I’m going in for my 6-week post op appointment at my new favorite place Final Inches next week. It was supposed to happen today but apparently I totally spaced it because it’s the last week before school starts and I’m in the depths of hell known as NO CAMP OR PLANNED ACTIVITIES OF ANY KIND. It’s really hard to leave the house because everything I do requires fourteen arms for grabbing snacks, getting drinks, helping go pee pee, picking up blankets, putting wispy strands of hair in ponytails, finding game pieces in the carpet, texting, pulling out my credit card every 12 seconds, and a slew of other mind numbing activities.
Today I took the kids to the natural history museum which made me feel like a better parent but also left me a shell of a human being. I’m so happy that school starts back up next week and I can get back to some sense of normalcy again. Look, I know these are not new thoughts, I know we all feel that way but this is my damn blog and I’ll be a big old cliche if I want to.
KIDS, GO BACK TO SCHOOL AND LEARN SHIT WHILE I GO TO THE GYM AND SIP A CUP OF GODDAMN COFFEE WITHOUT HEARING YOU SCREAM THAT YOUR FRENCH TOAST FELL ON THE FLOOR AND HAS A HAIR ON IT (the end of summer rule being that if it looks like your hair, eat it anyway).
I will say that all the times we’ve been to the pool lately have been much improved due to my fat suckage. You wouldn’t think that taking out the pockets of fat on my outer thighs would make me feel like a new woman but it has. In fact, I think I’ve scared a few of my friends and family with my over-confident zeal. I would like to enjoy it and I believe I have earned the right to enjoy it but in case you get some fat suckage, I have put together some helpful tips to get you through your special life change without losing friends or scaring colleagues.
1. If you’re not a fan of receiving dirty looks, when strutting your stuff in a bathing suit around a condo swimming pool where your brother and sister-in-law live, refrain from yelling out, “Look what I’m bringing to the table in the ass department, Bitches!” Especially when there are toddlers. Toddlers having a little family birthday party.
2. When trying on jeans at the Gap and the girls asks if you need help, fight the urge to say, “Yeah, I’m going to need a much smaller size in these.” Because you don’t actually need a smaller size. In fact the pair you tried on is actually a little snug.
3. Fat suckage is not an excuse to binge on an entire bag of Michelle’s almond cookies in front of Bachelor Pad on Monday nights. Even though Michelle’s cookies are fruit sweetened which makes you feel like you are eating something healthy, they still have a ton of fat and calories and really, a whole bag? Plus, just because the fat cells are gone from your ass permanently does not mean that it can’t come back. It’ll just land somewhere else. Like your arms.
4. a) When someone says, “You look great! Have you been working out?” Try try try not to say, “No, I had the fat sucked out! And you should totally do it too! You’re a perfect candidate!”
4. b) If you tell the person you had laser lipo and they ask you about it and you tell them and they say “I want to do it too!” The correct response is “Well, I don’t even know if you have enough fat! Where would they take it from?” and not, “I would definitely take care of your back fat first.”
There you go. I’m here to help.