Why I Don’t Do Heroin

I haven’t gotten boozy wit it in over six months which truly seems like a miracle. Although, I’ve gone without drinking many times in my life including my pregnancy with the twins during which I believe I may have had one beer at the home of House of Prince but what do you expect? She’s a horrible influence -exactly what I look for in a friend.

Aren’t you all on tenterhooks waiting to find out how it’s been going? Or maybe you’re waiting for me to slip up like when you watch a tight rope walker and you secretly hope he’ll fall -let’s face it, when the tight rope walker makes it it’s sort of anticlimactic. It’s their job.

Aaaanyway, I digress. I am doing very well these days. Do I still get stressed out by having eighteen children? Of course I do. I’m a thousand percent sure that the Duggars must use some illegal substances to keep their shit together. I still certainly get cravings. It seems like the longer it’s been since I’ve taken a Xanax or had a glass of wine, the more I realize how addicted I was. I didn’t even feel good from taking Xanax, just normal. Sometimes I want a Xanax so bad I can almost taste it and then I think, “What the hell is that about? It wouldn’t even feel good to take it,” and that’s when I think “Oh yeah, I’m an addict. I just want to take something.” It doesn’t have to be alcohol.

I wasn’t that choosy about substances. I loved pain pills as much if not more than wine, but I only had access to them once in awhile when I’d had surgery or a bout of migraines. When given a prescription, I’d take them until they were gone and think, “man it would be awesome to have more” but I was just too lazy to get them. I think pain pills are an ambitious person’s addiction. You have to doctor shop or get them over the Internet or…I don’t know…find them from a dealer? Just thinking about the work it would take to get a steady supply of pills makes me want to lie down and take a nap.

This is why I can’t understand how people become heroin addicts. Sure, the idea of feeling like you’re lying in a vat of vanilla pudding listening to Elliot Smith over and over until you nod off sounds like an interesting Saturday night but being a heroin addict is a full-time job! I can barely get a book out once a year -there’s less than no chance I could spend all day procuring heroin. Who has that kind of time?

What I’m trying to say is that being sober is actually a lot easier than trying to manage feeling good through the use of drugs and alcohol. Although Healthy Choice caramel ice cream sandwiches are playing a huge part these days so there’s that.

The first 90 days were the hardest but it’s gotten a million percent easier. I’m used to not looking forward to my evening wine and as a bonus the anxiety went away. I really thought I might always feel borderline crappy but I don’t. So, that should give anyone hope who is doing this with me.

But don’t get me wrong, I’m still edgy! And that’s fine – I didn’t have a lobotomy, I just stopped drinking. I’ve found many people in sobriety to bond with and I’m realizing that sober alcoholics are pretty interesting in general. In my mind there’s only one good reason to avoid drinking entirely and that’s because either you used to drink waaay too much or because you’ve seen people in your family drink waaaay to much. Otherwise, you are Mormon. And that’s sort of weird. Unless you’re Donny Osmond in which case, let’s have lunch and you can tell me all about your alcohol-free existence! Call me!

P.S. If you came over looking for an update on Sadie, I wrote one here.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on December 3, 2009 10:55 pmDrinking12 comments  


  1. Aunt Becky said,

    Sober alcoholics are way cooler.

    | December 3, 2009 @ 11:43 pm

  2. surcie said,

    Lordamercy, how could you not be edgy!? You're doing so great. I hope everyone in your "real" life is telling you that.

    | December 3, 2009 @ 11:44 pm

  3. erin said,

    I never had a problem with alchohol personally, but it has been the focus of my life through other people for almost my whole life. Having a sober partner and sharing that type of life with him is a billion times better than when he was drinking, or growing up in a household where getting drunk is the nights' activity.

    The sex is better. Food is better.


    | December 4, 2009 @ 1:49 pm

  4. jennifer said,

    congrats on 6 months stef! it totally gets easier but for many alcoholics/addicts, the desire to use isn't automatically lifted. it takes a lot of work for me to not default to irritable, restless, discontent…that really is my natural state. i battle with "euphoric recall" all the time, and it takes much discipline to remember the real horrors of being a slave to addiction!
    jennifer http://www.angstmom.com

    | December 4, 2009 @ 10:39 pm

  5. Caroline said,

    It does get easier. . . are you doing it with the help of local friends? I hope so. I would be lost without my sponsor, who keeps me grounded. Not only am I not edgy about alcohol, I RARELY even think about the stuff and my reactions to the realities of life are become much more appropriate as time goes on. Good job!

    | December 5, 2009 @ 3:23 pm

  6. Kellee said,

    You have just confirmed my fear that I am far too lazy to be an addict. I gave up caffeine, mostly on accident, because one weekend I was too lazy to go out and buy more Diet Coke. And then after the horrible withdrawal headaches and sleeping for two days straight, I was certainly too lazy to go through that again.

    | December 5, 2009 @ 4:49 pm

  7. henry said,

    very good

    | December 7, 2009 @ 2:03 pm

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    | December 8, 2009 @ 4:21 pm

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    | December 8, 2009 @ 8:15 pm

  10. cherie... said,

    i love you and i love your blog – can we please be best friends? i'll book a plane ticket (but not on southwest). i've been sober and like that i know it can be done as a choice, like which flavour ice cream or something…

    …sounds like you are handling it really well!
    big hugs x

    | December 9, 2009 @ 11:51 am

  11. 4esmom said,

    I just started my sobriety today. I emailed Stefani & she emailed back-wow! I'm a mess thinkng about what lies ahead, very scared I'll fail. I'm so glad my mom recorded that episode of Dr.Oz, while she watched our kids as we boozed it up in Napa…This blog is my lifeline, AA on Sat.!

    | December 11, 2009 @ 3:08 am

  12. Mommy on the Spot said,

    awesome!!! you should be so proud of yourself!

    | December 13, 2009 @ 4:49 pm

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