I haven’t gotten boozy wit it in over six months which truly seems like a miracle. Although, I’ve gone without drinking many times in my life including my pregnancy with the twins during which I believe I may have had one beer at the home of House of Prince but what do you expect? She’s a horrible influence -exactly what I look for in a friend.
Aren’t you all on tenterhooks waiting to find out how it’s been going? Or maybe you’re waiting for me to slip up like when you watch a tight rope walker and you secretly hope he’ll fall -let’s face it, when the tight rope walker makes it it’s sort of anticlimactic. It’s their job.
Aaaanyway, I digress. I am doing very well these days. Do I still get stressed out by having eighteen children? Of course I do. I’m a thousand percent sure that the Duggars must use some illegal substances to keep their shit together. I still certainly get cravings. It seems like the longer it’s been since I’ve taken a Xanax or had a glass of wine, the more I realize how addicted I was. I didn’t even feel good from taking Xanax, just normal. Sometimes I want a Xanax so bad I can almost taste it and then I think, “What the hell is that about? It wouldn’t even feel good to take it,” and that’s when I think “Oh yeah, I’m an addict. I just want to take something.” It doesn’t have to be alcohol.
I wasn’t that choosy about substances. I loved pain pills as much if not more than wine, but I only had access to them once in awhile when I’d had surgery or a bout of migraines. When given a prescription, I’d take them until they were gone and think, “man it would be awesome to have more” but I was just too lazy to get them. I think pain pills are an ambitious person’s addiction. You have to doctor shop or get them over the Internet or…I don’t know…find them from a dealer? Just thinking about the work it would take to get a steady supply of pills makes me want to lie down and take a nap.
This is why I can’t understand how people become heroin addicts. Sure, the idea of feeling like you’re lying in a vat of vanilla pudding listening to Elliot Smith over and over until you nod off sounds like an interesting Saturday night but being a heroin addict is a full-time job! I can barely get a book out once a year -there’s less than no chance I could spend all day procuring heroin. Who has that kind of time?
What I’m trying to say is that being sober is actually a lot easier than trying to manage feeling good through the use of drugs and alcohol. Although Healthy Choice caramel ice cream sandwiches are playing a huge part these days so there’s that.
The first 90 days were the hardest but it’s gotten a million percent easier. I’m used to not looking forward to my evening wine and as a bonus the anxiety went away. I really thought I might always feel borderline crappy but I don’t. So, that should give anyone hope who is doing this with me.
But don’t get me wrong, I’m still edgy! And that’s fine – I didn’t have a lobotomy, I just stopped drinking. I’ve found many people in sobriety to bond with and I’m realizing that sober alcoholics are pretty interesting in general. In my mind there’s only one good reason to avoid drinking entirely and that’s because either you used to drink waaay too much or because you’ve seen people in your family drink waaaay to much. Otherwise, you are Mormon. And that’s sort of weird. Unless you’re Donny Osmond in which case, let’s have lunch and you can tell me all about your alcohol-free existence! Call me!
P.S. If you came over looking for an update on Sadie, I wrote one here.