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Don’t Get Drunk Fridays: Anonymous

This was sent to me anonymously and I can respect that. It helped me as I know it will help you too. -Stef

I never really gave drinking much thought at all, unless I was out at a bar in my early twenties with friends I would have a couple of drinks. Usually beer, nothing more. Sometimes it made me sick the next day and I would go months without drinking. I don’t remember ever buying drinks to have at home, unless I had friends over. After my second daughter was born, I found myself just generally unhappy and though most of it came from my marriage, I was generally a happy person and didn’t really have any major life issues. I loved being a mom and my kids were my world. One weekend I threw a shower for my cousin and I bought a few bottles of wine. I opened one early and ended up a little tipsy throughout the party. After everyone left I finished off the rest and got very sick and was hungover the next day.

A few days after that I was frustrated and uptight and remembered how good that “tipsy” felt the weekend before. I picked up a bottle that afternoon at the store and started drinking while cooking and listening to music. This was the beginning of my “ritual”. I drank this way every day, or every other day for about 2 more years until my divorce from my first husband. During (and after) my divorce I still drank, but I also started going to the gym and I was holding down a job I enjoyed. I would say I didn’t think my drinking was a problem. During this time I dated and was enjoying my kids. I even tried to get back together with my ex-husband. (what would the kids today say? epic fail?)

In 2007 I began dating my now husband. He is such a happy, outgoing, charming person. We loved the beach and gardening, and most importantly we both loved God. Meeting him and his family really helped me get back into my faith. He was the husband I had longed for, the partner I wanted to raise my kids with and have a future with. Our whirlwind romance led us to the courthouse for our simple vows only 6 months after we began dating. 6 months after that we got pregnant. I did drink during our courtship and early months of marriage, but still, It wasn’t so much that I (or he) thought it was a problem. 9 months of being pregnant and about 5 months after my baby was born I did not drink.

One day, I had that anxiety I used to feel. I was overwhelmed. The house was a mess, and the children were demanding. My husband was demanding…. I bought a bottle of wine and sipped it to calm down while cooking dinner and listening to music. Ahh, I missed this feeling. I was very careful to not drink too much as I was nursing. I did drink every few days but carefully monitored the timing and amount so I would not hurt my baby. After she weaned at 9 months, my drinking escalated. I began to think I may have a problem, but I could go 4 or 5 days and not care if I had any… so I would reward myself on that 6th day. Soon I would drink earlier and earlier and by the time my husband was home, I was just mad at him for everything. He never had a chance most days to be greeted by the loving, happy wife I really wanted to be. I would go to bed early, and wake up early, scared to death of the things I might have said to him. He would always forgive me. I would always vow to stop, but instead hid my drinking. I would say I “tried” to hide my drinking. He always knew, but most days didn’t say anything, unless I caused a fight.

In February 2010 I was pregnant again. We were happy and I was thankful and I stopped drinking. I didn’t even have a craving and I thanked God everyday and was just certain this baby was sent to save my life and my marriage. On Feb. 13th 2010 I came home from running a 5k, and started bleeding. After a week of not knowing if there was indeed a baby, my Dr. confirmed it was a molar pregnancy. This was the second time I had a molar pregnancy.

After my surgery and a round of chemo (molar pregnancy has a small percent chance of becoming cancerous), I picked my ritual right back up full force. My drinking became out of control. I would hide it, lie about it, regret it, promise to not do it and then do it again. The longest I could go was 3-4 days. On weekends I drank the most, usually wine, sometimes rum, sometimes beer. I was such a sad person and I had no idea why. My husband was wonderfully supportive every time I told him I wanted to stop, but this was my problem, how could he fix it for me? I felt like I was ruining my marriage, and indeed I was. I loved my husband so much, I had no idea why I kept hurting us by drinking. We had a great life. It was just bliss – when I was sober.

That whole spring and summer I drank. That whole spring and summer he asked me to get help, and he also started to lean on another woman for his joy in life. It wasn’t me anymore that gave him happiness, it was her. When I found out about the affair, I was 9 days sober. My question to him was “what is it about her that makes her so much better than me?” His answer: “She’s not an alcoholic”. Wow! I wanted to punch him in the face, (and her) and I wanted to leave him right then and there. I wanted to die. I wanted the truth to disappear. Surprisingly I did not want to drink. Somehow, that is all I had at the moment. I did not want to run to the store and drink to forget it, I wanted to overcome it. I wanted to stay sober. If not for my marriage, for my 3 beautiful kids.

Today I am 127 days sober. I am in reconciliation with my husband and it is not easy, but it is a start. I am pregnant again. I found out I was pregnant a few weeks after I found out about the affair. Some days I feel the baby was sent to protect me. I never did crave alcohol while pregnant. My doctor and midwife both suggested I may have had postpartum depression after my last baby and the molar pregnancy. (and after my second daughter as well, when I explained the feelings leading up to my drinking) After the pregnancy I will take special care to try to handle these feelings right away, without turning to alcohol. I am nervous, and I am still hurt from the affair, but I am trying to learn not to dwell on those things and just take care of my family and this new baby.

I hang on to this verse John 16:33 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on February 19, 2011 7:20 amDon't Get Drunk Friday11 comments  

11 Comments

  1. Kim said,

    Anonymous-

    I like many others share many of the elements of your story. I too have a strong faith and in my case God answered my petition for the craving to go with a 10 day case of strep to get me on the right path. You aren’t in this alone. You have your family, baby on board, and your God to lift you up. I’m to be one year on 3/30. I have joked that I had been sober long enough to have another baby. You get to have one! Hang in there. We’re all rooting for you!

    | February 19, 2011 @ 12:53 pm

  2. Tweets that mention Don’t Get Drunk Fridays: Anonymous | Stefanie Wilder Taylor -- Topsy.com said,

    […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by susan marriage, momsblogging. momsblogging said: Baby on Board: Don’t Get Drunk Fridays: Anonymous http://bit.ly/hSWwbc […]

    | February 19, 2011 @ 2:38 pm

  3. robin said,

    I am so proud of you! 127 days is so wonderful and you have so much to be proud of. Your story has a lot of similarities to mine, and to so many people reading this site. Thanks for sharing…it will help so many people! I am so glad you have Him in your life. He is amazing. :-)

    | February 19, 2011 @ 8:58 pm

  4. Christina Tinglof said,

    Very moving and heart wrenching. Hang in there and thank you for sharing.
    Christina Tinglof´s last blog post ..Got Twins 9 Tips for Reducing Family Stress

    | February 21, 2011 @ 5:24 pm

  5. Catherine said,

    Thank you, Anon, for sharing your story. I have to say, I’m a little troubled by your husband’s reasoning for his affair. I understand that your drinking contributed to problems in the marriage that resulted in an emotional disconnect, but, as someone who was married to an alcoholic for 10 years, I think it is important to reject pat answers that are easy blame placed on the addict’s shoulders. Believe me, I could look at my own failed marriage and just blame and blame and blame! I’d be “justified”, but I wouldn’t be 100% right since I was there too. I just think life is more complicated than that; we’re all responsible and we all contribute to our relationships. I’m glad you’re working in all kinds of good ways to rebuild. Sending you really good vibes!

    | February 22, 2011 @ 1:19 am

    • LF said,

      Anon,

      Thanks for your story. I have 10 months of sobriety.

      I can kind of understand the affair part (although I couldn’t at the time). My husband begged and pleaded and I promised so many times to quit drinking but couldn’t. He had it.

      We have since divorced and he doesn’t see that woman anymore. Divorce is never easy, and we had a lot of other issues besides my drinking but today I’m in a better place. And a much better mom too.

      Regards,
      LF

      | February 28, 2011 @ 4:03 pm

  6. Aimee Giese | Greeblemonkey said,

    Thanks for sharing this and all your other posts. I may not consider myself an alcoholic, but I am always on the lookout for reminders to stay in control based on my father’s history with alcohol.

    | February 23, 2011 @ 4:51 am

  7. Cathy | Treatment Talk said,

    Enjoyed your post. What I liked about it, is that you demonstrated that women can hide their drinking easily, that you can stop for several days or if there is something you need to stop for, like a pregnancy and still be addicted. I’m looking at from the other side, being the mom, but addiction affects of all and I appreciate your candor.
    Cathy | Treatment Talk´s last blog post ..What are the Recent Drug Trends that Could be Enticing Your Child

    | February 23, 2011 @ 5:38 pm

  8. clara@soberinsweats said,

    “Soon I would drink earlier and earlier and by the time my husband was home, I was just mad at him for everything.”

    That really hit the nail on the head for me. I relate to much of your story. I am so very proud of you and your 127 days. It continues to get better and better, I promise.

    All my best to you and congratulations on your pregnancy!
    clara@soberinsweats´s last blog post ..Monday Meeting

    | February 24, 2011 @ 4:23 pm

  9. muskrat said,

    Glad to see a happy ending here!

    I wish I could type that without thinking of a massage parlor, though.
    muskrat´s last blog post ..thief

    | February 25, 2011 @ 1:56 am

  10. Bridgette Gallagher said,

    So great, and so much in common with me here! I wrote a DGDF a couple months back about my struggle and it’s paramount after my son’s birth. I am also pregnant again and continuously struggle with whether I can deem this time a “sober” time since I am not really struggling with wanting to drink or not. It’s feels almost like a cheat for me. So I guess I have decided that these months don’t count as sober months, they are just months I did not drink alcohol. But the date I took my last drink will stay the same.

    Best part? I found out I was pregnant on my six month anniversary of being sober. Best day ever.

    Thank you for sharing your story. It was beautiful and really reminded me why I made my own decision. We need each other for these reminders, I think.

    | February 25, 2011 @ 4:30 am

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