Last week I was sitting in a cold office waiting to have a mammogram with a smattering of bored, stiff looking women and a random dude. The television above us was showing a cooking program on the Food Network. The host of the show Sandra Lee, was giving a “fantastic” recipe for egg nog which consisted of pouring store bought egg nog into a big bowl and adding dark rum.
Now, don’t get me wrong, back when I was drinking I thought that was an incredibly tasty recipe and I enjoyed it all through the season and may have actually shed a few tears when the last quarts of egg nog left the store shelves. But now that I’m slightly more clear headed, I wouldn’t get so excited as to call adding rum to already made egg nog a recipe. Possibly a serving suggestion. But this Sandra chick has a lot of nerve. Look, I buy hard boiled eggs pre boiled in a bag from Trader Joe’s and I have been known to mash them up and add some mayo and then spread it on toast. I have referred to this concoction as egg salad but I would never be as bold as to suggest that I have my own cooking show so that I could share this “recipe” with people watching me while they wait to have their annual breast exam.
The whole thing was sort of laughable so I decided right then and there to point it out to the other people waiting to have their boobies stuck in a vise. I thought maybe we could all have a good chuckle. Hey, it’s the fucking holidays!
“Did you guys see what I just saw?” Nothing. No one even looked up.
“That woman just said to add rum to egg nog and it was on a cooking show!” Crickets. So I just kept going because I have comedy Tourettes that way.
“I mean, that seems pretty obvious is what I’m thinking. Who would drink just plain egg nog? That’s gross. Of course you’re going to add rum. Unless you’re me. I can’t have rum. I’m an alcoholic. I haven’t had any booze since May. It’s been tough but I’m sort of used to it now. Once in awhile I still really crave Xanax. Like right now.” Okay, maybe I only said the first sentence but the fact is I was trying to make conversation with a room full of strangers and they were having none of me.
Finally one women looked up and said “The show is called Semi Homemade with Sandra Lee” as if it was my first time visiting this planet.
“Hmm…to me, that doesn’t seem even semi homemade. It seems completely store bought.” I’m sure she was completely regretting having engaged me.
“You don’t buy the whole thing pre-made. You have to mix the rum into the egg nog.So that does sort of make it a recipe.”
“And that deserves its own show?”
“It’s a good show.” With that she went back to her In Touch Weekly magazine. I figured I should knock off the trying to be amusing but I’d had way too much caffeine and I had no reading materials. I managed to last until we all got brought back to the waiting area where we sat in our little front closure tops waiting for our x-ray.
“I’d be more nervous but my breasts are incredibly photogenic” I announced to all six other women.
I got one laugh. And it was from the Sandra Lee fan. Hey, I’ll take it.
Also, my results came back clean.
By the way, you know what would make an awesome holiday gift? My books. If you order them off of the Comedy Nerds website (click over to your left) you will get an autographed copy.