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Dear Charlie: Part Deux

Chaaarlieeee! It’s me, fellow mom of twins Stefanie Wilder-Taylor. Whaddup? I think it’s time we have another little chatski. You may remember that I wrote to you right after the hullabaloo regarding you and that prostitute. Let me be a lot more specific: right after you got 86′d from a hotel for trashing your room on a cocaine binge. Sorry, let me narrow it down a tiny bit more: It was the Oct. 25th night you were found naked and hammered in your room after trying to strangle Capri Anderson for stealing your cell phone or as you probably refer to it, Saturday.

Anyhoo, I know you’re probably getting a lot of shit about your latest exploits involving three porn stars and many shots of Grey Goose vodka at the Palm Casino. I just want to lend some support seeing as how we are both in the unique situation of trying to parent toddler twins (Plus with five kids from three different relationships you are probably getting nagged on all sides). I’m the last person in the world to judge someone for wanting to blow off steam when we’re stressed out (which, with twins is a lot! Am I right? Can I get a whoop whoop?). I myself have been known to splurge at Burke Williams on a facial with a paraffin dip (funny side note: I don’t like full on massages. It’s a weird thing with me, I just don’t want to pay a stranger to touch me all over my body. I guess that’s where the similarities between you and me end).

So look, when the kids are whiny and I lose a couple of Twitter followers for no reason I can figure out, I sometimes spend a little money I don’t have on a special spa day. When you get overwhelmed you screw three hooker/pornstars at the AVN awards. I just think people need to get off your back about this. You have it rough. You work on a sitcom a few afternoons a week! Plus you have partial custody of a few of your kids! Who can blame you for wanting to get a little crazy once in awhile?

I know that you had to ditch your sober coach. Well duh! You were at the Oscars for porn! What are you supposed to do at the AVNs? Drink Sleepy Time tea? Come on. Obviously they don’t understand. Did you explain to them that Bree Olson won best anal scene in 2008? What did they expect? You didn’t get where you are in life by letting opportunity like that pass you by.

You, my friend, are in Two and a Half Men despite the fact that you didn’t show up for work on Monday. As of right now you are a sitcom star. Not only that but you starred in Hot Shots! So yeah, the stars of Big Wet Asses 15 are going to want to get with you and anyone who has an issue with that is probably jealous.

My point is, I’m here for you Personally I can’t drink anymore because in real life you end up facing consequence for that stuff but you are different, special. Well, you and Lindsay Lohan. But I do want you to go back to work because Two and a Half Men needs you.

Stefanie

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 13, 2011 1:51 amUncategorized13 comments  

13 Comments

  1. rebecca said,

    Ohhh Wouldn’t Lindsay and Charlie make a smoking troubling couple? The scandal! I’d totally buy any magazine with them on the cover if Lindsay Lohan and Charlie Sheen get together.
    rebecca´s last blog post ..The Leather Briefcase

    | January 13, 2011 @ 2:41 am

  2. Robin O'Bryant said,

    Love it. And losing twitter followers ruins my day. My life actually, for several hours. WHAT DID I DO????? Gah. Charlie needs Dr Drew to put the smack down on him. Preferably on the next season of Celebrity Rehab so I can watch.

    | January 13, 2011 @ 2:44 am

  3. little t from the north pole (Canada) said,

    I love your open letters to Charlie Sheen… this should possibly become a weekly tribute to him, you know on a tuesday or wednesday. You would need enough time to get all those tabloids in order ;o

    | January 13, 2011 @ 1:29 pm

  4. Kir said,

    I hope he reads them….when he’s not screwing a hooker or drinking enough Grey Goose, to kill a whole flock of them. LOL

    I love ya Lady!!!!! like “for reals” ;)
    Kir´s last blog post ..1- 2- 3

    | January 13, 2011 @ 6:49 pm

  5. Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up) said,

    I loved that letter to Charlie…no doubt he will think you admire him though. All those poor little, screwed up stars. Such a pity. Thank god they have you caring about them…ya know?
    Lynn MacDonald (All Fooked Up)´s last blog post ..In which i discuss stairstep friendships

    | January 13, 2011 @ 8:10 pm

  6. Erin@MommyontheSpot said,

    I think you should have a guest spot on Celebrity Rehab and read your letters to the group. I think you, Shelley, and Bob would make a kick-ass team. I think your humor would do wonders in diffusing some of the anger problems. Seriously, how could Frankie get all mad and standing up on tables screaming about her wigs if you read one of your open letters. Just a thought . . .

    | January 13, 2011 @ 11:22 pm

  7. Laurie said,

    Take care. I find that passing judgments on others usually indicates my recovery is slipping and I losing Spiritual ground.

    | January 14, 2011 @ 3:04 pm

    • mollyell50 said,

      Passing judgments on others is the basis of comedy.

      | January 14, 2011 @ 3:30 pm

      • Katy said,

        Totally. And moreover there’s a little bit of “There but for the Grace of God go I” (well, not *exactly* there, Stefanie, but you know what I’m saying) which is also a critical part of recovery, wouldn’t you say?

        | January 14, 2011 @ 5:26 pm

      • Laurie said,

        What’s funny about a human being losing their battle againist addiction? Is there a HaHa or LOL watching a person descend into Hell.

        | January 14, 2011 @ 9:25 pm

  8. Kat said,

    Geeze Laurie, you doth protest too much. May I suggest you find another blog to enjoy. There are many who take themselves quite seriously.

    | January 14, 2011 @ 11:35 pm

  9. Sheila said,

    Brilliant! I love how this dude continues to get rewarded for his insane behavior. Sheesh…

    It’s comedy peeps — lighten up…
    Sheila´s last blog post ..Seahawks vs Bears

    | January 16, 2011 @ 3:24 pm

  10. Lisa H. said,

    Sweet post. I’d like to see a DGDTC (Don’t Get Drunk Tuesday, Charlie), but I know you’re busy enough. To be fair, you can do a DGD[whatever day is convenient for you]L (Don’t Get Drunk [x-day], Lisa. I’d be okay with that too.

    As for the judging, I felt a lot of love in your letter. Sick, crazy, fellow-alkie love, but that’s what we’re good at, right?

    | January 18, 2011 @ 3:34 am

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