Response From My Ass

Dear Stefanie,

I received your letter dated July 9th, 08 and I must say I was more than a little surprised. The mere fact that I’m still able to hold a pen between my cheeks should show you that I’m still ahead of the game. I’m not perfect. But, to be quite honest, I don’t know what you expect. Do you think I’m some sort of miracle worker? I feel as though you completely blocked out the past year heretofore referred to as “The Year Of Eating Dangerously.” What happened to your resolve not to eat so many sugary snacks? Did I hold a gun to your head all the times you finished off your daughter’s macaroni and cheese? I have an agreement with Kraft that all products you consume will come straight to me, do not pass stomach, thighs or hips. That cheesy goodness is all mine. What about the six packs of pudding you put away in one sitting? Speaking of six packs, what’s up with your beer consumption? All that beer is not doing me any favors. Could you a least try a lite beer?

Am I getting through to you? Am I making any headway at all? I’m not angry with you as you suggest. In fact, I’ve never been happier. All that working out you used to do was making me tired, stressed and tightly wound. Sure you were happier, but I was shrinking away to nothing.

You know what? I don’t like your tone with me either. You treat me like a leper. You ignore me and try to hide me from the world with your bathing suits with little skirts or “boy shorts.” Do you think you’re fooling anyone? I’m not going to respond favorably to that kind treatment. Why don’t you start appreciating me a little more. Rub a firming cream on there once in awhile – do an isometric for crying out loud. Acknowledge my existance!

Plus, not to toot my own horn but black men love me!

So, in closing, I’m fine with myself. If you have a problem, I suggest that you do something about it. In the future, please direct your comments and/or complaints to your brain because that’s where the motivation is. Bitch.


Your Ass (and that’s Mr. Ass to you)

Can you believe my ass called me a bitch?

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on July 10, 2008 8:45 pmUncategorized28 comments  


  1. giggleblue said,

    i guess he told you…

    | July 10, 2008 @ 9:32 pm

  2. theincrediblejulk said,

    I’m pretty sure my ass calls me a bitch every day of my life…

    Love your blog–just started reading it a few days ago. Thanks for making me laugh during the drudging hours of work.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 9:36 pm

  3. Catwoman said,

    Wow, your ass has some major attitude.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 9:41 pm

  4. DadGoneMad said,

    I’m very troubled by the second sentence in your ass’ reply. Are we to infer that your ass was holding a pen?!

    Either way, your ass is an asshole.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 9:41 pm

  5. merlotmom said,

    Tell Mr. Ass to shove it (where the sun don’t shine). I’m now late picking up my kids because I had to read this first. thanks.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 9:54 pm

  6. Tina said,

    Having just completed a Decade of Eating Dangerously, I must tell you that the assitude just gets cheekier and more difficult to ignore as time goes on. Nip this in the butt now or you will find yourself writing comments like this one day.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 9:56 pm

  7. Cheryl Lage said,

    Can I tell you I like your a** in a non-cheeky, non-sexual way? Like that he/she stands up (or elects not to) and says what he/she is thinking. 🙂

    More power to it. Black men like my booty, too. While I used to view it as a sign to lose weight, now I just think I’m doing my part to bridge cultures.

    Our bootie are ambASSadors, so to speak.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 10:01 pm

  8. heather said,

    Your ass is really articulate. Mine is full of gas.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 10:03 pm

  9. MereCat said,

    What an ASS!

    | July 10, 2008 @ 11:35 pm

  10. Karen said,

    I cant think of a thing to add. Im laughing too hard.

    | July 10, 2008 @ 11:49 pm

  11. CaraBee said,

    This is one of the funniest posts I have ever read! Your ass is hysterical! Mine is far less assertive, more of the passive aggressive type that won’t ever admit it’s mad. It just lashes out in unpleasant ways (ie. knocking over small children) when I have done something bad, like, say, eating a whole box of ho-hos.

    | July 11, 2008 @ 12:05 am

  12. Paul said,

    Speaking as a white hetro guy
    We like your ass too



    | July 11, 2008 @ 1:33 am

  13. Anonymous said,

    I laughed my ass off.

    Love V-BFF

    (I’ve graduated myself in importance)

    | July 11, 2008 @ 2:44 am

  14. Stefanie said,

    My ass sent me a cease and desist letter to take down our correspondance but I’m not going to. Kiss it! I don’t care what happens and I’ll hire a lawyer like Marsha Clark to defend me. On second thought…

    | July 11, 2008 @ 3:58 am

  15. Daddy Dan said,

    Now that’s a funny-ass ass! I guess she told you what’s up! Moded!

    | July 11, 2008 @ 5:19 am

  16. Lynda said,

    What a hoot! I would just like to watch such a letter being written… maybe by Robert Redford’s during the Butch Cassidy era…

    | July 11, 2008 @ 2:14 pm

  17. Marinka said,

    I can’t believe your ass is a dude. Badass.

    | July 11, 2008 @ 4:26 pm

  18. Carolyn...Online said,

    Dude, serious attitude from the ass. You should wear a thong and sit on a concrete bench for a while. That’ll show him.

    | July 11, 2008 @ 5:54 pm

  19. Andrea's Sweet Life said,

    I think your ass would have less of an attitude if you carried around one of those donut pillows to sit on. Yes, try that.

    | July 11, 2008 @ 6:10 pm

  20. Amy in Ohio said,

    That’s one uppity ass.

    | July 11, 2008 @ 6:21 pm

  21. Aunt Becky said,

    Your ass is grumpy. So is mine. Perhaps they’d like some Cheetos.

    | July 11, 2008 @ 6:23 pm

  22. Lynsey said,

    Funny how you know you can hold a pen between the cheeks. Ha!

    | July 11, 2008 @ 8:20 pm

  23. Shannon said,

    I think your ass and mine are BFF. I also think they know we are hopeless and therefore are wearing their dimples proudly.

    | July 12, 2008 @ 12:46 am

  24. Maggie said,

    Ha ha ha! I think that this is totally perfect – I’m mega impressed that your ass is just as talented as the rest of you!

    | July 12, 2008 @ 1:14 pm

  25. iheartchocolate said,

    You are so lucky to have that kind of companionship!

    Be proud.

    | July 12, 2008 @ 4:35 pm

  26. Raging Dad said,

    Wow, your personification of your ass is a guy? That’s amazing. I’ve never gender-bent any of my body parts. Have to think about that. Maybe my girlish hips…

    | July 12, 2008 @ 5:46 pm

  27. sarah said,

    I love that your ass is “Mr.” Ass. That kills me!

    And I am so guilty of the little skirt tankini. Who am I kidding?

    | July 13, 2008 @ 4:06 am

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