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Archive for August, 2010

I’m Tempted to Unzip My Daughter’s Face

So my husband may possibly be pissed off at me because due to an extremely frazzled nerves situation I may have voiced out loud my suspicion that Sadie may be a robot with no real feelings who is trying to systematically wear me down and take over this household, switching everything over to her specifications. The kid doesn’t want to sleep, eat or enjoy life unless she is completely calling the shots. When things don’t go her way she either screams at the top of her lungs or even worse: she snuggles up, lays her head on my shoulder and says, “I love you, mama,” until I give in and then she promptly hops off my lap and does a victory dance not to return until there’s something else she wants. Jon believes that I am being unfair and letting my stress cloud my judgment and he’s maybe a teeny bit worried that I might start playing favorites toward the other two children who are not quite possibly trying to kill me. I have no idea where he gets that idea.

I gave Jon my reasons for suspecting her as a robot and he tried to say she’s just “willful.” Oh and then he also said that maybe Sadie is sort of like a cat -and I think he meant that in a good way even though we’re not cat people -I think he meant it in the way that people who are cat people describe their cats. Personally, I think Jon is naïve and will be the last to know when Sadie and the rest of her kind have taken over our planet leaving us as alien servants who must supply milk, juice, Happy Meal toys (NOT THE FOOD JUST THE TOY!), endless episodes of Dora and princess dresses whenever they demand. Jon is going to be like the guy who falls in love with the pretty alien on V until one day she rips her face off revealing her true terrifying identity and I won’t be able to save him because I’ll be dead already for daring to voice my suspicions! Jon will be horrified when he realizes that my “accident” was no accident and that he is the next victim. Holy shit! I just Wiki’d “V” and it describes the “visitors” as a technologically advanced alien species which ostensibly comes in peace, but actually has sinister motives. Sadie! You are so busted!

Listen, you may all think I’ve lost my mind and maybe I have but you’ll have to forgive me because I have had NO SLEEP, my sustenance is down to picking at a piece of El Pollo Loco chicken left over from yesterday afternoon and a corn tortilla. I don’t even like corn tortillas. I like flour tortillas. And I’m so overwrought I could seriously cry over this whole corn instead of flour tortilla fiasco. It’s that bad.

The twins are potty training and is it me or do babies get all crazy when they hit a new developmental milestone? Do they all lose interest in sleeping, eating and generally having a mellow moment? Because I know you’re not supposed to go backward (I long to stick them back in a pull-up –and they are actually doing really well at it –but me no likey the new personalities that are emerging. HELP. It’s times like these that I miss and romanticize Xanax like an old lover. Xanax, can we get back together? I didn’t mean all the nasty things I said about you on my blog.

Okay, I know that this phase will pass -it has to. I just hope I live to tell tales from the other side of it.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on August 11, 2010 4:54 pmUncategorized18 comments  

You Might Be a Mom If…

Sure this is probably a hack premise but you know me, I’ll probably throw in some swear words.

You might be a mom if…

you think a banana clip is a perfectly acceptable antidote to a bad hair day.
you’ve ever fantasized about taking a hit out on one of the Wonder Pets.
your underwear is the same pair you had on yesterday.
you own a pair of “special occasion” flip flops.
you’ve ever purchased sunscreen with an SPF higher than 50.
you could never imagine traveling somewhere with your kids that doesn’t have a microwave.
your kid pees on the floor and you don’t clean it up right away.
you’ve woken up at 7:45 a.m. and thought “aah, it feels so good to sleep in!”
your idea of date night is dinner OR a movie.
You couldn’t finish reading this list because you had to Google “magic fucking markers” “hardwood floors.”
you suspect anyone who stays up past 11:00 at night of doing cocaine.
you know that Mr. Clean Magic Erasers will get permanent marker out of hardwood floors.

Feel free to add your own to my comments or not. I’m not going to tell you what to do.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on August 10, 2010 12:13 amUncategorized46 comments  

Don’t Get Drunk Friday: A Poem

This is a poem by Mary Oliver that a reader turned me on to. I think it’s beautiful and sums up the feelings of many of us. Next week I will post a new story.

The Journey:

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice —
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
“Mend my life!”
each voice cried.
But you didn’t stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do —
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Pretty cool, huh? Feel free to leave your favorite song or poem or book that’s helped you through rough early sobriety. One of mine is the Tracy Chapman song, Change. I also love the book Drinking: A Love story by Carolyn Knapp.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on August 6, 2010 6:52 pmDon't Get Drunk Friday10 comments  

Help! My Twins are Trying to Kill Me

My twins are driving me insane. Does anyone out there have twins? Does anyone know someone who has twins? Are those twins two-year-olds? Are those twins crazy? If yes, do you want to be friends? And if you know some twins that are angelic, do you have any tips or medications I could have?

My girls are seriously high maintenance lunatics and I’m not exaggerating when I say that almost every single day is a challenge that makes me question why I decided having kids was a step in the right direction in life. One minute they’re sweet, easy going and funny but thirty seconds later they can turn into feral cats, scratching and pawing and shrieking FOR NO APPARENT REASON. With some kids you can pinpoint the reason for a tantrum; they don’t want “those shoes” or “I don’t like yellow cheese!” But with my girls, it could be those types of reasons or no reason at all. They just kind of feel like having a scream. Which leads me to feeling like setting my hair on fire just for the distraction.

I am unsure what the problem is besides maybe the whole THEY’RE TWO area of the situation. Elby was never a huge problem at this age. I was overwhelmed and stressed and complained constantly when she was little –which was up about 20% from my normal pre-baby level of whining –but the issue was more me than Elby. In retrospect, Elby was so good natured it’s a waste that I didn’t appreciate how good I had it. Elby got her “big girl bed” at about this time which was perfect. She helped pick it out at IKEA, got super excited watching us set it up and then fell asleep in it like a little angel the very first night. From then on, she stayed put as if there were an invisible fence surrounding her bed. In fact, sometimes it was frustrating because if she needed us, she’d just call loudly, “Mommy! Daddy!” and we’d be thinking, why doesn’t she just get up?

The twins are nowhere near getting out of their cribs -not by a long shot. They can’t be trusted.

I get tense around an hour before they go down just knowing how ballistic they will go once stories are read, milk is consumed, music is picked and put on and the lights go down. If they weren’t stuck in their little wooden jails they would never in a zillion years stay in bed. But seriously, how long can we keep them there? It’s going to be weird soon. My pediatrician said that based on how they’re acting it will be six-months at least until they should have beds. UUUUGH.

Matilda is now having “fits.” She just gets in these moods where nothing and I mean nothing makes her happy. She cries, whines, throws herself on the floor and pouts and there doesn’t seem to be any calming her. I even bought these “calming” pills by Hylands (you know the company that make the fake teething pills that don’t work?) because I was desperate. I don’t care if the damn things are based on voo doo magic, I don’t care if they are actually Benadryl mixed with puppy tranquilizers and they are just marketed as homeopathic, I want some peace and quiet.

Elby didn’t go through the terrible two’s. She didn’t go through the “fucking threes” as I’ve heard them called either. Do you guys think that if my twins are in the terrible twos that we will be spared the fucking threes or are we screwed?

It’s not like I don’t know plenty about parenting. I know to try and wear them out in the morning so they’ll nap which they only actually do about half the time. The other half the time they shriek like chimps in their crib for an hour systematically throwing everything out of their cribs until there is nothing left but their clothes which they then remove (including diapers) and toss. I’m surprised that they haven’t started stripping the crib of sheets at this point. When I walk into their rooms after their so-called naptime, it looks like a twister tore through the place.

I also make sure that there is some semblance of routine in their lives so that they know what to expect. It’s not like every day is so different that it’s throwing them off their game. Sure, sometimes we go to CVS instead of Target. Sometimes we play in the backyard on the Slip N’ Slide instead of hitting the park. But things are consistent in their lives. The bedtime routine is on lock, the same person helps me watch them during day. It’s not like one day Liz is their nanny and the next day Dennis Rodman is on baby patrol. I can’t make life anymore stable for these freaks. What do I have to do?

And, ahem, don’t even get me started on the nightmare that is (isn’t) potty training.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on August 3, 2010 10:32 pmUncategorized50 comments  


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