Prisoner in My Own Home

I can breathe again now that E is back at school today. I actually took a two hour nap! Score one for the team! My preschool (well not mine -although I could brush up on my clean-up time skills) takes off so many holidays it’s annoying. They actually celebrate each of the different presidents’ birthdays instead of wrapping it up in one day like the rest of the sane world. Don’t they realize I’ve become spoiled by having her entertained all day by people who enjoy making Play-Doh from scratch and gluing glitter to a paper plate? I’m basically good for a trip to the 99 Cents Store and some stickers before the TV goes on. By the way, the comedian, Demetri Martin in his comedy special calls glitter “the herpes of craft supplies” which makes me laugh so hard because every so often I’ll look over at my husband and see a little piece of glitter on his eye. Either he’s secretly hitting the gay bars at night or somehow that glitter is impossible to ever completely get rid of.

So I realized that one of the more depressing aspects of having twins and a toddler (at least at this early stage of the game – and probably for a long time to come) is that it’s virtually impossible to leave the house at night. When it was just my daughter, Jon could easily put E to bed if I wanted to run out and meet a friend for a drink or do stand-up or just go to Hyde and do a couple of lines with Lindsay Lohan, Brit Brit and the gang. But now, not so much. How do you leave someone with newborns and a toddler? So we’re trapped in our home each and every night for now. I’m trying to come up with other activities besides binge drinking and online poker to get through the evenings. Here are a few things I’ve come up with:

1. Attempt to read the National Enquirer but only make it through the blind items page where you have to figure out who they’re talking about (assume all stories are about Burt Reynolds) before getting too tired and falling asleep.

2. Wash bottle nipples for the eightieth time of the day.

3. Think very seriously about showering but realize that blow drying would have to be involved and that would wake up the toddler who JUST FINALLY FELL ASLEEP after being read 80 million stories.

4. Reminisce about the good old days when showering could happen any old time.

5. Try to remember the last time I remembered to put on deoderant.

6. Make a list of other restaurants in the neighborhood that could possibly deliver dinner besides the one Chinese restaurant that knows our order by heart.

7. Try try try to get excited about The Apprentice for a season but fail miserably.

8. Put in a load of laundry but then forget to put it in the dryer until days later when it smells kind of funky and I have to redo it.

9. Eat a handful of cashews and promise myself I’ll stop there. Finish the whole bag.

10. Google myself.

BTW, Matilda is now weighing in at a hefty 8 pounds and Sadie is growing slowly but surely and is now 5 pounds. They received their RSV shots – which preemies need in the winter but sometimes insurance companies don’t cover. At 1500 bucks each so 3 grand a pop for the next three months we wouldn’t have been able to easily do it. But it was covered!

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 23, 2008 1:34 amUncategorized19 comments  


  1. Surcie said,

    You napped! That’s big! One day at a time, Stef. I think the fact that you still have your sense of humor is a great sign.

    | January 23, 2008 @ 2:47 am

  2. MetroDad said,

    To answer a question you posted on my site, “it’s NEVER too early for a toddy.” Besides, what’s wrong with binge drinking and online poker?

    Whatever you do, don’t resort to any extremes…like snorting formula, downing shot of breast milk, or knitting. Especially the knitting. That shit will make you crazy!

    | January 23, 2008 @ 2:51 am

  3. Lil Mouse said,

    glad the shots were covered and you got a nap.

    | January 23, 2008 @ 2:55 am

  4. sarah said,

    I am so guilty of #8, it’s shameful.

    so glad you got a nap! And glad the shots were covered!

    | January 23, 2008 @ 3:38 am

  5. carrie said,

    OMG! Glitter really is the “herpes of craft supplies.” That is too funny!

    | January 23, 2008 @ 4:20 am

  6. Kyddryn said,

    A nap?? Score!! Perhaps a full night looms in the future? Hope springs eternal.

    I love the glitter comment.

    Glad, too, that the shots were covered. Who needs added financial strain on top of everything else?

    I can think of things to do when trapped at home, but sadly they involve yarn and crochet hooks. I have turned into a parody of someone’s grandmother. Not mine, she’d rather burn her hair than crochet…but somebody’s. You’d be amazed at the things you can make with some yarn and a crochet hook.

    Hmm…perhaps medication is in order.

    I hope you have many more wonderful naps. Sweet dreams!

    | January 23, 2008 @ 4:40 am

  7. Cheryl Lage said,

    Wish I could claim only #8 (You’re a virtuous woman, Sarah!)

    Count me in for #s 8-10…all the time. My twins are six, so you have some time, Stef. 😉

    Glad to hear you napped as well…seriously, every third hour for 30 minutes to an hour round the clock and it adds up!

    Seriously, sounds like the girls are doing great. Shot coverage is dreamy. RSV is a beeyotch. 🙂

    Hang in and keep the humor high—
    We’re all rooting for you–

    | January 23, 2008 @ 4:43 am

  8. MereCat said,

    FIrst of all, “Prisoner in my own home” is a perfect title for this time in baby boot camp. You can do NOTHING ELSE! I know. It drove me batshit crazy. You do have to be very particular about who you leave twins with because it’s a really super hard job. Hang in there… I promise it will get better.

    | January 23, 2008 @ 2:36 pm

  9. Vicky said,

    I’ve become addicted to Lurking. I do it at work though! Ha ha ha
    Maybe you could trick an unspecting friend of neighbor who innocently asks if you need help? Pounce on it and say YES!

    | January 23, 2008 @ 4:20 pm

  10. Catwoman said,

    Binge drinking and online poker? And Brit and Lindsay won’t come over?

    Tell those bitches to stop screwing papparazzos and come help with a feeding.

    And I don’t have the energy to try to get into the Apprentice right now.

    You’d think the writers would stop striking so that good TV can be on again, because damn it, trapped in your house and nothing else on but American Gladiators? That’s just wrong!

    | January 23, 2008 @ 4:56 pm

  11. Becky said,

    We could have virtual cocktails! I, too, am a prisoner in my home, and am stuck watching terrible TV and trying to care.

    Can I add one to your list?

    11. Think hard about the effort it would take to shave armpits, but decide that it’s more than you’re willing to spend, and wonder when armpit hair on women will make it’s inevitable return to fashion.

    | January 23, 2008 @ 5:01 pm

  12. Tiffany said,

    Thank goodness it was covered. Why it wouldn’t be boggles my mind.

    Anyways, The going out at night thing? I totally get. My youngest is 3 right now, and the going out with friends, or even a date with hubby is what is holding me back from having another.

    | January 23, 2008 @ 5:58 pm

  13. Tiffany said,

    Thank goodness it was covered. Why it wouldn’t be boggles my mind.

    Anyways, The going out at night thing? I totally get. My youngest is 3 right now, and the going out with friends, or even a date with hubby is what is holding me back from having another.

    | January 23, 2008 @ 5:59 pm

  14. Trenches of Mommyhood said,

    Back in the days when I had 3 little ones (ages 4 and under) I considered it a good day if I managed to brush my teeth.

    | January 23, 2008 @ 7:19 pm

  15. Rachel said,

    I love your list. I can identify with each and every one. I still have a hard time getting out of the house and my daughter is 11 months old. Although today we might make a special trip to the pediatrician because she seems to have contracted RSV! And yes, she had her shot. Money well spent.

    | January 23, 2008 @ 7:53 pm

  16. gmcountrymama said,

    Glitter is considered contraband at my house. My hus hates it and all the “art work” it creates, and since he does all the vacuuming…
    You need a nap everyday!
    E had RSV when she was a month old, but it wasn’t a bad case, she was just a little wheezy.

    | January 23, 2008 @ 8:51 pm

  17. Anne said,

    It’s heartening to have that “I’m not the only one, praise jesus” feeling. At the risk of inviting a Nanny 911 intervention, I plead guilty to pretty much your whole list, plus drowning out the baby monitor with Noggin to keep the boys quiet while I write. Not that I’m doing it right now, or anything.

    | January 23, 2008 @ 8:56 pm

  18. chris said,

    Seriously, you are too funny. And I feel your pain, honey. It gets soooo much easier. When they’re 20 and in college. At least that’s what they tell me.

    | January 24, 2008 @ 12:40 pm

  19. Denise Thomas said,

    What’s wrong with binge drinking?

    | January 29, 2008 @ 9:45 pm

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