Spoiler Alert: I don’t own this bag
but, fuck, I want to. And I’m mad that I want it because I’m not the kind of girl who normally gives a wit about shoes or a bag. In fact, I don’t usually even call it a bag, I call it a purse -you know, like people in the late 1900’s did before Sex And the City came along and made me feel like a loser for using that word. I currently carry around a bright pink Jessica Simpson purse that I purchased at TJMaxx for under forty bucks. Under forty bucks I feel is just the right price for something that is essentially in charge of bussing your wallet and keys from point A to point D with a few stops at point B and possibly C. Do I have a bunch more stuff in my purse besides wallet and keys? Yes but I don’t know if I really need it or if because I have a big purse I just shove stuff in because -why not? It’s sort of like if you have a lot of cabinets in your house, chances are they will all be full of crap that you don’t need to throw out because you have the space for it. II happen to have a glass multi-level cake plate that I will never in a million years put together let alone use but yet it sits there in my kitchen cabinet because I have the space. Nature abhorrs a vacuum (and I abhorr vacuuming but that’s another story).
So my new bag obsession started innocently enough: my nanny, Liz has a Dooney & Bourke purse in a giraffe design and I’ve always thought it was pretty cute even though when I found out how much she paid for it I almost coughed up a hairball. “WHY WOULD ANYONE SPEND THAT KIND OF CAKE ON A PURSE?” I screamed in my head. There are just so many more important things to spend my money on…like my nanny’s salary for one. And I have my pink purse already. I’m quite content with my pink purse. Yes, the fact that it’s a Jessica Simpson is goofy and when I saw it I thought, “no way can I buy a Jessica Simpson purse because that’s ridiculous.” But then I thought, “I must buy the Jessica Simpson purse because of the mere fact of its ridiculousnessness! The more ridiculousness we can bring into the world the better and if Jessica and Joe Simpson make money off of my need for ridiculousnesses that’s just the price I pay.” Plus, I make up a little story in my head that I’m secretly being ironic. I know I’m self absorbed. Whatever.
The thing is that I was just fine the way I was until Dooney & Bourke and it’s funkiness was brought to my attention. And so I started fishing around on eBay for the giraffe satchel until I found one and then I secretly coveted it until want got the best of me and I even bid on the bag. I bid and got sucked in to the bidding until I was sitting at my computer sweating and breathing heavy with two minutes to go in the auction. There were like 18 bidders for the damn PRE-OWNED purse! I went up way over what I think the purse is worth because was swept away in sheer want, need for something that I was sure would make my life better. Fortunately or unfortunately I was in over my head because these bitches were like Beverly Hills ladies fighting over a sale rack at Neiman Marcus. We were having a virtual tug o’war and in the end I let go of the rope. Somehow I came to my senses and realized that I didn’t need it, just the mere want of it was serving as a distraction to my recent existance with two shrieking children (they are shrieking as I write this). I thought it would bring me solace. But I never bought it and I felt better, that is until I saw that damn leopard purse. Now I’m screwed.