Dear Mr. Hasselhoff,
Actually, may I call you David? I’m assuming I can because you seem super down to earth and not held up on formalities –in fact, since we’re being casual, maybe I could just call you Hoff –since that’s what I call you to my friends. Okay, so it’s settled, Hoff it is!
Here’s the thing, Hoff, I wanted to touch base with you because it’s recently come to my attention that I have a problem with alcohol and due to a certain Youtube video featuring you sans shirt eating a burger on the bathroom floor, I know you have struggled with the hooch in the past as well. I was thinking we could possibly hang out and “not drink” together; Scrabble? Badminton? Poker? Any of these activities pique your interest? I just think that we could have a good time and possibly be a positive influence in each other’s lives.
I know to the casual observer it might not seem like we have much in common beside our crazy love of booze but I prefer to think of our similarities rather than our differences. For instance; you’re huge in Germany, I’m… pretty well known at my Encino Trader Joe’s –let’s just say I’m on a first name basis with the lady who mans the sampling station! Oh, there’s more; you starred in Baywatch for many years and I once rollerbladed right past the spot where you were filming the show! Seriously, right past. Okay, I don’t know for a fact if you were filming the show at that exact time because there weren’t any “production vehicles” or “cameras” per se, but I did see a lifeguard stand and someone in a red bathing suit who looked a lot like Pam (Anderson) (well the blonde part) –you know what – whatever – I’m not on trial here. Let’s move past that.
According to Wikipedia, where I get all my important information, you once did a movie called Legacy which also starred a Filipina actress named Chin Chin Guitierrez. Um, just so happens that I eat in a restaurant right here in Los Angeles called Chin Chin all the time. Although it’s not Filipino food, it’s Chinese, but they make the most fabulous chicken salad and steamed dumplings. If you order the dumplings, ask for the garlic soy dipping sauce though because otherwise they’ll just bring you regular soy sauce which is not nearly as tasty. I bet you already know that because I think you might live in LA –just another thing we have in common! This is getting downright crazy! We’re absolutely meant to be sober buddies.
Oh, you know how you used to drive that talking black Trans Am in your show Knight Rider? Well, guess who else drove a black car? Yes sirree bob. I drove a black Volvo S-60 for a number of years until I had twins and was forced kicking and screaming into a silver Honda Odyssey. My husband still gets to drive the Volvo though, which I’ll admit causes some resentment. I mean, why should the sweet ride (a practically new 2001 with only 62,000 miles on it) be considered “his” car now? Are the kids “my” kids? No. This is probably something that deserves further investigation at another time. Maybe when we get together you can give me your thoughts.
So, I know you have a lot going on as do I, Hoff. But, I feel we need to put our sobriety first and if that means leaving some things on the back burner so we can get together and talk then that’s what we need to do. What’s happening with America’s Got Talent? Are you still hosting that? If so, maybe I can come down to the “set” and we can kibbitz. Also, I have a cousin who is a wonderful balloon animal artist and if it wouldn’t be a bother, maybe you could get him through the first “civilian” rounds of auditions and straight to the show? Take my word for it that this guy is good! I’ve seen him make a snake that would knock your socks off! Just give me a time and I’ll be there wearing my “Don’t Hassle the Hoff” t-shirt as long as you promise not to wear leather pants.
Stay off the sauce,