Today marks 60 days on my sober calendar (which is a lot like the Chinese calendar except that no one’s birthday is the year of the cock). If that makes you think I’ve been doing this with the help of a 12-step program, you’d be right. I may be a cynical, sarcastic, non-joiner-upper type, but it doesn’t matter because above all else I wanted to quit drinking. And it’s working.
A lot of you have asked me questions about ditching the sauce in private through email (chickens) and I’ve answered every one of you. Because that’s how I roll! Non-drinking style! If you are someone who’s wondering how it’s going but didn’t want to email me and ask, I’m going to tell you: it hasn’t been easy. Wine, for me, was a friend, a lifestyle and (I thought) a choice. It’s difficult to explain to someone else why a few glasses of wine every night was a problem for me. Maybe if you could just see the every night part. That was the part I didn’t want to see but it’s also the part that was nagging at me. Why couldn’t I just go a night or two without that crutch? Why, even when I had a cold, a peaceful day, something pressing to do the next morning could I still not find a reason not to indulge? I didn’t know. Also, there was the whole unpredictable part – thinking I’d have a glass and having four.
The truth of the matter is that I’m sure I would’ve continued on but the wine wasn’t working that well anymore anyway. I thought I was dulling the anxiety of the day but I wasn’t feeling nice and safe and relaxed unless I had more and more wine. And even then not so much.
I, very simply, was unhappy and couldn’t see things getting better the way I was going.
Since I’ve stopped boozing it up, I’ve heard a lot about alcoholism being on the rise in mothers -either in the news or on Lifetime movies I can’t be sure. I believe the statistics are there but at the same time, I have a lot of trouble accusing parenting for my drinking habits or anyone else’s. I truly feel that there has to be some level of predisposition to any addiction. I’m no Dr. Drew Pinsky, but I don’t think that becoming a mother in itself can cause someone to become an alcoholic. Can stress push someone to drink in an unhealthy way? Sure. Stress can also cause someone to eat an entire triangle of double creme brie in one sitting or to momentarily consider buying a David Cook CD (I mean, not me!). But there are no 12-step meetings for people who crave ex-Idol albums – although, there clearly should be! We need to keep those people off the roads lest we accidentally hear Jordin Sparks blaring through their car windows.
I guess my point is that parenting is hard. But so are a lot of life conditions.
I’m not trying to downplay the role having premature twins, a toddler, and a good dose of post partum depression had in causing my unhappiness but at a certain point I knew that I was going to have to change something up and stop waiting to miraculously feel better about my circumstances.
It’s getting easier. I feel better, happier, clearer and best of all, a tad skinnier. Although, I have a raging cold right now and I just realized I can’t have Nyquil – my favorite pain go bye bye juice. I have a sneaking suspicioun that Dayquil just isn’t the same. Damn.