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Open Letter To Charlie Sheen

Hi Charlie,

How’s it going? Dumb question right? Obviously, it’s going fine since you are back in production on Two and a Half Men and Little Lady. You didn’t miss a beat even after your crazy lost weekend.

As one parent of twins to another, I have a confession to make: I’m a little jealous. Here’s the thing: Since I had my girls (and another kid on top of that) I never get to take a vacation, let alone a wild romp in NYC where I stay up all night doing lines of coke off a high paid escort’s ass in a hotel bathroom. First off, how did you find a sitter?

I’ve heard you can arrange for one through the concierge but even if the hotel did get you someone, doesn’t it get expensive after say four a.m.? Are they in double overtime? Did you keep your phone on the whole time in case one of the twins woke up and the sitter needed to get a hold of you? I know my Blackberry’s at least on vibrate even if I’m just going out to sushi for an hour. Please, Charlie, share your secrets!

I suppose money isn’t an object especially when you can afford not just a random hooker but someone with actual porn on their resume. Personally, I’d never heard of your call girl, Capri Anderson, because I don’t watch much porn these days. Not because I’m morally opposed to it or anything like that. I’m just tired! After a long day of waking at the crack of dawn ( hope the word “crack” wasn’t a trigger :) ), making three kids’ lunches, arguing over what they’re all going to wear (just this morning my twin Matilda was demanding to wear a swim suit to school even though it was 57 degrees outside -so frustrating!! LOL) driving to two different schools, laundry, trying to figure out why my dishwasher is leaving my dishes dirty and has gross scum around the bottom of it, arguing with the unemployment office etc., about the last thing I feel like doing is popping in a porno. Sorry but it’s true!

Honestly, I just don’t know where you get your energy! I mean, besides the cocaine. Do you drink vitamin waters? Workout? I try to get to the gym as often as I can but half the time something comes up. For instance, the last few weeks I’d been chairing the raffle committee for my daughter’s school and it was exhausting. I barely had time to shower. But you, my friend, are overextended. Movies, TV, assaulting your wife, violating parole, trashing hotel rooms, attacking a prostitute because you thought she stole your wallet and cell phone! It’s no wonder you ended up hospitalized on a seventy-two hour psych hold- you’re trying to do way too much! You need to delegate, mister! That’s what assistants are for!

A lot of people don’t understand how hard it is to raise twins and also try to maintain your identity. But I do. Boy do I. I could write a book. You and me, we’re in a special club. We get each other. The twins thing is a tough gig and we all need to blow off steam now and again.

So here’s hoping the judge is a parent of twins too! But if not, and you get sent to the pokey, try to take some time out for you. Just some Charlie time. Write a novel, lift some weights or just get some reading and smoking in. You’ve earned it.

Sincerely,

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor

P.S. Are you giving your twins one birthday party or two? I can’t decide!!

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on November 3, 2010 12:27 amUncategorized29 comments  

29 Comments

  1. Sage said,

    So funny! But I thought it was his watch that went missing?

    | November 3, 2010 @ 12:59 am

  2. rebecca said,

    I vote for two birthday parties…..One party is for family only and the other party is for friends only. Whichever twin is most social gets the ‘friend’ party…which they will both get presents but she gets to pick the theme, cake, etc. . .The twin that is most interested in hanging with family gets the family party planning…..again both will get presents and have fun and all…….
    rebecca´s last blog post ..Dear Resotration Hardware

    | November 3, 2010 @ 1:17 am

  3. Jae said,

    totally laughing my butt off! as a mother to twins as well; well I just cannot fathom him! ;p
    Jae´s last blog post ..A Tribe Apart

    | November 3, 2010 @ 1:25 am

  4. Amanda said,

    the dishwasher problem is caused by hard water. there’s something you’re supposed to put in it once a month. we didn’t find out until ours died and the guy at lowes made out like it was our fault for not knowing about this special cleaner. anyway, i forgot what it’s called but you can buy it at lowes. . .or probably online somewhere. there’s also some stuff called lemshine you can get at target that works a little bit for awhile — not on the dishwasher parts but on the dishes themself, until you get the stuff that cleans the inside of the dishwasher. good luck.

    | November 3, 2010 @ 1:30 am

  5. amanda said,

    If you figure out the dishwasher thing lemme know! I have the same problem!

    | November 3, 2010 @ 1:48 am

  6. Mommy on the Spot said,

    Oh,to have his energy! I wonder if he’s been dancing to Just Dance Two for wii. I know that I feel a bit more energized after performing Proud Mary and Toxic. But not enough energy to say, destroy a hotel room and scare an escort into the bathroom.

    | November 3, 2010 @ 2:34 am

  7. Backpacking Dad said,

    I like Charlie Sheen except for when he tries to stab people.

    We all have our issues, though. Mine is blogging; his is cocaine and whores and stabbing.

    | November 3, 2010 @ 3:29 am

  8. Seeley said,

    Stefanie – you rock. Thank you so much for the laughs tonight!
    Seeley

    | November 3, 2010 @ 3:42 am

  9. JJ Keith said,

    “Honestly, I just don’t know where you get your energy! I mean, besides the cocaine. ”

    God I want to do your writing group if you’re still doing it when my newborn is old enough to let my boobs out of the house. Love this.

    And can you do one party with two cakes?

    | November 3, 2010 @ 3:44 am

  10. Lulu said,

    Hope that wasn’t a trigger! Bahahahahaha!

    On another note, the twins b-day parties! Having major crisis on that as well. So much so that I just cancelled the one we had booked because they went ape-shit when they realized PEOPLE WOULD ACTUALLY ATTEND THE PARTY. Whack jobs. Now 3 different small parties so as not to upset their fragile “I hate people” neuroses. The apple doesn’t fall far and all that crap. New dilemma: Do I do three Hello Kitty themes or mix it up? Maybe one Kailan where we all have to greet each other with Ni-Hao.
    Lulu´s last blog post ..Snippets

    | November 3, 2010 @ 3:55 am

    • Diana said,

      “Hope that wasn’t a trigger! Bahahahahaha!”

      I miss me some Lulu.

      | November 3, 2010 @ 5:19 am

  11. rita said,

    yay!!
    a good old celebrity bitching post!!
    you’re back!!

    | November 3, 2010 @ 4:41 am

  12. little t from the north pole (Canada) said,

    LOL
    Love the post and as rita Said
    You’re back!

    t

    | November 3, 2010 @ 12:00 pm

  13. Jenna said,

    So funny, and sadly true. Sometimes the idea of finding a sitter, paying for said sitter, buying somehing that was created this century to wear, and then having enough money to actually DO anything is so exhausting I need a nap rather than alone time.

    | November 3, 2010 @ 12:30 pm

  14. Amy said,

    Okay, even though I don’t follow celebrity news, I STILL laughed out loud reading this. Thanks, Stefanie, your humor always makes me smile!
    Amy´s last blog post ..Showers

    | November 3, 2010 @ 2:15 pm

  15. TheNextMartha said,

    When I think Charlie Sheen I think “I would NOT hit that” I mostly like my vagina in the form/shape/texture that it currently is. Shudder. Oh, and I can fix your dishwasher. There is a little drain at the bottom that is probably covered with some bullshit plastic piece that needs to be removed. Under that there is a screen filter with possibly other crud clogging it up. Take that (filter) out, wash it. You’re welcome. (Learned from a $75 plumber call)

    | November 3, 2010 @ 2:25 pm

  16. Wendi said,

    This is why Emilio now has to handle all charity auctions in their family.

    | November 3, 2010 @ 2:38 pm

  17. Kelly said,

    I think there may be a reason that his character on Two and a Half Men is called “Charlie,” is a drunk, and has a hooker problem…if it wasn’t close enough to his own reality he wouldn’t be able to do it.
    Kelly´s last blog post ..Here Kitty- Kitty- Kitty

    | November 3, 2010 @ 2:49 pm

  18. Tanya said,

    “besides the cocaine” This had me rolling. But not ROFL, I don’t do that.

    | November 3, 2010 @ 3:47 pm

    • Stefanie Wilder Taylor said,

      I’m trying to comment on your blog and it keeps demonically telling me there’s an error. Oh Google. Love your post about vicodin. I miss those little white friends. I miss the “I love everybody” feeling and the “My kids are fabulous” feeling but not the “HOW THE FUCK DO I GET MORE OF THESE LIFESAVERS?” feeling which always seemed to accompany them.

      Anyway, I love your blog! Highly recommended, people!

      | November 3, 2010 @ 7:49 pm

  19. Gamanda said,

    I think your question to him about if he left his phone on while he was with the lady of the night and his kids were with the sitter was answered by his actions. Hello! He freaked the eff out b/c he thought his prestigious date took his phone! What if his twins needed him and she was hiding his iPhone in her whoo-ha? I mean, we could all pray he left it on vibrate and her moans would alert him to the incoming call, but after snorting lines off someone’s ass, I’m not sure you can remember what your phone even looked like, let alone if it was on vibrate!
    Gamanda´s last blog post ..Obligatory seasonal post- Pumpkin Patch Edition

    | November 3, 2010 @ 5:15 pm

  20. kate said,

    My favorite part of that whole story was him yelling, calling the prositute a “whore”. A way with words, that guy.

    | November 3, 2010 @ 7:24 pm

  21. Help4NewMoms said,

    Hilarious. I want so much to root for the guy, but he makes it really hard. I mostly feel bad for Denise and Martin and probably Emelio, too.

    PS. I had the same dishwasher problem. The solution is to pour an entire bottle of white vinegar down the dishwasher drain and run an empty cycle. I swear it works.
    Help4NewMoms´s last blog post ..Great Mom Blog Posts This Week

    | November 3, 2010 @ 7:51 pm

  22. elizabeth- flourish in progress said,

    This shit made my knees buckle. I hit my head on the table while I was laughing. i will send you the bill.
    elizabeth- flourish in progress´s last blog post ..Monday Dare- obviously- i hate myself

    | November 3, 2010 @ 10:56 pm

  23. seekingclarav said,

    Oh my crap, that was funny.
    seekingclarav´s last blog post ..HADOUBLE LOWDOUBLE EN!

    | November 4, 2010 @ 4:40 am

  24. Kir said,

    seriously, “Spit my soda all over the keyboard” stuff.

    THANK YOU…as the mom of twins too….I cannot agree more…where does he find the time?????

    LOL
    Kir´s last blog post ..The Doctors will see you now

    | November 4, 2010 @ 4:10 pm

  25. JAS said,

    Just discovered your blog and am laughing and laughing. Love this post. Thanks for cracking (
    “hope that’s not a trigger”) me up!
    JAS´s last blog post ..Furry Beasts

    | November 7, 2010 @ 6:42 pm

  26. mouna a. said,

    love it! thanks for making me laugh

    | November 8, 2010 @ 9:59 pm

  27. Erin said,

    Hahahahahaha !!! I’m dying over here !! Thanks, that was great, I needed the laugh today !
    Erin´s last blog post ..Fall Back

    | November 9, 2010 @ 12:08 am

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