I’ve Got Mad Toddler Skillz!

My daughter has learned the immense and powerful glory of the mixed message. Sometimes I’ll ask her, “Can we run out to the drug store so mommy can go get her long overdue prescription for Klonopin? It’s right there down the street at the drug store. Good feelings are minutes away. Please don’t cry or have a meltdown and ruin my play for a peaceful night.”

Crying ensues. “Want to stay home. Watch Delego (this is how she pronouces Diego. She knows how to say it right but she knows even better what suckers we are at her purposeful to be cute mispronounciation). She wins. But not for long. It ain’t over by a long shot.

What if we found a fun toy at the CVS. “Something with Dora on it?” she asks plaintively? Oh, game on. “um, of course, am I dumb? Absofuckinglutely with Dora on it.” I left out the word fucking. But it was in my mind. yeah, I’m a mom. I still swear in my head. Why don’t you sue me if you don’t like it. Call Child Services and let them know I only breast fed for 4 weeks while you’re at it.

So, to the drugstore we managed to go. Immediately E found some bubbles with Dora on them and she was all set. Until she found the cheesy necklace that came with a mirror that’s not really a mirror, it just has that tin foil type shit that disquises itself as a mirror. I decided she didn’t need that, until she was old enough to do lines of coke from it in a detached but cool way in the club bathroom with her best friend Britney Spears. At which point we’d immediately have her arrested! Tough love!

But I did buy her an 8 pack of Bonnie Bell Lip Smackers which totally made her day. It doesn’t take much. As opposed to her mother.

She also tried on all the old peoples glasses on display in the store and looked pretty darn cute in the Woody Allen pair. If Woody bought glasses at CVS which I seriously doubt.

Anyway, E came home the proud receipiant of Dora bubbles and lip gloss. Is there a better day for a two year old? I don’t think so.

I came home with a prescription for Klonopin. Is there a better night for a 40 year old? I don’t think so.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on March 22, 2007 5:12 amUncategorized9 comments  


  1. LaLa said,

    Oh the joys of getting a two year old to do what we want! I would have had to promise a Backyardigans find. I do love the Dora bubbles though.

    | March 22, 2007 @ 2:10 pm

  2. rivergirlie said,

    lipgloss is the opium of the people (only with fewer side-effects)

    | March 22, 2007 @ 3:56 pm

  3. gmcountrymama said,

    I know all about negotiating with my kids. T didn’t want to go to preschool today because he knew I was going to Wal-Mart while he was there. I had to promise I would get him a toy. For his last hair cut, I had to bribe him with Lucky Charms, a Diego bath toy and spiderman underwear.

    | March 22, 2007 @ 5:23 pm

  4. surcie said,

    How does she manage not to eat the lip gloss? I tried putting cherry chapstick on my son’s mouth and he just wanted to chew it. But then he smeared the whole thing all over the door of our stainless steel dishwasher, so it’s no longer an issue.

    The Dr. Pepper flavored Bonnie Bell was always my very favorite.

    | March 22, 2007 @ 6:16 pm

  5. BlogWhore said,

    klonopin? i thought was was for a heart condition.

    it would have been a better day if you came home with a bottle of boone’s farm and a Rx for oxycotin…. for u, not the kid.

    | March 22, 2007 @ 8:08 pm

  6. Meegan said,

    I remember Klonopin. Good stuff. Anxiety begone! It’s right up there with the Ambien I used to take, pre-baby, for a dead-to-the-world night’s sleep. Damn, I miss the drugs from the days before boobah. Ahhh.

    | March 23, 2007 @ 3:17 am

  7. L.A. Daddy said,

    Boo-yah! You’re workin’ that kid like a child labor law in Bangladesh. Mad Skillz indeed.

    Funny stuff! Consider yourself blogrolled, beyatch.

    | March 23, 2007 @ 4:22 pm

  8. Laural Dawn said,

    It’s ALL about bribery. I work in levels of bribery – if we’re going somewhere he kind of wants to go then I promise a quarter for the gumball machine. If it’s somewhere less appealing I promise candy plus he gets to bring one of his own toys. And if he’s really against it I promise he can choose a toy.
    And, the reason that we still use bottles in our house – because for a bottle of chocolate milk I can get him to go almost anywhere with me.
    PS I’m so with you on swearing in my head – but the other day he told me “fuck off” so apparently I’m not always successful at keeping it internal. I try!

    | March 23, 2007 @ 5:37 pm

  9. jeanie said,

    lol I have now banned my daughter from any lipgloss I own, as gouged is not the way of my lipgloss future!!!

    Thanks for the laughs

    | March 25, 2007 @ 9:01 pm

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