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Don’t Get Drunk Fridays: Corinne

Today’s post comes from Corinne at Trains, Tutus and Tea Time. I absolutely love her writing and her message speaks to every woman with a problem. She is you. You are us. But we can do this together.

“For years I felt the eyes. Everywhere.

I felt them questioning how much and how many. I felt them watch as I picked drunken fights with my husband. I felt them stare as I bought gigantic bottles of wine for one. I felt them linger as I slept away weekends in booze induced comas. I felt them on me as I chose the bottle over being present at night for my kids. I felt them burn into me as I took an escape route. I always felt eyes on me while I drank. Or thought about drinking. As I poured my glass that never became empty. As I became sneaky and defiant. I felt eyes on me through my addiction.

My addiction told me it was enough. That I was not, and it was everything I had. It told me I was weak and needed an escape, that my life was crap and I couldn’t handle it. So I took the escape, I took the glass as many nights as I could, using any excuse that I could. Red wine helped my migraines, the kids were driving me insane, I’d had a long day. I deserved my wine. It was all that I had.

So I’d sit with my third glass of wine as my husband came out of the kids bedroom from putting them down for the night. Many nights. We made a point of him being the bedtime guy, so that I could have a break.

So that I could drink.

So that I could check out from my family. My life.

I would hear the click of the kids bedroom door, and wait for him to come out. I’d listen to the sound of our living room clock, and try to squeeze myself into the silence that was between the tick and the tock. I tried to disappear, and then maybe – just maybe – he wouldn’t see my glass. He wouldn’t see how far gone the wine bottle was, or that there was a second waiting to be opened. I avoided my husbands eyes as he would walk through the living room. Otherwise, I might owe him an explanation.

I always felt I owed everyone when I drank. I was a yes drinker. Yes to more, yes to crazy plans, yes to favors and yes to people walking over me. Yes to guilt ridden hungover mornings and days with no patience for my children. Yes to the addiction and isolation.

No to me.

By the end I couldn’t decipher myself from my addiction. We were one, close knit and the best of friends. But those eyes kept coming back, and I could never feel total peace, could never be alone with myself without feeling like I needed something more than me. And I was lonely when I was playing with my kids or having a quiet night with my husband. Whenever that glass was empty, I was lonely.

And then I was lonely with the glass. Because I’d be the last one drinking. The only one drinking, or the only one pouring. It was me and the bottle, and those eyes of shame.

Ending my relationship with alcohol has been the hardest thing I’ve ever done. The first week I felt ill, not from withdrawal symptoms, but from the feelings of guilt, shame, and fear that overwhelmed me. Sick from flashbacks and memories of every time I picked up a drink. Sick from realizations of where drinking took me, the dark places that could have been avoided, the pain that I inflicted on myself and others.

The hardest part has been figuring out how to listen to myself and not the addiction. Because the voice of addiction still lies within me. Today I’m on day 44 of my sobriety, but without constant vigilance I could slip. Sobriety is not something I will ever take for granted. Now I pray a lot. I read a lot. I drink a lot more water and hot tea than I used to. But I can also be alone with my thoughts. I can look at my kids and get teary not because I miss my wine, but because I’m here to witness their beauty. To be in the moment with them.

Now, I know I’m enough. And the eyes?

The eyes smile down on me with love and patience.”

You can find a lot of us at the Booze Free Brigade offering support.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on May 14, 2010 3:57 pmDon't Get Drunk Friday16 comments  

16 Comments

  1. Ellie said,

    I adore you, Corinne. Stef’s right – I am you and you are me, and your beautiful, graceful words speak right to my heart.

    -Ellie
    .-= Ellie´s last blog ..WHOOSH =-.

    | May 14, 2010 @ 4:46 pm

  2. muskrat said,

    Hope days 45 and on go well…
    .-= muskrat´s last blog ..i’ve never been happier to be wrong =-.

    | May 14, 2010 @ 5:25 pm

  3. robin said,

    I love you, Corinne. Your bravery is the perfect thing to post on this website, and you are a great example for anyone out there who wants to or is trying to quit.

    | May 14, 2010 @ 6:50 pm

  4. seekingclarav said,

    “I can look at my kids and get teary not because I miss my wine, but because I’m here to witness their beauty. To be in the moment with them.” -that speaks directly into my heart, Corinne.

    I think you are amazing. I’m so happy to have found you and to have your support. And you have mine.

    xx clara
    .-= seekingclarav´s last blog ..Just working through more shit, outloud. =-.

    | May 14, 2010 @ 8:06 pm

  5. Corinne said,

    Thank you so much for having me here today Stefanie :) I’m proud to say that today I’m almost at 4 months of sobriety! This was written a while ago, and while I feel more peace, I also still have those same feelings.

    Thank you for your kind words :)
    .-= Corinne´s last blog ..{Five for Ten} Courage =-.

    | May 14, 2010 @ 8:48 pm

  6. STH said,

    Perfect and beautiful story for this Friday nite at 8pm!!!!! XOXO

    | May 14, 2010 @ 11:57 pm

  7. Contemporary Troubadour said,

    Tea for you, coffee for me, Corinne. In my case, it was and still is food that turns those eyes you speak of on me. I’m rooting for you.
    .-= Contemporary Troubadour´s last blog ..Hold, hope, repeat =-.

    | May 15, 2010 @ 12:21 am

  8. Elizabeth (@claritychaos) said,

    I’ll tell you over and over how proud I am of you, my friend. And you have an amazing ability to tell even dark and difficult stories with beauty.

    love to you, C.

    -e.

    | May 15, 2010 @ 1:21 am

  9. beyond said,

    i wish you all the best with the next 44 days, and the next, and then the next, and the next… and so on.

    | May 15, 2010 @ 3:46 am

  10. Val said,

    Absolutely beautiful. Continue to say yes to you.

    | May 15, 2010 @ 6:28 am

  11. Melissa said,

    Beautiful post Corinne. I am visiting from Corinne’s site, and I have to say that I am glad I did. I don’t have a problem with alcohol (in fact, I hate the taste of it and don’t drink). I do have a problem with food though, so I can understand and relate to many aspects of alcoholism. Being addicted to food might not be the same thing, but it is certainly an addiction. At least for me.
    .-= Melissa´s last blog ..random ramblings. =-.

    | May 15, 2010 @ 11:32 am

  12. CK said,

    Oh Corinne, thank you for sharing such honesty. Such raw emotion. I’m on the other side of addiction, coping with a family member who continues to struggle. Often I feel like a victim, helpless and angry. And it’s during those times that I know I need to have grace for him, and continue to love him. I know his problems aren’t about me, they’re about him. But it’s still hard. Thank you for the perspective. I needed it.

    | May 15, 2010 @ 1:28 pm

  13. Madeline said,

    Corrine, this is beautiful. You have such a way of writing with honesty and genuineness. It’s inspiring even for those of us not struggling with addiction but with other life stuff.
    .-= Madeline´s last blog ..Happy Two and a Half =-.

    | May 15, 2010 @ 7:06 pm

  14. Privilege of Parenting said,

    It’s great to see you here, Corine, healing and inspiring others as well. This is just the spirit of courage and authenticity that makes ours a better world and serves all of our kids.

    Namaste
    .-= Privilege of Parenting´s last blog ..That time when my dad was wrong =-.

    | May 16, 2010 @ 5:14 am

  15. Kir said,

    these stories never cease to amaze and humble me. Thank you for sharing !!!
    I wish you luck and love on your journey.
    I can tell that you have the inner strength to do it.

    | May 17, 2010 @ 2:45 pm

  16. Eddye said,

    Hey Stefanie,

    You seem like the kind of person who appreciates what it really means to be a mom. I was raised by a mom like you, and it made me who I am today.

    Check out my blog at http://www.alphabuyer.wordpress.com. It’s part of my involvement in the company alphabuyer, which aims to help moms everywhere get what they need to be “number one, world-changing moms” at the lowest possible prices.

    I hope you’ll check it out. Our site isn’t quite up, buy you can check out alphabuyer’s facebook page if you like. I hope you do.

    Thanks, and can’t wait to hear from you.
    Eddye (alphabuyer)

    | May 19, 2010 @ 12:40 pm

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