This is from an active member of the Booze Free Brigade which is almost 700 strong. She posts as Elevenyearslater if you want to check her out y’all.
To the woman still drinking:
I know the hell of the voices in your head. I know the blankness and relief that come from taking the action to get a drink. I know that feeling of fuck-it and the scrambling of thought to rationalize what I could no longer control. I know the sweet release of giving in to the incredible tension of Not tonight vs. Yes-just one more night.
I know the fear as it built each day: I won’t today, I don’t want to today, I have to, I have to right now, RIGHT NOW-I cannot take another minute of this battle in my mind and body. I know the terror of realizing that I had no control, that the alcohol owned me, and I was a slave to it. The last month of my drinking I was simply resigned: Oh it’s 4:00 pm, time to start that bullshit again. OK, tonight I won’t get drunk.
And every single night, without break or fail, I did.
We are all capable, strong women here at the Booze Free Brigade. We manage families, jobs, homes, and our drinking. We keep doing it until it starts to break down. We keep doing it until alcohol sops everything we own, waiting only for a single spark to burn everything we try so desperately hold together in white hot flame. When I look back on when I quit, I imagine the Furies readying their scissors to cut the single thread of sanity that held my life aloft over their boiling pot of oil. They were waiting for THAT drink, the one that made me snap, the one I wouldn’t come back from.
I, who still looked good on the outside, who lived on “it’s not that bad”, awoke on a Wednesday like any other, pulled my shit together again. Got the kids to school, and was driving into the office full of the usual remorse, the usual shaking, the usual scrambling to fill in the blank spots in my mind from the night before. As I drove, I realized I was broken. I was in chaos and despair and stopping drinking was the only answer I had left. I couldn’t put a happy face or denial face on what I was feeling and doing. I had tried everything else, and there was no other option.
I doubt you believe that alcoholism is a disease. I didn’t, not really. But it is. Alcohol has changed the hard-wiring of our brains. We can no longer feel pleasure the way non-drinkers do until we quit and stay quit. Once we pass over the line to compulsion, there is no turning back. There is only through: quit or die a slow, grim death one way or another.
It is that serious and it is that deadly. I offer my support and encouragement, but I also have to offer the truth. It isn’t fair, it isn’t kind, and it isn’t just. But every woman at the BFB who has quit will tell you it is better on the other side. Every single one. And we are here to help you when you are ready.
You can find smart, funny, sober women doing recovery any way that works at The Booze Free Brigade
Lisa H. said,
Mary, you’re telling my story. I am on “the other side” now. There is hope. What has worked for me is being with others who are just like me and finding out how they got sober, but more importantly, how they -stayed- sober. Remember that addiction thrives on shame and silence. Reach out in whatever way you feel comfortable and find that relief. Recovery is available to you. You don’t have to drink anymore if you are willing to recover. By the way, the other pre-school moms aren’t always as “normal” as they look. Everyone thought I had it together too. Hugs to you.
Claire - elevenyearslater said,
Mary, bring your lovely pseudonym to the brigade and ask the question. Or just lurk and see people change from one day to the next. That’s how I started. Some people have quit, some haven’t. Some use AA, some don’t. I meant what I said about recovery any way that works. There are literally hundreds of women there who are exactly your demographic (which is a constant source of amazement for me). I’d suggest a small step, like that.
Maybe you will find that the next big thing doesn’t have to happen after all. You are not alone and you do not have to drink.
At Mary (above),
You don’t have to wait for the “next BIG thing” to make a change. Sobriety is the next BIG thing, and let me tell you, it’s HUGE. You can have that normalcy you crave, you can. And you ask how to stop? You make the decision to stop and you stick to it. And it’s really effing hard but it gets easier and easier and all of a sudden you won’t believe your life and you wonder how you ever lived that way. You deserve this.
I loved this post, Stef. So brave and honest and true.
clara@soberinsweats´s last blog post ..Monday Meeting
Lisa H. said,
Wow, this post is simply perfect and beautiful. I so wish I had been able to read something like this when I was battling my alcoholism. I know that for many, many women, this will be a light in the darkness. Thank you, thank you, thank you, ElevenYearsLater, for sharing your beautiful words. It fills me with gratitude. xo
Beautiful, thank you. This is just perfectly said.
Jane´s last blog post ..Christmas Vacation
Absolutely perfect. Thank you.
Jae´s last blog post ..Sexualization of a Child
Brilliant post. Thank you so very much for your wise words.
I quit 9 months ago and never, ever thought I could do it.
I thank all the wise women who post on this blog for all your support.
This is exactly how I felt at the end. You nailed it. I’m so much happier on the sober side. Love u bfb sisters. Jill
I have no words to explain the absolute wonderfulness and accurateness of this post!!! I have it saved and will refer often to the authenticity of it. THANK YOU!!
Beautiful. Heart-breaking. Thank you for your raw honesty. I am in tears, experiencing that sad swelling in my heart for those still in pain. I’m going to save this to give to newcomers. You have such a talent with words, please never stop writing and expressing yourself!
Very inspiring post!! I enjoy reading all your blog..It’s so sad that there are people suffering
Be an inspiration always to everyone.
I voted for you…..on Top 25~
rebecca´s last blog post ..Spring Cleaning
You described the bondage of alcoholism perfectly. The hold it had over my life is only something another alcoholic can comprehend. As my sponsor always says we can get off the elevator on any floor and you’re a strong woman to have made the decision to stop when you did.
My disease progressed to drinking during the work day and being drunk 24/7. And at the end I really believed that was my lot in life and that I would never stop.
But I did and am 11 months sober today! I’m living proof that anyone can stop if they have the right support system, tools and a solid recovery program.
LF´s last blog post ..Part 4- My Life Had to Get Worse Before It Got Better
[…] all trying to survive with and benefit from. What Wilder-Taylor has accomplished in her “Don’t Get Drunk Friday’s” posts is amazing. The posts are brutally honest and riveting although not always easy to read. […]
I’ve been seeing your pleas for votes on Facebook…I’ll vote for you every day you post a blog, even if it’s only a photo of your little ones with a couple of sentences.
rebecca´s last blog post ..Washing
I keep trying to decide if I am an alcoholic or not. I crave wine every night. Usually around 4:30-5pm when I’m getting dinner ready for my husband and 2 young children. I will drink 2 glasses of wine almost every night- sometimes 3. But then I stop. I have no desire to get really drunk. As soon as I feel the effects I stop. My husband dismisses my concerns and says that I don’t have a problem- but I’m not supposed to have more than 1 drink a day. I never drive when drinking, I drink alone or with my husband- but he will have 1 glass and then stop. I feel horrible guilt because I crave it every night and think I have a problem. Am I over-reacting or do I have a problem? I didn’t drink a single drop while pregnant with both my children.