Okay not everything. But a lot of really important things: Never show up for an interview and say “I’m tired.” When Brett Michaels media trained the dweeby country music singer on Celebrity Apprentice a few episodes ago, he gave him this important bit of advice. If only I could follow it. Last night the twins took turns waking up and screaming for no apparent reason. It started before I went to bed with Sadie yelling, “I want milk. I wanna come out! Waaaahhhh!” Jon and I were attempting to watch something from out DVR, I’ve sat here and attempted to recall what it was but I’M SO TIRED that my brain just keeps resetting to the thought, “I need cookies. I need to drive to the store to buy cookies. I’m too tired to drive. But I need cookies. Cookies. Yum. Also, pudding.” Sadly, Brett Michaels had a brain hemmorage and when people ask him how’s he’s doing he probably says, “Never better, my friend.” Yet, I open with “I’m tired.” I suck. And I’m boring. And my brain isn’t even bleeding.
Okay, I asked Jon what we were watching and it turns out we were watching RHNJ, and while we’re on the topic of those mobbed up messes, Danielle’s cheeks look like someone took an ice cream scooper to the fat in her face. If anyone else is contemplating this, it’s not a good look. How does anyone’s face get that thin? Did she go on a face diet? Did she attempt to spot tone her chin? Stop it. I think the takeaway from the New Jersey premier is this: If you plan an evening of stalking your ex-friends, don’t drag your kids with you. It will compromise their future MENTAL HEALTH. “Should I go by Caroline’s house? I want to see what she’s up to.” “No mom. Please don’t. Please go home. She doesn’t want you there.” “But I just want to do a drive by.” “Please mom, no.” I could cry just thinking about her children’s psychiatrist bills.
What was I even talking about in the first place? I think it was the twins waking up last night. After we got Sadie to go back to sleep, I went to bed because I had to get up really early this morning. Matilda was having none of sleeping through the night though and took a turn yelling random shit out so loudly that it was either go get her or have her wake up the other two. After a stint with Mattie, Sadie got back up. You know what? I lost track but suffice it to say I am barely conscious right now. And now that crack is completely off the table, I don’t know how I’m going to make it through bedtime again.
One more thing about Celebrity Apprentice: Isn’t Summer irritating? I know she won the Olympics or whatever but she seems like she was a total Heather in high school. Sharon Osbourne is my new hero. I want to hang out with her, wear a lot of black drapey fabric and talk shit about models.
I need a nap and a cookie.