Archive for September, 2007

Anorexic I Ain’t

So I went to my OB yesterday for the 26 week check-up and for the first time I was feeling okay (not ecstatic) and assumed I’d be back in the normal (whatever that really is) range of weight gain. HA HA HA HA HA. This time I gained NINE pounds. The doctor wondered if it could be a blood sugar problem and decided to wait until the results come back from the glucose test before she sends me to be a contestant on The Biggest Loser. I’d love nothing more than to blame it on faulty blood. But, it’s called faulty self control. So as of yesterday, I’m attempting to eat healthier. Now, once and for all, is or isn’t banana pudding considered health food? I’m going to go ahead and make the call that it is. And please, you don’t want to debate a pregnant woman on this. My doctor also asked me if I was exercising and I almost laughed – except that laughing already makes me pee a little bit. I said, “no” and she said, “not at all? Not even walking?” And I said, “no, not even walking.” She just kind of looked at me. What is there to say to that? There was a time when I would’ve lied. What happened to that girl who cared what people think?

In other news, I’ve been contacted by the local chapter of Mom of Multiples. I know this would probably be a good thing but, I’m so not a joiner. I hear words like committee and VP of Hospitality and my butt clenches up. These people have “get acquainted teas” and board meetings. I was never in a sorority nor have I ever offered to helm any neighborhood fundraisers. How can I get people to just bring me shit without having to do anything in return? Oh well, a girl can dream.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on September 29, 2007 3:36 pmUncategorized15 comments  

My Big Ass Pregnant Self

Pregnant with twins like me? Here are a few things NOT TO DO:

1. Don’t start construction! Sure you need the extra space, but don’t be like me and wait until you’re six months and already feeling like there’s a freaking full grown man napping in your uterus before you allow strangers to be jackhammering, smashing glass and blasting the Macarena in your backyard when all you want to do is SLEEP.

2. Don’t eat so much junk food that you are literally SCARED to get weighed in at the OB and spend your precious magazine reading time rehearsing what you will say to your doctor when she finds out you gained 8 pounds in one month. “Oh my goodness! I can’t imagine how this happened on my diet of grilled, skinless chicken breast with brown rice and steamed veggies for dessert!”

3. Don’t forget that your pregnancy pillow is not an actual contributing member of your family and let it take over your entire sleeping area. One should not wake up at 4 a.m. in a physical fight with ones pillow which is supposed to have the sole purpose of making one feel cozier.

4. Don’t watch the Biggest Loser. You will only feel like you are on your way to meet the contestants at their highest weight while they are on their way down. It’s depressing.

5. When people remark “you’re so small for 6 months!” Don’t blurt out “I’m carrying it all in my ass!” or “Fuck Off, I ‘ve already put on 25 pounds!” These responses will not win you any friends.

6. Try not to be angry at your not even three year old daughter for spilling her juice all over the Oriental rug for the fifth straight day. Remind yourself that she’s not just out to get you because you’re pregnant but that perhaps she is just a little clumsy as she’s only learned to drink out of an actual cup a few month prior. Don’t try to give an impromptu lesson in physics. It will only frustrate both of you.

7. DO NOT…ignore number two and go make yourself the banana pudding you’ve been obsessing about since you woke up this morning…oh shit. Too late.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on September 20, 2007 6:46 pmUncategorized20 comments  

Yeah, I Need A New Vacuum Cleaner – SO WHAT?

Yes, my book is due in one week and I am not in the mood for any setbacks right now – which is why it’s highly inconvenient that I need to run out and buy a new vacuum cleaner today. For one thing; my husband is not of the “just run out and find one that looks like it can suck shit up for about ninety-nine dollars.” No, my husband is of the “if you haven’t spent three days checking Consumer Reports ratings and then comparison shopping, you may as well flush our hard earned money down the toilet, Woman!” And, the truth is, it’s my fault we need a new vacuum anyway.

Okay, remember a few posts ago when I told you I had ants in my dishwasher? And remember how you were all, “ew, you’re so gross! Ants are disgusting and they’re going to start crawling around your house and eat all your food and sneak in your bed with you at night and try to snuggle!” Well, it worked. I got completely freaked out and one day in a fit of frustration I tried to vacuum those suckers right out. Unfortunately, there was some standing water on the bottom of the dishwasher and I wasn’t using a wet/dry vac I was using our highly researched Eureka The Boss 12 Amp upright. Apparently, a wet/dry vac and my vac are quite different. It seems that my vac is a bit of a pussy when it comes to water and decided to short out the next time it was brought out to vacuum a rug.

The woman who cleans my house every two weeks brought me the filter and said, “Miss, it smells like pee pee in here. And I think it’s broken.”

“Okay, slow down Elizabeth” I said. “It’s definitely NOT pee pee.”

“But it smells like pee pee. I think it’s pee pee.”

“It’s NOT PEE PEE. I just happened to vacuum some water with it. And so now the old water is possibly a little musty and smells bad.”

“Like pee pee.”

“FINE like pee pee.”

“But, Miss, it’s not a wet/dry vac. You’re not supposed to vacuum water.”

Ahhh. Yes. Elizabeth was right and my husband respectfully didn’t say a word. And so we need a new vacuum.

And I researched the hell out of it (okay for 10 minutes) and we’re getting this one. And I don’t want to hear a word of judgement from any of you! I’m about ten seconds away from my first shot of tequila as a pregnant woman.

Sadly, Elizabeth will never get to use this beaut because she moved to Utah, where she will probably from now on refer to me as “The pee pee house.”

Oh well, I’ll still give her a good reference.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on September 1, 2007 11:03 pmUncategorized26 comments  


Enter your email address to subscribe to this blog and receive notifications of new posts by email.

peel n stick customized labels

use the code babyonbored and save 10%

Gummi Bears Should Not Be Organic: And Other Opinions I Can't Back Up With Facts
Buy the Book:


Barnes and Noble


I'm Kind of a Big Deal
Read an Excerpt!
Buy the Book:
Amazon | B & N

It's Not Me It's You
Read an Excerpt!
Buy the Book:
Amazon | B & N

Naptime is the New Happy Hour
Read an Excerpt!

Buy the Book:
Amazon | B & N

Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay
Read an Excerpt!

Buy the Book:
Amazon | B & N