Okay, so this is a few days late but I have a life. God. Let a person catch their breath. By the way, I think I will refrain from talking about the Bachelor finale because honestly, it was too annoying.
Jesse Langseth, “Tell Me Something Good”
You know I like this chick, weird personality aside. I was psyched that she was back to the point that I briefly considered using the word “psyched” outloud to describe my feelings about the situation. I wasn’t quite as crazy about the actual singing. I don’t think it’s the best idea to try to out sing a big black woman like Chaka Kahn. A big black woman will nine out of ten times out sing you and one out of ten times she will have a bad head cold. She should have sung a Paula Abdul song. She would have been a shoo-in. As it was, she didn’t make it.
Matt Giraud, “Who’s Loving You”
This is the bluesy piano guy that I thought would have made it in before but then his round two performance was as mediocre as a Wendy’s chicken sandwich. Now if he’d sang like a Wendy’s stuffed baked potato we might not even be here having to judge him in the wildcard round. Just saying. Anyway, he went back to being bluesy and SPOILER ALERT: got in. He’s the odds on favorite to show up wearing one of those 80’s skinny ties that look like a piano keyboard.
Megan Corkrey, “Black Horse and the Cherry Tree”
Like I said before, she’s good but there’s something sort of dirty about her. Like she just spruced herself up for the show with a few baby wipes in the back of a panel van. But Simon likes that sort of thing so, of course, she’s in. There’s always a contestant or three that Simon just wants to have sex with. I predict that she’ll get kicked out of the competition when a weird Youporn video turns up possibly called Black Horse and the Cherry Tree. I’m not sure what that means but it sounds gross.
Von Smith, “Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word”
The guy reminds me more and more of Rick Astley every time I see him and I hate Rick Astley. You know who else I can’t stand? The guy from Simply Red. So at least he doesn’t remind me of that guy but then again, he does because when I think of Rick Astley it makes me think of Simply Red guy. And then, if I’m in a really bad mood, that stupid song “This much is True” pops in my head and my whole day is shot. Thank you for not keeping him.
Jasmine Murray, “Reflection”
So you knew she’d get in right? Is there any point in even talking about her performance? But have you thought about the fact that the name Jasmine does not go with the last name Murray at all? Seriously. Think about changing one or the other but don’t leave both.
Ricky Braddy, “Superstition”
I thought he’d get in in round one but his spot was stolen by the spot welding guy. Too bad Braddy picked this song to sing because a guy doing Stevie Wonder is like a woman doing Whitney Houston, it’s probably not going to work out to their benefit. I’m kind of glad he didn’t make it in because that whole Braddy Bunch thing would have gotten old real fast. I mean older.
Tatiana del Toro, “Saving All My Love for You”
Tatiana kind of reminds me of Salma Hayak if Salma Hayak was from Puerto Rico, was a lot less attractive and was badly in need of mood stabilizer drugs. Remember like a minute ago when I said women shouldn’t sing Whitney? Well, more than that, they shouldn’t sing Whitney TWICE IN A ROW. Tatiana is truly insane which is why I was rooting for her madly. But I guess crazy is out this season. Maybe she and Sanjaya could put out a CD together. Or better yet, maybe Tatiana could take Paula’s place as a judge. Wouldn’t that be seriously the best thing to happen to Idol? You think Paula cries a lot, this chick would cry if someone handed her a sandwich. “Thank you!! Oh my God, thank you so so much for this peanut butter and jelly! I love it too much to even explain! Thank you…”
Anoop Desai, “My Prerogative”
I know some of you like this guy and that doesn’t make you a bad person; it just means you don’t have good taste. He doesn’t have a good voice, he has less charisma than a sea turtle and he can’t dress. Other than that, I guess he totally deserves to be in the top 13. Yes, apparently it was sooo hard for the judges to choose between Anoop Dawg and some other sucky singer that they went with 13. It’s like Anoop is on an episode of Fantasy Island and told Mr. Roark that all he wants is to be famous on that American Idol show. Now we need to wait and see how his dream goes so awry as to teach him a lesson. Again, you probably think I’m mean, but what you don’t know is that it happens to be ‘MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE NAMED ANOOP MONTH’ I’m just celebrating.