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A Bubble Bath Ain’t Gonna Cut It

I’m leaving tomorrow for DR. OZ. The producer who came to do the “at home with Stefanie Wilder-Taylor – let’s watch her ‘not drink’ in her natural habitat” asked me if I was tired of talking about this subject.

At almost five months sober now, the newness has worn off and the fact that I can’t drink is not something I think about, worry about, obsess about on a daily basis. I’ve socialized, dealt with sleepless nights, toddler tantrums, and many tough evenings without the aid of Mama’s Wine and the anxiety which was hitting me in fits and starts has worn off. To be honest, I wasn’t confident it would. I couldn’t tell you that it would get better because even though people said it would, I couldn’t feel it for myself. All I knew was that even if I continued to miss the relief that I thought was contained in my evening Pinot Grigio, I wasn’t going to drink. That’s what I held on to – no drinking no matter what. I didn’t replace it with warm milk or a bath with stupid rose petals or anything like that. Hey, if it was that simple, no one would drink right? There is nothing that can take the place of a sweet shortcut like wine or Xanax. The trick is to take the long way.

But life got better.

I can look at pictures of my family and not experience this vague inkling that I’m living someone else’s life. Explaining that feeling isn’t easy. It’s not depression although I have felt that in the past, it’s not all anxiety although I have had more than my share. It’s more like a vague disconnect -some sort of denial -and a feeling that having a few glasses of wine was somehow going to help me sort it all out.

Here I am, not drinking and I realize now that it doesn’t really matter why I was drinking, it just matters that I stopped. It doesn’t matter how bad or not bad the problem was, only that it was in fact a problem for me. I’m so happy to be clear headed every night when I go to sleep and the newfound appreciation for my life exactly as it is right now is a bonus.

So, no, I guess I’m not tired of talking about it. I was interview by the producer sitting in my living room and I teared up like a big baby. So the Stef that you see on Dr. Oz may try to be a smart ass, snarky bitch but you will all know that I’m secretly kind of a pussy. And if they use that part of the footage, everyone else will know too. DAMMIT.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on September 30, 2009 10:16 pmDrinking29 comments  

29 Comments

  1. Chris Mancini said,

    You can being a smart ass, snarky baby, you know. It's not one or the other. Good luck on thow show!

    | October 5, 2009 @ 11:33 pm

  2. Logical Libby said,

    Ask him if he has any clothes that aren't scrubs. I mean, unless he isn't wearing scrubs. Then ask him if he is selling out for "the man."

    Good luck!

    | October 6, 2009 @ 12:18 am

  3. Lisa Page Rosenberg said,

    Five months kicks ass. (A real pussy couldn't have done it.)

    | October 6, 2009 @ 12:40 am

  4. Anonymous said,

    I can't wait to meet you. You go girl!! I can't beleive it has been 5 months. Good luck on the show, Also thanks again for the tickets
    see ya there..

    Joann

    | October 6, 2009 @ 12:44 am

  5. kyslp said,

    Good luck on the show.

    | October 6, 2009 @ 1:27 am

  6. maggie, dammit said,

    I adore you. You continue to be this (ridiculously good looking) lighthouse for me. Thank you.

    | October 6, 2009 @ 1:33 am

  7. Beth said,

    Amazing post. Very inspirational. You are amazing. I'm looking forward to seeing you on Dr. Oz!!!

    | October 6, 2009 @ 3:15 am

  8. Robin said,

    I get it. The clarity. The going to bed clear-headed and waking up the same way. The kids and spouse standing out as the beauty they are. Maybe it took standing on the other side of the fence to really see what was missing. I applaud you. Good luck on the show. Snarky woman.

    | October 6, 2009 @ 3:16 am

  9. Shannon said,

    I got your back! I wish I could actually be there to support you in person. If I didn't live halfway around the globe, I would be there! I have no doubt you will knock em dead! I love ya! and am rootin' for ya! Good Luck!

    | October 6, 2009 @ 12:20 pm

  10. Piccinigirl said,

    can't wait to see you on Dr Oz. I think you're amazing. I wish I could get some time off tomorrow to come to NYC…it would have been awesome to have you sign all my books. :)

    GOOD LUCK!!!!!

    | October 6, 2009 @ 1:45 pm

  11. Jen @ After The Alter said,

    My mother in law will be at the show! They wouldn't take me because I'm not a mom yet:( Anyway….I am a big nightly wine drinking to "unwind" and I have been trying to cut back because I hope to get pregnant soon…but I have been drinking Celestial Seasonings "sleepy time" tea…and it really really helps me relax and sleep! Just thought I'd share!

    | October 6, 2009 @ 2:13 pm

  12. help4newmoms said,

    You are a brave girl to go "full frontal" on this subject. Your honesty is going to help a lot of moms. Can't wait to see it, you are going to be fantastic!

    | October 6, 2009 @ 5:58 pm

  13. Uncommon Julia said,

    Don't worry – I suspected you were a pussy all along. 😉

    | October 6, 2009 @ 6:00 pm

  14. Rebecca said,

    And that, my friend, is why I am so in love with you.

    Maybe you can mention that you have a few (at least me) fat mommy friends who need to lose weight. Maybe he'll send us all personal chef's, personal trainers….for our personal use so that we can get a little help shedding 30 pounds of baby weight.

    Tell Dr Oz that Oprah wants to bang him. That would be so funny!

    | October 6, 2009 @ 7:02 pm

  15. Amanda said,

    Congratulations! Can't wait to see you on TV. You're doing great – you have a lot to be proud of!

    | October 6, 2009 @ 7:13 pm

  16. MyHormonesMadeMeDoIt said,

    And here I was dreading giving up wine during pregnancy…now that is a pussy.

    | October 6, 2009 @ 9:22 pm

  17. Lisa said,

    Good luck on the show! Don't forget to post a link after…

    | October 6, 2009 @ 9:31 pm

  18. Stillie said,

    I'm still proud of you! 5 months is an accomplishment. It doesn't seem that long, and yet it seems like a new lifetime ago, huh?

    Congrats, woman. For the ongoing sobriety and introspection, AND scoring another interview!

    | October 6, 2009 @ 9:43 pm

  19. Dorothea Coelho said,

    Why do I feel so guilty and thirsty at the same time? Good work, though. Can't wait to see you rub up next to those man boobs wrapped in a long sleeved silk shirt. I miss Dr. O's scrubs.

    | October 7, 2009 @ 12:02 am

  20. Wicked Step Mom said,

    Congrats and be proud of your accomplishments.

    Quitting any addiction is hard work and should be celebrated. I would give you a high five, but the CDC says you can spread swine flu that way. So, you will have to deal with a long distance wave. :)

    | October 7, 2009 @ 1:47 pm

  21. Rebecca said,

    Came by (via Cecily @ Uppercase Woman) to offer my congrats on your sobriety and to tell you I'll be praying for you today during your taping!

    | October 7, 2009 @ 3:52 pm

  22. Shannon said,

    "Here I am, not drinking and I realize now that it doesn't really matter why I was drinking, it just matters that I stopped."

    you nailed it right here. So many people have been surprised by Ben's decision to stop drinking. You don't have to be so far into an addiction that you are worthy of the show Intervention for it to be impacting your life. So many people seem to be "functioning" members of society, but are not functioning within their own families as well as they could be, as well as their kids and spouses deserve. I am so thankful that both of you had the awareness to make a change before the damage was irreversible. It shows incredible strength and determination.

    I am glad you are reaching the point where the constant daily struggle is starting to wane and the results are coming to light.

    | October 7, 2009 @ 8:46 pm

  23. Anonymous said,

    Thank you for continuing to talk about giving up the chardonnay,as it were. I've been reading your blog for a couple of months now, and it's finally sunk in that it can be a problem without being a falling down drunk. I think I'm ready to give up my own glass now. Thanks for helping me admit my problem to myself.

    | October 8, 2009 @ 3:14 pm

  24. krisitn in phx said,

    i cannot wsit tosee the show. isn't is wonderful? the clear headed appreciatn for your lifr, right now, in the moment? 5 mo..no small feat. xokh

    | October 9, 2009 @ 1:59 pm

  25. Anonymous said,

    I love u, but u need to post more often! I so look forward to your blog!!! I am recovering too, thanks to you. I am a needy follower, please write more!!!!

    | October 13, 2009 @ 2:20 am

  26. Wishing 4 One said,

    I'll say it again….Make sure you watch his eyes, see if they travel to your booby region, i swear he does this! Good luck and post a link so those of us outside civilization can view it online. Although we do get Oprah a day late here in Cairo! xoxoxoxo Safe trip girl!

    | October 14, 2009 @ 5:11 pm

  27. Geezees Geezees Custom Canvas Art said,

    i like him a lot…congrats on how far you have come…bravo!

    | October 14, 2009 @ 9:59 pm

  28. Alex said,

    Go girl! Yes, it's time to kiss Mr Wine goodbye for six weeks (cheated on the first six weeks)…stupid fitness challenge.

    You are amazing thanks for sharing your story.

    | October 15, 2009 @ 4:08 am

  29. Anonymous said,

    I am not the mom of young children. All mine are grown. I saw you on Dr. Oz and I was riveted. I need to know just how did you stop? I think about what I will do when I walk in the door after work and what I normally do is poor a glass of wine, then sit down and make my plan for getting the tasks done that evening. My problem is that I can't imagine what I would do if I didn't do the first thing which is to pour that first glass of wine. I know I need to quit, it is not benefiting my health or my life. So please tell me how you did it? I decide every day I will not have the wine today, but I have not been successful. God bless you for opening up and offering hope to those of us who desire to no longer desire but continue to desire to drink our wine.

    | October 28, 2009 @ 12:02 am

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