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9 Months

Having twins is not getting easier as everyone has promised me a million times. Do these Pollyannas have twelve nannies or have they shipped their toddlers off to boarding school?  Because I can’t right now imagine how anyone can think that two-year-old twins are so much easier than eight month-old twins. Looking back that was the sweet spot as far as I’m concerned. At eight months my girls couldn’t do a whole lot and they were perfectly happy about it. Now they seem to have a lot of thoughts and opinions about things and they insist on sharing them with me every moment of every day. Plus, there isn’t a piece of furniture in the house that they won’t scale to the top and fall right off of.  I’m about one cup of Sanka away from covering my couches in plastic like they did in the 70’s.

Last weekend was incredibly stressful. For some reason it just felt more relentless than usual. I think, perhaps, it had to do with the fact that Sadie had decided that food had been a passing fancy that she was completely over. Eating is so five minutes ago and tubby is right now. I would offer her avocado –my go-to food because, seriously, have you ever met a thin person who eats guacamole every single day –and she’d look at me like I was offering her Michael Bolton tickets instead of a delicious snack. When you have a kid who barely weighs twenty-one pounds, every single day they don’t want to eat makes a difference and when you see a pattern you start to worry. When I worry, I eat. The thing I eat is candy. And I was on like day three or something ridiculous of no sugar so I was a bit out of sorts.

For whatever reason, by Friday night, I’d just reached my patience limit and spent a good deal of time in tears. Then I made the decision to put Sadie back on Periactin –the medication that increases her appetite. The next day she ate a little better but I was still edgy and the Sudafed I took for my sinus headache seemed to work against me. Little red bastard.

So Sunday night came and on Monday I was to wake up and know that I’d made it to nine whole months sober. Nine months of taking better care of myself. Nine months of hard earned clarity. Nine months of not blotting at myself with booze until I dissolved into numbness. Nine months of life.

Sunday night, in the middle of the night, I decided that I probably wasn’t an alcoholic.

A glass of wine wasn’t going to make a huge difference either way.

I’d been waaay too hard on myself. Really? An alcoholic? That’s so harsh! I believe that I may have overreached and made the whole issue too black and white. One glass of white wine is completely innocent. Who are these people who decide to quit drinking and then spend the rest of their lives droning on and on about it right?

So screw it, I had a glass. And then since I was having one I figured I should have one more. And that felt pretty good so I poured myself another itty bitty half a glass. And then I woke up the next day and thought “What the hell have I done? Why, oh why, would I lose my sobriety over a couple of damn glasses of wine? I didn’t even get buzzed or drunk. What was the point?” My heart was clenched up and my chest weighted down by such an incredible waste. I was sick with disappointment in myself and immediately tried to figure out what I had to do. Did I have to start over? I’d have to. Absolutely defeated I lay back down. But hold on, where would I have gotten a bottle of wine? I don’t even keep any in the house. I didn’t go buy any and Jon would never bring any home even if I begged and pleaded.

It was a drinking dream. And I was officially nine months sober.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on February 24, 2010 6:07 pmDrinking55 comments  

55 Comments

  1. Jessica said,

    Congratulations Stef – you made it!

    I also recently had a drinking dream where I “accidentally” drank (and I’m only 8 weeks in) and was absolutely distraught, trying to figure out how to take it back since I didn’t mean to do drink. It was a relief to wake up.

    | February 24, 2010 @ 6:27 pm

  2. Tracy said,

    Oh, thank goodness! Not that it would be entirely tragic if you did go there, but I was so distraught FOR you.

    And amen to the 2-year old twins. Mine are only 17-months old, but I was JUST thinking this morning how much easier it was when they were 8-months old. SO easy.

    | February 24, 2010 @ 6:40 pm

  3. Ellie said,

    A just-in-time drinking dream. I love/hate those. At least you were upset about it when you woke up. I had one right around my 2 year mark where, in my dream, I couldn’t care less that I was drinking. That one worried me.

    I was told by some recovery friends that I had “PMS” … as in ‘pre-medallion syndrome”. Great, another syndrome.

    Congrats – really, truly, seriously, on nine months. You are such an inspiration to me and so many others.

    I’m sorry it’s been tough with the twins. I won’t offer any platitudes or happy thoughts, because I know that sometimes it just sucks. Add Sadie’s eating troubles to the mix and it’s a perfect storm. Hang in there.

    -Ellie
    .-= Ellie´s last blog ..God Loves Donuts =-.

    | February 24, 2010 @ 6:55 pm

  4. Amanda said,

    Those are so common and so difficult. You wake up and the dream is so real. Ironically they also seem to happen around the 9 month mark. I personally think it’s because around that time your brain has finally normalized a little and it’s reorganizing.

    Not that I think you are crazy.
    Unless I am too.

    I’m so glad it was just a dream.
    Congratulations on 9 months!
    .-= Amanda´s last blog ..Celebrity Rehab – Season 3 =-.

    | February 24, 2010 @ 7:10 pm

  5. Karen Sugarpants said,

    Whoa. You scared me! I used to have smoking dreams after I quit smoking. Yikes. It rattles the cage.

    I’m so so proud of you though. You’re amazing.

    | February 24, 2010 @ 7:13 pm

  6. Diana said,

    Those drinking dreams are crazy – they are always so vivid for me. I am always confused as to why I am drinking and am acutely aware of what an ass I must look like (sadly not that self aware when I was actually drinking). I wake up, like you, so relieved that it was not reality. I still get them after four plus years and they just serve to remind me that I am on the right path. The remorse solidifies it.

    Congratulations on 9 months!
    .-= Diana´s last blog ..The Best First Job =-.

    | February 24, 2010 @ 7:15 pm

  7. rachel said,

    Congratulations! Probably just as big of an accomplishment as if it were 9 years, considering you have 2 year old twins. You rock

    | February 24, 2010 @ 7:16 pm

  8. seekingclarav said,

    Oh my…I almost started crying when I got to the “screw it I had a glass” part. Thank god that was only a drinking dream, eh? I love and hate those.

    I have no words of advice for you re: the twins. Just hang in there and keep taking care of yourself. 9 months is pretty huge!
    .-= seekingclarav´s last blog ..Planning a pregnancy, what a concept! =-.

    | February 24, 2010 @ 7:24 pm

  9. lauren said,

    for a second there my heart started beating fast!!

    CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    | February 24, 2010 @ 7:26 pm

  10. Elizabeth Sober said,

    You had me going there as well — phew that it was just a dream! Does this mean I am too dependent upon you somehow? Probably, but whatever.

    I am having these dreams almost every night still (7+ weeks in). I actually kind of like them since (a) they let me feel relieved (if drained) when I wake up and realize the truth and (b) they remind me not to get complacent. The novelty of sobriety has started to wear off and I can feel the danger lurking out there, you know? What if I just give in one day?

    Thanks for the post (as always)…..

    | February 24, 2010 @ 7:40 pm

  11. rebecca said,

    You got me with that one. My heart was so sad for you and I was ready to build you back up and let you know that I believed in you (I do believe in you). But then at the end, it was only a dream. Ha!
    .-= rebecca´s last blog ..My Family =-.

    | February 24, 2010 @ 8:06 pm

  12. kate said,

    Holy shit you scared me.

    You are really amazing; congratulations on 9 months!!! I admire your honesty during this struggle.
    .-= kate´s last blog ..faux sun =-.

    | February 24, 2010 @ 9:32 pm

  13. Carrie said,

    I have 2 year old twins and I don’t drink. Having 2 year old twins makes me want to start drinking. I feel a sense of comfort in reading other people’s views on this particular stage of baby/childhood. It’s difficult. That is an understatement.

    Incidentally, the reason I don’t drink is because my mother does. She drank all through my childhood and all through everything else and still drinks. Oh, she doesn’t have a problem you see, she just enjoys a few drinks. That is what she would tell you anyway. There was nothing horrible, no beatings or verbal abuse from her. Just the ever present drink and the slurred speech and the glassy eyes and the far-away mom whom I could never quite reach. Still can’t.

    Her drinking broke my heart bit by bit. I am 40 now and still have that broken heart.

    And now I have crazy 2 year old twin boys. And while sometimes it is tempting, I will never touch a drop of alcohol. Because of my mom.

    Carrie

    | February 24, 2010 @ 9:38 pm

  14. Natika said,

    Well SHIT Steph….My heart and stomach just took a nose dive.
    Thank God it was just one of those stupid, annoying, freaken dreams. I am so tired of waking up in a full out panic that I screwed up.

    BUT…

    I’ll take the panic over the guilt any damn day of the week!
    How’s the sugar ban working for ya?
    My dh just brought home 2 lbs of choc macadamia turtles…asshole!
    I need the cats diet food now more then ever!

    | February 24, 2010 @ 10:37 pm

  15. Lisa Rae @ smacksy said,

    Congratulations. Nine months is fantastic.

    I still get the dreams, usually around a milestone. It’s nice to have waking up to reality be a relief – it used to be the other way around.

    xoxo
    .-= Lisa Rae @ smacksy´s last blog ..Cabin Fever: A One Act =-.

    | February 24, 2010 @ 10:43 pm

  16. Maggie, dammit said,

    I have those dreams once a week. They never fail to freak the shit out of me.

    Nine months, man. WOW.

    I feel so blessed to have found you in this life. Congratulations, girl. Thank you for everything. xo
    .-= Maggie, dammit´s last blog ..Happy Birthday, Violence UnSilenced =-.

    | February 24, 2010 @ 11:00 pm

  17. Aunt Becky said,

    I have dreams like that too. Only they involve having The Sex with Randy Jackson.

    *shudders*
    .-= Aunt Becky´s last blog ..Talk Dirty To Me =-.

    | February 24, 2010 @ 11:22 pm

  18. Stella said,

    Wow, 9 months already…great job…just think you could have had another set of twins during this timeframe. 😉
    .-= Stella´s last blog ..There’s Always Someone Watching Over Us =-.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 12:01 am

  19. Marinka said,

    I can’t believe I fell for the dream, Pam Ewing.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 12:10 am

  20. Cynthia said,

    I had a dream that Kristine and I went to a bar and Freddie Mercury from Queen was singing and actually bartending. I ordered coffee, but then ordered shots of tequila because I felt sorry for him.
    I also woke up in a panic, wondering if I had really had a drink.

    It wasn’t enough that I thought that perhaps Freddie Mercury was actually bartending, but the fact that he is dead escaped me.

    Congrats on 9 months!
    .-= Cynthia´s last blog ..No-ga =-.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 12:42 am

  21. Erin said,

    DUDE! I was like, shit. Wow.
    That was an awesome post. Congratulations on 9 months! I remember every single milestone my Dad reached, every single badge, every single “happy birthday”.

    Also, not that you care, but I just got my visa approved and am moving ALL THE WAY from Australia to LA and its VERY exciting for me.

    Nice random overshare, Erin.
    .-= Erin´s last blog ..3×4 =-.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 12:59 am

  22. Carrie said,

    Good Lord this scared me. I have these dreams all the time. And waking up is such a relief.

    Congrats on 9 months!!!

    | February 25, 2010 @ 1:09 am

  23. Corinne said,

    Congratulations on 9 months!!!
    (and I wish those damn drinking dreams would stop… grr…)
    .-= Corinne´s last blog ..Work in Progress… MOVING!!! =-.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 1:20 am

  24. Gretchen said,

    Delighted we’re still in this together! Whew! Had my heart all clenched up in worry!
    Sorry about the 2 2’s…I have ONE just turn three, and she’s a ball of talk and opinions. NONE of my opinions of course! 😉
    Hope the no sugar crack isn’t making you as insane as it’s making me!

    | February 25, 2010 @ 1:46 am

  25. robin said,

    I had a drinking dream 2 nights ago where I accidentally grabbed my husband’s drink on the counter and had a couple sips (since I was there, I thought I might as well get more than 1) of a cocktail. My husband and friends saod it was no biggie, it was an accident, and it didn’t count. But when I went to my meeting, EVERYONE was really mean and screamed at me that I had to count it and start over. I woke up pretty frazzled, but after 5 minutes felt better.

    I am so proud of your 9 month accomplishment and your life accomplishments. Sadie’s gonna have to cook *you* some fantastic meals when you’re old. She owes ya. :)
    .-= robin´s last blog ..Stickers = SLEEP =-.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 1:52 am

  26. Anne DiNapoli said,

    9 months is fabulous. 2 year-olds are tough, especially 2. I can only imagine. My 1 has me going bonkers some days. Smart, pretty girls have lots of thoughts and opinions!
    .-= Anne DiNapoli´s last blog ..Dad’s Girl =-.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 2:53 am

  27. Aimee Greeblemonkey said,

    My heart was beating so hard as I read that. not that I would be disapointed in you, just sad for you since I know you have worked so hard. Not an alcoholic myself, but a child of an alcoholic. Then I got to the end and nearly dropped the phone- because my achiles heel is I have a sleep disorder where I have night terrors. So lady, my heart goes out to you doubletime.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 3:12 am

  28. Lulu said,

    I just love your writing. Always have, always will.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 3:45 am

  29. Mommy on the Spot said,

    Congrats on 9 monthts! And no sugar? That is awesome!! As my wii sports active trainer would say, “You, my friend, are poetry in motion.”
    .-= Mommy on the Spot´s last blog ..Bjork and The Princess Party* =-.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 4:35 am

  30. GingerB said,

    I sometimes have dreams that I accidentally smoked pot, and I never had to fight to give it up like you have alchohol, I just quit caring about it. So all these years pass and I periodically dream that I toss my entire career because I forgot to not smoke pot. D’oh!

    Nine months is completely full of the big big awesome.
    .-= GingerB´s last blog ..Haiku Friday: the brown smear slalom during dinner event =-.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 7:43 am

  31. cassey said,

    Glad it was just a dream. Woo hoo for 9 months :)
    .-= cassey´s last blog ..Nerves =-.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 8:40 am

  32. MimienAquitaine said,

    Hi, I’ve been reading you for a little while and today’s story just put a big grinning smile on my face ! Which I needed because I have a 2 year old (only one !). I will get easier with the twins, give them another year or so 😉
    .-= MimienAquitaine´s last blog ..Petite larme du jour =-.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 9:39 am

  33. J from Ireland said,

    Congratulations on the 9mth mark, well done.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 10:44 am

  34. Heather said,

    I read this last night and keep thinking about your words, your story. You are doing for yourself and your family what my mother never managed to do for herself. My life is forever changed that she could never stop drinking.
    .-= Heather´s last blog ..week 7: imperfection =-.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 12:27 pm

  35. Shannon Kieta said,

    This is EXACTLY when you know you hae scucceeded! CONGRATS! If you were a weak, helpless, aclocoholic…you WOULD have picked up that bottle that you would have hidden in the house somewhere. I am so proud of you. We all are. Boy, I know kids can be stressful. I don’t have twins, but I do have FOUR!!! 10, 8 1/2, 5,and 1 1/2!!! It gets pretty hairy around here too! I want to pop Xanax all day. But I have learned not to rely on them so much too. When you make aday for that, let me know…I will give you MY story. Ha Ha! Luv You Steph… and remind to slap you for scaring the shit out of me!

    | February 25, 2010 @ 1:01 pm

  36. Shannon Kieta said,

    Aunt Becky…WTF??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????

    | February 25, 2010 @ 1:03 pm

  37. Kir said,

    *you ALMOST got me* but I knew you didn’t. 😉

    I am also the mother of twins..and I have to agree (they turned 2 in Jan) and my patience is wearing thin…holy crap those little monkeys are all over the place…and I just don’t have the energy to contain them. LOL

    Hugs

    | February 25, 2010 @ 1:37 pm

  38. Sarah said,

    Congrats on reaching 9 months of sobriety! That is great!

    As for the twin thing, I recently put my 20 month old twins up for sale on facebook. It is a 3 for 2 deal as I am throwing in the 3 year old for free. And I too have one who struggles with weight. He eats like crazy, but we can’t get him to hit 20 lbs. He will probably have to ride rear-facing in his carseat forever.
    .-= Sarah´s last blog ..Not so picky eaters =-.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 2:15 pm

    • Francesca said,

      You have to get the sale done before they know their address :)

      | February 26, 2010 @ 5:13 am

  39. Caroline said,

    I never had drinking dreams . . . but I did have night terrors and sleep paralysis every time I tried to stop drinking, which would have me drinking again the next day. The first night of good sleep that I got is still one of the best nights of my life. Glad it was just a dream, Stefanie. You had me worried there, too!
    .-= Caroline´s last blog ..The Beauteous (and Famous) Bitlet =-.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 3:41 pm

  40. Sami said,

    Two-twos are a handful. Hang in there. Is there anyway you could get a weekend off – like poker-in-Las-Vegas time-off?

    That always helps.

    Congratulations on 9 months, booze-free babe 😀

    | February 25, 2010 @ 4:19 pm

  41. Shannon said,

    I CANNOT imagine what it’s like to deal with two year old twins, medical problems with one of the twins, and an everyday battle with sobriety. I was holding my breath when I read your post, and I only released it when I read about your “drinking dream.” Congrats on staying sober! :)
    .-= Shannon´s last blog ..I always knew 13 was a bad number… =-.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 5:05 pm

  42. Rebecca @ Diary of a Virgin Novelist said,

    Oh.My.God.

    You are quite the writer. I was on the edge of my seat. My heart was breaking for you but in the next instant was like, “It’s okay, this happens, she is just going to get right back on the wagon.”

    Something similar happened to me but in reverse – because I wanted the dream to be true. Before I started writing my novel, when I was agonizing about what a loser I was and how I would never write anything, I dreamt I outlined my novel and it was perfect. I woke up and cried.
    .-= Rebecca @ Diary of a Virgin Novelist´s last blog ..Writing Nirvana to Writing Nothing =-.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 5:05 pm

  43. Susan said,

    And that’s the way Lost will end. At least, I am happy about your ending.

    Congratulations on 9 months!

    | February 25, 2010 @ 8:43 pm

  44. Dino said,

    You need to immediately go back to sleep and dream about going to a meeting.

    | February 25, 2010 @ 9:40 pm

  45. Lisa said,

    CONGRATULATIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!

    And people who say it’s easier at 2 are people who have easy children. My kid is easy – totally unadventurous, a wonderful thing in a child – and when her friend is around, it’s easier because they entertain each other and take less attention from me. A friend is different than a twin, obviously, I’m just saying those people had easy kids.

    | February 26, 2010 @ 1:19 am

  46. rockzee said,

    My heart just sank. Don’t scare me like that woman! Congrats.
    .-= rockzee´s last blog ..The Imaginaries =-.

    | February 26, 2010 @ 3:57 am

  47. Sadie said,

    Nine months! That’s incredible! Congratulations!

    Sadie

    | February 26, 2010 @ 4:32 am

  48. heather... said,

    You’re awesome, bitch.
    .-= heather…´s last blog ..Mental =-.

    | February 26, 2010 @ 4:51 am

  49. Francesca said,

    Twins don’t get easier, it just gets “different”. I waited too, for a while. Mine are 8 now…sigh. Things change and evolve, but easy, no. Stay off the hooch. The hangovers won’t make the next few years any easier. Besides, you would miss out on a lot of fun moments if you are drinking. My daughter teaching meal worms to swim was priceless!

    | February 26, 2010 @ 5:12 am

  50. Jane said,

    Favorite line, ‘little red bastard’. Ugh, those drinking dreams are such whiplash. The utter despair. The disappointment. The relief. The drink afterwards to calm the nerves.

    KIDDING.

    9 months? That’s awesome. You could have made a person in that time. Thank goodness you didn’t though right? But it’s a long damn time and I am impressed and I’ll say it. Proud.

    xo
    .-= Jane´s last blog ..Missing =-.

    | February 26, 2010 @ 7:07 am

  51. Mary said,

    Congratulations Stefanie!!! 9 months is so huge! Great post too…… =) You are awesome!!!
    Mary

    | February 26, 2010 @ 3:43 pm

  52. Dawn said,

    OMFG! You turkey, you really scared the crap out of me! As I read your post, my heart was racing, I felt nauseous…kind of like waking up in the middle of the night after the alcohol’s worn off – remember? I stopped drinking on Oct 28th and started reading your blog soon after. At least once a week, you provide comic relief while reminding me that I’m not alone. I thank you, my husband thanks you and my 2 young boys thank you.

    Congratulations!

    Dawn

    | February 28, 2010 @ 6:04 pm

  53. Jae said,

    Absolutely awesome!!! Congratulations! And you’re on your way to month 10 now. 😀

    I had/and still have, dreams like that … though in my dreams I have never gotten to consume the wine. there’s morning i have woken and wished SO BAD that i had gotten to, just in the dream … for old time’s sake. sad, huh?
    .-= Jae´s last blog ..A Year Ago Today =-.

    | March 6, 2010 @ 9:17 pm

  54. Jae said,

    PS – I have twin boys, they’re 7 1/2 years old now. Their “big” sister is 11 months older than them… Irish Triplets i call ’em. Anyhow, it DOES get easier – it does!!!
    .-= Jae´s last blog ..A Year Ago Today =-.

    | March 6, 2010 @ 9:18 pm

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