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Archive for May, 2010

Who Are We Doing This For??

Having children changes you. There is no getting around it. Before I had three children there were at least a dozen times a month that my living room was clean. Not clean, clean. You couldn’t eat off my coffee table without a placemat but at least we had a workable coffee table. Now what we have is a “coloring book, empty straw cup, Happy Meal toy, markers and dirty pretzel holding area.” It’s embarrassing. And it’s not getting better like I thought it would. When the twins were infants and Elby was three I kept telling myself and anyone who saw the inside of my house, “Oh, sorry it’s a pig sty but we have all this baby crap and where do you put it? It will get much better in a year or so. Ha ha ha.” Yeah, ha ha ha. It didn’t. At that time my living room was an ocean of Desitin tubes, baby bottles, breast pump paraphanalia, baby food jars, diapers, exersaucers, bouncy seats, empty Xanax bottles…you know the drill. Now it’s just as bad but with different crap!

Before I had kids, although I was never neat to begin with, at least the producers of Hoarders wouldn’t have salivated at my living conditions. Now I’m afraid that the Chinese food delivery guy is judging the state of my house.

And the inside of my minivan? Oh lord. I swore I wouldn’t be that lady with the half empty ice melted Diet Coke in my cupholder, random art projects all over the floor, Goldfish crackers in the glove compartment and unrecognizable food remnants in the folds of the baby seats. But here I am.

So why do I do it? Why did I let my life turn into a circus? Why have I come to terms with the fact that I will only be able to brush my teeth every so often? And why do I fight the good fight to stay clean, sober and present? I can think of three good reasons.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on May 5, 2010 11:09 pmUncategorized30 comments  

Everything I Learned is From Watching Reality TV

Okay not everything. But a lot of really important things: Never show up for an interview and say “I’m tired.” When Brett Michaels media trained the dweeby country music singer on Celebrity Apprentice a few episodes ago, he gave him this important bit of advice. If only I could follow it. Last night the twins took turns waking up and screaming for no apparent reason. It started before I went to bed with Sadie yelling, “I want milk. I wanna come out! Waaaahhhh!” Jon and I were attempting to watch something from out DVR, I’ve sat here and attempted to recall what it was but I’M SO TIRED that my brain just keeps resetting to the thought, “I need cookies. I need to drive to the store to buy cookies. I’m too tired to drive. But I need cookies. Cookies. Yum. Also, pudding.” Sadly, Brett Michaels had a brain hemmorage and when people ask him how’s he’s doing he probably says, “Never better, my friend.” Yet, I open with “I’m tired.” I suck. And I’m boring. And my brain isn’t even bleeding.

Okay, I asked Jon what we were watching and it turns out we were watching RHNJ, and while we’re on the topic of those mobbed up messes, Danielle’s cheeks look like someone took an ice cream scooper to the fat in her face. If anyone else is contemplating this, it’s not a good look. How does anyone’s face get that thin? Did she go on a face diet? Did she attempt to spot tone her chin? Stop it. I think the takeaway from the New Jersey premier is this: If you plan an evening of stalking your ex-friends, don’t drag your kids with you. It will compromise their future MENTAL HEALTH. “Should I go by Caroline’s house? I want to see what she’s up to.” “No mom. Please don’t. Please go home. She doesn’t want you there.” “But I just want to do a drive by.” “Please mom, no.” I could cry just thinking about her children’s psychiatrist bills.

What was I even talking about in the first place? I think it was the twins waking up last night. After we got Sadie to go back to sleep, I went to bed because I had to get up really early this morning. Matilda was having none of sleeping through the night though and took a turn yelling random shit out so loudly that it was either go get her or have her wake up the other two. After a stint with Mattie, Sadie got back up. You know what? I lost track but suffice it to say I am barely conscious right now. And now that crack is completely off the table, I don’t know how I’m going to make it through bedtime again.

One more thing about Celebrity Apprentice: Isn’t Summer irritating? I know she won the Olympics or whatever but she seems like she was a total Heather in high school. Sharon Osbourne is my new hero. I want to hang out with her, wear a lot of black drapey fabric and talk shit about models.

I need a nap and a cookie.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on May 4, 2010 7:43 pmUncategorized9 comments  


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