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Whoever Invented Mini Golf Should Die a Slow and Excruciating Death

Whoever invented miniature golf should die a slow and excruciating death and then they might have a vague idea of what it is like to attempt their little blood sport with 3 year old twins and a perfectionist 6 year old. But, knowing you, you will probably immediately make this my fault by wondering why the heck I would take that many young children on a mini golf excursion and expect anything less than pure hell. Yeah, you’re so like that.

So let me get my reason for being there out of the way: There was a birthday party at a place called Castle Park and Elby was invited but according to the invite, siblings were welcome! Now normally, my first reaction to any party at a place with “castle” in the title would be that I hit the jackpot. “Castle” insinuates princesses, does it not? If you try to argue with me this early on and tell me “castle” could also imply knights and/or some sort of unfortunate jousting situation, I will challenge you to an epic sword fight! En garde!

I’m always looking for free stuff to do on the weekends and unlike a lot of my mommy friends, I don’t have ten thousand activities including pottery, drama, swimming and vocal lessons already lined up so I actually say yes to most party invites. I’m probably the only person I know who is happy to see that evite come up in my inbox or find miniature envelope in my kids’ folders at school. I immediate run to Target to buy a gift -just give me a reason! When I got the invite to “Castle” Park, truth be told I was going to send my husband with Elby to give them a little bonding time but my husband’s back conveniently got strained and he had to do some work (P*rn Hub) so I offered to take Elby and since my husband couldn’t lift anything heavier than a beer and siblings were welcome I brought them too.

So, yeah, there were no princesses. It was an arcade/mini golf place and I don’t even know why it had castle in the title. Maybe there was some sort of King Arthur theme but I don’t recall actually seeing anything remotely Round Table related. You were right, I was wrong. Happy now? So, note to anyone planning an outing to a mini golf place with preschooler twins: stay home.

Problem 1) The party was at 3:30 pm and my twins don’t nap. By 4 pm in general, Mattie is tired and tends to have the emotional stability of Kelly Bensimon, but if it’s been a busy morning like, I don’t know, EASTER? the wheels are going to be flying off the cart well before then.

Problem 2) The weather in Los Angeles has been completely bi-polar so what started as a shitty day became hot enough for flimsy dresses by the early afternoon but cold enough for a parka when we arrived at Castle Park…dressed in flimsy dresses with no parkas.

Problem 3) The event was boy heavy. Now parents of girls will be on my side immediately and parents of boys may have stopped reading to write me a negative comment but here’s the truth: boys in groups are loud. Also, they don’t share in any of my interests which are A) quiet time B) eating C) eating quietly D) glitter. Now nothing against them individually but in herds they are a menace to my sanity and from now on need to be avoided at all costs.

Problem 4) Wide open areas + unfenced water + crowds + 2 three-year-olds = CONSTANT PANIC THAT MY CHILDREN WILL WANDER OFF THE SECOND MY EYES LEAVE THEM AND END UP KIDNAPPED OR FOUND SWIMMING WITH THE GOLF BALLS AT THE BOTTOM OF A MAN MADE LAKE.

Problem 5) The schedule: Food, followed by cake and ice cream followed by “everyone go play mini golf.” Now I have three kids on a raging sugar high after a crazy day wielding golf clubs. A certain behavioralist I know would call this “bad local conditions.”

Problem 6) MINI GOLF

Sorry but mini golf itself is pure torture. I’m willing to concede that it’s possible I may have enjoyed it with just my six-year-old but I have my doubts. I don’t like golfing in general. I don’t like it as a sport nor do I particularly enjoy people who are really into golfing. I find them to be wholly extremely conservative politically and possessing very limited fashion sense. I get that mini golf isn’t the same thing as what Tiger Woods does but still, you’re trying to hit a ball into a hole in as few tries as possible. This happens to be very frustrating for adults but apparently a billion times more so to a perfectionist six year old who broke down crying every time it took her more than three tries to putt the ball in. Which by the way is about thirty fewer putts than it would’ve taken me had I played.

Did I mention it was freezing out at this point?

How about Matilda’s emotional state? Neither of my twins would allow me to help them or even just touch their club or their hands that were holding the club but since I couldn’t move them to the next hole without some sort of assistance we ended up at a stand-off. Finally Matilda pulled out the big guns. She lay down on the course and screamed that she was tired and didn’t want help and wanted to go home.

This was at hole two. There were 16 holes to go. I called the whole thing off at hole 10 which was 10 more than I wanted to play but since it was Elby’s friend’s party I felt bad making her leave because I was too dumb to realize the twins shouldn’t have come and because I didn’t plan well enough to bring a damn sweater.

All three children were led out of Castle Park crying. Elby was crying because I wouldn’t let her play video games in the arcade (and apparently I “never ever let her play video games at the Castle Park arcade” despite the fact that we’ve never been there) and the twins were crying because…I don’t know why. I’m not a child psychologist, I’m just a very tired mom. A mom who could not be happier that school was back in session this morning.

And now, I must go binge on grapes and have a nap.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on April 25, 2011 4:51 pmUncategorized16 comments  

16 Comments

  1. Aly said,

    Haha, “Emotional stability of Kelly Bensimon.” Classic.

    I truly enjoy your blog and how you keep it real. And I feel your pain about yesterday-it was painful even to read about!

    Saturday we went to an Easter egg hunt at my aunt’s house. She has a 6 year old boy and triplets: 2 boys and a girl. I don’t know how parents of multiples do it but I will say that she has the energy of the energizer bunny on crack- and she doesn’t even drink coffee! Some people are like that I guess. Good for her! I would probably be dead if I were in her shoes.

    | April 25, 2011 @ 8:05 pm

  2. robin said,

    I have a boy AND a girl, and I totally “get” the LOUD boy part. They are loud and obnoxious and tell fart and pee jokes all day long. Although, so does my husband, so do things really change?

    I sympathized with you all the way through this. It was like a checklist, and I was able to check off every thing you described. I think I have gone through this scenario multiple times in the past year, only difference is I have 2 kids, not 3. Mad props to you.

    We should go get a drink sometime and share the misery. OH WAIT. We don’t do that either. 😉

    Thanks for the laugh. This made my kid drama in the last month feel more normal.

    | April 25, 2011 @ 8:07 pm

  3. rebecca said,

    A grape binge? Who has ever heard of a grape binge. Where are your cookies, chocolate, cupcakes, frosting?!!!
    rebecca´s last blog post ..Scary Storms

    | April 25, 2011 @ 8:48 pm

    • Caroline said,

      I agree!!! I was like what the hell is a grape binge??!! Kids are at school you should be either a. piliging Easter baskets or b. at Target purchasing 50% off Easter candy.

      | April 25, 2011 @ 9:47 pm

  4. Kelly said,

    Children shouldn’t be allowed to do anything that involves swinging clubs.

    Pretty sure I got clubbed in the back of the head by one of my boy cousins “playing” golf when he was about 3 or so.

    Just seems like a bad idea.
    Kelly´s last blog post ..I am a Momma

    | April 25, 2011 @ 9:48 pm

    • Missy said,

      My oldest son still has a scar on the back of his head from my middle boy welding a golf club like a samari warrior when they were 2 and 4. I Still hear about my lack of poor parenting skills when he gets a haircut and can see it. My bad :)

      | April 26, 2011 @ 8:27 pm

  5. Jodi said,

    I have never even considered taking my children to a mini-golf course for all of these reasons. Boys are loud, have no interest in quietly eating glitter, should be avoided whenever possible. I have three of the little monkeys and I give the same advice all the time.
    Jodi´s last blog post ..What I Made for Dinner- April 20- 2011

    | April 26, 2011 @ 12:54 am

  6. Kat Clark said,

    Classic! I love reading your blogs, and your books. you give me inspiration to keep writing. By the way, my husband is into golf, and totally obsessed with politics! You can probably take a guess at his political views. :) I laughed out loud at that part!

    | April 26, 2011 @ 7:14 pm

  7. Moi said,

    Coming from a mom with 3 boys, you totally hit the nail on the head! They are loud, and annoying especially in confined spaces…mini golf is the worst. (sport) Is it even considered a sport or just a way to torture mothers more.

    | April 26, 2011 @ 7:49 pm

  8. Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) said,

    hahaha…we used to go play mini-golf all the time but just with the family! After my oldest child had a party involving both boys and girls at our house which was a NIGHTMARE, i swore i would never have a boys party at my house again…and i didn’t. Every party for my son was in another locale. Usually at the pool where i just bought water guns and let them scream.

    Thank god i’m past all that party torture shit.
    Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up)´s last blog post ..In which i got good news

    | April 26, 2011 @ 8:32 pm

  9. Kirsten said,

    YES! That very same place caused me a busted back under similar circumstances.

    | April 26, 2011 @ 9:21 pm

  10. Kelsey said,

    You are brave for making the attempt – I think I would flat out refuse to mini golf unless I was in a one parent per child (or two or three adults per child) situation.
    Kelsey´s last blog post ..Falling Down on the Job

    | April 28, 2011 @ 3:49 am

  11. margalit said,

    You absolutely, positively MUST read the book I reviewed today on my blog. You will learn to love mini-golf. Or at least appreciate it a lot more!
    margalit´s last blog post ..The Out-of-Synch Mom

    | May 1, 2011 @ 5:58 am

  12. sheila said,

    oh sister…as the mom of two boys you NAILED it.

    I called a friend with girls this weekedn and her house was SILENT — and there were 8 girls at her house for a sleepover. The invitees were in their sleeping bags TALKING. WTF.

    If my kids have one other boy over for a sleepover my house is trashed and there is always screaming and some sort of shit smeared on my couch or carpet.

    | May 2, 2011 @ 4:58 pm

  13. Joceline said,

    The sentence, “You never ever let me play video games at the Castle Park arcade” sums up the horrible, irrational despair and longing behind all child and grownup melt downs. Love it.

    | May 10, 2011 @ 2:41 am

  14. Jennifer G said,

    IS IT JUNE YET!? I can’t WAIT for your new BOOK! You should have a CONTEST!!! SO one of US…your FOLLOWERS…can win it EARLY!! LOL… :-) Can’t wait for the book!!!

    | May 11, 2011 @ 1:33 am

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