Sometimes I’m totally fine with how Sadie’s doing. Sometimes I forget that she’s the tiniest 16 month old I know. Sometimes I could give a shit when people exclaim “Oh my God, she’s so small!” when they hear her age and sometimes I feel embarrassed somehow like it’s my fault. I have this edge and this humor but underneath it is a lot of anxiety. Gee, that’s a shocker to those who know me and my blog, right? Wow, new information about how neurotic you are! Thanks for the newsflash. But have you ever felt like you’ve mislabeled yourself and you’re just now finding out your true ingredients? I always have thought of myself as an eternal optimist. When I was a teen-ager and felt so depressed that I can only describe it as walking under water, I may have does destructive behavior to deal with the anxiety and emotion but deep down inside I knew I’d survive. I always felt that I was strong. Stronger than any of the shit thrown at me (hey if you want details, read the memoir). But a survival instinct does not translate to parenthood.
When Sadie has a few good days I relax only slightly, fully expecting the bad days to soon follow. I know I put up a good front about it but inside I am sometimes worried sick when she shows so little interest in food. I have the best doctors caring for her. She is making progress despite her delays. She is gaining weight on her little curve (although we’re not seeing the big bump up in weight we were told would happen with the g-tube). She is a beautiful baby and don’t get me wrong, I appreciate her, but my antennae is always up and scanning – Is she eating less today? Why doesn’t she want to wake up this morning? Why is she pale? Why can’t she do algebra yet?Then I think, am I being paranoid? Is this anxiety making me imagine things that others aren’t seeing? Or do the doctors worry too but not want to worry me? Or do some of the doctors ( I won’t mention them by name – but one of them comes to my house every week, plays with a few toys (um, yeah, we are in possession of plenty of bright plastic objects ourselves, please don’t knock yourself out) and then dispenses some generic advice. “Keep doing what your doing!” Uh, yeah, that seems to be what we’re doing and it’s not working out so well. But other docs are better. Yeah, I’m a big bag of crazy and should probably go back to examining Idol.