Archive for June, 2008

Random Thoughts Monday

Today’s post is entitled Random Thoughts Monday because I don’t have anything that cheerful to say. Sadie’s lost a few ounces and no matter how hard we try, I can’t get her to gain weight and it’s becoming a constant source of stress. But let’s cheer up and talk about other things – little things. And due to the randomness of today’s post, it will not be repeated on any subsequent Mondays. Because it’s random. Get it? Random.

1. Hootie and the Blowfish: they had the one song “Hold My Hand” remember? Well, it came on my satellite radio yesterday and for a brief moment, I couldn’t quite place it — and then–oh yeah, Hootie. It’s not a bad song. When exactly did they become the Dane Cook of music? We all hate Hootie but I can’t exactly remember why they’re such hacks. I’m a comedian so I know why Dane Cook’s success is so offensive -with his ridiculous hand gesture and over physicalized no joke making rants – but maybe because I’m not a musician, I don’t know why we all en mass decided to boot Hootie and his Blowfish crew out of our collective Ipods and stereos. Not that I’m going to ever listen to them. I’m just saying. Thoughts?

2. Sex And the City Movie: in a word: suckassery. I thought I would like it because I was one of those women who loved the series, but no, sorry, it was horrible. And what was with Jennifer Hudson’s acting? Is she a robot? She doesn’t look like a robot but I’ve never heard a real live person deliver lines as if a computer designed the voice and facial expressions to go along with the over the top dialogue. Carrie: You saved my life. Louise: You gave me Louise Vuitton. Me: Vomit.

3. The Baby Borrowers: did you see it? Good concept that has already jumped the shark because of how far they’re taking it. Young couples borrow babies? Sure, I’m with you so far. Young couples borrow toddlers? Okaay, still here. Young couples borrow teenagers? You lost me. By the time the young couples’ kids are teengers they’re not going to be young parents anymore. Young couples take care of old people? Now I want to punch the producers in the head. Not watching.

4. I’ve never ever ever dreamed of swimming with dolphins. How do people come up with this as one of their life’s major goals?

5. John Mayer…why? I know, I know, I too enjoy a few of his songs in spite of myself. But, the man is oozing women hating toxins all over the place. From his drunken tirade in the Laugh Factory where he claimed to have “fucked Jennifer Love Hewitt” to his constant vitriol about his famous exes on his blog, he is a one man band of gross. What part of that interests Jennifer Aniston?

6. Why is it impossible to buy a cool minivan? It’s like, as soon as you need a car that can cart a shitload of kids around, the car makers assume you’ve given up on having any semblance of personality whatsoever. We were forced to make our own brand of cool and it doesn’t involve bumper stickers. And yeah, the flames are magnetic. It’s a lease.

that’s Elby saying “yeah, el fuego, bitches!”

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on June 30, 2008 10:09 pmUncategorized26 comments  

Does Maury Povitch Make Any Small Baby Shows?

My little Sadie has been getting some extra help. We have been lucky enough to score some benefits through the Regional Center which is a program that helps children at risk to have developmental issues. We’ve so far had an OT visit, a developmental assessment -which went fine- as far as right now she seems on track for a baby who’s been through as much trauma as she has and who was born so small. But yesterday we had a visit from a nutrutionist and Sadie, for the first time, had actually lost weight. A few weeks ago she was 10 lbs. 12 oz. and now she’s 10 lbs. 10 oz. It was upsetting. But, we were told not to worry.
We’re going to up the concentration in her formula and try to give her solids even more often. This morning was operation “get the beeyotch to enjoy some tasty avocado.” It immediately went horribly awry when, as soon as she got a taste of the “so high in healthy oils and fats” treat, she make a face like I’d just given her a whole chicken liver and projectile vomited all over me and her newly washed bouncy seat. Maybe if I’d added onions, cilantro, garlic and lemon juice she would’ve totally got why people eat this stuff.
Here’s the good news. The nutritionist took measurments of her whole body and apparently -I don’t want to brag- but her upper arm circumference is in the upper percentile for her corrected age. Oh yeah, my tiny future Ultimate Fighting champion is getting herself ready to throw down.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on June 24, 2008 7:12 pmUncategorized41 comments  

Private Moment Interruptus

So it’s like, I don’t know exactly, maybe 10 p.m. and I’m mixing up a little formula for the overnight feeds and maybe throwing a pot in the dishwasher, you know, mom shit, right? As I’m doing this I mindlessly slap myself on the ass. Yeah, you read that right. I slapped my own ass – maybe more than once. I believe I had a particularly raunchy rap song in my head at the time – Jay Z’s I got 99 Problems But a Bitch Ain’t One – so yeah, I’m giving myself a couple of ass smacks when I look up and see that my kitchen window is wide open and the neighbor happens to be standing in his kitchen which looks directly into mine. I thank God he didn’t wave. We caught eyes and then looked away immediately. Did I mention that he’s a rabbi? I’m not kidding. It was ever so slightly embarrassing.

My bud, Suzy, over at Where Hot Comes To Die is doing a contest where she is giving away one of my books. Well, in actuality, I am giving the book away. But she is putting on a contest. Hey, I’ll take the free publicity.

Love ya, mean it.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on June 20, 2008 9:35 pmUncategorized27 comments  

Evolution vs. Creationism: We Have a Winner

Case closed.

********************************************************************************* “Oh my God! Have you seen Baby On Bored? That’s the blogger that compared her baby to an orangutan. Can you believe that? She obviously doesn’t love her child.”
“Well, maybe she thinks orangutans are really cute and she thinks her baby is cute but she happens to think they sort of look alike and she thought it would be humerous to point that out.”
“Nope. She just hates children. If she loved her child she would have a license plate frame that says Three Kids is Triple the Fun! or she’d write posts about how “crazy” and “chaotic” but absolutely joyful her life is. But she certainly wouldn’t write books that trash motherhood!”
“Hang on a minute. I kind of thought her books were funny. And I didn’t exactly get that she was trashing motherhood at all. In fact, I thought she seemed to love being a mom but just enjoys pointing out the occasional shitty parts and the ridiculousness of it.”
“No. Funny is a mug that says “Don’t bother me til I’ve had my coffee.” It’s not funny to make fun of being a mom.”
“I don’t agree. I like a little edge. Each to their own. Plus I hear she volunteers for the Peace Corp. and that she recently went to Uganda to try and cure AIDS. “
“I think that you’re going straight to hell.”
“Yes you. I bet you not only like those books but you’re voting for Obama too.”

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on June 16, 2008 9:57 pmUncategorized49 comments  

You’re Never Too Young For Princesses

I think that Elby may be a bad influence on her little sister, Fatty Matty. It’s bad enough that I caught her out back giving Sadie a tug off her Marlboro Light but now I come home to find this!

No Mattie No! Please, no princess attire until you’re at least two-years-old. My God they start young these days.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on June 11, 2008 3:55 pmUncategorized26 comments  


Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

peel n stick customized labels

use the code babyonbored and save 10%

Gummi Bears Should Not Be Organic: And Other Opinions I Can't Back Up With Facts
Buy the Book:


Barnes and Noble


I'm Kind of a Big Deal
Read an Excerpt!
Buy the Book:
Amazon | B & N

It's Not Me It's You
Read an Excerpt!
Buy the Book:
Amazon | B & N

Naptime is the New Happy Hour
Read an Excerpt!

Buy the Book:
Amazon | B & N

Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay
Read an Excerpt!

Buy the Book:
Amazon | B & N