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Dear David Hasselhoff

Dear Mr. Hasselhoff,

Actually, may I call you David? I’m assuming I can because you seem super down to earth and not held up on formalities –in fact, since we’re being casual, maybe I could just call you Hoff –since that’s what I call you to my friends. Okay, so it’s settled, Hoff it is!

Here’s the thing, Hoff, I wanted to touch base with you because it’s recently come to my attention that I have a problem with alcohol and due to a certain Youtube video featuring you sans shirt eating a burger on the bathroom floor, I know you have struggled with the hooch in the past as well. I was thinking we could possibly hang out and “not drink” together; Scrabble? Badminton? Poker? Any of these activities pique your interest? I just think that we could have a good time and possibly be a positive influence in each other’s lives.

I know to the casual observer it might not seem like we have much in common beside our crazy love of booze but I prefer to think of our similarities rather than our differences. For instance; you’re huge in Germany, I’m… pretty well known at my Encino Trader Joe’s –let’s just say I’m on a first name basis with the lady who mans the sampling station! Oh, there’s more; you starred in Baywatch for many years and I once rollerbladed right past the spot where you were filming the show! Seriously, right past. Okay, I don’t know for a fact if you were filming the show at that exact time because there weren’t any “production vehicles” or “cameras” per se, but I did see a lifeguard stand and someone in a red bathing suit who looked a lot like Pam (Anderson) (well the blonde part) –you know what – whatever – I’m not on trial here. Let’s move past that.

According to Wikipedia, where I get all my important information, you once did a movie called Legacy which also starred a Filipina actress named Chin Chin Guitierrez. Um, just so happens that I eat in a restaurant right here in Los Angeles called Chin Chin all the time. Although it’s not Filipino food, it’s Chinese, but they make the most fabulous chicken salad and steamed dumplings. If you order the dumplings, ask for the garlic soy dipping sauce though because otherwise they’ll just bring you regular soy sauce which is not nearly as tasty. I bet you already know that because I think you might live in LA –just another thing we have in common! This is getting downright crazy! We’re absolutely meant to be sober buddies.

Oh, you know how you used to drive that talking black Trans Am in your show Knight Rider? Well, guess who else drove a black car? Yes sirree bob. I drove a black Volvo S-60 for a number of years until I had twins and was forced kicking and screaming into a silver Honda Odyssey. My husband still gets to drive the Volvo though, which I’ll admit causes some resentment. I mean, why should the sweet ride (a practically new 2001 with only 62,000 miles on it) be considered “his” car now? Are the kids “my” kids? No. This is probably something that deserves further investigation at another time. Maybe when we get together you can give me your thoughts.

So, I know you have a lot going on as do I, Hoff. But, I feel we need to put our sobriety first and if that means leaving some things on the back burner so we can get together and talk then that’s what we need to do. What’s happening with America’s Got Talent? Are you still hosting that? If so, maybe I can come down to the “set” and we can kibbitz. Also, I have a cousin who is a wonderful balloon animal artist and if it wouldn’t be a bother, maybe you could get him through the first “civilian” rounds of auditions and straight to the show? Take my word for it that this guy is good! I’ve seen him make a snake that would knock your socks off! Just give me a time and I’ll be there wearing my “Don’t Hassle the Hoff” t-shirt as long as you promise not to wear leather pants.

Stay off the sauce,

Stefanie Wilder-Taylor

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on August 18, 2009 8:06 pmDrinking,The Hoff57 comments  

57 Comments

  1. Rebecca said,

    Aaahh, thanks for the fix Stefanie! I just felt that nice little heady rush I get when I read a new post.

    The Hoff, is probably like the people at Shark Tank…..you can contact them and contact them, but they never respond. Jerks.

    | August 18, 2009 @ 8:23 pm

  2. MommaKiss said,

    Just wanted to say I linked you today.

    Love your blog, your pictures, your humor, your strength!

    | August 18, 2009 @ 8:42 pm

  3. Badass Geek said,

    What could be more fun than to eat cheeseburgers and cake off the bathroom floor with the Hoff, though?

    | August 18, 2009 @ 9:03 pm

  4. Suzy Voices said,

    I am loving this!! You and The Hoff sound like the perfect match!

    | August 18, 2009 @ 9:30 pm

  5. Anonymous said,

    Hi.

    I'm in love with you. And your humour.

    Best wishes:

    Hank.

    | August 18, 2009 @ 9:43 pm

  6. Gilsner said,

    Oh Stef (can I call you Stef? I feel like I can call you Stef…lol), I love your letters!! They're totally my sense of humor (I think that's a compliment…), the world needs more 'us'… although it would probably disagree. It's kismet… I mentioned David in one of my old letters!

    If you get to hang out with the Hoff then I get to hang out with Matthew Perry. That's just the rule. I didn't make the rules. Oh wait…

    Anywho… proud of you! :)

    But seriously… if you see the Hoff, tell the Perr I say hi.

    | August 18, 2009 @ 10:01 pm

  7. Marcel said,

    Do you even know how many women have relapsed after the Hoff chewed them up and spit them out?

    Beware the Hoff.

    ~bhj

    | August 18, 2009 @ 10:27 pm

  8. Anonymous said,

    Getting off the sauce in your late 30's is nothing new! Too bad the Hoff didn't. How old is he anyway

    | August 18, 2009 @ 10:41 pm

  9. Aunt Becky said,

    You can have David Hasselhoff, but BACK THE FUCK OFF Hugh Laurie.

    Although, now that I think about it, I'm not sure if he has a substance abuse problem. He's just my boyfriend. And NOT yours.

    | August 18, 2009 @ 10:58 pm

  10. martini addict said,

    Hoff Rocks! Your're not going on any 'Intervention' show? Oh, right, we are way past that! Holla!

    | August 18, 2009 @ 11:14 pm

  11. Tara said,

    You crack me up! I love your sense of humor.

    | August 19, 2009 @ 3:48 am

  12. Fishsticks and Fireflies said,

    I wandered over from Aunt Becky's place, and OH LORD can I tell you how glad I did?!

    I met The Hoff the summer before my senior year in high school. Baywatch was apparently waining in popularity, because instead of a swanky meet-and-greet at a local hotspot, The Hoff was appearing at the local mall. My girlfriend and I were working as lifeguards at the local pool and were certain that the staff office needed a rescue buoy signed by David. To this day I am not sure which is more disturbing: the fact that we went to the mall to have David Hasselhoff sign a rescue buoy or the fact that he was so super stoked to do so – although in hindsight, that may have been due to the sauce.

    And I too drive a Honday Odyessy. I affectionately referred to it as the HO. Because nothing screams Supermom like yelling at your kids to, "Get in the HO NOW!"

    (And I love your honesty and straightforwardness. Good luck with the whole getting sober thing!)

    | August 19, 2009 @ 4:57 am

  13. Shannon said,

    AAAAAA Ha Ha Ha LMAO here!!! You are so freakin' funny! I fucking HATE the Hoff! I won't even eatch America's Got Talent because I can't stomache the bastard long enough to watch the show!! WTF??? How does he maitain a job with his arrogant personality??? Sauce aside; he is annoying. He thinks he is God's gift. A note to "The Hoff:" Please look in the mirror, you are getting old, obnoxious, and you can't carry a joke if it had a handle so give it up!! Find another job perhaps mopping floors at a local Burger King. You can collect all the scraps you find and sneak into the bathroom amd curl up the floor and eat what you find!!! Doesn't that sound like fun??? Bleh! By the way, the leather pants I don't think would look the same!! The vision I am getting is not a good one!!! :(

    | August 19, 2009 @ 12:18 pm

  14. help4newmoms said,

    I LOVE David Hasselhoff, always have, simply saying his name gives me pleasure. H-A-S-S-E-L-H-O-F-F. I'm smiling right now, I'll probably be smiling for the rest of the day, the rest of the week maybe. Thanks for bringing him up, Stef.

    | August 19, 2009 @ 1:18 pm

  15. Cass said,

    "whatever – I'm not on trial here"–LMAO! Well done.

    | August 19, 2009 @ 1:21 pm

  16. Serenity Now in Boston said,

    Dear Stefanie, A friend from the "club" just gave me your article from the NY Sunday Times and you told my story. You have given your beautiful kids a true gift in sobriety. I have 5 little kids (twins like you) and a sobriety date of May 17, 2008. Took me a long time to get here but i am enjoying the journey and look forward to sharing our stories of experience, strength and hope with others in need. If you have any contacts who are in need of a friend in Boston, I'm happy to help. Rock on

    | August 19, 2009 @ 1:29 pm

  17. Piccinigirl said,

    oh dear god, I'll be giggling all day.
    Thanks for that. :)

    You are the reason my husband keeps saying things like, "where do you come up with this stuff" and "since when are you so cynical?"…it's ALL you baby! :)

    | August 19, 2009 @ 3:48 pm

  18. Susan said,

    When you guys get together, PLEASE take the Volvo, not the van. If the Hoff sees the van, he'll put the moves on you, hoping to get you to roll around back there with the stale goldfish and he'll wave a bottle of peach brandy in front of you in an attempt to seal the deal. Take the volvo!!

    | August 19, 2009 @ 4:27 pm

  19. youngfeministmother said,

    Very funny!
    I am also a mother of twins and I can barely get it together to brush my teeth some days. I think you're amazing for keeping such a sense of humor and being able to share it with the rest of us.

    | August 19, 2009 @ 5:24 pm

  20. Catwoman said,

    Good for you for wanting to make new friends!

    But if he invites you over for burgers, don't go over, ok?

    | August 19, 2009 @ 7:09 pm

  21. edie said,

    Thank you for making me smile. I am also sober and enjoy your sense of humor.

    | August 19, 2009 @ 11:08 pm

  22. Carolyn...Online said,

    Whenever I see The Hoff's name I think to myself, "he's big in Germany." Why do we all know this about him?

    | August 19, 2009 @ 11:18 pm

  23. JRC said,

    Girlfriend, you need a hobby that doesn't include the Hoff Man. Just sayin'

    | August 20, 2009 @ 2:36 am

  24. Keeno said,

    heheh classic! I'd love to see the response to this.
    In fact I think if you caught Dave on a good day, he's have a good old chuckle at it.

    funny thing is… I was once in LA. for 8 days! So we're like…
    you know?

    I also made something funny about The Hoff – Here's a link to my youtube film. It's a bit of a giggle

    So I hope that you get a reply one day, or indeed bump into him and have a cup of chai or a smoothie

    cheers

    Keeno

    | August 20, 2009 @ 9:48 am

  25. fancydiane said,

    Congrats on giving it up, from a spiffy Grosse Pointe stay-at-home mom who quit at 50 when our boys were 15 and eleven.

    If you hold it, you will be gladder and gladder as the days stack up.

    I work a good program (no advise, all about listening, sharing light) if ever you want a new person to bounce ideas off of, on alcohol or otherwise. Now living in pasadena, CA.

    In all events, good luck to you . . .

    | August 20, 2009 @ 5:54 pm

  26. Noboozehere said,

    I was brought up by a narcissistic, deeply unhappy mother who was a "functional" alcoholic — which means she only got fall-down drunk at night, in front of her husband and children. The video of the partially clothed Hoff ugly drunk on the floor reminded me of Mom, except that she was never that happy a drunk, and she wore fewer clothes when she was really into it.
    When drunk, Mom was full of resentment for all she didn't have and felt she deserved (we were upper-middle class, but she wanted more), and that emotional acid was poured onto her children and husband. The things she said to me from the time I was old enough to understand them have ruined my life. There are hateful words and images that go to your core when you are that small. They can't be unsaid, and they can't be undone. The woman killed my capacity for joy.
    I am middle aged now. I don't trust people, I have struggled with my self confidence all my life, I have struggled with depression. I am long married, but can't feel much for my husband. I have cut myself off from friends. I have no children. But at least I have the good sense not to use alcohol — thanks, Mom. Any mothers who think it's funny and harmless to self-medicate around their children, should stop thinking of themselves and think of their children's futures. I grew up in the 1060's and early '70's. Alcohol and valium were free-flowing among the parents of my friends. Cocaine followed in the '70's. A mother in my neighborhood injected opiates daily — and legally — for pain. All of this went on around me, and my upbringing was considered to have been a privileged one.

    | August 20, 2009 @ 7:03 pm

  27. Heidi said,

    Thanks for the link, and well you know I am still drinking. The Hus quit so I had to pick up the slack.Later when I quit, E can pick up the slack.

    | August 21, 2009 @ 12:42 am

  28. Jenny, the Bloggess said,

    It's like you and the Hoff were born to be together.

    | August 21, 2009 @ 1:05 am

  29. Lynn Earley said,

    What total BS, on this blog…I left a comment, commenting on the fact that I really don't like what you're all about, and it was deleted? I didn't curse, or use bad language..I just expressed myself…what a load of doo-doo..
    so in the future, if I write a blog, and someone leaves a comment that isn't very flattering, I can delete it?

    | August 21, 2009 @ 6:00 pm

  30. BabyonBored said,

    Dear commenter Lynn, if you want to disagree with my opinions you are welcome to do so and I am happy to keep your comment up on my blog -key word: MY. You cannot make hateful comments or try to self promote because that is a waste of my, and all my readers' time. As to your question of "If I have a blog and someone writes some I disagree with I can just delete it?" Yes.

    | August 21, 2009 @ 6:42 pm

  31. Y said,

    I DISAGREE WITH THIS ENTIRE POST.

    I'm going to refresh every 5 minutes to see if you're going to delete this.

    | August 21, 2009 @ 9:44 pm

  32. Christina Tinglof said,

    Read the article about you in the NY Times…gave me lots to think about. Thanks.

    | August 22, 2009 @ 4:07 am

  33. Lynn Earley said,

    First things first.My comments were not "hate full" …I just really have a problem with women like yourself and Chelsea Handler, who have based your fame on your drunken exploits and your How Much I Love Booze rhetoric. Now thanks to Diane Shuler, Mommies Who Drink ain't so cool, anymore (they never were..) As for me mentioning my alcohol-free Smart Party, it wasn't to "promote." It has just been a part of my life, since 1991. ,,producing alcohol-free social venues for adults. As for me deleting comments on MY blogs (which I'm working on..) that's good to hear.

    | August 22, 2009 @ 1:26 pm

  34. Wendi said,

    Oh, Snapper. What happened to you?

    | August 22, 2009 @ 7:15 pm

  35. Susan said,

    I'm drinking a shot/toast to Lynn Earley. What the fuck?! Does she have that new disease where you have the overwhelming compulsion to continue reading blogs you don't like?

    | August 22, 2009 @ 8:58 pm

  36. Cassie said,

    Hmmm,

    Lynn Earley, can you name one instance of a "drunken exploit" mentioned in Stefanie's writings or the NY Times article that clearly brought you here? Unless I've missed something, she's been pretty consistent in citing 2-3 glasses of white wine at home at night as her sole alcoholic "exploit" which became a crutch for her when dealing with stress.

    To compare that to the most extreme example in recent history of a drunk and high driving mother is a pretty sad attempt.

    Sounds like you have some personal issues and wanted a straw man to rant at. Good luck with all that.

    | August 22, 2009 @ 11:22 pm

  37. MyHormonesMadeMeDoIt said,

    Oh the Hoff, I kind of forgot about him, thanks for the reminder, it was great for a laugh. He did peak with Baywatch didn't he.

    | August 24, 2009 @ 3:40 am

  38. Lynn Earley said,

    sounds like your readers have a lot of personal issues of their own to contend with…one's interests boasts "drinking alone'?..then they defend your choice to drink 3 glasses of wine a night..to de-stress from a tough day with the kids? whether you're sipping gallons of Chardonnay on the sly, in suburbia, or doing it public, in a bar, honey you still got a problem…especially if one of yr kids gets sick, and you have to drive a car, to go to a hospital..or any other home emergency..you'd be passed out on a sofa (like the Mommy doing the shots, in my name..)wild..how threatened you all are..afraid that somebody wants to take away their liquid drugs…so to all you closet cases, make sure you stay home..or else we'll be reading about you on the front page of the News…ps I don't need a straw man to vent at…speaking my mind, and telling truth, is more like that…good luck with the mean-spirited attitude…

    | August 24, 2009 @ 1:04 pm

  39. Anonymous said,

    Sounds like this blog drew in a lot of mommy witches. Or…something that rhymes. Stefanie you're the best!

    | August 24, 2009 @ 8:24 pm

  40. Cassie said,

    Uhh, Lynne: Not sure about 'defending' her choice to have 3 glasses of wine. I was merely distinguishing it from your initial attempt to say that she was boasting of non existent "drunken exploits."

    And, in case you missed it, Stefanie doesn't seem to be defending 3 nightly glasses of wine either: it was the reason she quit drinking. Ugh.

    If you really are a reformed alcoholic, it's sort of mysterious why you would seek out a blog written by a newly sober mom to pick a fight. You clearly have never read a single post here.

    I don't know you, but I can make a pretty informed guess that you have some anger or frustration issues that are popping out in the wrong places. Perhaps therapy or at least a kick boxing gym might be a better venue.

    | August 24, 2009 @ 8:37 pm

  41. Lynn Earley said,

    uhhh..cassie..I certainly didn't go looking for such baby /boring..cocky poo writings by yes you got that right… rhymes with…witches? After I read that ______ article in the Times, it annoyed me…so I googled SWT..and ended up here..
    as for me picking a fight, I'm just defending myself from attacks from frustrated types like yourself…me angry? you bet..and I explained why, several times…guess you were too hungover to grasp what I said…about someone who has sung the praises of drinking, booze, cocktails, wine, for years…..and made a name for hersef, by doing so,,,now because she's sober for 5 minutes, it's all "stay off the sauce" BS?
    just a suggestion…don't be taking other peoples (strangers , no less.) inventory…get a life…
    or better yet..go pop some valium, and chill out with some room temperature amarone…
    as for moi..I'm happy, centered, serene..heading off to the beach to take pictures and have some natural fun..certainly in a better place/space than you seem to be…

    | August 25, 2009 @ 12:59 am

  42. Cassie said,

    Lynne,

    You clearly have no idea what any of the people on this network of blogs spend the vast majority of their time talking about. Perhaps you should read some of the posts on this and other blogs, or read Stefanie's or some of the other bloggers books, which really have very little to do with drinking. But I doubt you will do that, because to do so would strip you of these boozy phantoms that torment you in the night.

    Just like AA, therapy and anti-depressants work if you work them, so work them, you…really seem to need 'em. Good luck with those and the closet full of demons you seem to have dragged with you here.

    | August 25, 2009 @ 3:37 am

  43. Anonymous said,

    Hey now. Stop the pissing wars. This is getting ugly. There's love enough for everyone. We're all doing the best we can. What's all the fuss about? This is a humor blog. Get it? Ha de ha ha ha.

    | August 25, 2009 @ 4:44 am

  44. heather... said,

    It's "funny" to me how the least-supportive people of Stefanie's decision to be sober are the people who once had problems with alcohol. Lynn, how are you better than Stefanie? Because you've been sober longer? I hope there wasn't someone like you around at the beginning of your sobriety journey.

    | August 25, 2009 @ 5:49 am

  45. Jen W said,

    Didn't The Hoff claim to be the reason the Berlin wall was knocked down?? Who wouldn't want to hang with that?!?

    | August 25, 2009 @ 1:01 pm

  46. Sassy Pie said,

    Comments like some of these make me a sad panda.

    Can't we all just hug and get along? Unless you have leprosy, in which case I don't want you hugging me.

    But if you're Stef, I definitely want to hug you. Cause you're made out of the cloth of win and awesome. I'd hug you even if you had leprosy… Maybe.

    | August 25, 2009 @ 3:50 pm

  47. Anonymous said,

    I just read an article about you in our local paper. I am a stay-at-home mom of 3 kids 4 and under. I have not been drunk in 9 years. I have not had a drink in 9 years. I can't believe it because this "mommy" gig is extremely challenging. I was really happy to see you are thinking about your drinking and causing other moms to think about their drinking. I have noticed a lot of moms drinking to cope with motherhood since I became a mom. I feel a little lonely because of it ~ most moms I've met drink to cope. I admire your honesty and if I can help you in anyway please contact me. I don't blog so I don't really know how this works.

    | August 25, 2009 @ 4:04 pm

  48. ang312 said,

    How anyone, ANYONE, in this day and age could fault someone for trying to kick an addiction is beyond me. Stefanie, you are an inspiration. You realized that you might have a problem and decided to do something about it. That takes strength and determination, and shows the LOVE you have for your family. I can't even kick my Mountain Dew habit, so, obviously.

    My mother was an alcoholic and later full-fledged perscription drug addict. She lost custody of my little brother and he committed suicide at 15. Addictions hurt everyone. I wish my mom could have found the strength to do what you're doing.

    Anyone with anything negative to say should really think about slinging that crap somewhere else and give this chick some support.

    | August 25, 2009 @ 4:46 pm

  49. LuLu and Moxley's Mom said,

    I see I've missed quite a party over here… My new favorite literary term, displacing "Grandmother's Hands" is "cocky poo."

    | August 25, 2009 @ 6:11 pm

  50. maydaywild said,

    Dear Lynn,
    Okay, I never do this but I will hate myself if I sit on the sidelines and not say anything. Um, where have you been all my life? No joke, my e-harmony profile said searching for "a woman who uses doo-doo and poo in comments on a blog. It takes a special type of lady to have the strength to do that, no matter that most adults don't use those words in every day life." Doo-doo really gets any point across, don't you agree? … Okay, but that's not all … I also have always wanted someone who isn't afraid to use ellipses when they write. Use them every sentence, I say. Some may say that's over use but to those people I say, you are so full of doo-doo you don't even know … lastly, I want, check that need, a person who is ready to keep speaking their mind even when it's obvious they are not listening nor care to listen to what other posters say but just spew their opinions as if they are iron-clad facts… why listen to someone who dares not to use ellipses … please tell me you're single so my post is not in vain or at least in a very troubled relationship, so I know there is hope for us, my sweet … I've been waiting for a girl like you … to come into my life. and if you're a guy, well that's okay,for something this special we'll make it work … (as long as you're not a fat guy)Let's not drink together and attack at will on the internet … until then … I count the hours my … sweet … angel.

    Just kidding. I'm okay if you are a fat guy. We will make it work!

    | August 25, 2009 @ 6:54 pm

  51. Rebecca said,

    Need Stefanie fix..please write

    | August 25, 2009 @ 9:07 pm

  52. RYak said,

    As a lifelong non-drinker and mother of two who grew up with two raging alcoholic parents, I have never agreed with the moms who thought it was OK to drink a cocktail or wine at a playdate. A defensive stance, to be sure. What I do applaud, however, is Stefanie's brave, public confession and sincere efforts to battle a problem that became unhealthy for her and her family. That ANYONE, especially a recovering alcoholic, would come to someone's personal blog and dispense such harsh judgements based on some purported higher moral standing is absurd and would appear to go against the most basic of tenets of every organization or support group or therapy that help people with alcohol or drug problems. Not the least of which is empathy, civility and support. The anger and defensiveness in Ms. Earley's comments do not sound at all like they're coming from a place of contentment and peace. It feels resentful. (In my humble opinion, as I do not know her personally) I sincerely wish Stefanie continued determination and strength in her continued journey of self-discovery. You've embarked on a difficult-to-precisely-navigate road and I give you a ton of credit for trying to make the positive changes that were never remotely considered by my parents. I guarantee your kids WILL be grateful.

    | August 25, 2009 @ 10:01 pm

  53. Kendra said,

    First, Stefanie, awesome letter! I am now off to write up all the reasons why David Duchovny and I are totally meant to be BFF; he just doesn't know it yet.

    And Lulu and Moxley's Mom, I think I actually snorted when I read your comment. I am now going to try to work "cocky poo" into every conversation!

    | August 25, 2009 @ 11:22 pm

  54. Mila said,

    Stefanie, I'm trying to email you… But can't get into my bf's mac email account that it sends me to when I click on the link "email". I really want to email you from my email account.

    Your number 1 stalker,
    Mila

    | August 26, 2009 @ 2:22 am

  55. BabyonBored said,

    Mila, it's babyonbored@gmail.com

    thanks to everyone for your nice comments. I'm still waiting to hear from sweet sweet Dave though.

    | August 26, 2009 @ 2:30 am

  56. Cassie said,

    Ahhh hell — Stefanie eventually is gonna write another post and everything we all have here will be over.

    Before that happens, especially since Maydaywild seems to be smitten and moving to seal the deal, I need to get this off my chest: Lynn, you ….complete me.

    | August 26, 2009 @ 4:06 am

  57. Jen @ After The Alter said,

    wow I just found your blog and am laught out loud over here. Great post and yes..looks like you and "The Hoff" have a lot in common:)

    | August 26, 2009 @ 7:40 pm

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