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Thin Thighs in Thirty Days Meet Thin Thighs in About an Hour

This procedure I did was like the Lens Crafters of Lipo. I know people don’t like the word lipo; it’s a savage word that calls to mind Discovery Health programs showing desperate surgery addicts getting jostled around a table having their fat sucked out of them rapidly and aimlessly. This is laser lipo and it’s totally low key. It’s like traditional lipo’s much younger, smarter, computer programmer, stoner brother. This lipo knows a lot more and yet is a lot more relaxed because “dude, it’s not a big deal.” Am I making sense at all?

The thing is, I haven’t told you about the actual day I got my thighs trimmed yet. I guess because it was really no big deal but in case you’re wondering here goes:

My friend Kathee and I went together because Fat Suckage is a bonding thing, you know? When we got to the center we had our before pictures taken (and no, you will never see these so don’t even think about it. Pretend I never even told you they existed. Seriously, stop it. STOP IT. Get the image of my ass out of your brain this instant. Thank you.) and then Dr. Ngo (the smallest, feistiest, prettiest Asian doc you’ll ever meet) came in to draw on my thighs with a Sharpie -something that heretofore has only been done by my children while I was sleeping.

Here’s where we get to the saddest part in the whole experience: While I was gazing at my butt in the highly unflattering florescent lighting reserved for doctor’s offices and bathing suit changing rooms, I couldn’t help but complain that I really wanted my butt to be smaller and not just my thighs. Dr. Ngo grabbed a handful of lady butt in both hands, pushed it up and then said, “Stefanie, the problem is not that you have fat here but that your butt is heavy and it’s pulling it down. The only thing that you can do is get a butt lift.” Seriously? A butt lift? Who the hell gets a butt lift? By the way, and this is totally unrelated to this story but totally related to my butt, yesterday I was at the mall and met up with a mom friend there. She remarked that Matilda and I had the same butt and walk. Then she went on to tell me that my big butt was sort of my signature. I’m not joking. Obviously I’m not just paranoid that I have a big butt, someone actually said to my face that it’s my signature! Holy shitballs. Anyway, I’m not getting a butt lift even if you paid me. Then what would be my signature? My dirty mouth?

Okay, next I went to the procedure room and picked out my music. Yes, you can let them know what you want to listen to while they contour you. I chose Sara Bareilles who will from now on be thought of as Sara #Fatsuckage Bareilles to me. Next, my thighs were numbed which I’m not going to lie was very uncomfortable. But once I was shot up with lidocaine I didn’t feel a thing and it was over before I knew it. I got up, put on a pair of snug leggings (compression garment) and hung out while Kathee got her arms sucked. Then we went home. I didn’t miss a beat. That’s it.

Any questions or comments? Have you ever had a part of your body you wanted to change? I’m interested to hear.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on August 8, 2011 6:24 pmUncategorized12 comments  

12 Comments

  1. Marinka said,

    I hope that the next time I ask you for an autographed copy of your book, you’ll sign it with your butt. Because it’s your signature.
    Marinka´s last blog post ..Monday Dilemma: Who Should Be My Plus One?

    | August 8, 2011 @ 9:29 pm

  2. Dana said,

    Four kids, including twins I carried to term. They ripped a crater down my belly the size of the Mississippi. It’s so wide that I can lay on my back after I eat and watch the process of peristalsis. It looks like a snake moving beneath my skin. No lie. In December, I’m having abdominoplasty (also called a “tummy tuck”) to get the muscles pulled back together. I’ve been looking forward to this since the twins were born nearly five years ago.

    | August 8, 2011 @ 9:30 pm

    • Stefanie Wilder Taylor said,

      I’m looking forward to hearing about your tummy tuck because now I’m fascinated. Let us know how it goes. I bet it will look awesome!

      | August 9, 2011 @ 2:41 pm

  3. kate said,

    I would loooove to have something done to my stomach. Namely, I’d like it to be gone.

    Just yesterday I tried on a cute skirt and thought “Oh yeah, cute! Flattering! I like i…” and then I turned sideways. Sweet jesuz it looked like I had a fanny-pack on backwards, this weird pooch just hanging there.

    Sigh. Guess I’m actually going to have to start doing sit-ups or something.

    | August 8, 2011 @ 11:13 pm

    • Stefanie Wilder Taylor said,

      Oh God, not sit-ups!! I went to the gym yesterday and I was like “I can’t believe I need to make this a regular thing for it to work!”

      | August 9, 2011 @ 2:45 pm

  4. Meghan said,

    How much did they take out? What are the risks? How much did it cost?

    | August 9, 2011 @ 1:47 pm

    • Stefanie Wilder Taylor said,

      They took out a liter. Yes, half a big bottle of Diet Coke. But the girl who is on the ad on my sidebar had 2 liters taken out. I guess it varies. The risks are very very minimal because it’s local anesthesia. I guess the biggest risk is that you don’t like how it looks but might I suggest checking out your doc carefully? Also, price, don’t know exactly. I believe it’s a couple grand.

      | August 9, 2011 @ 2:44 pm

  5. Jamie said,

    If it makes you feel any better, my nickname in high school was “ghetto booty”.

    | August 9, 2011 @ 2:57 pm

  6. Marta said,

    A signature ass, that’s not a bad signature at all. I’m frightened to ask someone what mine would be. My consistent muffin top? a badly assembled pony tail? Wearing skirts with a slight stubble?

    Jesus typing that out sure makes me sound like a hot mess, minus the hot.
    Marta´s last blog post ..Listography: 5 Things I’d Change About Myself

    | August 9, 2011 @ 9:19 pm

  7. Heidi Ferrer said,

    My signature- probably the scar from when the squirrels attacked my face. But I want to do this, minus any pain. You are sucking me fucking it. – Heidi -Girl to Mom
    Heidi Ferrer´s last blog post ..Squirrels in My Pants- Video

    | August 10, 2011 @ 2:42 am

  8. Heidi Ferrer said,

    I meant IN. Sorry. Sucking me in.
    Heidi Ferrer´s last blog post ..Squirrels in My Pants- Video

    | August 10, 2011 @ 2:43 am

  9. the muskrat said,

    Hey! So glad we got to meet you last weekend. Am looking forward to reading your book. Take care- Michael
    the muskrat´s last blog post ..traipsing through the whale’s vagina

    | August 11, 2011 @ 1:51 am

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