Archive for February, 2009

Idol Recap Bitches!

After all my excitement had built up all week – to be confronted with such a mediocre show was a travesty. But let’s talk about it anyway.

Jasmine Murray – bad choice to start the show because it made me sleepy. Of course I had taken a Xanax but I don’t think that was the problem. I think it was Jasmine. But then I have a history of blaming my problems on other people…in this case though, it’s warrented. She’s out. Don’t worry, she’ll be fine – she’s only 17! Also, can we limit the number of contestants who have the name Jasmine? And if so, let’s limit it to NONE.

Matt Giraud – this was a bummer because I had high hopes for him when I saw him play the piano during Hollywood week. He did a Ray Charles song or maybe that was Danny Glockey but either way, I thought he had a great voice. So Coldplay’s Viva La Vida? Seriously? Whaaaah? Matt, you aren’t a band. Do you see Barry Manilow doing Tupac? No. There’s a reason for that. Stick with what you know and you know blues.

Jeanine Vailes – She suprised me…by having a favorite Maroon 5 song! Who has ever heard of anyone loving Maroon 5 let alone having a favorite Maroon 5 song? She was horrible.

Nick Mitchell –Is this Paula’s idea of humor? Has anyone on that panel besides Simon actually seen an episode of SCTV or SNL? Do they know funny from uncomfortable improv student? I guess not. In short, I voted for him. Twice.

Allison Iraheta – As a comedienne, I know that it’s always great to follow someone who sucks so Allison had that going for her from the jump. But she’s incredible. My husband calls her voice “broken down” in a good way. I can’t believe she’s so young and already has those Janis Joplin chops. Ally, I predict big things for you, young lady. Also, lovin’ the red hair. You are very original.

Kris Allen – Okay, I was going along merrily thinking knowing this guy is the worst singer I’ve heard in a long, long time (and that’s saying a lot because I’d just heard Nick Mitchell) when all of a sudden the judges were liking him. Was I being Punk’d? Where was Ashton Kutcher with his baseball cap slightly askew? wtf? I think I might still be a bit in shock. Maybe I should wrap myself in warm blankets and come back to this one.

Megan Joy Corkrey – She’s pretty and has a nice voice. But she won’t make it to the end because she has too many tattoos. Just ask Carly Smithson.

Matt Breitzke – Wasn’t he on last week’s show? Oh, never mind that was Michael Sarver. See what I did there? Those two need to wear name tags because to me they are the same person. Don’t they both work on a rig? I don’t know but they are both PROUD AMERICANS. And they both have completely forgettable boring-ass voices.

Jesse Langseth – I may be alone in this but I liked her voice. Singing Bette Davis Eyes probably wasn’t the most sane thing to do and she is too presentational for my taste. Also, the red hair thing was already done. If she wanted to be different and make it through to the next round she should have dyed her hair as soon as she heard that she fell after Allison in the line-up. It takes real committment to make it to the top in American Idol. But since she obviously doesn’t want it enough, she won’t get votes.

Kai Kalama – He was my absolute favorite in the San Fran auditions and not because his mother has a seizure disorder and he takes care of her fulltime. Possibly in spite of that because I found that whole roll-in package creepy. But I loved, loved, loved his voice. Until last night. Did all the contestants get together as a group and decide “hey, let’s suck!”? I hope he makes it because he really is a good singer but based on his song and the fact that his last name makes me think of black olives, he won’t.

Mishavonna Henson – I know I just said that all the contestants sucked but that’s just because I got so riled up at how Kai disappointed me. I feel a little better now and I’m able to be more objective. Mishavonna was great. I thought her voice was distinctive and even though she sang one of the dippiest songs that’s ever been written, she was good. I would have voted for her but really by that point I was like three glasses of wine in and that, with my Xanax made me unable to operate a phone let alone heavy machinery.

Adam Lambert – here is a short list of things I don’t like: black olives, Parisians and ADAM LAMBERT’S VOICE. Could he be any more dramatic? I have a new word: dramatical. That’s overly dramatic musical theater people. Only with Emo hair.

Here’s hoping next week is better.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on February 26, 2009 8:13 pmUncategorized14 comments  

Crazy Bachelor Ladies Speak Out

Number of times Jason used the word “amazing” – 412

I need proof that Stephanie is not a man. I’m sorry but last night’s appearance didn’t help. Can’t someone sneak over to her while she’s mewwwing at Jason and swab her mouth for DNA? I’d do it but I’m kind of under the gun on a few other projects.

Natalie, Natalie, Natalie -thank you for being so delusional that you honestly felt everyone else was delusional. So did she or didn’t she get mad that she got splashed in the pool? I couldn’t sleep last night just looking at it from every angle. I mean, first she said she didn’t get mad but then she said she did get mad but then she was sarcastic and just trying to get out of the conversation. I’m so confused. I think the producers should go back and administer a lie detector test on Natalie so we can put this scandal to rest.

Math problem: How many tubes of bronzer does it take to make all of the bachelor’s amazing ladies look like they’ve been living in Hawaii (if Hawaii was actually a biodome with only artificial tanning light) for six months?

Why do Naomi and Jillian who “fell in love” with Jason seem completely over it now? Sure Jills shed a tear or two and admitted it was “emotional” going back to that time (um, what a month ago?) but I bet Jillian would tear up reading a grammer book. That chick cries a lot. I highly recommend Zoloft for that. Not that I really need it. I’m super stable. Just ask my shrink.

FYI – I had to fast forward through all the Trista Ryan bullshit. Yes, we get it, you’re still in love. You’re having another baby. I honestly would rather take a bath with my grandfather than listen to Trista drone on for an entire segment.

God, I can’t wait for Idol tomorrow.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on February 24, 2009 9:01 pmUncategorized7 comments  

I’m Going To BlogHer

So in answer to your question, yes, I am going to BlogHer and yes, I am speaking on the “How To Become a Supermodel After 40” panel/discussion group…OR I’m speaking on the Blog to Book panel. Just let it be a surprise. Suprises are fun.

In other news, tonight is Bachelor night -unfortunately it’s the Ladies Speak Out episode. My least favorite. But maybe crazy Megan will talk about her pro-breast feeding fetus’ stance or Stephanie will charge the stage and present Jason with a crystal decanter full of her tears or possibly Nikki will come back and stare Jason down with her crazy eyes for the entire hour. That would be worth watching. I guess I’ll have to tune in because I owe it to all of you out there who don’t have TiVo. It’s not your fault. You just don’t have your priorities straight.

And be honest, how excited are you that I am going to watch AI tomorrow night and then recap it again!

I would tell you my thoughts on the Oscars but, really, I only saw like half of three of the movies on Netflix so I didn’t feel I deserved to have an opinion on anything but the bad idea of Hugh Jackman hosting. I don’t even really understand who he is. He’s not Hugh Grant but is he British? I’m so lost. But then, I’m still trying to find someone to sell me a qualude so that might be a tip off that I’m not on the cutting edge of entertainment.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on February 23, 2009 9:51 pmUncategorized21 comments  

Let’s Talk About Idol

I think the best time to talk about American Idol is now after I’ve just watched it (TiVo’d from last night because I fell asleep because the babies are teething so ferociously that there is no sleep ever to be had in this house at normal times) and Matilda is chewing on an old yogurt container while I type. And Sadie is taking a rare nap.

Okay, despite what a few of you said, I thought Paula was in rare form! She seemed totally out of it, said things that made no sense, drifted off mid-sentence and made reference Bucky Covington as an example of good things that can come of Idol. She redeemed herself to me. Thank you, thank you for bringing back your signature brand of nuts.

Here’s my break-down of the events that unfolded:

Jackie Tohn (First chick in the crazy 80’s outfit) First off, I didn’t enjoy the sneakers. Her voice was good but her arms are way too long to be the next American Idol. There really needs to be some kind of cap on arm length with these contestants. Plus she had more energy than a Labrador puppy which is an irritating quality in a singer and a toddler. Also, being called a great entertainer? Maybe a compliment for Sammy Davis Jr. but not for an AI contestant. It’s a singing competition, not a tap dancing, vaudville show.

Ricky Braddy (Guy in glasses who did Leon Russell song ): Eh. I bet he makes it but only because he has a sort of Clay Aiken big voice lots of vibratto thing. I don’t know. I’m sure he’s good but I just can’t get behind it.

Alexis Grace (Pink hair): She was great. She’s definitely in.

Brent Keith (unmemorable): What happened to his hair? He looked hot in the audition flash back but really boring on the show. I couldn’t tell you what he sang so we will speak of him no more.

Casey Carlson (really pretty) Train wreck. This is what happens when you are too pretty for your own good. You get overconfident and do weird things with your mouth while looking directly into the camera. Note to contestants: do not look directly at the camera while making kissy faces. It makes us uncomfortable. Are you trying to make-out with us? Were you molested as a child?

Anoop Desai: I don’t get it. Really. But when Paula compared him to Brian McKnight it almost redeemed his performance because that was hilarious and further confirmed that her crazy is back. If we have to see him tonight, let’s please not call him Noop Dawg. Randy, can I get confirmation from you that you’ll comply? Dawg is over. Is that why it’s funny?

Anne Marie Boskovich (Joan Baez hair for you older ladies who get the reference): Anne, you disappointed me tonight. I loved her in the audition when she sang Bubbly. I thought she had a beautiful, clear voice and figured her a sure contender. But when she broke out “Natural Woman” I was like, “Oh no.” You have to have a kick ass voice to do Aretha (not to sound like the judges – but I am judgy) Kelly Clarkson sang that song in season one and it put her into the top two right then and there. Anne got herself a one way ticket back to…another city…that she’s from I guess.

Michael Sarver: The judges just love this guy and his bald welder, oil worker, something dirty friend. Frankly I don’t see either one of them going to the next round. Remember when they brought them in together and told them only one of them would make it and then – surprise! – they both made it because they couldn’t choose! Well, I thought neither one of them should have made it and I stand by that decision. Don’t try to beg, Michael. It won’t work. Unless you bring me Lemon Heads. Cause I like that kind of candy a lot.

Stevie Wright: Good name. Shitty voice. And her forhead was very shiny. I suggest bangs. I mean, look, I have a big ass and know enough to wear a longer shirt. It’s that simple.

Stephen Fowler (the one who forgot his words on the Hollywood round. Oh, and he has a HUGE AFRO) UM…NO.

Tatiana: I’m so sorry and I know this is seriously catty and I don’t mean it to be but did she gain a hundred pounds between the auditions and this round? You’d pretty much have to eat nothing but Whoppers all day everyday to achieve this kind of weight gain success in such short a time. I should know – it’s called the El Pollo Loco diet and it differs from the Subway Diet in the way it makes you gain weight instead of lose. I swear by it. Just ask an old pair of my Seven jeans.

Oh, and unlike the judges, I didn’t think her singing was all that good. It was okay. But we need her for drama. She will end up with a drug addiction like Nikki McKibbin and at least get to go on Celebrity Rehab and then Sober House if we’re lucky.

Danny Gokey: I know his story is supposed to pull my heart strings and it TOTALLY DOES – do you think I’m made of granite? But his voice is also insanely good. He’s a fucking church choir leader. This guy might be G0d. Me likey.

Any questions?

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on February 18, 2009 9:24 pmUncategorized16 comments  

Tonight: Idol

Oh American Idol, you succulent berry just waiting to burst your sweet, yet sometimes tart but always delicious juice on my tongue, I can’t wait to watch you tonight. Who will endure? Who will fall and who will make a total asshole of his or herself?

Paula: please for the love of all things holy and idoly, please start drinking or pill popping again. You used to be so amusing. I feel like you’re only a husk of your former sanity-challenged self. If you don’t get crazy again real fast I’m scared that Tatiana may get her own show. On the other hand, that may be just what the doctor ordered.

Expect a full break down tomorrow.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on 1:53 amUncategorized10 comments  


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