And this week…a story from a friend on the Booze Free Brigade. Can you see yourself? Can you see someone else?
“I was hesitant to write my story because I don’t have much sobriety time really. But maybe my story can help someone or give them some hope despite that so here goes. I am a late thirties single mom to a wonderful teenage daughter. I live in a small town and have for all my life. I had a great childhood and a great family. I knew alcoholism ran in my family but hey I wouldn’t have “that” happen to me. My parents would be disappointed I gave it the chance to get me but they would also be proud that I am trying to make better choices, if I ever tell them.
I have drunk off and on since high school. During high school it was more the social kind of drinking. I was a good girl and didn’t get in much trouble. I married right out of high school. My ex was/is an alcoholic so during most of my marriage I didn’t do much drinking. Looking back I think I felt like I needed to be responsible and “take care” of things. As our marriage progressed he got on drugs. I put up with it for a few years then decided enough is enough!! Somewhere during the last couple of years of our façade of a marriage I had started drinking on weekends with friends. Ahhh here was the fun I was searching for. I could relax, dance, flirt and enjoy myself. I thought I deserved it. After our divorce the party was on every weekend. I had the best time for a while. Then things started getting just a bit out of control. Passing out in bars/public places was a common occurrence for a period of time. I was always embarrassed but not enough to stop. Not yet.
Fast forward a few more years of the same over drinking. Thankfully that public passing out mostly stopped. I was in an on again, off again relationship for years after my divorce. Again I put up with a lot of things I didn’t deserve. Nothing awful. Just not what I deserve. I think I felt like I didn’t deserve anything too good because of my drinking choices. Any drinking led to too much drinking and frequent regretful behavior. I quit for almost six months in 2007. My then boyfriend and I went to dinner. “Don’t you want a glass of wine?” he asked. “Why, yes I do” me. Thanks for the support man.
Couple more years of that stuff and enough was enough and we broke up. Ahhhh no one to answer to, freedom to do what I want! Well this was always to drink. Ever since my divorce anytime my daughter wasn’t home was my cue to drink. After all I deserve some “me” time after all my bad relationships, life, etc.
This leads us to the last few years. During this time I have repeatedly thought almost every time I drank I need to quit. Hmmm you think? I have done countless careless, stupid, dangerous, just asking for trouble things while drinking. I almost always blackout. I wake up and pray that my car is home. I try to piece together what happened. I retrace my texts/phone calls/facebook interactions. I try to avoid friends I may have been with because I have no clue what I said or did or how the night went. I had a few briefs stops. Couple weeks at best. That little drinking bitch in my head, I call her Trixie, always tricked me (get the name lol )back into “having just one”. Ha like that would ever happen. I quit for 58 days from August to the beginning of October. Back at it for a couple of months. Nope, still can’t drink “normally”. I have had 5 different sobriety dates that I can remember since December. I have no doubt I am an alcoholic.
My sobriety date is February 26, 2011. 20 days today. Again, no expert at this. I can tell you what I am doing and that is to try and do things differently than before to get different results. I found a wonderful online board of amazingly supportive women, The Booze Free Brigade. I joined an online AA group and (gasp) have even been to some live AA (bootleg cult) meetings. I try to be honest with someone when I am fighting with the little drinking bitch in my head, whether it be posting on the board or calling a friend who knows I am giving sobriety a shot. I have made friends through my AA meetings and am actually considering getting a sponsor and working the steps. Works for many. Maybe, just maybe, it would work for me too.
I want to quit because my daughter deserves better, I don’t want anything worse to happen, I fully believe I was not created to be drunk. I want to quit because this disease is progressive and I see it happening and it scares me. I want to quit because I deserve better!
It’s hard, it’s a tricky disease, it totally sucks at times not drinking. I worry I won’t have fun again, I worry I won’t be fun again, I worry I can’t ever hang out with my friends again. I try to trust that my amazing supportive BFB girls and AA friends aren’t lying to me when they say it is worth it and it gets better and better. After all they probably have better things to do than lie to me right? So that’s my story in a nutshell. Thanks for reading!!”
Who am I? said,
What do you need??
AWESOME story! Thanks for sharing and you can do it! =)
Cecilia Banzhaf said,
Great work! This is the type of info that should be shared around the net. Shame on Google for not positioning this post higher! Come on over and visit my web site . Thanks =)