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Don’t Get Drunk Friday: Anonymous

And this week…a story from a friend on the Booze Free Brigade. Can you see yourself? Can you see someone else?

“I was hesitant to write my story because I don’t have much sobriety time really. But maybe my story can help someone or give them some hope despite that so here goes. I am a late thirties single mom to a wonderful teenage daughter. I live in a small town and have for all my life. I had a great childhood and a great family. I knew alcoholism ran in my family but hey I wouldn’t have “that” happen to me. My parents would be disappointed I gave it the chance to get me but they would also be proud that I am trying to make better choices, if I ever tell them.

I have drunk off and on since high school. During high school it was more the social kind of drinking. I was a good girl and didn’t get in much trouble. I married right out of high school. My ex was/is an alcoholic so during most of my marriage I didn’t do much drinking. Looking back I think I felt like I needed to be responsible and “take care” of things. As our marriage progressed he got on drugs. I put up with it for a few years then decided enough is enough!! Somewhere during the last couple of years of our façade of a marriage I had started drinking on weekends with friends. Ahhh here was the fun I was searching for. I could relax, dance, flirt and enjoy myself. I thought I deserved it. After our divorce the party was on every weekend. I had the best time for a while. Then things started getting just a bit out of control. Passing out in bars/public places was a common occurrence for a period of time. I was always embarrassed but not enough to stop. Not yet.

Fast forward a few more years of the same over drinking. Thankfully that public passing out mostly stopped. I was in an on again, off again relationship for years after my divorce. Again I put up with a lot of things I didn’t deserve. Nothing awful. Just not what I deserve. I think I felt like I didn’t deserve anything too good because of my drinking choices. Any drinking led to too much drinking and frequent regretful behavior. I quit for almost six months in 2007. My then boyfriend and I went to dinner. “Don’t you want a glass of wine?” he asked. “Why, yes I do” me. Thanks for the support man.

Couple more years of that stuff and enough was enough and we broke up. Ahhhh no one to answer to, freedom to do what I want! Well this was always to drink. Ever since my divorce anytime my daughter wasn’t home was my cue to drink. After all I deserve some “me” time after all my bad relationships, life, etc.

This leads us to the last few years. During this time I have repeatedly thought almost every time I drank I need to quit. Hmmm you think? I have done countless careless, stupid, dangerous, just asking for trouble things while drinking. I almost always blackout. I wake up and pray that my car is home. I try to piece together what happened. I retrace my texts/phone calls/facebook interactions. I try to avoid friends I may have been with because I have no clue what I said or did or how the night went. I had a few briefs stops. Couple weeks at best. That little drinking bitch in my head, I call her Trixie, always tricked me (get the name lol )back into “having just one”. Ha like that would ever happen. I quit for 58 days from August to the beginning of October. Back at it for a couple of months. Nope, still can’t drink “normally”. I have had 5 different sobriety dates that I can remember since December. I have no doubt I am an alcoholic.

My sobriety date is February 26, 2011. 20 days today. Again, no expert at this. I can tell you what I am doing and that is to try and do things differently than before to get different results. I found a wonderful online board of amazingly supportive women, The Booze Free Brigade. I joined an online AA group and (gasp) have even been to some live AA (bootleg cult) meetings. I try to be honest with someone when I am fighting with the little drinking bitch in my head, whether it be posting on the board or calling a friend who knows I am giving sobriety a shot. I have made friends through my AA meetings and am actually considering getting a sponsor and working the steps. Works for many. Maybe, just maybe, it would work for me too.
I want to quit because my daughter deserves better, I don’t want anything worse to happen, I fully believe I was not created to be drunk. I want to quit because this disease is progressive and I see it happening and it scares me. I want to quit because I deserve better!

It’s hard, it’s a tricky disease, it totally sucks at times not drinking. I worry I won’t have fun again, I worry I won’t be fun again, I worry I can’t ever hang out with my friends again. I try to trust that my amazing supportive BFB girls and AA friends aren’t lying to me when they say it is worth it and it gets better and better. After all they probably have better things to do than lie to me right? So that’s my story in a nutshell. Thanks for reading!!”

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on March 18, 2011 11:18 amDon't Get Drunk Friday13 comments  

13 Comments

  1. Betsy said,

    You go girl!!! We are sooooo proud of you for putting your story here! You are an inspiration to those with a few days, few years and with only a few hours.

    So brave and so vigilant – we love you!!!

    bets

    | March 18, 2011 @ 12:15 pm

  2. Trish said,

    Way to go! Well done. You are so brave and inspiring.

    Trish

    | March 18, 2011 @ 1:14 pm

  3. Missy said,

    What an amazing post. I cannot begin to tell you how much strength I gained from your post, and for that I thank you!

    | March 18, 2011 @ 1:34 pm

  4. Lisa H. said,

    You inspire me to no end! I absolutely love your story and I see so much of my own drinking past in it. Especially the trying to piece together the previous evening. Ugh. I’m so grateful we don’t have to live like that anymore.

    You are a sparkling example of honesty, open-mindedness, and willingness. Keep at it! You are helping SO many by sharing your journey.

    And I *heart* the bootleg cult! : )

    | March 18, 2011 @ 2:05 pm

  5. Stephanie said,

    Thanks for sharing your story so honestly. I think it takes a lot of courage to share your process when you are really in the middle of your process. People with 20 years sobriety of course have a lot of wisdom, but I always have this feeling like – but do you really remember what it was like? Of course they do, but to hear all of these things from someone who is right in the heart of it is a great gift. I like how you said you know you were not meant to be a drunk. It just shows that you know you have so much to offer the world and you are willing to fight for it. This becoming sober process is so much about recognizing our our value and that we are worth it. Thank you for your honesty and for putting your story out there for the world.
    Stephanie (happy BFBer!)

    | March 18, 2011 @ 6:26 pm

  6. Karen said,

    Great, GREAT story. The part about piecing together the night before really got me. I’ve sooooo been there. None of us is an expert at this – but one day at a time, we are doing it. You are so right – your daughter (and my daughter and sons) deserve your sobriety. You CAN do it. Don’t drink today. I won’t either! Thanks for sharing!

    | March 18, 2011 @ 6:42 pm

  7. kristin said,

    one day at a time mama!

    | March 19, 2011 @ 3:32 pm

  8. LF said,

    I didn’t believe it in the beginning either, but it really does get better!

    And I shared the same feelings about how could I ever have fun anymore. For me drinking was fun years ago, but once I crossed that line it was my enemy and brought me to my knees.

    I love my new, amazing, sober life. And I have something I haven’t felt in years: Hope

    LF
    LF´s last blog post ..Part 4 Continued- It Gets Even Worse

    | March 20, 2011 @ 6:32 am

  9. Who am I? said,

    I started my own blog/rambling spot. I don’t even know if I did it right or if anyone can find it. I think it helps me to ramble/journal and maybe help someone else too.

    | March 21, 2011 @ 8:29 pm

  10. steph said,

    I think I need you.

    | March 23, 2011 @ 4:07 am

    • Who am I? said,

      What do you need??

      | March 24, 2011 @ 1:10 am

  11. ali said,

    AWESOME story! Thanks for sharing and you can do it! =)

    | March 23, 2011 @ 11:09 pm

  12. Cecilia Banzhaf said,

    Great work! This is the type of info that should be shared around the net. Shame on Google for not positioning this post higher! Come on over and visit my web site . Thanks =)

    | April 4, 2011 @ 5:45 am

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