Yeah, I Need A New Vacuum Cleaner – SO WHAT?

Yes, my book is due in one week and I am not in the mood for any setbacks right now – which is why it’s highly inconvenient that I need to run out and buy a new vacuum cleaner today. For one thing; my husband is not of the “just run out and find one that looks like it can suck shit up for about ninety-nine dollars.” No, my husband is of the “if you haven’t spent three days checking Consumer Reports ratings and then comparison shopping, you may as well flush our hard earned money down the toilet, Woman!” And, the truth is, it’s my fault we need a new vacuum anyway.

Okay, remember a few posts ago when I told you I had ants in my dishwasher? And remember how you were all, “ew, you’re so gross! Ants are disgusting and they’re going to start crawling around your house and eat all your food and sneak in your bed with you at night and try to snuggle!” Well, it worked. I got completely freaked out and one day in a fit of frustration I tried to vacuum those suckers right out. Unfortunately, there was some standing water on the bottom of the dishwasher and I wasn’t using a wet/dry vac I was using our highly researched Eureka The Boss 12 Amp upright. Apparently, a wet/dry vac and my vac are quite different. It seems that my vac is a bit of a pussy when it comes to water and decided to short out the next time it was brought out to vacuum a rug.

The woman who cleans my house every two weeks brought me the filter and said, “Miss, it smells like pee pee in here. And I think it’s broken.”

“Okay, slow down Elizabeth” I said. “It’s definitely NOT pee pee.”

“But it smells like pee pee. I think it’s pee pee.”

“It’s NOT PEE PEE. I just happened to vacuum some water with it. And so now the old water is possibly a little musty and smells bad.”

“Like pee pee.”

“FINE like pee pee.”

“But, Miss, it’s not a wet/dry vac. You’re not supposed to vacuum water.”

Ahhh. Yes. Elizabeth was right and my husband respectfully didn’t say a word. And so we need a new vacuum.

And I researched the hell out of it (okay for 10 minutes) and we’re getting this one. And I don’t want to hear a word of judgement from any of you! I’m about ten seconds away from my first shot of tequila as a pregnant woman.

Sadly, Elizabeth will never get to use this beaut because she moved to Utah, where she will probably from now on refer to me as “The pee pee house.”

Oh well, I’ll still give her a good reference.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on September 1, 2007 11:03 pmUncategorized26 comments  


  1. MereCat said,

    We just went through this exact same thing. We did opt for the “find one that looks like it can suck shit up for about ninety-nine dollars.” Works beautifully. That is until the next time it snarfs up three rubberbands and a puddle of beer.

    | September 1, 2007 @ 11:54 pm

  2. Anonymous said,

    ..um..don’t you mean the pee pee house full of ants…

    | September 2, 2007 @ 12:24 am

  3. SUEB0B said,

    Save the receipt. Then take it back and get one of these from Sears http://www.appliance.com/floor/new_products.php?article=690&zone=1026&first=1

    God I had to rhapsodize about appliances because I feel like a Stepford Wife, but I really LOVE my damn vacuum.

    | September 2, 2007 @ 12:58 am

  4. dana said,

    I can’t tell you how hard I’m laughing.

    Not funny, I know. But seriously. It made my evening!

    | September 2, 2007 @ 1:24 am

  5. surcie said,

    I live with a four-year-old vacuum-obsessed little boy who would tell you that the Yoo-Wee-Kuh is a very good choice.

    | September 2, 2007 @ 3:02 am

  6. Rattling The Kettle said,

    You’re about to turn in a book. Treat yourself! Get a Dyson.

    (I spent all afternoon killing ants.)

    | September 2, 2007 @ 3:18 am

  7. Matthew said,

    I have that vacuum cleaner! It’ll do great. Won’t vacuum water, though.

    I’m just sayin’.

    | September 2, 2007 @ 6:03 am

  8. my minivan is faster than yours said,

    I blogged a month or so ago about our Dust Buster dying (moment of silence, please). My husband’s the same as yours. Have to get what Consumer Reports says.

    Wonder if Consumer Reports says he should sleep on the couch tonight?!?!

    | September 2, 2007 @ 6:21 am

  9. cry it out! said,

    I’m with Rattling. If I had a Dyson I don’t think I’d bother to do the dishes anymore. i’d just break that mofo out and go to town on the counter.


    | September 2, 2007 @ 6:21 am

  10. yannayoga said,

    I have that vacuum and I love it! It was rated better than the dyson. Here’s a tip, put a few drops of essential oil on the filter (you don’t even have to open the door to do it), and your house will smell so nice (not like pee pee). I’m pregnant too, and the peppermint oil wonderful right now.

    | September 2, 2007 @ 1:46 pm

  11. Mama Zen said,

    I get the same crap from my husband!

    | September 2, 2007 @ 2:53 pm

  12. icanseeclearlynow said,

    you are sooo hilarious. i enjoy your writing style and, of course, your wicked sense of humor. congratulations and good luck with your book!


    | September 2, 2007 @ 11:23 pm

  13. Candace said,

    i have a dyson. i keep respending the money in my head on things that I’d rather be doing than vacuuming.

    | September 3, 2007 @ 1:51 am

  14. gmcountrymama said,

    That looks a lot like the vacuum I bought for my husband from Costco for less than $100.
    It works well(I hear), exept on lightweight throw rugs. Then I hear my husband swearing and smell that nice burnt rubber smell.
    I should really get him a Dyson.

    | September 3, 2007 @ 5:45 am

  15. Catwoman said,

    are you going to sue us, your blog readers? Because we kind of caused this by freaking out, but we didn’t actually put the vaccuum in your hand, you know?

    I hope you and your new vaccuum are very happy together. And that any new ants take the warning seriously.

    | September 4, 2007 @ 6:13 pm

  16. Mom101 said,

    Dy-SON, Dy-SON, Dy-SON!

    | September 6, 2007 @ 10:02 pm

  17. Stefanie said,

    People, enough with the Dyson suggestions. I have only one big rug in the whole damn place and I’m not spending 500 dollars for a vacuum! I have drugs to buy.

    | September 6, 2007 @ 10:04 pm

  18. Susan M. Heim said,

    My husband’s the same way. He’s gotta check Consumer Reports, read all the comments on the Internet, and so on, before he buys the “best one.” I don’t care as long as he’s the one doing the research, not me! Then I have ammunition if the stupid thing blows up. “Well, YOU were the one who picked it out!”

    | September 7, 2007 @ 5:38 pm

  19. Mommin' It Up! said,

    You know my crazy friend who emailed me her baby’s heartbeat in an MP3 file? She CONSUMER REPORTS everything for days before a purchase…which is why her vacuum cleaner is worth more than my car…I got mine for $80 at Big Lots. Woot Woot!

    | September 7, 2007 @ 7:46 pm

  20. theghelertertwins.blogspot.com said,

    Are you and I married to the same man? Is your man jewish? If so we are sharing a husband! Too funny…. He does nothing (I mean nothing) before researching the shit out of consumer reports and then searching the internet for days. Painstakingly days………….. found you through Lala’s blog.

    | September 8, 2007 @ 2:50 am

  21. Marilynn said,

    Don’t you think mothers have a weird attachment to their vacuum cleaners?

    I have a kind of obsessive love/hate relationship due to my absolute need of it and an absolute distaste as to how the hell I ended up stuck at the end of a domestic machine, much to my feminist upbringing disgust.

    | September 13, 2007 @ 5:31 am

  22. Buffy said,

    I want one of those automatic robot vacuum cleaners. You know, the little round ones. That way I can just turn it on and set back and eat cheetohs while the house gets clean.

    | September 15, 2007 @ 10:52 pm

  23. Mauzy said,

    Only one big rug? Well shit. Buy this one


    | September 16, 2007 @ 12:10 am

  24. Swistle said,

    Hey, Consumer Reports JUST DID vacuum cleaners! How handy!

    I love the ants trying to snuggle with you. Awww. I would have closed the dishwasher back up, put it on “frickin scalding” or whatever, and voila! Ant carcasses on my dishes!

    | September 20, 2007 @ 1:59 am

  25. Swistle said,

    Also, I should note that Consumer Reports wasn’t overly fond of Dysons.

    | September 20, 2007 @ 2:00 am

  26. Jacqueline said,

    Just IN CASE you still need input on your vacuum situation, I can’t tell you how much I love Roomba.

    Dang, I love that little thing.

    | September 24, 2007 @ 7:59 am

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