Open Letter To My Brain

Dear Brain,

It was suggested to me by my ass that I write you to inquire about my lack of motivation. Although my ass was giving me major attitude – and really, many of my body parts have been giving me attitude lately, I feel that things would all run more smoothly if I had more motivation. I would think (but granted you do my thinking for me) that now that I have three children to care for and a book deadline looming that I would spend my time working hard. Yet when I sit down to actually write something more important (read: less important) takes precedent. For example, I was just getting into the chapter that needs to be turned in to my editor TODAY when I realized that I should just get an entry done to my blog every so quickly. Then in the middle of writing this post, I noticed an ad on AOL for Alternative to Open Back Surgery and had to click on it. Brain, why did I do this? My back is one of the few body parts I have zero issues with as of late. Why would I possibly feel compelled to hear about alternatives to surgery that I don’t even need? You must have some rhyme or reason for my thought process. But is there anyway you could keep me on the straight and narrow? Damn it, I just clicked onto Overstock.com to find an Ariel backpack for Elby. She doesn’t need the backpack today – not nearly as bad as my editor needs some semblance of work from me. Plus, we both know Elby won’t even give a shit about Ariel by the time school starts in September.

Brain, I’m begging you. Please allow me to prioritize. And please please can you have a talk with my ass because he will not listen to reason.

If this isn’t your juristiction can you aim me in the right direction? Is there a suggestion box somewhere in my body or a human resource dept?

Surfing the Web until you respond,


Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on July 11, 2008 6:05 pmUncategorized21 comments  


  1. Aunt Becky said,

    I have a feeling both of our brains (along with my motivation) are out for vodka cocktails.

    Fucking bitches.

    | July 11, 2008 @ 6:24 pm

  2. Mommy Melee said,

    If you are able to locate your brain, please see if it’s seen mine if it mine has a forwarding address available. We’ve got to have a talking-to.

    Edit: Jeez I’m struggling with the Word Verification today. Futher evidence of a braincation.

    Additionally: Only 24 more hours or so until we take off for SHAMU, SHAMU, SHAMU! I can almost start talking about it again.

    | July 11, 2008 @ 6:38 pm

  3. Catwoman said,

    What if you brain is secretly sleeping with your ass and they’re both in on the joke and now you’ve just humiliated yourself a little more?

    I know I’m a bitch for even presenting the theory to you, but you never know who’s in cahoots anymore.

    And considering my brain and my ass both regularly let me down these days, I’m convinced mine are BFF and wouldn’t put it past yours that they are too.

    Just tread carefully, ok?

    And good luck with that chapter!

    | July 11, 2008 @ 8:18 pm

  4. heather said,

    Dear Stefanie:

    Shut up and send booze.

    Lovingly, Your Brain

    | July 11, 2008 @ 8:33 pm

  5. Stefanie said,

    Heather, I’m already drinking a beer. I hope it’s helping.

    | July 11, 2008 @ 8:39 pm

  6. Becky said,

    LOL, sometimes I picture my brain as an overworked secretary with a mountain of filing cabinets… getting to the right file / task takes a lot of time!
    🙂 Becky

    | July 11, 2008 @ 9:13 pm

  7. Marinka said,

    For better customer service, address letter to “Brian”.

    | July 11, 2008 @ 9:20 pm

  8. Deezee said,

    these last three posts have been hysterical.

    | July 11, 2008 @ 10:22 pm

  9. Deezee said,

    as are many of the comments, I might add…

    | July 11, 2008 @ 10:23 pm

  10. merlotmom said,

    When your brain answers you could you send the info to me? My brain and I are not on speaking terms these days.

    | July 12, 2008 @ 12:50 am

  11. reneedesigns said,

    My brain and I haven’t spoken in so long that I was beginning to think I didn’t have one.

    Hopefully you and your brain can straighten things out.

    | July 12, 2008 @ 12:28 pm

  12. Middel-Aged-woman said,

    Dear Stephanie, what you have failed to realize is that your brain is NOT on your side. Those of us in the Molding Young Minds industry are familiar with the problem of which you speak. The trick is to sit down at your computer with the following task list:
    1)Check Amazon ranking of both books.
    2)Click to finally find out WHY the PETA mom doesn’t take her kids to the circus.
    3)Open and reply to all emails. Even the ones about penis enlargement.
    4) Check the Amazon rankings again to see if anyone has bought any more copies.
    5)Find and evaluate at least five more blogs for daily consumption.
    6)Consider whether posting a comment on HairGrowsOutMyAss’s blog page is really going to reflect well on your blog stats when everyone starts following it back to your page.
    7) Etc., well, you get the idea.
    Just, whatever you do, DON’T work on that chapter.

    p.s. Good Luck!

    | July 12, 2008 @ 2:32 pm

  13. Threeundertwo said,

    My brain doesn’t understand long paragraphs, just post-it notes.

    Your commenters are hilarious.

    | July 12, 2008 @ 3:38 pm

  14. Carolyn...Online said,

    You need to play hard to get until your brain and ass shape up. Spend ALL your time on the back of your arms or your abs. Before you know it your ass will be all hey what about me! And your brain will find you all kids of interesting again. I’m just saying – if it could work in 7th grade it can totally work now.

    | July 12, 2008 @ 4:33 pm

  15. CaraBee said,

    I’ve been trying to come up with a clever comment, but all I keep getting from my brain are those “out of office” automated replies.

    | July 13, 2008 @ 1:39 am

  16. Black Hockey Jesus said,

    This whole body parts with personalities move you’ve made is interesting. Especially if you’re in a psyche program writing a disseration on those experiences right before the total big split with reality.

    | July 13, 2008 @ 2:11 am

  17. MereCat said,

    Oh boy! NOW you’ve done it. Your brain is about to hand you your ass…

    | July 13, 2008 @ 2:14 am

  18. Anita the Ovolina said,

    I periodically break out in Italian sentences while writing/speaking to someone ..I have been living here for 17 years …..

    | July 13, 2008 @ 2:31 pm

  19. Kim/2 Kids said,

    My mind is like a bad neighborhood that I shouldn’t go into alone. Yes, I stole that from Anne Lammott, gotta love her.

    | July 14, 2008 @ 3:38 pm

  20. Backpacking Dad said,

    Is it a nice backpack?

    | July 14, 2008 @ 8:07 pm

  21. Jaime said,

    It’s funny that you refer to your ass as a “he”, coincidence? I think not

    | July 19, 2008 @ 7:14 am

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