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Holiday Spirits

Last week I was sitting in a cold office waiting to have a mammogram with a smattering of bored, stiff looking women and a random dude. The television above us was showing a cooking program on the Food Network. The host of the show Sandra Lee, was giving a “fantastic” recipe for egg nog which consisted of pouring store bought egg nog into a big bowl and adding dark rum.

Now, don’t get me wrong, back when I was drinking I thought that was an incredibly tasty recipe and I enjoyed it all through the season and may have actually shed a few tears when the last quarts of egg nog left the store shelves. But now that I’m slightly more clear headed, I wouldn’t get so excited as to call adding rum to already made egg nog a recipe. Possibly a serving suggestion. But this Sandra chick has a lot of nerve. Look, I buy hard boiled eggs pre boiled in a bag from Trader Joe’s and I have been known to mash them up and add some mayo and then spread it on toast. I have referred to this concoction as egg salad but I would never be as bold as to suggest that I have my own cooking show so that I could share this “recipe” with people watching me while they wait to have their annual breast exam.

The whole thing was sort of laughable so I decided right then and there to point it out to the other people waiting to have their boobies stuck in a vise. I thought maybe we could all have a good chuckle. Hey, it’s the fucking holidays!

“Did you guys see what I just saw?” Nothing. No one even looked up.

“That woman just said to add rum to egg nog and it was on a cooking show!” Crickets. So I just kept going because I have comedy Tourettes that way.

“I mean, that seems pretty obvious is what I’m thinking. Who would drink just plain egg nog? That’s gross. Of course you’re going to add rum. Unless you’re me. I can’t have rum. I’m an alcoholic. I haven’t had any booze since May. It’s been tough but I’m sort of used to it now. Once in awhile I still really crave Xanax. Like right now.” Okay, maybe I only said the first sentence but the fact is I was trying to make conversation with a room full of strangers and they were having none of me.

Finally one women looked up and said “The show is called Semi Homemade with Sandra Lee” as if it was my first time visiting this planet.

“Hmm…to me, that doesn’t seem even semi homemade. It seems completely store bought.” I’m sure she was completely regretting having engaged me.

“You don’t buy the whole thing pre-made. You have to mix the rum into the egg nog.So that does sort of make it a recipe.”

“And that deserves its own show?”

“It’s a good show.” With that she went back to her In Touch Weekly magazine. I figured I should knock off the trying to be amusing but I’d had way too much caffeine and I had no reading materials. I managed to last until we all got brought back to the waiting area where we sat in our little front closure tops waiting for our x-ray.

“I’d be more nervous but my breasts are incredibly photogenic” I announced to all six other women.

I got one laugh. And it was from the Sandra Lee fan. Hey, I’ll take it.

Also, my results came back clean.

By the way, you know what would make an awesome holiday gift? My books. If you order them off of the Comedy Nerds website (click over to your left) you will get an autographed copy.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on December 15, 2009 8:53 pmDrinking32 comments  

32 Comments

  1. Aunt Becky said,

    In that vein, I should get a cooking show. I would show me making mac and cheese OUT OF A BOX. It'd be SEMI-homemade because I ADDED MILK.

    Dude. I am a fucking genius.

    And I have never added rum to eggnog. Ever. Am I weird?

    | December 15, 2009 @ 10:02 pm

  2. Trish said,

    hahahahaa. I think I shifted uncomfortably in my chair while reading this.

    I always wanted to say something funny in the RE's office when we were doing fertility treatments.

    For our IUIs, you showed up at 7, the men went to the spankatorium and did their business, then came back out. Then we got called, went back together and they show the swimmmers in my ute.

    There were no 7am appts, so everyone there at that time was doing the same thing. And I used to look around at the men and think how they've all been back there jerking off.

    But the waiting room was always DEAD SILENCE.

    One time one of the husbands was making kinda loud jokes and the wife looked like she was going to sink through the floor. She kept shushing him. I made a point of laughing a little too loud more for HER benefit than his. He was clearly not embarrassed, and I hoped she knew that really, we should ALL be laughing. I mean, the situation was completely laughable.

    Maybe we all just needed more homemade eggnog.

    | December 15, 2009 @ 10:22 pm

  3. heather... said,

    Your boobs ARE incredibly photogenic. Don't be stingy.

    | December 15, 2009 @ 10:27 pm

  4. Anne Marie said,

    Good to read a post from you. I was thinking it might be hard with the holidays, so good to 'hear' your voice:)

    | December 15, 2009 @ 10:35 pm

  5. Kizz said,

    I really thought you were about to say..

    "You know what would make a wonderful holiday gift? My boobs".

    | December 15, 2009 @ 11:10 pm

  6. Lynn from For Love or Funny said,

    The mammogram waiting room is always too quiet…will you come with me in January?

    | December 15, 2009 @ 11:12 pm

  7. Natballs said,

    I asked for your books for Christmas. and that was before I found your blog.

    | December 15, 2009 @ 11:44 pm

  8. Rebecca said,

    I would have been talking so much, you'd wish I would shut up! I'm almost always the nervous chatter in a dr's office.

    The obviously didn't know who you are or else they would have been engaging YOU in conversation.

    The breast photogenic comment was amazing and when I go in for my breast exam, I might just have to use it!!

    My OBGYN does the first mammogram at 35 then the next at 40 and yearly thereafter. So, that means NEXT YEAR, I have to get one…..Only I only have a 36AA cup and I really don't think they could make them fit on the smash em up machine.

    I also have other problems that makes me think I might need to get something else…….He said he's going to look into it to see what would be the best means of looking at my boobs is available.

    | December 15, 2009 @ 11:51 pm

  9. Sarah @ Spilled Sweet Tea said,

    Yeah I think Sandra Lee is a bit of a rip off.

    I've never had eggnog. I thought it was always supposed to have alcohol in it though… Otherwise, whats the point?

    | December 15, 2009 @ 11:56 pm

  10. Laurie said,

    dammit! I just ordered all three of your books off amazon 2 days ago… wish I had them autographed, phooey.

    | December 16, 2009 @ 12:00 am

  11. KAM said,

    I always wonder how in the world that woman got a show, when she basically doctors up boxed food. I also always think to myself that she needs a much better bra, her boobs hit her belly button…that might have been a good discussion while waiting for boobie squeezing action, except that you were surrounded by fun haters. Boo to the fun haters.

    | December 16, 2009 @ 12:30 am

  12. Miss Spoken said,

    Sandra Lee is the Food Network's answer to Vanna White. Something creepishly Stepford about her.

    | December 16, 2009 @ 12:32 am

  13. Count Mockula said,

    I completely agree about Sandra Lee, and I would have laughed. Incidentally, there's a great Cake Wrecks post starring her.

    http://cakewrecks.blogspot.com/2008/11/watch-cake-being-wrecked.html

    | December 16, 2009 @ 12:41 am

  14. Suzy said,

    As one recovering alcoholic to another, bourbon (whiskey) is the preferred egg nog additive. Rum is kind of gross tasting.

    Now where's my show?

    PRE BOILED EGGS? I finally found someone lazier than me.

    | December 16, 2009 @ 12:45 am

  15. Jen said,

    I hate Sandra Lee. If you see her show a few times you'll notice that they change the whole kitchen's decor for every episode…it makes me hate her even more.

    | December 16, 2009 @ 2:51 am

  16. Anonymous said,

    I love how the holidays are focused around BOOZE! Every party you attend, your family, etc. It is all about drinking and eating. I am trying to stop and GOD help me, this is no FU–ING help!!!!

    | December 16, 2009 @ 2:59 am

  17. Cass said,

    I would TOTALLY watch Aunt Becky's cooking show. Also? Sandra Lee has great knockers. I'm just saying.

    | December 16, 2009 @ 3:58 am

  18. Anonymous said,

    I just found your blog and I have laughed a lot. I will definetly be buying your books. Thanks for a good laugh! I wish there were more ppl like you in waiting rooms, they really are a drag.

    | December 16, 2009 @ 6:10 am

  19. Juli Ryan said,

    I have comedy Tourettes too. I bought your book on Amazon, because they have gift wrap. xo

    | December 16, 2009 @ 7:54 am

  20. Shannon said,

    SHIT, I'm all over SEMI home-made. My show would be called, "Straight out of the fuckin' box!, you got a problem with that biotch?" SIKE! Hey, I feel funnier these days, even if NO ONE else finds me amusing. My audience consist of a 4 1/2 yr old and a 15 month old. The give me wierd looks. I had an appointment with the titty-smasher a few months ago, it was horrible. No one cracks a smile. It's like roll-call at an army base. Jeesh!

    | December 16, 2009 @ 12:58 pm

  21. SHannon said,

    P.S.S.
    Did you ever find it funny that Sandra Lee is like what 50 and doesn't have a man or kids? Is it because she's too busy changing the decor in her kitchen before EVERY FUCKING SHOW???????? Just wondering???? She is such a prissy bitch.

    | December 16, 2009 @ 1:05 pm

  22. nikki said,

    I HATE Sandra Lee. Someone wrote in to Food Network last year asking how to make a pumpkin pie with fresh pumpkin. So they had that effing Sandra Lee answer it. Her solution? Use canned pumpkin! What a twat.

    | December 16, 2009 @ 1:53 pm

  23. Kacie said,

    Awww! I would have laughed…probably.

    | December 16, 2009 @ 2:35 pm

  24. SUEB0B said,

    I am a good audience. Invite me along next year. If I still have health insurance by then.

    Sandra Lee. Feh. I am a real cook, so I despise her. I have a memo for her: putting Kool-Whip on stuff does not make it a dessert. It is just stuff with Kool-Whip on it.

    Someone did that at church snacktime though – cut up twinkies and put Kool-Whip on them and people thought it was GENIUS and GREAT. Maybe I oughta lower my standards.

    | December 16, 2009 @ 3:55 pm

  25. Sarah @ BecomingSarah.com said,

    I would have laughed at the boob joke.

    | December 16, 2009 @ 4:32 pm

  26. Sabreena said,

    I would have totally laughed at your jokes and agreed with you about that show. Why do people always have to have a stick up their ass in waiting rooms? Your not going anywhere anytime soon, might as well enjoy a little comraderie while you wait.

    | December 16, 2009 @ 4:39 pm

  27. Steph said,

    Not a huge Sandra Lee fan myself, just a bit too fake and lame for my tastes.

    | December 16, 2009 @ 6:53 pm

  28. katarina said,

    I would totally laugh at your jokes in the waiting room of my doctor's office. And Sandra Lee sucks. Semi-homemade shouldn't be allowed it's own show. If people like things semi-done I could make millions on my own show called "Semi-Clean House."

    | December 16, 2009 @ 8:35 pm

  29. Rebecca said,

    A Blog post, I'd like to read….

    How are writers paid? Does the publishing company pay a small salary to keep you on staff and then pay you some sort of writing allowance once you turn in a book? Do you make $$ per book sale? Does it matter who sells the book? Would you get more money from Target/Wal-Mart/online book stores, Borders, etc, or is it the same? What about electronic readers, how do they come into play when you are thinking about money? What about libraries? If a library buys your book is the money different? What about each time the book is checked out, do you get an extra dime? What about if someone would STEAL your book? The stores normally have a bit of insurance to protect them against thieves….but what about YOU??

    These things were really keeping me up a few nights last night.

    | December 16, 2009 @ 9:53 pm

  30. Steph@MyHormonesMadeMeDoIt said,

    I wondered why I sort of like that Sandra Lee myself, but I think you just pretty much clarified it for me. It must be the fact that I abolutely CANNOT cook, I forget how long to bake potatoes, but I watch her and she convinces me that buttering my husband's bread has turned me into Julia Child. I am going to remain delusional and turn her on while I wait for my husband to bring home the takeout.

    | December 16, 2009 @ 11:24 pm

  31. Anonymous said,

    Um, I know this is kinda off topic, but….Trader Joe's sells already hard-boiled eggs?!

    | December 17, 2009 @ 12:00 am

  32. Jacqui said,

    What about the episode where Sandra Lee made "Soda Cake?" She made a cake out of a box, cut a hole in the middle of the cake, and stuck a can of soda in the hole. No joke. My mom saw it too. The bitch is insane. Her dad must be a producer.

    | December 19, 2009 @ 9:28 am

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