What have I done to deserve the wealth of bad, bad, oh so good reality fare that’s on television this week? It’s like God knows I quit drinking and decided to have a meeting with a couple of networks to figure a way to keep me sober.
God: So I have a very special client -well, she thinks she’s special -ha ha-all these addict types think they’re so special-me, I know I’m special, I mean, hello, have you met me? I’m GOD. Anyway, Stefanie needs a distraction. What have you got?
CBS: Oh, I think we have just the thing for her. How about we roll out a brand new CSI?
God: I don’t think she likes that franchise.
CBS: Hang on, I haven’t told you the best part. This one could be in Hoboken. Lotta crime. Should be right up her alley.
God: Can you use the cast of Jersey Shore? We love that show.
CBS: Don’t think I can do it. Trust me, I love that show too. But those kids’ quotes are through the roof. Snookie costs a hell of a lot more than say Chris O’Donnell. We just don’t have the budget.
God: Not my problem. What else you got? Anything with some D-level celebs? Like maybe a Tom Sizemore or a porn actress no one’s ever heard of? She loves that crap.
VH1: You’re talking my language. I can hook you up. Can I interest you in Celebrity Rehab?
God: You, my friend, have just earned your wings! Say, while I have you here, can I pitch something to you?
VH1: Uh, okay.
God: So, I had this hysterical idea based on something that really happened to me when I was facebooking with this girl for awhile until I found out she was underage. What if…okay, this is kind of tricky, but what if there’s this teen-age girl, and she’s on earth doing stuff that I tell her to do. In this case, helping people or whatever. It’s not that fleshed out yet but I think there’s something there.
VH1: Yeah, uh it’s been done. Joan of Arcadia.
God: Man. Okay. Real quick: Is there some way we could put together a project with my buddy Kirk Cameron? He’s a pretty big fan of mine and I’ve been promising him I’d talk to someone about helping give his career a little lift. The young girls used to love him. Couldn’t get enough of the old Mike Seaver.
VH1: I don’t know…he’s not really for our demographic. Have you approached USA network? Don’t they do 7th Heaven reruns?
God: 7th Heaven? That show is a piece of shit. Totally unrealistic. No one is that nice.
VH1: Tell you what. How about we do another season of Sober House?
See? Someone is looking out for me.