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Read A little of the New Book Bitches And Win!

So here’s what I’m going to do. I know I haven’t been blogging for a little bit and that makes me feel all weird and disconnected (although I have been tweeting a bit). As some of you may know from my incessant FBing and tweeting, my new book, “I’m Kind of a Big Deal: And Other Delusions of Adequacy” hit the shelves and Internet stores last Tuesday. I will be doing some heavy duty promoting -Today Show, Joy Behar, some local NYC tv, etc. But in the meantime…I thought I’d do a giveaway of my book on my blog. Every day this week I’m going to put up an excerpt and…I don’t know…comment or something and at the end of the week I’ll randomly choose a winner from each day. That’s five books. I’m really good at math.

This book was a tough one to write because there is a lot of personal stuff in it about my father, plus there are plenty of humiliating experiences as a wannabe in show business. Just know that it’s not completely comfortable for me to constantly try to get people to buy it but it’s what I have to do to continue writing books for a living (sort of). So here we go with an excerpt from a chapter called

2 And 2 (this is taken from the middle)

” The episode of destiny started out like any other. First we were introduced to Andrea who’d gotten the coveted role of “chooser.” She was a bottle blond from San Gabriel Valley in a skimpy baby doll dress who looked like she was a girl who would describe a pair of boots as “kicky!” and who definitely owned a pink purse and a picture frame that says “Best Friends Forever.” If it had been fifteen years later she’d be Jessica Simpson. She was way too bubbly and annoying for my taste but, hey, some guys dig that.

Andrea had three videos of men to choose from. This was my favorite part of the show because I loved to watch the snippets of video they showed the viewers and make my choice, then get super excited if the “chooser” picked my choice so I could go on a date with them vicariously. My new boyfriend on this episode was the first video clip shown. My first glimpse of him was in a video freeze frame, his face oddly frozen in mid sentence while host Chuck Woolery gave us the basics: “First we have Greg, he’s twenty-three and is a photographer from Los Angeles who has a funny way of showing a woman he’s interested.” Then they cut to my boyfriend.

“If I’m into a girl, I’ll let them drive my car on the date. It’s a trust thing. Oh and any woman who can drive a stick shift gets a second date. That’s sexy.”

There was instant chemistry. I drove a stick shift. In fact, I learned to drive on a stick shift and was forced to take my driver’s license test in our car with manual transmission. So far I’d never seen the fruits of my labor. No one had ever been attracted to me for knowing my way around a clutch, but now that I thought about it, it was high time they were. This guy was very cute and very my type; brown eyes, baby face, twinkly eyes –just a hint of bad boy. He did have long hair and I wasn’t normally a fan but I decided that I would make an exception for Greg. Personality had to start counting for something. Life was about risks; risks coupled with detangler.

Next up was Justin who mumbled something about liking a woman who would cook for him and then the third guy was Curt whose greatest ambition in life was to be a successful reggae musician. I suspected that the closest he’d get would be having a bong shop in Jamaica, New York. But I magnanimously wished him luck.

“Andrea, why don’t you tell us who you picked,” Chuck said while I nervously ate through my third bowl of air popped popcorn drizzled with tobacco sauce. I’d recently been told by a black guy that I had a great ass and had immediately gone on a crash diet consisting solely of popcorn and diet Sprite.

“I chose Greg,” Andrea said and both the studio audience and I broke into a round of applause.

“Okay,” Chuck said. “Greg’s with us backstage. Greg?” Unlike today’s voyeuristic dating shows where we get to see the couples in action in their hottubs and helicopter rides, on Love Connection, where they just report back, we were forced to trust their recollection. Greg’s face popped up on the big monitor looking even cuter than on his video. I knew we made the right decision.

“Hi Chuck.”

“So Greg, what was your first impression of Andrea?”

“I thought she seemed great. Very pretty. Nice smile.” Chuck turned to Andrea.

“And Andrea, what did you think when you first met Greg?” Andrea made a face like she’d just heard the news that truffles are a type of fungus. “I was surprised. He seemed a little different in person. Not quite my usual type.” Obviously they were off to a bad start. This show never had any dates that were so-so, either it was pure rapture or they were at each other’s throats. That was just fine with me. Greg was definitely my type.

“Okay Andrea, tell us about the date.”

Andrea complained about everything at the restaurant Greg took her to from the décor down to the valet’s cologne and explained that she personally preferred a more expensive dining option and she needed a guy who made more money. Greg looked pained but didn’t argue back. He’d never win anyway. I knew her type: typical LA high maintenance bimbo–no doubt an actress and not a fitness trainer like she claimed. Right then and there I decided I’d have to find this guy and introduce him to the exciting and wonderful world of lovable broke brunettes.

I could barely contain my excitement through the ad break so I quickly rolled a few calls to let my friends know to turn on Love Connection so they could take a look at my future husband. My friend Claudia picked up on the first ring and together we waited for the commercials to finish. Finally Greg came back on screen for his gripping take on the night in question. “Greg, what happened after dinner,” Chuck wanted to know. “Did you let her drive your car?”

“I offered,” Greg said. Of course he did. She’s not worth it, Greg.

“He does this thing where he drums on the steering wheel when he’s driving,” Andrea said. Why was she still there? I was completely over her at this point. “He keeps real drumsticks in his car which I found weird. At this point I just wanted to go home.” Of course she did. It had been four hours since she’d had her roots dyed.

“My God he deserves better than this twat,” I said to Claudia who was still hanging on the phone with me.

The date ended and it was time to see who the audience had chosen for Andrea. If it was Greg, the show would pay for them to have a second date if they both agreed. If it was another guy, she could stay with Greg and they’d be on their own, or she could date the audience’s choice and get money for the date. Shockingly to me, the audience had chosen the reggae dude. It sort of made sense though because I never went for the obvious choice. When the Hardy Boys was on, I was in love with Parker Stevenson while all my friends wanted Shaun Cassidy. Or on Love Boat while everyone lusted over the handsome feather banged guest star, I was having lewd thoughts about Doc. In my defense, knee socks could not obscure the legs on Bernie Koppel. Greg and I would laugh about this later. As would our children. And our children’s children. Because life is funny.”

So there you go. Come back tomorrow for more or go buy my book and leave a comment if you want to win a signed copy for free!

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on June 13, 2011 4:53 pmUncategorized36 comments  

36 Comments

  1. Lisa said,

    OMG, totally hilarious. I used to do the same thing! With my friend on the phone! Excellent writing, Stefanie. You are brilliant.

    | June 13, 2011 @ 5:03 pm

  2. Stefanie Wilder Taylor said,

    Thank you Lisa, of course I despise being called brilliant. I mean who wants to hear that?

    | June 13, 2011 @ 5:09 pm

  3. Kelly said,

    I always loved, “We’ll be back in two and two…” Love Connection was my after school weakness. I have watched the reruns on the Game Show Network, and just laugh and laugh.
    Kelly´s last blog post ..Five

    | June 13, 2011 @ 5:42 pm

    • Stefanie Wilder Taylor said,

      It still holds up. As does Chuck Woolery! Hubba.

      | June 13, 2011 @ 6:10 pm

  4. erica said,

    loved that show. have such fond memories of it! the 2 and 2 part was so so super cheesy. all of it was. but man it was good! looking forward to reading your book!

    | June 13, 2011 @ 6:09 pm

    • Stefanie Wilder Taylor said,

      It was the best kind of cheesy.

      | June 13, 2011 @ 6:11 pm

  5. Stella said,

    I look forward to Googling you to watch your appearances on Today, etc. I LOLed (can you make acronyms a different tense..if not, I just coined it right here!) about going on a diet…..we’ll leave it at that.

    | June 13, 2011 @ 6:14 pm

  6. Kristen said,

    Love Connection! My afternoon delight!

    | June 13, 2011 @ 6:28 pm

  7. Gamanda said,

    How does Chuck withstand the sands of time? I have to admit though, the “we’ll be back in two and two” did not. I’m not sure if it was because of the decade change or the fact that Lingo had nothing on Love Connection. Man how I miss those innocent romance shows.
    Gamanda´s last blog post ..Just when I start to question my marriage-

    | June 13, 2011 @ 6:45 pm

  8. valary dreyer said,

    hi, stef!!! what do you, chuck and love connection have in common????? freaking amazing entertainment!!!! love you!!!! now please tell me….do i get a book from you or do i need to go out and buy it today???? can’t wait!!!!! you ROCK!!! <3

    | June 13, 2011 @ 6:56 pm

    • Stefanie Wilder Taylor said,

      No YOU ROCK. You can try to win this book or you can buy it anytime! It’s available online or in stores. I will announce the winners on Wed. of next week!

      | June 13, 2011 @ 10:30 pm

  9. Lisa said,

    I just want you to know that I too was way into Parker Stevenson. Shawn Cassidy can suck it!

    | June 13, 2011 @ 7:24 pm

  10. Emily Bartkowicz said,

    Stephanie,

    You flippin’ crack me up! I have your book on my Amazon wish list – sadly I have two preschoolers and no energy, so it may take me a “little” longer than they average gal to read it – will it be on audible.com anytime soon?!

    I love listening to you on the Parent Experiment and can’t wait to find the time to read your newest book in total. Until then, keep up the excerpts, I do manage to read a few emails a day!

    | June 13, 2011 @ 7:52 pm

  11. Tara said,

    I love this post – ah, teenage memories!

    | June 13, 2011 @ 7:58 pm

  12. Julie said,

    I loved watching Love Connection, but I always thought they chose the wrong person. Hmmmmmm Guess my career as a matchmaker would totally be a disaster. Love your blog and books. You keep me laughing and thinking.

    | June 13, 2011 @ 8:32 pm

    • Stefanie Wilder Taylor said,

      I always wanted to be a matchmaker. I even applied to work at Great Expectation at one point but didn’t get hired. Probably for the best since I sort of dislike people.

      | June 13, 2011 @ 10:34 pm

  13. Amelia said,

    Sounds awesome! I can’t wait to read the rest of it!

    | June 13, 2011 @ 9:10 pm

  14. rebecca said,

    Since I’ve read all your other books and I love you dearly and your kids are so oh my goodness cute I really want to win a book signed by you, my most favoritest author in the history of the entire world.
    rebecca´s last blog post ..More On Potty Training

    | June 13, 2011 @ 9:16 pm

    • Stefanie Wilder Taylor said,

      If you buy my book and send it to me, I will sign it and mail it back!

      | June 13, 2011 @ 10:33 pm

  15. sara said,

    I just finished Naptime Is The New Happy Hour and loved it and am so looking forward to reading your new book! I love your style!

    | June 13, 2011 @ 10:22 pm

  16. Sydney said,

    I love your writing–this book is definitely next on my reading list! You are HILARIOUS!

    | June 13, 2011 @ 10:27 pm

  17. Stephanie J said,

    Oh my God. I’ve read all your other books, and I’m actually surprised I haven’t bought it and read it already. You are so abrasive, brutally honest, and borderline inappropriate. I heart you.

    | June 13, 2011 @ 10:44 pm

    • Stefanie Wilder Taylor said,

      I wish I could use that as a quote on my book. I love it. thank you.

      | June 14, 2011 @ 8:27 pm

  18. Stephanie J said,

    Oh and by the way, my last 2 girlfriends that got pregnant received a copy of “Naptime” from me at their baby showers. It’s more important and useful than any of that crap at Babies R Us.

    | June 13, 2011 @ 10:45 pm

  19. Kelly said,

    Crap, you are funny! So glad I stumbled upon your blog… can’t wait to read your books!

    | June 13, 2011 @ 11:55 pm

  20. Juli said,

    You inspire me. If I don’t win a free copy, I’m gonna buy your book. And if I had a paying job, I’d buy it right now. Good luck with the promotions. xx
    Juli´s last blog post ..Ten things I never want to hear a man say again

    | June 14, 2011 @ 12:08 am

  21. Marta said,

    So following you on twitter now!

    Also, I’d love to win a book!

    | June 14, 2011 @ 12:46 am

  22. Black Hockey Jesus said,

    I want to win a signed copy for free. I want it to say “To BHJ, my favorite blogger – SWT”

    I didn’t read the excerpt. I hope that doesn’t disqualify me. I don’t understand why I’d read part of it on your blog when I want to win a copy and read the whole thing. If I read the excerpt, it will be redundant when I read the whole thing. I don’t get this contest, Stefanie.
    Black Hockey Jesus´s last blog post ..Streaks

    | June 14, 2011 @ 4:54 am

  23. Melissa I said,

    I can’t wait to read more! I love your blog and am now following you on Twitter. Wow, I sound like a stalker. Anyway, I’m a fellow twin mom and “Sippy Cups” helped me get over all my Mommy-guilt when my babes were first born. Now they are two and don’t need therapy yet. So we’re doing good!

    | June 14, 2011 @ 6:03 am

    • Stefanie Wilder Taylor said,

      I’m glad Sippy could help. Even at two they still might need therapy. Don’t get cocky!

      | June 14, 2011 @ 8:28 pm

      • Melissa I said,

        I said “yet”

        | June 15, 2011 @ 5:46 am

  24. Jaedeanne said,

    I’ve been such a fan of your writing since I discovered your “Sippy Cups” book! You’re devastatingly funny – can’t wait to read this one too!

    | June 14, 2011 @ 2:06 pm

  25. Tracie said,

    Hilarious. I have to admit though, I was more a fan of “Elimidate.” So much fun to watch!

    | June 15, 2011 @ 1:19 pm

  26. Leah B said,

    I use to watch all the dating shows with my friends … Studs was a favorite. This passage took me back to those days and the heated arguments about who should win.

    | June 15, 2011 @ 6:49 pm

  27. Ellen S. said,

    Can’t wait to read this one!

    | June 15, 2011 @ 8:40 pm

  28. Christina said,

    I’m such a huge fan! I love your books, your blog, anything you do. You inspire me.

    | June 16, 2011 @ 5:17 pm

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