So I watched the third round of finalists and was asleep halfway through it -which is slightly embarrassing considering we had company – my brother and sister-in-law. Luckily, I had it TiVo’d so I could finish it this morning and report back to all of you. Aren’t I sweet that way? All right, enough chit chat, let’s get to trashing.
Von Smith: Von scored two points with me last night: 1) he wasn’t wearing a fedora and 2)he wasn’t screaming the song as if the entire audience was hearing impaired like he usually does. Unfortunately, he’s still horrible. Although, he’d definitely do great on cruise ships. Think about it: where else are you going to find that many hard of hearing people in one audience? Plus, he has the perfect cruise ship name. VON SMITH – appearing nightly on the Lido Deck.
Taylor Vaifanua: She sang an Alicia Keyes song which I love. But you can’t be the next American Idol with an unpronouncable last name. Maybe Von Smith has a chance after all.
Alex Wagner-Trugman: Somewhere a Dungeons and Dragons game is missing a wizard. This was the I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues dude and it was uncomfortable. He has approximately a zero chance of moving on.
Ariana Afsar: Abba song. Cute girl. Kind of good voice. If she doesn’t end up with a singing career she may possibly have a place as Tom Cruise’s next wife when the Katie Holmes thing doesn’t work out. Which it totally won’t. I mean, she’s Joey from Dawson’s Creek. Stop cutting your hair to try and look regal. You’re not a queen and you’re not Posh Spice.
Ju’Not: Plain White Tee’s as interpreted by a guy in a Member’s Only jacket. I wanted to like this guy but maybe I was starting to get tired at this point. Who am I kidding? I get tired by 10 a.m. It takes a little more to keep my attention especially when my attention is being divided between Ju’Not and cookies. Cookies will win every time. Especially Oreos- even the Trader Joe’s rip off Oreos.
Kristin McNamara: She was good, sort of bluesy but maybe too loungy and she looks like a vegan. She did a Tracy Chapman song. I think if your name is Kirstin or Kristy or Kirsten or Krissy you shouldn’t sing Tracy Chapman. Just my opinion.
Nathanial Marshall: He was the drama queen you all remember from Hollywood Week. He was wearing one of the worst fashion choices possible: A headband. Swear to God. Why would someone do something like that? I don’t know if we’ll ever know the answer to that but I do know this; he is not going to be the next American Idol. But he will headline a Rosie O’Donnell cruise.
Felicia Barton: I really liked her. She was the replacement for the girl who was “too famous” to be on the show. I’m sure the “too famous” girl is wishing to be a fraction of how famous Felicia is now. She sang Alicia Keyes too but she sang it well.
The Blind Guy: Everyone needs a gimmick right? If he’s not blind, he’s the craftiest mother fucker to ever go on this show cause I don’t think his singing is as awesome as everyone else does but he will get votes because of his story. And if he really is blind then the good news is he’s better off not knowing he sort of looks like Christopher Cross. Lest you think I’m just plain old mean, did you know that I bought a magazine subscription from a young man who came to my front door who said for just $50 I could help him and the other members of his organization stay out of gangs? Well I did. Do you want to see the cancelled check to prove it?? Jesus.
Kendall Beard: I watched her this morning so I was a little fresher. I thought she had a pretty voice and could definitely be a regular performer at Dollywood. She did a Martina McBride song and I like Martina McBride a lot. Like if I were to ever do Karaoke which I wouldn’t, I would do a Martina McBride song. Only not the one Kendall did because it was pretty dull. Never mind, I’d do a Crystal Gayle song “Don’t it Make My Brown Eyes Blue?” and I’d probably video tape it so I would remember because I’d probably be very very drunk and it would probably be on my 35th birthday…if that were to ever happen. Which, like I said, it wouldn’t.
Jorge Nunez: This is the guy from Puerto Rico – the one the judges told to lose the accent. So he did. Then Simon was all “never mind. You should keep the accent” to which Jorge was all “What accent? Oh you mean the one I spent ten thousand dollars on a dialect coach to get rid of, asshole?” and it went on from there eventually ending in fisticuffs. Okay not really but that would’ve been awesome. Luckily he has a great voice and will surely make it to the next round.
Lil Rounds: First off, she was the best contestant of the night. And she may win the whole darn thing. But, what’s with the name? And why does everyone keep pretending it’s such a cool name? Are they just trying to be politically correct? And why would you be an adult and let people call you that? Obviously, when she was young and just getting breasts, her brothers called her that as an insult. And it stuck. Let it go. I’m sure you have a real name on your birth certificate somewhere.