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I woke up the other night at 2 a.m. and as my burning eyes glared at the clock I said to myself ..”crap I did it again” then I lay awake praying and swearing that this was absolutely the last time for this. I knew the next day I would feel like shit and be tired and short with my kids and my husband and just hate myself all day long..not to mention feeling like I had to work out all day and starve myself because I drank like a zillion calories worth of alcohol the night before. Boy what a vicious cycle I had created and really not much fun at all. I knew this had to stop. I want to be there,lucid for my family at all times.
I have always liked to drink , When I was in college and throughout my twenties I drank with my friends and yes we usually drank too much and were hungover but I never gave it much thought as it was not an everyday occurrence. Then into my thirties about the same until about a year or so before I got married and had kids. That is when I noticed that I had developed a habit of coming home from work and immediately opening a beer..it was like I waited all day for it. Well one turned into 2 and so on but I felt like I worked hard and I had to relax. Then I stared wondering if I had a problem but quickly dismissed that thought since I never missed work or didn’t do what I was supposed to do.
Well I soon got married and pregnant and stopped drinking and smoking( I smoked on occasion but any it too much) right away. I proceeded to have 3 boys in four years and with the first 2 I came home from the hospital and went right back to my drink or two every night or every other night but boy by the third one it was like the minute I came home I opened a beer and never stopped!! I was feeling so detached from the outside world. I barely had time to shower and hated getting dressed because nothing fit right and yah yah yah…but my life was on a spiral out of control and I did not know how to stop it. I have a great husband , a great house and three great kids so why did I need to escape into a can of beer for sanity..it did not make sense to me. I felt like I was grasping for anything or any moment that was just mine and I think I sadly that I only felt like myself when I drank because I was not relating to this new self as a stay at home mom of three.
For the next 2 years I would drink on a schedule..one day on one day off for the self loathing. I would sneak out front when the kids were in bed and sit and drink and smoke like I was escaping into some other universe for a minute or two. The whole time I did it I knew I would regret it the next day but that never stopped me because at the time each sip eased more and more anxiety. Then one night I happened to look out of the corner of my eye and there was my son peering out the window watching me take a drag off of a cigarette with a beer in my hand. I felt like such a loser..who does that? What kind of example was that?
That was it..no more. I was not about to let alcohol ruin all that God had blessed me with. I really wish that I could have a glass of wine or so or a few beers but it is like once I get a taste I lose control and have no cut off switch. I need to be there for my family and that is more important to me even though it is very hard to recondition yourself and find things to fill the time that was previously spent drinking , however the more days that I do it I feel better and better. I really like letting go of that daily shame and not to mention the fact that I feel much stronger and healthier and happier.