So today I’m driving my minivan in to Hollywood to tape Larry King Live -although don’t run to your TiVo because it’s not actually live, it’s being taped for an upcoming Friday (possibly this Friday). Naturally it’s about drinking or not drinking as the case may be because I’m the go-to blabber mouth ex-wine swilling mom who kind of had a career as an author that wrote about drinking being a fantastically good old time to be shared with other wino mommies. Or so people thought. In actuality, I wrote a lot of jokes about drinking and made funny references to celebrities who liked their substances a little too much. It was on the Today Show that I got my rep as a defender of the wine playdate. Which, by the way, was blown out of proportion because I was always saying that there is nothing wrong with getting together with your friends and having a glass of wine to relax. I never said to have a bottle of wine then smoke a joint then go into your host’s bathroom, rifle through their medicine chest to see if you can find some left over Vicodin from the root canal they had last spring and maybe swig a few shots of their kid’s cough medicine with codeine while flushing the toilet over and over to cover the noise. So, if you ever did that, don’t blame me. Do as I say not as I do.
Drinking was cool for me and it worked to lessen the anxiety I felt as a new mom. It also helped bond me with other moms who still enjoyed an adult pastime like having a glass of wine. It worked until it stopped working and became a problem. I’ve talked that to death. But the thing is, it’s interesting to people that I seem to have no fear chatting about my decision as if I just got a shitty haircut and felt the need to permanently change hairdressers -which is dramatic, don’t get me wrong.
What I’m finding out is that a whole lot of women out there have a problem with alcohol and these women are not homeless, gutter drunks or slurry abusive moms swilling vanilla extract and mouth wash when they run out of Bushmills. Many of us problem drinking moms simply have too much wine, at night, by ourselves or with our husbands, while our children are asleep and out of harm’s way. But we know inside that the wine stopped helping and is now hurting and we can’t seem to moderate or quit and we don’t like where it’s headed. We need help and we need to hear from another mom who gets it. So when I’m asked to be on a show, I usually say yes.
My husband, Jon, is not psyched that I’m going to be on Larry King. He feels that I’m losing my identity as anything other than “That Mom Who Used To Drink Too Much.” He may be right. But, Tom Arnold is going to be there. And Dr. Drew! And I have some questions for Dr. Drew! Like what’s with the pout? Does he practice that in the mirror? Does he place his chin just so on top of his fist while he practices? Does his wife give him shit about it? Has he ever wanted to haul off and punch Kari Ann in the spleen? Does he really think the chick on Celebrity Rehab that was on the past season of America’s Next Top Model should have been a constestant on that show? If so, does he think I could be? And if not, is it because I’m fat? Does he really think I’m fat? Or does he think I should be the next Bachelorette? Also, just how unfamous can you be to be approved by him for Celebrity Rehab? These are things I need to get to the bottom of.
I suppose there are worse things to do with yourself when you quit drinking than spreading the word that it is possible to quit right? I figure that I can be a funny mom/writer and a humorous ex-drinker at the same time. I’m a woman -I can multi-task! And share a Diet Coke with Mackenzie Phillips while I’m at it. So, I’ll be leaving in a couple of hours to do it and hopefully I’ll have some good stories for you when I get back.