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Adventures in Fat Sucking

I got a little laser lipo on my thighs. There I said it. That happened. Let me back up and tell you the whole story before your judgments go all haywire and you think I’m auditioning as a new cast member of Real Housewives of the OC or doing marketing for a new line of adult Bratz dolls. I’m not people! Jeez get off my back! Sorry, that’s just my constrictive undergarment talking. Let me explain.

While working at The Parent Experiment my producer Kathee told me that this company Final Inches wanted to advertise with us and were offering us a procedure. So Kathee was all over having it done, to the tune of “There is a God!” She was ready to have what she calls her “nana arms” trimmed down post haste. I, on the other hand, was horrified.
I was horrified at the idea of doing something that seemed drastic to change my appearance which I felt for the most part was just fine thankyouverymuch. Also, I’ve seen shows like “The Swan” which take perfectly attractive women and turn them into space aliens, if space aliens were made entirely out of silicone and filler.

But, Kathee had talked to other women who had had this procedure done and she was all about it. “They don’t put you under! It’s so simple. The cannula is the size of a paperclip!” she was all about it.

I was not reassured that this was so simple. But truth be told, my saddle bags immediately came to mind when I thought of fat suckage. The saddle bags I lovingly refer to as my Muffin Bottom. I’ve gotten used to Muffin Bottom because no matter what weight I’m at or what shape I’m in, Muffin Bottom is still there.

I grew up plagued with self esteem issues and shame about the size of my ass and other body parts (who isn’t) but as I’ve grown older I’ve become much less concerned. I mean at a certain point, you just have to accept your shape and how miraculous the female body is and what it’s built for. I’m never going to become a walking Ani DiFranco song full of female empowerment and flipping a giant middle finger to our culture’s obsession with boyish hips; but I’m also never going to become obsessed with having a flawless body and find myself addicted to cosmetic procedures which I will mysteriously refer to as “natural enhancement.” I don’t even like perfect. Perfect is boring. And a lot of work. I’m lazy. I like to work about but not every week! Really, I’m never going to work out more than four times a week and even that’s a perfect week where no one is sick, there are no random school holidays (or worse “administration days” how many days do preschool teachers need to get their shit together?).
“Just have a consult,” Kathee said. “If you don’t want to do it, don’t.”

So since I’m not looking for perfection in myself or anyone else why would I even go on the consult right?

I went on the consult. Well Lynette Carolla (my cohost on Parent Experiment) went with me. She got sucked into doing it too (pun intended).

This little Asian firecracker of a female doctor, a surgeon by the name of Dr. Ngo, was the one who saw me. She took a look at my rear and showed me the pockets of fat that could be removed. I’m going to admit right now that checking out my ass in front of a mirror with someone else looking at it in bright daylight was probably not going to make me say, “You know what? I think I’m looking pretty hawt as is. I hate to cut this consult short but I need to go buy a thong bikini and time’s a wasting!” I think this is how they get you! Truthfully, I felt extremely comfortable talking to Dr. Ngo. I never got the feeling that she thought I should or shouldn’t do anything.

She basically just explained what I could and couldn’t expect from a treatment like this. I couldn’t expect to suddenly have the ass of a young Thai boy. I couldn’t expect that the skin on my legs which is loose from having had two pregnancies one with twins would suddenly look better unless I did something more drastic (which I will obviously never do) but I would look better and I could greatly reduce my “outer thighs” which she refused to join me in calling Muffin Bottom.

I went home and promptly decided that I wasn’t going to do it. It wasn’t worth it. Why would I have a procedure to remove fat from my body, fat that I’d lived with this long, why not go the rest of the way with it?

Then a day or so later I changed my mind again. Why should I go through the rest of life with those bags if I didn’t have to? Since I’d had the consult, I knew the procedure wasn’t risky, was quick and I could get back to the work of taking care of the kids and sitting at my computer the same day. So I booked my appointment.

The bottom line is all moral opposition aside, I’m just a normal woman who doesn’t and has never celebrated my goddamned saddle bags. Having a big butt is one thing and that will never change (at the consult they said my butt would look bigger without the side car –okay not in those words but come on). Black men will continue to be mesmerized by the size of my booty but I will get to privately know that I don’t have those unsightly bulges of fat that I worked so hard to disguise. I won’t have to wear an old lady skirt with my bathing suits.

It’s been a week and a half and I’m not even the least bit sore anymore. I was bruised but that’s almost gone and I can go back to the gym tomorrow if I want (I’m going to pretend they didn’t tell me that for a few more days).

I know, I know you want pictures and I will put them up against my better judgment but I have to wait another couple of weeks for the swelling to go down completely and I can see exactly how different it looks.

For now though, if you’re into something like this, you can go to their site at Final Inches and check it out. If you tell them I sent you, you will get a thousand dollars off.

Gotta go watch Real Housewives. We have so much more in common now!

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on July 25, 2011 5:54 amUncategorized15 comments  

15 Comments

  1. Backpacking Dad said,

    “Final Inches” definitely sounds like a porn title.
    Backpacking Dad´s last blog post ..Navel-gazing blog post

    | July 25, 2011 @ 6:00 am

    • Producer Kathee said,

      totally.

      | July 25, 2011 @ 11:17 pm

  2. Lynda M O said,

    Looks great-too much money for my blood but certainly something to admire.

    | July 25, 2011 @ 6:15 am

  3. Melissa I said,

    I would’ve lied to my family and said I needed a “day or so” off from the work of taking care of my children…

    | July 25, 2011 @ 1:51 pm

  4. Jae said,

    LMFAO @ “Black men will continue to be mesmerized by the size of my booty …” Credit to you girl; I don’t have the financial means for lipo. If I did, I’d want to spend that money on a tummy tuck for this damn “twin skin!” 😉

    | July 25, 2011 @ 2:47 pm

  5. rebecca said,

    I wonder if they could somehow magically make about 8 inches of fat disappear? I could stand to lose about 30 pounds too. I wonder how much that would cost me? Six figures? Maybe seven? Oh well, I have so many other body issues that a little fat is the least of my worries.
    rebecca´s last blog post ..Hospital Garden

    | July 25, 2011 @ 3:56 pm

  6. sugar mama said,

    i’m thinking there needs to be a calendar of you hot ladies…proceeds could go to… well, me.
    seriously, sign me up for a 2012 edition!
    xo,
    sugar

    | July 25, 2011 @ 7:20 pm

  7. Katie said,

    I did it too! I am loving my results two months out! Working my ass off 5 days a week was still not getting rid of my 3 time Mommy pooch. Wish I had heard of Final Inches sooner!

    | July 25, 2011 @ 7:42 pm

  8. Courtney Rundell said,

    “I’m never going to become a walking Ani DiFranco song full of female empowerment and flipping a giant middle finger to our culture’s obsession with boyish hips.”

    Are you kidding me? I love you. And I love procedures. Yup. I’ve had Botox, Dysport, and restylane and I talk about it openly and happily.

    So good for you. Mwah mwah mwah.

    Court
    Courtney Rundell´s last blog post ..#7. DARWIN ROCKS!

    | July 25, 2011 @ 7:54 pm

  9. Sara said,

    Can they relocate the fat? If so… I’m TOTALLY in. I need it moved around from all over and then put in my chest. Lemmeknow ‘mkay?

    | July 25, 2011 @ 11:43 pm

  10. Goody said,

    I couldn’t do it, but I can’t bring myself to colour my hair either so I’m probably not a good judge of that sort of thing. That said, I’m stealing, “Muffin Bottom” that is genius. You should get another book deal just for coming up with that. Here, I’ll use it in a sentence:

    “My muffin bottom lives in the breadbasket of America.” Which it does, actually.

    | July 27, 2011 @ 2:07 am

  11. Marta said,

    I’m in a 100% agreement with you, I’m too lazy for perfect. I don’t even put on makeup before I go to work! I used to, once a upon a time, greatly care about things like this. But then I had kids and realized I had other things to worry and care about than running aimlessly on a treadmill everyday.

    That said, I would totally take a free procedure. Why not! If it was free I’d have more than one! Mostly I’d remove this bump in my nose that I never noticed until someone pointed it out. Its why I don’t do profile shots, not that anyone’s taking photos.
    Marta´s last blog post ..Let’s Talk About the Serious Stuff: Eating Disorders

    | July 27, 2011 @ 5:14 pm

  12. erin@mommyonthespot said,

    The whole things you said about being perfect and how it’s boring and ton of work? Totally agree! To me, this is along the same lines of having injections to get rid of broken veins (which I hope to get sometime soon). It’s not something that is going to make you look like Alexis from the Real Housewives of OC; more like a gently improved version of you.

    | July 28, 2011 @ 12:39 am

  13. the muskrat said,

    You should walk around San Diego with a “before” picture, so we can all stare at your ass and compare. It’s for research, of course.
    the muskrat´s last blog post ..solo and sober: a journey

    | August 1, 2011 @ 8:26 pm

  14. Cecilia @ Parenting Controversy said,

    Nothing says sexy like post-procedure “constrictive undergarments”.

    Will you be posting pics of those too? 😉
    Cecilia @ Parenting Controversy´s last blog post ..Warning About Child Sex Offenders – Protecting Or Scaring The Hell Out Of Our Kids?

    | August 2, 2011 @ 8:06 am

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