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Archive for 2011

Tutus and Tomboys

I’ve got one twin (Sadie) who loves  twirly, swooshy pink dresses and has never met a tiara she didn’t want to immediately put on her head.

 

She rules the castle with an iron fist though and lately she’s been getting some major push back from Matilda. Basically Matilda has entered a tomboy phase like nothing I’ve seen before in any of my friend’s children. She has determined that she dislikes anything for girls.

It’s strange because when I found out I was pregnant with my first daughter, I really wanted a girl. I just had a gut instinct for parenting a daughter. I know girls, I get girls, I am a girl. It’s not that I”m a girlie girl though; I feel more comfortable in a pair of jeans, I can’t accessorize for shit and I could care less about redoing my bathroom. But I like to talk about feelings. A lot.

When I found out I was going to have twins, my first thought was that I hoped I didn’t have two boys because I’d be so screwed. When I found out I was having two more girls I was ecstatic! The clothes! The ponytails! The nail polish! The glitter (okay not the glitter)!

So this Matilda thing is throwing me a bit. I wrote all about it here on my Babble Voices blog. I’d love your thoughts.

 

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on September 19, 2011 5:50 pmUncategorized7 comments  

Thinning The Herd

“Oh my God, girrrl, you have lost weight!” was one of the first things someone said to me the other day. “What’s going on?” he continued while looking me up and down pointedly, the way only a gay man can do legally.

“Um, yeah, I have been working out a bit,” I told him.

“No, you have lost a lot of weight! You look great!” So why did I want to punch him?

I guess I have lost a little weight. By a little,  I mean a little. A twenty pound chunk has not been removed from my ass nor have I suddenly begun starring in a sitcom and dropped eighty pounds of stress weight leading me to deny rumors on TMZ of my raging eating disorder. I simply had my laser lipo, returned to the gym, and switched to sugar-free popsicles.

Now, lest you think I’m about to bitch about something (which I am wont to do), let me preface this by saying that I feel great and am exceedingly happy with my Final Inches results -so happy that I will be posting the afters just as soon as the film is developed (digitized, uploaded, whatever) from my “after” photo shoot today. The thing is, it just doesn’t feel like a good compliment when someone insists you’ve lost a lot of weight. Doesn’t that imply that I had a lot of weight to lose? Did this guy think I was  floating around like the Goodyear blimp oblivious to my insane fattiness and he’s just relieved that I finally got a handle on it? Or am I a paranoid freak?

There was a time back when Elby was about 18 months old, that it came to my attention (and the shrink I began seeing for anxiety) that I needed to go on Zoloft. I started on a dose of 100 milligrams. I was panicked that I’d gain weight. The antidepressants can do that to you. But my shrink assured me that even if I did gain weight it would only be a couple of pounds; a couple pounds I could certainly live with if it meant people could more easily live with me.

Weirdly, I began losing weight. It was fantastic! I wasn’t even trying! As far as I could tell I was carb loading in front of the TV as per usually and exercising with the exact same low intensity I always did, but the weight kept dropping.  As I got thinner, the compliments were rolling in so naturally, I figured I must be doing something right. My clothes fit better and then they were too big and I had to go get smaller sizes. Finally, when I was under my thinnest weight even for me, my husband started getting worried.

I mentioned it to my shrink and he said it wasn’t related to the Zoloft because Zoloft doesn’t have a weight loss side effect. I made an appointment with my physician. Meanwhile I got really really skinny. My friends got worried and thought I was anorexic and my husband started pushing Ensure on me six times a day. That when I realized that I really didn’t feel like eating much. I know some of you are reading this and thinking, “Shit, I gotta go get on Zoloft stat!” But it wasn’t a good thing. It didn’t look good.

But let me tell you what’s fucked up: People who hadn’t seen me in awhile would constantly tell me how fantastic I looked. Even when I knew I no longer looked trim, just gaunt, the compliments rolled in. That can really screw with your mind.

It didn’t take Dr. House to figure out the problem though. My doctor ran a few blood tests and then told me that the Zoloft can definitely have a weight loss side-effect and I should decrease the dose right away.

When the dose came down, the weight rose up and slowly but surely I went back to my normal weight and the compliments about my weight stopped. But I looked better. So whatever! Now I don’t trust anyone but myself to tell me whether or not I am in shape, especially not a gay man who is vehemently opposed to a J Lo booty. But I will say that I do definitely look better after my laser lipo. We’ll let the pictures be the judge. More on that soon.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on September 14, 2011 4:34 amUncategorized3 comments  

I’m Not Obsessed

So I’m watching Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and I can’t help but be a little obsessed with how unreal everyone on this show looks. I mean, listen, I’m completely sold on laser lipo now. I think we all know that. Yeah, FINAL INCHES BABY! So, I’m all for looking great, especially if it’s within your grasp. What I can’t get down with is spending all my time and energy on my looks. Maybe it’s because I’m too lazy which I’ve blogged about ad nauseum (p.s. I’m almost 100% sure I misspelled nauseum and yet, too lazy to look it up! See?) but it just seems so tedious to go to the gym every single day, plus only eat a bunch of whole grains and fruit and then keep on top of Botox, laser treatments, skin smoothing creams…what am I missing here? The truth is, now that I’ve experienced a little shortcut, I can’t see doing it any other way.

Why would anyone kill themselves to be thin when you could have a quick little procedure and just get ‘er done in an hour? I think the answer to that question is that some people, especially people in the “industry” spend an inordinate amount of time thinking about their bodies, feeling scrutinized and trying to live up to an impossible ideal. I would think that when you spend that much time thinking about it you can’t help but to put those thoughts into action and go body crazy, hiring trainers, spending crazy amounts of money and time to look like one of the Real Housewives, snorting cocaine…

I am nothing like this. I’m a writer. There’s such great comfort in knowing that if I want to, I can just throw on sweats, peel off my contacts, put on my glasses (with one arm off the glasses attached loosely by masking tape because…I have twins!) and make a living. Sort of.

On the other hand, I still like to look cute once in awhile which is why I’ve decided I’m all about moderation in all things beauty. Unlike alcohol, I don’t find beauty to be addictive.  I can’t have one margarita but I can have one treatment of Botox and leave the rest alone. I can go to the gym on a Tuesday and not return until Friday. Sure I get itchy the day after I’ve had a gym fix and I try to go again but if there’s no one to watch the kids, I stay home. And while I’m home I don’t try to do some kind of 70’s Perfect era Jane Fonda workout tape either. I just read US Weekly and snack. And, yes, I like a pricy moisturizer but when I run out, I’ll grab a jar of Oil of Olay from CVS and use that while I save up for my Estee Lauder. The point of all this is, I find it so peaceful to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and try to know the difference.

Now let’s all go have some fat suckage, bitches!

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on September 7, 2011 6:07 amUncategorized9 comments  

Children’s Book Classics I Want Banned

So I have this new post up on my Babble Voices Blog about my least favorite children’s books.

My vote for Most Boring


For example you will find my take on Goodnight Moon: This book doesn’t have a disturbing message. My main problem with it is that it’s criminally boring. I know it’s a classic. But why? To me it’s the Emperor’s New Clothes – we’re supposed to like it but no kids actually do. What’s interesting about it? Just an old lady whispering hush. Why is she whispering hush? She’s all alone! Is she an off duty librarian? Are the socks and mittens trying to study? No? Then why do we have to hush? Go brush your fucking hair and go to bed and let us do the same with a more interesting book.

I kept the Babble post short and only mentioned five books but there are so many more and I’m a little obsessed with this topic. It’s mostly the classic books that I feel like I’m supposed to like but often don’t. I know it’s not exactly a political issue but why do I feel like admitting you don’t like Goodnight Moon is up there with saying you didn’t breastfeed? It’s almost as if copping to my real feelings about Goodnight Moon is in essence turning my back on nostalgia. But hey, I’m nostalgic, trust me. Give me Sylvester and the Magic Pebble any day! I’d kick you in the eyeteeth to get to the last bookstore copy of Lyle Lyle. My kids own Free To Be You and Me and I’ve listened to that bitch on my own time. I’m definitely nostalgic. I just don’t get the appeal of Goodnight Moon and that’s the last you’ll hear me defend myself. Check out my Babble Banned Book Picks and then let me know what books you recommend or which ones you can’t stand.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on September 1, 2011 2:06 pmUncategorized11 comments  

Everything is Just Beachy-Keen

I’m going in for my 6-week post op appointment at my new favorite place Final Inches next week. It was supposed to happen today but apparently I totally spaced it because it’s the last week before school starts and I’m in the depths of hell known as NO CAMP OR PLANNED ACTIVITIES OF ANY KIND. It’s really hard to leave the house because everything I do requires fourteen arms for grabbing snacks, getting drinks, helping go pee pee, picking up blankets, putting wispy strands of hair in ponytails, finding game pieces in the carpet, texting, pulling out my credit card every 12 seconds, and a slew of other mind numbing activities.

Today I took the kids to the natural history museum which made me feel like a better parent but also left me a shell of a human being. I’m so happy that school starts back up next week and I can get back to some sense of normalcy again. Look, I know these are not new thoughts, I know we all feel that way but this is my damn blog and I’ll be a big old cliche if I want to.

KIDS, GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND LEARN SHIT WHILE I GO TO THE GYM AND SIP A CUP OF GODDAMN COFFEE WITHOUT HEARING YOU SCREAM THAT YOUR FRENCH TOAST FELL ON THE FLOOR AND HAS A HAIR ON IT (the end of summer rule being that if it looks like your hair, eat it anyway).

I will say that all the times we’ve been to the pool lately have been much improved due to my fat suckage. You wouldn’t think that taking out the pockets of fat on my outer thighs would make me feel like a new woman but it has. In fact, I think I’ve scared a few of my friends and family with my over-confident zeal. I would like to enjoy it and I believe I have earned the right to enjoy it but in case you get some fat suckage, I have put together some helpful tips to get you through your special life change without losing friends or scaring colleagues.

1. If you’re not a fan of receiving dirty looks, when strutting your stuff in a bathing suit around a condo swimming pool where your brother and sister-in-law live, refrain from yelling out, “Look what I’m bringing to the table in the ass department, Bitches!” Especially when there are toddlers. Toddlers having a little family birthday party.

2. When trying on jeans at the Gap and the girls asks if you need help, fight the urge to say, “Yeah, I’m going to need a much smaller size in these.” Because you don’t actually need a smaller size. In fact the pair you tried on is actually a little snug.

3. Fat suckage is not an excuse to binge on an entire bag of Michelle’s almond cookies in front of Bachelor Pad on Monday nights. Even though Michelle’s cookies are fruit sweetened which makes you feel like you are eating something healthy, they still have a ton of fat and calories and really, a whole bag? Plus, just because the fat cells are gone from your ass permanently does not mean that it can’t come back. It’ll just land somewhere else. Like your arms.

4. a) When someone says, “You look great! Have you been working out?” Try try try not to say, “No, I had the fat sucked out! And you should totally do it too! You’re a perfect candidate!”

4. b) If you tell the person you had laser lipo and they ask you about it and you tell them and they say “I want to do it too!” The correct response is “Well, I don’t even know if you have enough fat! Where would they take it from?” and not, “I would definitely take care of your back fat first.”

There you go. I’m here to help.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on August 30, 2011 1:13 amUncategorized5 comments  


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