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My Daughter’s Imaginary Friend is an Asshole

So Elby has an imaginary friend named Angeli (not 100% sure on the spelling) who, I don’t mind saying, is a total bitch. Oh she started out nice, sucked my daughter in with her enthusiasm for playing princess or riding in the car. She kept my daughter company at Trader Joe’s, sitting in the basket while Elbs sat in the front turning once in awhile to better hear her ice cream flavor request in the frozen food aisle. Eventually Angeli’s bad influence behavior started cropping up

Elby: Mom. I need to tell you something. Angeli doesn’t like it when I wear long sleeves.
Me: Why not?
Elby: She never wears long sleeves because she doesn’t like them.
Me: That’s fine for her but why can’t you wear them?
Elby: She doesn’t want me to because she says long sleeves are stupid.
Me: She’ll get over it.

Another time –

Elby: Angeli threw my Dora bathtub toy in the trash.
Me: What are you talking about?
Elby: My toy that I was playing with. Angeli accidentally threw it away.
Me: Do you mean that you accidentally threw it away?
Elby: No. Angeli didn’t want to play with it because she said it’s for babies.
Me: Tell Angeli to suck it.
Elby: What?
Me: I said tell Angeli tough luck

But lately Angeli has become downright aggressive. While in the car on the way to Target we had this conversation:

Elby: Angeli said she’s going to crack my head open.
Me: WHAT? Why would she say that?
Elby: Actually she didn’t say it. Angeli’s brother did. He’s really mean.
Me: Well, can Angeli talk to him and ask him not to threaten you with violence? Or do you want me to talk to him?
Elby: Actually, Angeli doesn’t want to be my friend anymore.
Me: I think it’s probably for the best. Angeli sounds like a bad seed.

Then while walking in the parking lot on our way into the store:

Elby: Angeli is my friend again. She wants me to come to a playdate at her house.
Me: Doesn’t she live at your house?
Elby: No. She lives in New York.
Me: Then won’t you have to take a plane to get there? New York is pretty far.
Elby: Yes. I have to be on the plane for ten hundred days.
Me: So you’re flying Southwest?

Walking inside Target:

Elby: Mommy? I need to tell you something. Angeli kicked me really hard on my shoulder.
Me: Elby. Didn’t you make Angeli up? Because when you make someone up, generally they shouldn’t be abusing you. They should be buying you presents, making you laugh and telling you how fabulous you are at all times. Trust me, before I met daddy I had a lot of experience with this. My old therapist called it “living in fantasy.” I preferred wishful thinking.
Elby: So can I go to Angeli’s house?
Me: As long as her brother’s not there.

So we bought her some warm gloves because I’m assuming it’s cold in New York right now. Angeli better not have a problem with them.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on December 4, 2009 12:10 amUncategorized54 comments  

54 Comments

  1. AKD said,

    I love your arguments against the imaginary friend! Sarcasm can beat evil every time. :)

    | December 4, 2009 @ 1:46 am

  2. Rachel Terry said,

    Hilarious. Makes me wish my kid had an imagibary friend like Angeli.

    | December 4, 2009 @ 2:24 am

  3. Aunt Becky said,

    I've never been smart or imaginative enough to have an imaginary friend. Is it weird that I'm kind of jealous of her now?

    | December 4, 2009 @ 2:34 am

  4. Lisa said,

    I wonder when my son's imaginary friend will kick in? I hope never if this is what I can expect!

    | December 4, 2009 @ 3:02 am

  5. Anne Marie said,

    I love that she's testing the world waters and boundaries with Angeli. Maybe her brother's name is Lucifi?

    | December 4, 2009 @ 3:08 am

  6. Rebecca said,

    Just another reason I want to have you and the girls over for a playdate. Your kids are awesome

    | December 4, 2009 @ 3:23 am

  7. Cass said,

    "So you're flying Southwest?" Hardy har har!! I love it!!

    | December 4, 2009 @ 4:43 am

  8. Lynn from For Love or Funny said,

    Curiously, Angeli does not sound like an angel. Perhaps a new puppy is in order.

    | December 4, 2009 @ 10:10 am

  9. Angie said,

    conversations like that are priceless. Not in the special keep them forever kind of way but toooooo funny. Hope her "friend" goes away soon and is replaced by a much nicer one.

    | December 4, 2009 @ 11:58 am

  10. Shannon said,

    If your flying Southwest, use your frequent flyer miles and put Elby on the plane and send her a little further to Western PA. I would LOVE to see my son's reaction to her story-telling. She is exactly the type of playdate he needs to straighten his ass out! LMAO! She is a PISTOL! I bet you pee your pants at times trying to hold the laughter in! What a vivd imagination…I am wondering WHERE in the world she gets it from Steph?

    | December 4, 2009 @ 12:43 pm

  11. Anonymous said,

    I'm glad my son isn't the only child with an imaginary friend who can be less than friendly. I had to think hard when he reported that his "friend" repeatedly knocked him down when they were playing. My son also tells me that he has six daughters who must all come along to Target. I can't wait to see who shows up next.

    | December 4, 2009 @ 1:08 pm

  12. Sadako said,

    This made me crack up. Esp this:

    Elby: Yes. I have to be on the plane for ten hundred days.
    Me: So you're flying Southwest?

    But I'd be careful if I were you. Remember Captain Howdy? :)

    | December 4, 2009 @ 1:43 pm

  13. Bridget said,

    I am literally LMAO right now.

    | December 4, 2009 @ 2:28 pm

  14. Schmutzie said,

    This weblog is being featured on Five Star Friday – http://www.fivestarfriday.com/2009/12/five-star-fridays-edition-82.html

    | December 4, 2009 @ 3:34 pm

  15. KAM said,

    My 3 year old constantly has conversations with her "friend" Sarah. Thank goodness Sarah isn't mean, or I'd have to beat her up! No one messes with my baby. Maybe you should smack that little imaginary friend brute!

    | December 4, 2009 @ 3:38 pm

  16. cat said,

    Hah, too funny. My mom tells me when I was a kid I had imaginary dogs named house-rent, car-rent and elevator-rent. Wish I still had that childhood creativity.

    | December 4, 2009 @ 4:04 pm

  17. kate said,

    I don't know who'll win when you and Angeli go mano-a-mano, butI definitely want to watch.

    | December 4, 2009 @ 4:38 pm

  18. kate said,

    PS. My word verification was "troll". Coincidence? I think not.

    | December 4, 2009 @ 4:38 pm

  19. C @ Kid Things said,

    My son's imaginary friend is a zombie.

    | December 4, 2009 @ 4:48 pm

  20. Habbala said,

    Literally laughed out loud at these stories. SO funny!!!

    | December 4, 2009 @ 5:06 pm

  21. Nicole said,

    I don't think Angeli from New York should be able to come over anymore. See how that flies.

    | December 4, 2009 @ 7:58 pm

  22. Anonymous said,

    I had an imaginary friend who was responsible for all the bad stuff I did. If I made a mess Holly did it, if I did something bad Holly did it. But then Holly also did good stuff too so my mom used to say there was the bad Hollly and the good Holly. I guess I had a big imagination……

    | December 4, 2009 @ 10:10 pm

  23. Marinka said,

    Yes, Angeli does live in NYC. Across the hall from me.

    | December 5, 2009 @ 12:33 am

  24. Geerts said,

    Hilarious!

    this bit cracked me up:

    "Elby: Yes. I have to be on the plane for ten hundred days.
    Me: So you're flying Southwest?"

    | December 5, 2009 @ 4:52 am

  25. Sweet Jane said,

    I'm just sayin', Angeli exists. Thank goodness they can talk telepathically NY to LA 'cause otherwise your phone bill would suck. Or I guess they could always skype.

    Sorry to be annoying, I nominated you for a thing. Award thingee. Don't forget, I'm pretty new to this, so I fall for that stuff.

    | December 5, 2009 @ 8:10 am

  26. SHannon said,

    I just got a vision of Angeli meets the twinsies…AACCKKK! They would beat the F@#% out of her for kicking their bing sister in the shoulder! Don't mess with the Taylor twins here. They will mess you up EVERY time!!!! Yeah!!!!

    | December 5, 2009 @ 12:55 pm

  27. Kellee said,

    Aaaahahahahahaaah. I honesty don't recall ever having an imaginary friend. This is probably why I (still?) talk to myself? heheh

    | December 5, 2009 @ 4:46 pm

  28. Notes From the Grove said,

    I hear of kids having imaginary friends all the time, but I never had one and don't know anyone who did…it's always fascinating (and hilarious) to read stories like these!

    | December 5, 2009 @ 6:36 pm

  29. Jessica said,

    Hilarious! Definitely makes me feel better after having to put my daughter in time out for the 15th time today. (Today, she is "Baby Bunny" and therefore does not have to listen to me.)

    | December 5, 2009 @ 8:41 pm

  30. tony said,

    Hi, it's a very great blog.
    I could tell how much efforts you've taken on it.
    Keep doing!
    mp3 download

    | December 6, 2009 @ 12:19 pm

  31. Anonymous said,

    My son at the age of five had an imaginary friend with a first and last name. Would sit down and join us for all meals. He would play with him plus he was a year older and said my son couldn't do some of the things he wanted to do because he wasn't old enough.

    | December 6, 2009 @ 12:26 pm

  32. Melissa said,

    My daughter had an imag friend. Named Gina. My kid spoke as Gina also. Gina and her would get in arguments back & forth, until I would finally yell at my one child to please stop arguing!

    Then she took to taking two prints of the same picture and telling the whole family: "This is Kira. This one is Gina."

    Only Gina did the bad things. "Kira, why didn't you tell me you spilled your glitter?" "I didn't, it was Gina"

    | December 6, 2009 @ 4:40 pm

  33. Emily Jean said,

    Great post! I thoroughly enjoy your blogs! I am looking forward to the days when my daughter conjures up an imaginary friend! It should be great fun!

    | December 6, 2009 @ 6:46 pm

  34. jerilyn said,

    ha ha , yes my 4 year old has an imaginary friend named 'Mr. Snefnelmapupplebogocatti'…..

    | December 7, 2009 @ 12:20 am

  35. Crafty Mama said,

    Wow.. That's all I can say! And that I'm laughing my butt off.

    | December 7, 2009 @ 1:41 am

  36. henry said,

    very good.

    | December 7, 2009 @ 2:03 pm

  37. Tanisha said,

    So funny! Thanks for making me laugh on this cold rainy day! :-)

    | December 7, 2009 @ 10:05 pm

  38. ?? said,

    ?????e?,?????,ut ???,?????,????,??,????,????,????,jp??,??????,????,????,????,aio?????,????,tt1069?????,????,????,??????,0951??????,??104???,?????,ut??????,18??,?????,????,??104???,????,??????,????,????,????,??,??,??,?????,???????,85cc?????,85cc???,

    | December 8, 2009 @ 12:41 pm

  39. Jamie said,

    My son says that he has a girlfriend named Jamie (my name) who looks curiously a lot like me. That seems kind of weird to me too in an Oedipal kind of way but I think your daughter's "friend" takes the prize!

    | December 8, 2009 @ 5:39 pm

  40. Jill said,

    My son who is now 28 yo had an imaginary friend, Ralphy.
    He ate dinner with us every night. As quick as he came into our lives Ralphy left. He moved to Pennsylvania while we lived in Indiana, the friendship was over.

    | December 8, 2009 @ 10:12 pm

  41. Anonymous said,

    "He cancelled lunch – again." A tale of another asshole imaginary friend: http://www.newyorker.com/archive/2002/09/30/020930fa_fact_gopnik

    | December 9, 2009 @ 3:01 am

  42. mepsipax said,

    Wow, that is some funny friend. Who needs enemies right. I imagined a huge purple gorilla climbed out of the mousehole to steal my baby sister and leave a brother. I think my parents gave me acid.

    | December 9, 2009 @ 3:50 pm

  43. Belle said,

    I used to wish I had an imaginary friend. I was too damn practical. If I had one now though, she would certainly bring me wine and candy and chips and salsa, not abuse me. That would end our relationship for sure.

    | December 9, 2009 @ 4:39 pm

  44. nekkidknitter said,

    I never had an imaginary friend. But I will never forget the time when I was on the phone with a business contact, and she kept asking me to repeat/pronounce/spell my name (it's unusual). Finally she explained herself: her daughter – who was roughly 20-something by then, as was I – had had an imaginary friend by the same name. The woman had never heard it again till she talked to me. Freaked me out a bit…

    | December 9, 2009 @ 6:39 pm

  45. JT said,

    Listen ??,
    This is my wife's blog and there's no cause for that kind of comment on a family site. My daughter reads this, and she was only born in the year of the Monkey!

    If you want that kind of off color chat, try http://www.????.net. Or maybe Duce.

    | December 9, 2009 @ 8:46 pm

  46. Miss Spoken said,

    I wanted an imaginary friend of my own after watching Drop Dead Fred and his handling of The Mega Bitch.

    | December 9, 2009 @ 10:01 pm

  47. Chris Mancini said,

    How old before you shouldn't have an imaginary friend anymore? Just wondering. I mean, not for me, for a friend…

    | December 10, 2009 @ 12:28 am

  48. Tara said,

    What an asshole! The worst part is that you really can't do anything about it. Like you can't kick her ass out. That sucks.

    P.S. Funny comment from JT. Haha.

    | December 10, 2009 @ 12:56 am

  49. Primary Work at Home said,

    I can't wait my son to have an imaginary friend too. I would love to hear his stories. :)

    | December 11, 2009 @ 3:56 pm

  50. The Lady's Lounge said,

    My imaginary friend had the same name as me and although she wasn't mean to me specifically, she used to really piss my mom of.

    "Who ate the cat food?"

    "The other Jennifer"

    http://www.theladyslounge.com

    | December 12, 2009 @ 1:33 pm

  51. Mommy on the Spot said,

    That's funny! My imaginary friend was Fonzie from Happy Days. Go figure!!

    | December 13, 2009 @ 4:51 pm

  52. steph@MyHormonesMadeMeDoIt said,

    Your one liners make my day! Thanks for the great laughs.

    | December 14, 2009 @ 5:52 pm

  53. The Growing Oshika Gang said,

    My first visit to your site and laughing out loud. Thanks for the fun!

    | December 17, 2009 @ 5:13 am

  54. Kristin said,

    Those damm imaginary friends. Ah ha ha

    | December 22, 2009 @ 11:08 pm

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