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Archive for March, 2010

The Post Where I Don’t Mention Drinking or Eating or My Kids (Okay, One Kid Mention)

So I think that Larry King Live or as I refer to it now, “My Chit Chat With Lar” is going to air tomorrow at 6 pm pst and not on Friday (but I could be wriong so don’t get all over the top angry at me if things don’t pan out exactly the way the CNN website has listed). I am but a small segment of the show approximately 45 min. in. That doesn’t make me less important, just less…chit chatty. If you are upset by how little I am on the show I suggest you call CNN directly and alert them of this huge miscarriage of justice -while you have them on the phone, tell them that I need my own show where I discuss important apolitical topics such as; Splenda: Friend or Foe? and Trader Joe’s: What’s With the Friendly Fucking Attitude? and David Sedaris: I Don’t Get You. Once CNN approaches me and makes their offer, we can discuss a percentage for you for hooking this up. Hey, if that’s not a reason to watch the show, I don’t know what is.

Also, did I mention that after the taping I tried to shake Lar’s hand and he offered up a fist bump instead? Yeah, he Howie Mandel’d me. I couldn’t believe it myself. It’s not like I had crack pipe residue on my fingers or like I’d just walked out of the ladies room and announced “Hoo boy, the sink doesn’t work.” Whatever. I’m not going to take it personally.

Tom Arnold was really nice. Mackenzie Phillips was also really nice. Dr. Drew seemed like a nice person and when I told him that Anna commented on my blog that he needs to get into Alanon, he laughed and said “touche” and then agreed that he really was too enmeshed with his clients. Also, I showed him a picture of my twins (he has triplets) and he announced that Sadie looked great and she was going to be “just fine.” From now on, I’d like all my medical diagnoses to be done that way. I’m just going to email over pictures of my kids to their pediatrician and then ask if they need antibiotics or just to ride it out. I’m also going to send my GP my headshot to see if he can intuit which headache I have; tension? sinus? or migraine?

Of course, I’m sure my medical bills will be just as high.

All in all? Good experience.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on March 10, 2010 11:49 pmUncategorized24 comments  

Just Promotin’

Ever wondered what I sound like on a podcast? Yeah, me neither. But if you’re one of those people that like to listen to people talk about movies on the Internet then you should check this out. I basically have a lot of opinions about movies like Up In the Air (remember how I spoiled it for everyone?) and Precious (Oprah and I need to have a talk about why this ultimately didn’t work) while I long for a few hours when I can rewatch I Love You, Man (Yeah, much better than The Hangover). So here are the links to my friend Chris Mancini and my friend Graham Elwood’s fabulous podcast. If you go to the message boards (the second link) and say who should play me in a movie and why (I didn’t make this contest up -I’m narcissistic but not THAT narcissistic…okay, I probably am but I didn’t make this up) I will pick three winner and send you a signed copy of It’s Not Me, It’s You.

Comedy Film Nerds http://www.comedyfilmnerds.com/ (Listen to the Podcast)

(The message boards, it’s under CONTESTS)

(Buy My Book Bitches – I mean, IF you don’t win)

Also, Larry King Live was fairly hilarious -why didn’t any of you warn me that Larry is crazy as a top hat? And it will be airing this Friday the 12th. I’ll tell you more about it when I’ve had some sleep because weekends with twins are killer.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on March 7, 2010 5:01 amUncategorized7 comments  

Don’t Get Drunk Fridays: Black Hockey Jesus’s Story

It’s no secret that I love me some Black Hockey Jesus. From the get go I was captivated by his whole vibe -he was doing something with his writing that I hadn’t seen before and I liked it. A lot. We started talking and I found out that he didn’t drink and Shazam! I knew what it was I liked about him so much. I’ve talked to him about a lot of stuff because he’s one of those people you just feel you can trust with your darkness. He’s been there and he understands. So, here you go. You’re welcome.

“The first time I got drunk was at Brian Brown’s house. I was 12. There were 6 of us, we played quarter bounce, and I remember hating the taste of beer. But I also remember the sensation of all the knots in my spine being slowly untied and liquid fingers massaging my brain. Oh fuck yeah. I just got the shivers. How you doing?

I drank too much, ate a Whopper & a bunch of fries, felt sick, found Tom Whitwam’s winter jacket on the floor and filled it with vomit. He was super pissed. Wouldn’t you be? Nasty. I stumbled to the bathroom and emptied the rest of my stomach. Yeah, there were onions. And then, when there was nothing left, I heaved and heaved, dryly, for 45 minutes. I don’t know how to spin this story for you. How to construe it as a “good time”.
But wobbling in front of the sink, I gazed at myself in the mirror. My eyes were wet and glassy and red and puffy. I looked somewhere between angry and arrogant. I leaned in close to my own reflection and slurred sincerely, devoutly, “You need to do this more often.” And I meant it.

*

I’m a magnet for people who want to know if they’re alcoholics. (And that’s cool. I’m not complaining.) The first thing I do is wave off all the talk about symptoms. I don’t care how much you drink, how often you drink, what you do when you drink, how much trouble you’ve been in, none of that shit. I shoot straight to page xxviii in the AA book. That’s where it says we only have ONE (1) symptom in common: “[we] cannot start drinking without developing the phenomenon of craving.” Nothing screws with people more than being able to drink one and walk away. Hell, I can drink one and walk away. But that’s not the issue. The issue is whether or not you deal with that bitchy little voice in your head, after you drink one, that keeps whining about more. That’s the symptom. If you have it, you’re fucked. But if you’ve got the guts to admit you’re fucked, there’s hope. Life’s crazy.

*

A lot of people in AA get all crazy about “how it works” and Steps and God or die die die. They’re frothy and smug and they try to boss you around with a bunch of emotional stories and stupid clichés. You can develop a lot of clout in AA just by being around a long time and it doesn’t even matter if you’re stupid. It might even help. However, these kinds of people are reasons in themselves to sit through AA meetings. They’re flipping hilarious. You can satisfy a lot of your cravings for reality television by sitting through AA meetings. But to be fair, seriously, that’s not the whole story.

I found all the coolest, greatest, best friends of my life in AA meetings. It’s an awesome place to meet freaks and weirdos. People like you. I grew up going to AA. And I’ve had all kinds of different ideas about God, the Steps, meetings, sponsors, prayer, the Big Book, service work, etc—and only ONE (1) thing has remained constant: I stay in touch with freaks and weirdos. Even when I didn’t know it, that’s where the Power was. You can call it whatever you want. Please do. I call it having friends who understand you and care about you and have your back with no strings attached.

*

The last time I got drunk, I was yanking on an orange power cord to see if it was strong enough to hang from in the garage. The stupid repair guy knocked on the door to fix our phone and it turned out to be Jerry, the stupid AA guy who worked for the phone company. I was at the end of a 3 year roll and slurred “I’m drunk, Jerry. So what’s next motherfucker?” He smiled his big stupid smile with his big stupid moustache and said “You tell me, brother.”

Jerry talked to me the rest of the morning and all afternoon on the steps in front of my house. I have no idea what we talked about. But I do know he was supposed to be fixing telephones and he spent the day on some steps with a slurry drunk.

The seasoned AA vet will chime in here with Jerry’s need to “give it away to keep it”, but I think we run the risk of losing some valuable insights when we rush to smother everything that happens with clichés. It’s true, no doubt. But I need to emphasize that it wasn’t absolutely necessary for Jerry to talk to me that day in order for him to stay sober. In fact, some people have “policies” about not talking to people when they’re drunk. Anyway, Jerry didn’t have to talk to me.

But he did. And that. That’s where the whole deal’s at.”

As always, if you want what we have come on over to the Booze Free Brigade. We’re here to help.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on March 5, 2010 5:17 pmDon't Get Drunk Friday52 comments  

Ex Alkie Mommy Who Used to Be Known For Writing Funny Funny Books: The Stefanie Wilder-Taylor Story

So today I’m driving my minivan in to Hollywood to tape Larry King Live -although don’t run to your TiVo because it’s not actually live, it’s being taped for an upcoming Friday (possibly this Friday). Naturally it’s about drinking or not drinking as the case may be because I’m the go-to blabber mouth ex-wine swilling mom who kind of had a career as an author that wrote about drinking being a fantastically good old time to be shared with other wino mommies. Or so people thought. In actuality, I wrote a lot of jokes about drinking and made funny references to celebrities who liked their substances a little too much. It was on the Today Show that I got my rep as a defender of the wine playdate. Which, by the way, was blown out of proportion because I was always saying that there is nothing wrong with getting together with your friends and having a glass of wine to relax. I never said to have a bottle of wine then smoke a joint then go into your host’s bathroom, rifle through their medicine chest to see if you can find some left over Vicodin from the root canal they had last spring and maybe swig a few shots of their kid’s cough medicine with codeine while flushing the toilet over and over to cover the noise. So, if you ever did that, don’t blame me. Do as I say not as I do.

Drinking was cool for me and it worked to lessen the anxiety I felt as a new mom. It also helped bond me with other moms who still enjoyed an adult pastime like having a glass of wine. It worked until it stopped working and became a problem. I’ve talked that to death. But the thing is, it’s interesting to people that I seem to have no fear chatting about my decision as if I just got a shitty haircut and felt the need to permanently change hairdressers -which is dramatic, don’t get me wrong.

What I’m finding out is that a whole lot of women out there have a problem with alcohol and these women are not homeless, gutter drunks or slurry abusive moms swilling vanilla extract and mouth wash when they run out of Bushmills. Many of us problem drinking moms simply have too much wine, at night, by ourselves or with our husbands, while our children are asleep and out of harm’s way. But we know inside that the wine stopped helping and is now hurting and we can’t seem to moderate or quit and we don’t like where it’s headed. We need help and we need to hear from another mom who gets it. So when I’m asked to be on a show, I usually say yes.

My husband, Jon, is not psyched that I’m going to be on Larry King. He feels that I’m losing my identity as anything other than “That Mom Who Used To Drink Too Much.” He may be right. But, Tom Arnold is going to be there. And Dr. Drew! And I have some questions for Dr. Drew! Like what’s with the pout? Does he practice that in the mirror? Does he place his chin just so on top of his fist while he practices? Does his wife give him shit about it? Has he ever wanted to haul off and punch Kari Ann in the spleen? Does he really think the chick on Celebrity Rehab that was on the past season of America’s Next Top Model should have been a constestant on that show? If so, does he think I could be? And if not, is it because I’m fat? Does he really think I’m fat? Or does he think I should be the next Bachelorette? Also, just how unfamous can you be to be approved by him for Celebrity Rehab? These are things I need to get to the bottom of.

I suppose there are worse things to do with yourself when you quit drinking than spreading the word that it is possible to quit right? I figure that I can be a funny mom/writer and a humorous ex-drinker at the same time. I’m a woman -I can multi-task! And share a Diet Coke with Mackenzie Phillips while I’m at it. So, I’ll be leaving in a couple of hours to do it and hopefully I’ll have some good stories for you when I get back.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on March 1, 2010 8:59 pmDrinking,Uncategorized41 comments  


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