And now, another excerpt. Although this isn’t indicative of the whole book, it does speak to something that a lot of us deal with: getting old as fuck. If you want to win a copy of the book, leave a comment. I will pick a winner from each day and send you an autographed copy of I’m Kind of a Big Deal! Or…you can just buy it here! It’s only 10 bucks.
This is from the chapter Shooting Up
In 2008, I had three kids, a husband and a lively writing career, which was the culmination of years of stand-up and television writing jobs. But, still after all these years of building myself up on the inside, getting therapy, reading motivational books –okay watching motivational Lifetime movies, I was still not immune to the pressures of living in Los Angeles. I tried to be; I went weeks without getting my brows waxed, I rarely wore make-up cause I figured, why bother? I’m a writer! I have earned the right to stay in my pajamas all day and temper deadline anxiety with Red Vines. If I miss a day or two of moisturizing, who’s counting? I haven’t been to a commercial audition in over ten years, I have no agent fretting over whether or not my J-Lo booty is going out of vogue and maybe I should do Pilates because they heard it can really lengthen your glutes. I’m free of feeling the need to conform to the whims of society’s ever changing standards of beauty. Although, I don’t know if I ever actually figured that in those terms or if I was simply too lazy to do anything about my retro-bush (oh yeah, I rocked the pizza slice for months after I had kids) and mustache. But I did pride myself on my lack of self-consciousness.
But one day I caught sight of myself in a photo snapped at a four-year-old’s birthday party and my smug attitude took a sudden and consciousness altering nosedive. I couldn’t believe what had happened to me. One day I was young and cute and the next it was like the elements had declared jihad against my face. I immediately phoned my best friend Diana. “Fuck. I look forty –and not the good kind of forty –not Selma Hayek forty. I look regular forty. I might need some kind of emergency intervention.”
“Honey, it might be time for us to get Botox,” Diana said gingerly, taking on a big sister tone. A few years prior to this I wouldn’t have even considered putting toxins in my face because a few years ago I was laughing my ass off at how ridiculous Meg Ryan looked with her crazy lips the size of banana slugs and how Nicole Kidman’s face packs more plastic than my wallet. And then I had a kid. And, oh my God in one year I aged ten. And, then I turned forty and got pregnant with twins and suddenly, there I was looking forty-two and feeling fifty.
“Botox. That sounds expensive. And there are needles involved –not a fan. And don’t you have to do it all the time? Isn’t it addictive?”
“Well, sure. If you’re crazy. And rich. And an actress. We are none of those things, therefore I think we can be trusted to Tox responsibly.” She did have a point there. But I was still nervous. “Look, I’m going to see my dermatologist next week for a mole count; why don’t you come with me and we’ll ask questions?” Pathetically that actually sounded fun. But when you have three kids, your fun threshold is significantly lowered.
When she swung by my house to take me with her to her Beverly Hills skin doctor, it occurred to me that this is something only women do together. You’d never hear a guy say, “Dude, I’m going to get my toupee clips rotated, wanna ride along?” But Diana and I had it like that. We did everything else together so why not this? I figured I’d let Diana do her thing and then I’d slip in a few questions for the doctor –as if the questions just occurred to me that instant and not like I was trying to work in a free consultation.
Of course once I was in the vicinity of medical personnel, I was off and running. “Can I ask a question?” I said to the assistant nurse. And then I dove right in. “So, I’m going to the gym, I’m eating healthy –if you consider Healthy Choice ice cream bars to be healthy – which I do – hello! The word “healthy” is right in the name!, I’m getting enough sleep and by enough I mean a few hours bookended by children crying and getting into bed with me every night. But basically I’m doing my part and yet, my age is starting to show. I was thinking about the possibility of a little Botox.”
“You know what would be great for you?” the assistant nurse asked.
“Um, what?” I said, hoping whatever it was, it would be available in a cream.
“We have this new mini face-lift. It’s non-surgical and it only requires a few days of social downtime.” Was she serious? Did I really look like someone who could use a face-lift? This was very disconcerting.
“I’m only forty-two. I think that’s a bit young for any procedure requiring ‘social downtime’” I snapped back.
“I know you’d love the results. My mom did it and she looks ten years younger.” Could she make me feel any worse? “It’s only two thousand dollars. We’re running a special.” Apparently she could. “Of course you could always go with Botox and some filler if you’re trying to save money. But it may not get rid of those furrows completely.” And here she poked the top of my nose with her index finger to illustrate, in case I wasn’t aware that my face was a freak show. Damn. I may not be able to get rid of my furrows completely? This was bad news since I hadn’t even known that what I considered a cute little scrunch my nose made when I smiled –like a little bunny –were furrows. Such a nasty word. Furrows sounded like the tunnels in the ground made by rodents overrunning the backyard. Wait, I might’ve been thinking of burrows, but in any case, whatever they were, they were in my forehead.
“I want to look ten years younger but at this point I’ll settle for a little rested,” I said to Diana on our way home from mole patrol, “because I certainly don’t have two grand lying around for a face-lift.”
“That was pretty ridiculous,” Diana said. “You don’t need a face-lift. Maybe just a little Tox and a laser.”
“A laser? Why do I need that?”
“Those liver spots aren’t going to lighten themselves.” This was worse than I thought.
“I don’t know. Maybe I could just try getting more sleep.”
“Stefanie, let’s be honest, you’re the mother of three little kids; the chances of you having Botox far exceed the chances of you getting a full night’s rest.”
Amanda Lewis said,
I love your writing! I purchased one of your older books, but now am going to have to get this! (Unless I win it of course!)
kristen b said,
I have all your books and would LOVE to have this one as well!
I really feel it’s not my place to pay for my own face work. Really, it should be in the hands of all the asshats that do stupid crap around me all day, forcing me to scowl.
I may add that tip jar next to the one I carry for people to donate to our “second kid fund” when they ask about our reproductive calendar.
Gamanda´s last blog post ..Just when I start to question my marriage-
You were my first (blog-read). I will never forget you and I would love to own another of your masterpieces!
Danielle´s last blog post ..Round-Up
Leave it to you to make Botox funny!
Sleep can solve many problems…getting older is not one of them. Wound love to read the whole story.
I’m super excited about reading your book now! Will be purchasing it soon (provided I don’t win one. *wink).
My entire forehead is one big liver spot. *sigh*
omg – I’m afraid I’ve rocked the pizza slice a little too often. I try to avoid deep dish, but sometimes even that is too much maintenance. I read and loved ‘Sippy Cups’ while my first (and only) was a newborn. It was the perfect medicine for my hormone-addled, PPD brain. Bonus Brownie Points: I retweeted your twitter post – You are welcome, be-atch! xo
I have to go to work right now in a retail store…to get some time away from my kids. I’ll be scowling heavily and very deserving of Botox by the end of the night!
Carrie G said,
OMG-get the ‘Tox–screw sleep.
At age 51, I so feel your pain. I have the energy of a 15-year-old but the face of a marionette, you know, deep wrinkles running down the sides of my lips. sigh….
Christina Baglivi Tinglof´s last blog post ..Summer- A Time for Organizing Your Home and Your Twins
laughed my ass off reading this, you’re one funny woman!!! And at 60 I’ve tried the tox. . just wish it wasn’t so expensive!!
Dammit. Why’d ya have to be so funny? Now I have another ‘must read’ blog on my rss feed, and more books to add to my TBR!
I ‘spose I’ll live through it… 😉
Thanks for the giggles!
I’m only 35 and I need a whole lot more than Botox…..so. much. more. Love your writing!
rebecca´s last blog post ..More On Potty Training
Black Hockey Jesus said,
This is a folded up piece of yellow paper that says BHJ on it for your drawing.
(pick the yellow one)
Black Hockey Jesus´s last blog post ..Streaks
I laughed and cried and commiserated along with your “Sippy Cups” book, passed on to me by a good friend as we shared our maternity leaves together. Now time is passing and that boy is starting school and I’m feeling my age. I’m excited for yet another new book – and a timely one, at that!
Rainyday´s last blog post ..Beachin
Is there group discounts for Botox? Maybe you should get some people together..and invite me! I’m not creepy, I promise. I would get on the tox bandwagon (just not to the Nicole Kidman level. I think she used a whole group’s worth on just herself).
sara´s last blog post ..Hard Ways To Get Some Me Time
Yes please! Or pick me! Whichever. As long as I get copy. Even if I have to buy it myself.
Sam´s last blog post ..Oh Fuck!
Melissa I said,
I can’t afford Botox, but I consider myself a master in Photoshop. My mom swears I lost 10 pounds…nope, just some liquify filter. Besides no one has that great of a memory to remember what you actually look like…they just refer to the pictures.
I love hearing it called “Tox.” Sounds like the street version.
I’d LOVE a copy of your book, after my son was born, I read Sippy Cups are not for Chardonnay and Naptime is the New Happy Hour back to back!
I read your article in Parents and immediately went to the blog. I am using you as my motivation to put drinking in a different place in my life. Should I read your books in order or should I start with the newest one first? I am working on my own “Don’t get drunk Friday essay”. I am so inspired.
Ellen S. said,
Love all ur books! Especially the nap time one. I go back just to refresh my memories all the time.
That is awesome that your book is on Kindle. So, I don’t have to pay $15 to ship it to New Zealand. Very awesome.
Juli´s last blog post ..Ten things I never want to hear a man say again
It’s a “FURROW”? I just thought it made me look smarter. Boo.
I love what you said about our fun threshold being lowered after you have kids, so true!