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TV Network Conversations With God

What have I done to deserve the wealth of bad, bad, oh so good reality fare that’s  on television this week? It’s like God knows I quit drinking and decided to have a meeting with a couple of networks to figure a way to keep me sober.

God: So I have a very special client -well, she thinks she’s special -ha ha-all these addict types think they’re so special-me, I know I’m special, I mean, hello, have you met me? I’m GOD. Anyway, Stefanie needs a distraction. What have you got?

CBS: Oh, I think we have just the thing for her. How about we roll out a brand new CSI?

God: I don’t think she likes that franchise.

CBS: Hang on, I haven’t told you the best part. This one could be in Hoboken. Lotta crime. Should be right up her alley.

God:  Can you use the cast of Jersey Shore? We love that show.

CBS: Don’t think I can do it. Trust me, I love that show too. But those kids’ quotes are through the roof.  Snookie costs a hell of a lot more than say Chris O’Donnell. We just don’t have the budget.

God: Not my problem. What else you got? Anything with some D-level celebs? Like maybe a Tom Sizemore or a porn actress no one’s ever heard of? She loves that crap.

VH1: You’re talking my language. I can hook you up. Can I interest you in Celebrity Rehab?

God: You, my friend, have just earned your wings! Say, while I have you here, can I pitch something to you?

VH1: Uh, okay.

God: So, I had this hysterical idea based on something that really happened to me when I was facebooking with this girl for awhile until I found out she was underage. What if…okay, this is kind of tricky, but what if there’s this teen-age girl, and she’s on earth doing stuff that I tell her to do. In this case, helping people or whatever. It’s not that fleshed out yet but I think there’s something there.

VH1: Yeah, uh it’s been done. Joan of Arcadia.

God: Man. Okay. Real quick: Is there some way we could put together a project with my buddy Kirk Cameron? He’s a pretty big fan of mine and I’ve been promising him I’d talk to someone about helping give his career a little lift. The young girls used to love him. Couldn’t get enough of the old Mike Seaver.

VH1: I don’t know…he’s not really for our demographic. Have you approached USA network? Don’t they do 7th Heaven reruns?

God: 7th Heaven? That show is a piece of shit. Totally unrealistic. No one is that nice.

VH1: Tell you what. How about we do another season of Sober House?

God: Done!

See? Someone is looking out for me.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on January 14, 2010 1:14 amUncategorized12 comments  

12 Comments

  1. Ellie said,

    “God: 7th Heaven? That show is a piece of shit. Totally unrealistic. No one is that nice.”

    OMG that completely made my night – freaking hysterical.

    And if God keeps piping Celebrity Rehab and Sober House into my living room I’ll be a happy woman indeed. The only time I was ever truly star-struck was when I met Dr. Drew. He’s even more delicious in person.
    .-= Ellie´s last blog ..Gorilla Training, 101 =-.

    | January 14, 2010 @ 2:43 am

  2. rebecca said,

    I just watched Idol and let me tell you I’m frustrated because that show actually had some okay talent and a few really good ones. There may have been two, maybe three??, bad ones. But not the kind of bad that made me laugh my behind off….just the kind of bad that was like “Yeah, they weren’t all that good”.

    That’s supposed to be the most fun part. The people who act like they think they are the best singer ever and they totally suck worse than me. Too much back stories on people who were trying out. Get rid of that sentimental crap. I want the horrible singers!!
    .-= rebecca´s last blog ..April 17, 2008 =-.

    | January 14, 2010 @ 3:02 am

  3. seekingclarav said,

    Ok, so don’t tell me you forgot about tomorrow night? A whole, fresh, glamglorious new season of Project Runway starts. I will spend all day talking in Tim Gunn’s voice. It will be grand. Also, Grey’s is over-lapping with Private Practice, if you are into that kind of thing.

    | January 14, 2010 @ 3:20 am

  4. Summer said,

    First of all this was kinda awesome.

    Celeb Rehab makes me giddy. And I can barely handle the week long wait until the next one.

    I hope there is never a shortage of D list celebs with addictions, or I may just die from withdrawals.

    Sorry God, that was kind of selfish.

    Also….totally thought of you when we had friends invite themselves over for New Years Eve, until I told them that “Fun Bobby” had left the building, i.e. we don’t drink anymore….

    Two hours later, I got a text that read:

    “Heading to party, catch ya another time.”

    Isn’t being sober FUN???

    Cheers!

    | January 14, 2010 @ 6:08 am

  5. Shannon Kieta said,

    Steph…
    Where do you come up with this stuff? Hilarious!! You are one talented chick! But no matter how boring you may seem…you will be a sober boring..right? And your family will benefit in the end! That goes for all of you. I am proud of all of you. Hang in there!

    | January 14, 2010 @ 12:10 pm

  6. Canaan said,

    Holy goodness – this post just made my morning. A new reader and now officially hooked!
    .-= Canaan´s last blog ..Adoption – next time around =-.

    | January 14, 2010 @ 2:04 pm

  7. Kate@And Then I Was a Mom said,

    Oh, Mike Seaver. The reason I wanted to to name a child of mine Kirk. Then I became older than 12.

    | January 14, 2010 @ 3:56 pm

  8. Dad Gone Mad said,

    Love what you’ve done with the place, Stef.

    | January 14, 2010 @ 7:06 pm

  9. Mary Jo said,

    I had a major crush on Kirk Cameron… but then he got all God on us. Not that I don’t love God, but I don’t like how Kirk changed. And now you know I’m a major dork. LOL
    .-= Mary Jo´s last blog ..Jinx =-.

    | January 14, 2010 @ 11:29 pm

  10. Lisa said,

    I watched Celebrity Rehab last night. I love that show! Makes me feel so normal. And I loves me some Dr Drew! Heidi Fliess calls him out as a sex symbol! Nice!

    | January 15, 2010 @ 3:20 pm

  11. Wendi said,

    Snookie could only be a gift from God.

    | January 15, 2010 @ 5:50 pm

  12. Jessica Vitalis said,

    You are HILARIOUS! Thanks for sharing!

    http://jessicavitalis.com
    Stop Pinching Your Sister! (Practical Parenting Tips Based on My Columbia MBA)
    .-= Jessica Vitalis´s last blog ..Ignore Sunk Costs! =-.

    | January 16, 2010 @ 6:25 pm

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