat. We will find something for me to say y-e-s to eventually. Hopefully it will be pudding.

5:30 I ate one bite of my cream cheese sandwich. I can’t understand why I’m not being allowed to eat my Halloween candy until I have four more bites. I’M FULL.

5:41 I think I will play some games on mommy’s computer. But first I need to put on a costume.

6:50 Daddy’s home! Unfortunately, I’m a little tied up playing Jake and the Neverland Pirates so I can’t go say hi to him. I’ll let him come to me.

7:00 Why won’t mommy and daddy let me play any more games? I only started playing them a few minutes ago! THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT’S EVER HAPPENED TO ME! There aren’t enough tears in the world to express how strongly I feel about this.

7:45 I don’t want to get in my jammies! I want to sleep in my costume tonight! I NEED TO SLEEP IN MY COSTUME! NOOOOOOOO…

8:00 Those were good stories. But I sure am hungry. I better tell mommy that I’m ready for my cream cheese sandwich now.


8:37 WHERE IS MY PURPLE BLANKET? I CAN’T FIND IT ANYWHERE! HOW CAN I SLEEP WITHOUT PURPLE BLANKET?  I must yell and yell until someone comes running. Oh purple blanket was right next to me? Well how was I supposed to know that? Since daddy is here I should tell him that I hate school and that all of the kids are so mean. Hey, where is he going?


8:46 zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz….

4:30 Mommy and Daddy’s bed sounds so good right now…

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 29, 2013 11:52 amSadie,Twins6 comments  

The Rest is Still Unwritten

Not every blog entry can be deep or have a message or inspire people to change their lives for the better of society. Every time I sit down at my keyboard I can’t just magically cure blindness or single handedly prevent a global act of terrorism or convince PBS to stop airing Caillou (God knows I’ve tried). I’m not Oprah. Plus, between Jersey Shore and Biggest Loser Where Are They Now specials, I’m pretty busy.


Although I can’t always bring it, I do have these two-year-olds who seem to love the lens only slightly less than Tyra Banks. The other day Sadie was mid crying jag when Jon brought out a camera. She looked at him and still crying, tilted her face toward the camera and whimpered cheeeese. Imagine the “Tres jolie, Coco” moment in Fame -crying and performing.

And then there’s Matilda who is convinced she’s Angelina Jolie. She just has to smell a camera to start making a sexy face. You’d think we were behind the camera coaxing her, work it Mattie! Sell it Sweetheart! You own it! The camera loves you, baby! YOU’RE A STAH! (Imagine I’m an obnoxious Brit)

I give her a year before she refuses to get out of bed for less than ten thou.

The other day I was at the park with them when Mattie broke into a gallop and approached a group of friendly strangers to say hi and give them a little dance -her signature greeting. They all giggled at her and said hi back and then watched her trot back to me and Sadie. Then they all sort of got silent for minute at started to stare. At first I thought maybe I was being a little paranoid, oversensitive. But then I heard them comment to each other in what they mistakenly thought were lower tones trying to figure out if Sadie and Mattie were twins. “I don’t think so but they are definitely close in age” I heard one say. “One is so little.” I could hear them easily and I felt my face get hot. What the fuck? Were we a museum exhibit? I couldn’t understand why I was upset, maybe I figured I was getting past the obvious phase.

As I walked by, on my way out, one of the men in the group asked if they were twins and I said yes. He said “I thought so but they’re, well, so different.”

“Yeah,” I said. “One is a lot smaller.”

And then I realized I didn’t care. Because those people were only staring at the cover of the book. They’d never even read the first chapter so how could they possibly know our whole story?

Our twins were born two years ago on November 26th weighing 2lb and 4lbs. Three weeks later, Matilda came home and right before Christmas, Sadie joined her. Our little Christmas miracle.

And as Natasha Bedingfield sang over and over and over in 2005, the rest is still unwritten.

How weird is this? Natasha Bedingfield was born Nov. 26th.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on December 28, 2009 8:31 pmTwins46 comments  

Let’s Play a Game

Games are an important part of a young child’s development and if you’re not playing lots of games with your child, chances are you’re not a good parent. Trust me, I’m a really good judge. You might want to ask yourself why you refuse to put in the time. Are you selfish? Lazy? Just not that into it? Well, now that you’ve spent a few moments being really tough on yourself, maybe you’re ready to try harder. Here are a few of my family’s favorite games and I’ve included some instructions so you can try them for little to no expense on your wallet, but a high price on your sanity.

Baby-So-Soft! This fun game is for two players and requires only one entire bottle of baby oil (choose your favorite brand because you’ll be smelling it for a week). After your child emerges from the tub, let them catch a glimpse of the baby oil. If they are anything like my child, they will want the baby oil in their hand so badly that any attempts to disuade them will be met with copious amounts of crying. Give in and let your kid have a little oil in their hand which they will then rub on their body, your body, your hair, the couch and the dog. Repeat 20 times or until you are all crying.

52 Thousand Pick-Up: Similar to the beloved card game only with toys and a lot more of them. Here’s how it works: let your kids loose in a room that contains a lot of boxes of toys preferably toys that contain lots of small parts. The game really plays itself but the clean-up is a bitch.

What Am I Saying? Do you love a good guessing game? If so, this is for you. All you need is one child who is a little behind verbally but in addition is easily frustrated. Now get eye level with your child and let the game begin. Are they asking for jammies? Apple juice? The latest National Enquirer? God only knows but you can burn off a good hour trying to figure it out. P.S. if you’re a speech therapist, that’s cheating.

Oh My God Are You Choking??? Caution – this game should not be played if you are suffering from high blood pressure, panic disorder or a heart condition. OMGAYC is great at mealtime but can be played anywhere choking hazards exist. Leave your kids unattended for any amount of time – 10 seconds works equally as well as 10 minutes. When you return, there’s a good chance your baby will be red in the face and have a suspicious lump in their cheek. This is a good time to shriek, “Are you choking? What do you have in your mouth? Show me what’s in your mouth. Let me see that! Oh no, can you breathe?” If your baby is coughing or crying they’re not “officially” choking so you may resume blogging, vacuuming (kidding), sleeping or watching Judge Judy until it’s time to play again.

Sugar Olympics – The most simple of all the games we play: see how long your child can go without asking for a cookie, candy, muffin or other treat. Give yourself 5 good parenting points for every increment of five minutes. Once you hit 20 points, you’re a better parent than I am. Also? Yogurt counts. Come on, it’s all sugar!

Will It Flush? Fans of Letterman and Elmo alike will enjoy this plumbing challenge. Allow your child to gather a ton of objects of various shapes and sizes from around the house (if they can reach your underwear drawer, it’s not off limits). Keep the bathroom door unlocked and then watch them throw one object at a time into the bowl and try to flush it down. If it goes down, they win. If it doesn’t, the plumber wins. For more advanced play, let them throw all the objects in at the same time. This game is best played with all players naked.

Give Mama a Kiss See if your self esteem can withstand the beating that is your kid refusing to kiss you no matter how much you beg. Try asking as sweetly as possible and never show how much it hurts your feelings each time they pull away like you’re suggesting they shove a toothpick in their gums rather than simply granting you a tiny peck on your cheek. After twenty minutes, if you haven’t successfully talked your kid into kissing you, admit defeat and try again later otherwise you may need therapy. If your child refuses to kiss you but happily smootches your husband, your coffee cup and the couch with more passion than if it were Leonardo DiCaprio, you may want to ask yourself something, “Am I playing enough games with them?” And then go back to the beginning of this list.

Feel free to add your own game suggestions in the comments. I can always use the amusement. Unfortunately I had to add the word verification to my comments because I was getting spammed up the butt. I will take it off as soon as I can since I know how annoying it is.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on November 3, 2009 11:52 pmTwins48 comments  

The Happy Report

If you’re out there wondering if things get better after you lose the booze, I’m here to report that it actually does. It really does.

We all know that parenting is difficult. We put crazy expectations on ourselves to serve healthy food, to limit TV, to spend quality time with our shorties (not in front of the TV). We have to make sure they have toys (but not too many or they might get spoiled), clothes, regular doctor’s appointments, healthy boundaries, and self esteem (but not too much or we may turn them into narcissists). It’s enough to make the average parent’s head explode if you think about it too much. It’s enough pressure to drive even the most balanced among us to drink.

I’m learning to take my parenting in bite-sized pieces, it’s the only way I can swallow it without choking. Since I can’t drink or do insane amounts of blow because, apparently, cocaine is also off limits -yeah, whatever, I’m finding that the thing that keeps me sane is lowering my expectations.

Yesterday I provided organic chicken and a buttload of veggies for the kids to eat. The day before that I bought Elby another pair of shoes since her feet are growing faster than Brangelina’s family. Today I plan to take Elby to get a frozen yogurt after school cause I’ve got those kind of parenting chops! Last night I played “open the door” “close the door” with Mattie and Sadie for fifteen minutes straight – completely sober! And then I gave myself a huge pat on the back.

Really, if you set your standards a little lower, you may end up surprising yourself with your competence. Where I used to be gripped with anxiety over all the things I wasn’t doing, I’m now able to sit back and know that although my kids are zoning out watching Diego for the fifth time in one day, they are also madly loved and cared for to the best of my ability. Is it possible that my new found bliss has a lot to do with my twins approaching the more do-able age of two? Sure, anything’s possible, but I prefer to believe I’m just becoming more evolved.

Last night Elby was having trouble getting to sleep. Jon and I were lying on the couch watching Mad Men like everyone else with decent taste in TV programming, but we had to pause it every few minutes when Elby came padding down the hall to report her latest disaster.

Elby: I need to tell you something. (long pause) My pillow fell.

Me: Okaaay. Can you pick it up?

Elby: No. I need daddy to help me.

ten minutes later…

Elby: I need to tell you something. I smell dumplings.

Jon: Here eat one and go on back to bed.

Elby: Okay. But I need to tell you something. Can you also save me one for my lunch tomorrow?

ten minutes later…

Elby: I really need to tell you something. Do you know what happened to the spider that was in the bathtub yesterday?

Me: Don’t you mean I need to ask you something?

At 10 p.m. we hadn’t heard from her in over an hour so assuming she was sleeping I poked my head in her room to make sure. I found her laying in bed eyes wide open staring at the ceiling. Her Burl Ives story CD had been restarted for the third time. I walked over to her bed, looked down at her and whispered, “You having trouble sleeping, bug?” She nodded.

“You can sit with me if you want to, mommy.” So, I sat down on the edge of her bed and rubbed her back. “Do you want to lay in my bed with me for a few minutes?” she asked so sweetly.

I snuggled next to her and stroked her hair which smelled of Suave mango shampoo from a fairly recent hair washing. In less than five minutes her eyes closed, her breathing slowed and she was fast asleep. I layed there with her for another ten minutes taken aback by a wave of emotion for this beautiful, smart, perfect little creature that only came out of my body less than five years ago. I felt honored to be the person with whom she feels safe enough to shut her eyes and drift off to her dreams. I hope I’ve earned it.
This is why parenting is hard. It’s so hard because the rewards are so great.

I’m glad I don’t drink because I would’ve missed that.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on October 19, 2009 8:40 pmDrinking,Twins48 comments  

Oh Snap!

Sadie is over twenty pounds finally. Let’s all let out a collective sigh. Twenty pounds means her car seat was turned around, she’s too big for her size 12 mo. clothes and she has slightly more heft when you hold her. Twenty pounds seems larger, stronger, taller and healthier. Maybe this is imagined but I choose to rejoice in the small victories. That’s how the new sober, more accepting me rolls. Yeah, I’m better than you.

Have I mentioned that this last pound or so has been gained without the aid of the g-tube? We haven’t fed her overnight in months! Her IV pole is being used as a hat rack sort of like most people’s treadmills. Before you present me with my Perfect Parent award, I should tell you that she’s still getting the periactin I told you about a few posts ago (I’m not going to link to it because I’m tired). I love this stuff! Periactin = bueno! I heart periactin. Anyone want to make me a t-shirt? The only side effect of this drug is that for the first maybe week and a half she was on it, she was very drowsy. And who wants a drowsy toddler right? Uh, ME. Where was this shit the last time I flew in a plane with Elby?

I will leave you with some pictures so you know I’m not lying. By the way, these are two different kids. First and last pics are Sadie – Mattie in the middle.
These girls are working with a whole mess a cuteness.

As you can see, Sadie’s figured out that high heels are a good way to compensate for being vertically challenged. Matilda is rocking the high tops because “I can, bitch! I got that kinda height!”

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on October 16, 2009 3:14 amperiactin,Sadie,Twins31 comments  


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