Like I said, you’re worth it.
Archive for May, 2009
I snuck out and bought chamomile tea today. I hope no paparazzi spotted me cause that would be seriously damaging to my rep. Just one of the few downsides to being sober, I guess.
In other news, in case you have been wondering why I don’t talk about TV anymore and you didn’t see me promoting the TV blog, that’s where it is, bitches. Bachelorette update is posted.
Thank you to the whole Internet for responding so kindly to what I had to share with all of you yesterday. My hands were shaking writing that post, I didn’t want to do it, I talked myself out of it a few times and then I just said, “Fuck it” (not too loudly because of the children) and typed it out really fast and then hit publish and immediately IM’d Becky and Y because they are the keeper of my secrets, the goddesses of everything good and told them I thought I was going to freak out and that possibly the whole wide world would judge me. They both told me that I was doing something that could possibly attract the judgment of assholes but that overall, people are good and would probably respond positively. What I didn’t expect was how supportive you all were.
It’s embarrassing to be all “Rah Rah Rah! Gooooo BOOZE!” only to zip off with my tail between my legs saying, “never mind, I’ve joined the other team” but it’s what I had to do.
I’m so glad that so many of you felt connected with me enough to email me privately and comment openly about your own struggles, triumphs and failures and to offer me support. Sure one person did say she was crying that I felt I couldn’t even drink a couple of drinks but I calmed her down and let her know that she’d be okay.
The hardest time for me is the witching hour. You know. Actually it’s right twenty minutes from now (6 p.m.) that my babies will start to melt and I’ll be wearing about seven hats at once making dinner, supervising a bathroom run, answering the phone, realizing what I forgot at the grocery store today and mainly listening to incessant crying. That’s when I want to reach for the glass of wine the most. But it will work out for me and for anyone else who is where I am. It will get better.
I just had to man up. I’m doing the right thing. But I can never thank you enough for letting me know it.
I talk about drinking a lot on my blog. I’ve talked about it a lot in my books. I really like to drink. I like the way wine softens the edges, smooths out the line between “their time” and “my time,” helps me to feel relaxed, helps me tune out. But I drink too much. I drink seven nights a week. Sometimes just a glass of wine but usually two or even three. I always seem to have some sort of excuse like “today was an exceptionally stressful day so I deserve an extra glass now that it’s all done.”
I drank often when Elby was a baby to help deal with the stress of a new infant. I found myself drinking more than I had before I became a parent and I drank with other moms to bond and unwind (yes, I’m the cocktail playdate mom and I stand by that being a healthy thing to do in moderation, in walking distance). Before I got pregnant with the twins I had pretty much stopped drinking because I felt it was becoming a habit so when I was pregnant, it was extremely easy not to drink. But when the twins were born and I was home and my milk was dried up and postpartum was setting in, the simplest thing to do seemed to be have a glass of wine.
It was only too darn easy to fall back into the pattern (especially once the babies started having a regular bedtime) of having my wine every night. For some people I’m sure this is a nice thing, a tribunal thing ( a drink at the end of the day with their spouse or friends). For others it might be a once in awhile treat to go out and have a couple of cocktails. For me, it’s become a nightly compulsion and I’m outing myself to you; all of you: I have a problem.
I quit on Friday.
I’ve wavered before on this issue thinking, “But lots of times I have one glass of wine.” Well, unfortunately, especially lately, most times I don’t just have one -sometimes I have four. And being compulsive, I can’t be trusted to “just cut down.”
I’m scared, of course, to put this out there. I’m also scared of not having alcohol as a crutch to relax at night. I’m scared I’ll just have to sit in anxiety, hearing every little noise the babies make, wondering if they’ll wake up, wondering if Sadie’s puked or if Mattie’s too cold or if I was a good enough, loving enough mommy to Elby today. I’m scared to have nothing to numb that ever present worry and my circular thinking. I’m afraid of always having to listen to myself think.
But I’m more scared that my consumption of alcohol will consume my life and I can’t afford that. I need to be present for my husband in the evening; I need to be fully reliable for all three of my children at all times and, for me, if I’m 100% honest with myself, I can’t do that if I drink.
I’m a little worried that parties will never be as much fun or that people will think I’m boring or or a little tense. But since I still plan to use the word cocksucker with wild abandon how boring could I be? Plus, the only person who is usually around me when I’ve had a few glasses is my husband and he says he likes me better sober (or “awake” as he so gently put it).
Sadie’s speech eval was this morning.
I was asked a shitload of questions to which the answer was always no:
“Does she point for things she wants?”
“Can she identify at least two body parts?” (not even one)
“Does she have any words besides mama and dada?”
“Can she do a simple command such as bring me the cup?”
“Will she imitate or identify animal sounds?”
“Can she identify a picture of a person jumping or running?”
“Does she recognize by name people not in her immediately household – like extended family members or friends?”
“Does she know ‘over’ and ‘under'” And many more, and while she asked this she watched Sadie walk around the playroom exploring the toys and complimented her on her love of music. The kid loves music! Especially rap.
Turns out…drumroll please…that my almost 18-month-old, babe scored at about 9 – 12 months (closer to the 9). Did I cry and say “that’s not possible! Not my Sadie! She can’t be that far behind!” No, I did not. Why? Because the new Zen me, realistically, knew that that’s about where Sadie is and the new Zen me is all about just getting her the help she needs.
Plus, there are some positives about a child who is quite behind speechwise:
1) Have you ever noticed that kids who talk a lot and repeat everything you say are annoying?
2) Pointing is rude.
3) Throwing things you don’t like to eat on the floor is such a direct and more honest way to communicate that you don’t want to eat something.
4) I enjoy a good guessing game.
5) Men love a quiet woman.
6) Maybe she’s just planning to think before she speaks which is something I should really learn to do.
7) She never interrupts.
8) Babbling is adorable and cute.
9) Hearing the word “mama” never gets old.
10) Speech therapy is free.