Pageant Mommies Must Die

Pageant Mommies must die. What portion of their brain makes these women (and the occasional gay uncle) decide that turning a 2 year-old into a walking Amber Alert is a good plan? You’ve seen these 30 pound car wrecks, a blur of baby-safe eyeliner, spray tans and ass-shaping pampers. Did we learn nothing from Jon Benet ? Your baby is not a car ornament. Or a car for that matter. I don’t get it. But then, I don’t get a lot of things even from women that aren’t pageant moms.

There seems to be this strange obsession to have hot children. I was at BabiesRUs the other day and I saw with my own eyes, tube tops for one year olds. What the fuck is this? It’s bad enough that Britney Spears was wearing this crap at 16 but now we’re supposed to put a tube top on a baby that’s 12 months old? I think if I was a baby I’d say “please don’t whore me out! I’m a baby! I don’t even have a sense of my own style yet but if I did I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t be WHORE-VILLE” I don’t get the crazy outfits. Maybe I was just not ever a women with the best fashion sense myself but I certainly don’t give a shit if my daughter is wearing clothes that cost five dollars or five hundred dollars.

I pray this is a problem that is limited to Los Angeles and Texas. The obsession for beauty has gone beyond Botoxing for anyone over 25 and infiltrated the babies.

People love to comment on how attrative your baby is out here in Hollywood. “Wow, your baby is really beautiful” takes on a different meaning. It’s Los Angeles for “Does he/she have an agent?” I can’t say it’s suprising but it is irritating. Whatever happened to being happy your baby was healthy? Now we’re obsessed with their looks. No wonder half of our young girl population has an eating disorder.

Having had a bout with bulimia from 16 to 22 I refuse to ever get caught up with what she’s wearing or making her look girlie or dressing her all in pink so people won’t see the overalls and blue onsie and say “what a cute little boy.” IT DOESN’T MATTER. Maybe I’m just bitter. I’d love to put her in an AC/DC onsie but I can’t afford it. They’re $50 bucks at Fred Segall.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 27, 2006 5:15 amUncategorized11 comments  


  1. CJ said,

    Sing it sister! Unfortunately, it’s not only California where this is happening. My daughter is on the chunky side and just wants everything covered. Do you know how hard it is to find a pair of pants that fits her and looks decent? Thank the goddes for Lands End!

    | January 27, 2006 @ 2:12 pm

  2. Jess Riley said,

    I often think that if pageant mommies would read some of the offense descriptions in inmate files maintained in prisons nationwide, they’d change their tune about sexifying their children. Yeesh.

    | January 27, 2006 @ 5:19 pm

  3. Winnifred said,

    couldn’t agree more… and it’s EVERYWHERE 🙁 i’m sure it’s worse in some parts than others – but it’s too common.

    Like bikinis for 2 yr olds. ARH those annoy me to no end.

    | January 27, 2006 @ 7:00 pm

  4. IzzyMom said,

    Just read your blurb in the green box. Oh, how I feel your pain… Being a mom is “amazing” but not every second of every freaking day. I’m so tired of feeling guilty that I’m not walking around with a permagrin plastered across my face because I have children.

    And pageants for kids and babies? F-ing sick…

    | January 27, 2006 @ 7:12 pm

  5. Heatheranne said,

    My son never has expensive designer clothes unless it’s given to him, or it’s on sale.

    | January 27, 2006 @ 7:56 pm

  6. Lemonpuss said,

    Right on!
    I think that kids, until they can voice an opinion, could justifiably be dressed as the mother chooses, not as the dept. stores do. For me, this will follow one of two themes: to go with my eyes, or to match my purse and shoes. All things baby-themed can wait until it is old enough to put up a good argument for them. Hopefully that will at least allow us to skip the cuddly pastel teddy bears and go right to Whoreville, which at least offers a better color palette. I will insist, however, that all clothes from the time they can crawl to when they hit, say, 25 be reflective. That just seems prudent. Nothing says your mom loves you like an Illuminite size 6X tube top.

    | January 27, 2006 @ 8:52 pm

  7. erika said,

    So do you think it’s wrong that I just made a onesie for Miss S that reads: Future Porn Star?

    I’ll keep it off her until I hear back from you. And tube tops? Sign me up – my 15 month old loves to show off her cleavage. It’s just the way she is.

    | January 28, 2006 @ 4:50 am

  8. Misfit Hausfrau said,

    Fear not–my best friend is a buyer at Nordstrom. She said that the hoopie look is over. It just takes a while to trickle down.

    I’m with you on the whole beauty thing. I may be taking it a bit far though. My daughter loves to wear her dress up clothes (which of course are Princess dresses.) She twirls around the house singing that she is a “BEEEYOOOTIFUL PRINCESS!” I keep interjecting that she is a SMART and beautiful princess. So far she hasnt picked up “Smart” in her vocabulary yet.

    There are a few cool websites with onesies of the Ramones and Blondie on them. My daughter has a Ramones onesie and she looks bad-ass. If I can remember the sites, I will let you know.

    | January 28, 2006 @ 1:58 pm

  9. chris said,

    Well, try living in the south. Although I must say that I think pageants are becoming less and less popular. Of course, there will always be those women willing to blow the “Miss Mule Days” judge just to get a plastic crown and satin sash, but mostly I think they’re a thing of the past.

    Or maybe that’s just wishful thinking.

    | January 29, 2006 @ 2:23 am

  10. mrsmogul said,

    When I was in LA I noticed all the teenagers had huge boobs…

    | January 29, 2006 @ 11:18 am

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    | May 9, 2006 @ 11:02 pm

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