Having twins is not getting easier as everyone has promised me a million times. Do these Pollyannas have twelve nannies or have they shipped their toddlers off to boarding school? Because I can’t right now imagine how anyone can think that two-year-old twins are so much easier than eight month-old twins. Looking back that was the sweet spot as far as I’m concerned. At eight months my girls couldn’t do a whole lot and they were perfectly happy about it. Now they seem to have a lot of thoughts and opinions about things and they insist on sharing them with me every moment of every day. Plus, there isn’t a piece of furniture in the house that they won’t scale to the top and fall right off of. I’m about one cup of Sanka away from covering my couches in plastic like they did in the 70’s.
Last weekend was incredibly stressful. For some reason it just felt more relentless than usual. I think, perhaps, it had to do with the fact that Sadie had decided that food had been a passing fancy that she was completely over. Eating is so five minutes ago and tubby is right now. I would offer her avocado –my go-to food because, seriously, have you ever met a thin person who eats guacamole every single day –and she’d look at me like I was offering her Michael Bolton tickets instead of a delicious snack. When you have a kid who barely weighs twenty-one pounds, every single day they don’t want to eat makes a difference and when you see a pattern you start to worry. When I worry, I eat. The thing I eat is candy. And I was on like day three or something ridiculous of no sugar so I was a bit out of sorts.
For whatever reason, by Friday night, I’d just reached my patience limit and spent a good deal of time in tears. Then I made the decision to put Sadie back on Periactin –the medication that increases her appetite. The next day she ate a little better but I was still edgy and the Sudafed I took for my sinus headache seemed to work against me. Little red bastard.
So Sunday night came and on Monday I was to wake up and know that I’d made it to nine whole months sober. Nine months of taking better care of myself. Nine months of hard earned clarity. Nine months of not blotting at myself with booze until I dissolved into numbness. Nine months of life.
Sunday night, in the middle of the night, I decided that I probably wasn’t an alcoholic.
A glass of wine wasn’t going to make a huge difference either way.
I’d been waaay too hard on myself. Really? An alcoholic? That’s so harsh! I believe that I may have overreached and made the whole issue too black and white. One glass of white wine is completely innocent. Who are these people who decide to quit drinking and then spend the rest of their lives droning on and on about it right?
So screw it, I had a glass. And then since I was having one I figured I should have one more. And that felt pretty good so I poured myself another itty bitty half a glass. And then I woke up the next day and thought “What the hell have I done? Why, oh why, would I lose my sobriety over a couple of damn glasses of wine? I didn’t even get buzzed or drunk. What was the point?” My heart was clenched up and my chest weighted down by such an incredible waste. I was sick with disappointment in myself and immediately tried to figure out what I had to do. Did I have to start over? I’d have to. Absolutely defeated I lay back down. But hold on, where would I have gotten a bottle of wine? I don’t even keep any in the house. I didn’t go buy any and Jon would never bring any home even if I begged and pleaded.
It was a drinking dream. And I was officially nine months sober.
You have to get the sale done before they know their address
I never had drinking dreams . . . but I did have night terrors and sleep paralysis every time I tried to stop drinking, which would have me drinking again the next day. The first night of good sleep that I got is still one of the best nights of my life. Glad it was just a dream, Stefanie. You had me worried there, too!
.-= Caroline´s last blog ..The Beauteous (and Famous) Bitlet =-.
Two-twos are a handful. Hang in there. Is there anyway you could get a weekend off – like poker-in-Las-Vegas time-off?
That always helps.
Congratulations on 9 months, booze-free babe 😀
I CANNOT imagine what it’s like to deal with two year old twins, medical problems with one of the twins, and an everyday battle with sobriety. I was holding my breath when I read your post, and I only released it when I read about your “drinking dream.” Congrats on staying sober!
.-= Shannon´s last blog ..I always knew 13 was a bad number… =-.
You are quite the writer. I was on the edge of my seat. My heart was breaking for you but in the next instant was like, “It’s okay, this happens, she is just going to get right back on the wagon.”
Something similar happened to me but in reverse – because I wanted the dream to be true. Before I started writing my novel, when I was agonizing about what a loser I was and how I would never write anything, I dreamt I outlined my novel and it was perfect. I woke up and cried.
.-= Rebecca @ Diary of a Virgin Novelist´s last blog ..Writing Nirvana to Writing Nothing =-.
And that’s the way Lost will end. At least, I am happy about your ending.
Congratulations on 9 months!
You need to immediately go back to sleep and dream about going to a meeting.
And people who say it’s easier at 2 are people who have easy children. My kid is easy – totally unadventurous, a wonderful thing in a child – and when her friend is around, it’s easier because they entertain each other and take less attention from me. A friend is different than a twin, obviously, I’m just saying those people had easy kids.
My heart just sank. Don’t scare me like that woman! Congrats.
.-= rockzee´s last blog ..The Imaginaries =-.
Nine months! That’s incredible! Congratulations!
You’re awesome, bitch.
.-= heather…´s last blog ..Mental =-.
Twins don’t get easier, it just gets “different”. I waited too, for a while. Mine are 8 now…sigh. Things change and evolve, but easy, no. Stay off the hooch. The hangovers won’t make the next few years any easier. Besides, you would miss out on a lot of fun moments if you are drinking. My daughter teaching meal worms to swim was priceless!
Favorite line, ‘little red bastard’. Ugh, those drinking dreams are such whiplash. The utter despair. The disappointment. The relief. The drink afterwards to calm the nerves.
9 months? That’s awesome. You could have made a person in that time. Thank goodness you didn’t though right? But it’s a long damn time and I am impressed and I’ll say it. Proud.
.-= Jane´s last blog ..Missing =-.
Congratulations Stefanie!!! 9 months is so huge! Great post too…… =) You are awesome!!!
OMFG! You turkey, you really scared the crap out of me! As I read your post, my heart was racing, I felt nauseous…kind of like waking up in the middle of the night after the alcohol’s worn off – remember? I stopped drinking on Oct 28th and started reading your blog soon after. At least once a week, you provide comic relief while reminding me that I’m not alone. I thank you, my husband thanks you and my 2 young boys thank you.
Absolutely awesome!!! Congratulations! And you’re on your way to month 10 now. 😀
I had/and still have, dreams like that … though in my dreams I have never gotten to consume the wine. there’s morning i have woken and wished SO BAD that i had gotten to, just in the dream … for old time’s sake. sad, huh?
.-= Jae´s last blog ..A Year Ago Today =-.
PS – I have twin boys, they’re 7 1/2 years old now. Their “big” sister is 11 months older than them… Irish Triplets i call ’em. Anyhow, it DOES get easier – it does!!!
.-= Jae´s last blog ..A Year Ago Today =-.