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American Idol Ribbed For Your Pleasure

So I watched the third round of finalists and was asleep halfway through it -which is slightly embarrassing considering we had company – my brother and sister-in-law. Luckily, I had it TiVo’d so I could finish it this morning and report back to all of you. Aren’t I sweet that way? All right, enough chit chat, let’s get to trashing.

Von Smith: Von scored two points with me last night: 1) he wasn’t wearing a fedora and 2)he wasn’t screaming the song as if the entire audience was hearing impaired like he usually does. Unfortunately, he’s still horrible. Although, he’d definitely do great on cruise ships. Think about it: where else are you going to find that many hard of hearing people in one audience? Plus, he has the perfect cruise ship name. VON SMITH – appearing nightly on the Lido Deck.

Taylor Vaifanua: She sang an Alicia Keyes song which I love. But you can’t be the next American Idol with an unpronouncable last name. Maybe Von Smith has a chance after all.

Alex Wagner-Trugman: Somewhere a Dungeons and Dragons game is missing a wizard. This was the I Guess That’s Why They Call it the Blues dude and it was uncomfortable. He has approximately a zero chance of moving on.

Ariana Afsar: Abba song. Cute girl. Kind of good voice. If she doesn’t end up with a singing career she may possibly have a place as Tom Cruise’s next wife when the Katie Holmes thing doesn’t work out. Which it totally won’t. I mean, she’s Joey from Dawson’s Creek. Stop cutting your hair to try and look regal. You’re not a queen and you’re not Posh Spice.

Ju’Not: Plain White Tee’s as interpreted by a guy in a Member’s Only jacket. I wanted to like this guy but maybe I was starting to get tired at this point. Who am I kidding? I get tired by 10 a.m. It takes a little more to keep my attention especially when my attention is being divided between Ju’Not and cookies. Cookies will win every time. Especially Oreos- even the Trader Joe’s rip off Oreos.

Kristin McNamara: She was good, sort of bluesy but maybe too loungy and she looks like a vegan. She did a Tracy Chapman song. I think if your name is Kirstin or Kristy or Kirsten or Krissy you shouldn’t sing Tracy Chapman. Just my opinion.

Nathanial Marshall: He was the drama queen you all remember from Hollywood Week. He was wearing one of the worst fashion choices possible: A headband. Swear to God. Why would someone do something like that? I don’t know if we’ll ever know the answer to that but I do know this; he is not going to be the next American Idol. But he will headline a Rosie O’Donnell cruise.

Felicia Barton: I really liked her. She was the replacement for the girl who was “too famous” to be on the show. I’m sure the “too famous” girl is wishing to be a fraction of how famous Felicia is now. She sang Alicia Keyes too but she sang it well.

The Blind Guy: Everyone needs a gimmick right? If he’s not blind, he’s the craftiest mother fucker to ever go on this show cause I don’t think his singing is as awesome as everyone else does but he will get votes because of his story. And if he really is blind then the good news is he’s better off not knowing he sort of looks like Christopher Cross. Lest you think I’m just plain old mean, did you know that I bought a magazine subscription from a young man who came to my front door who said for just $50 I could help him and the other members of his organization stay out of gangs? Well I did. Do you want to see the cancelled check to prove it?? Jesus.

Kendall Beard: I watched her this morning so I was a little fresher. I thought she had a pretty voice and could definitely be a regular performer at Dollywood. She did a Martina McBride song and I like Martina McBride a lot. Like if I were to ever do Karaoke which I wouldn’t, I would do a Martina McBride song. Only not the one Kendall did because it was pretty dull. Never mind, I’d do a Crystal Gayle song “Don’t it Make My Brown Eyes Blue?” and I’d probably video tape it so I would remember because I’d probably be very very drunk and it would probably be on my 35th birthday…if that were to ever happen. Which, like I said, it wouldn’t.

Jorge Nunez: This is the guy from Puerto Rico – the one the judges told to lose the accent. So he did. Then Simon was all “never mind. You should keep the accent” to which Jorge was all “What accent? Oh you mean the one I spent ten thousand dollars on a dialect coach to get rid of, asshole?” and it went on from there eventually ending in fisticuffs. Okay not really but that would’ve been awesome. Luckily he has a great voice and will surely make it to the next round.

Lil Rounds: First off, she was the best contestant of the night. And she may win the whole darn thing. But, what’s with the name? And why does everyone keep pretending it’s such a cool name? Are they just trying to be politically correct? And why would you be an adult and let people call you that? Obviously, when she was young and just getting breasts, her brothers called her that as an insult. And it stuck. Let it go. I’m sure you have a real name on your birth certificate somewhere.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on March 4, 2009 8:48 pmUncategorized13 comments  

13 Comments

  1. WA said,

    My God, you're on fire, woman! This is probably your most genius work to date. Honest. I'm calling the Pulitzers right now.

    And I agree about the blind guy. Have a naked woman walk past him & dude's gonna twitch, I just know it.

    | March 4, 2009 @ 10:38 pm

  2. Crap That Bugs Me said,

    What about when Paula asked Jorge to say something in Spanish and got all giddy?? Friggin A, just ask your god damn gardner Paula!

    | March 4, 2009 @ 11:11 pm

  3. DadGoneMad said,

    “Somewhere a Dungeons and Dragons game is missing a wizard.”

    Line of the week, Stef. That ruled.

    | March 4, 2009 @ 11:36 pm

  4. Aunt Becky said,

    I’m pretty sure that Nathaniel is going to be the next Richard Simmons.

    | March 5, 2009 @ 12:35 am

  5. jill said,

    first of all, damn you for making me want oreos. second of all, i think the blind guy did as well as most of the others, maybe better than screeching ‘blues’ dude. way to ruin an elton john song. especially one he sings with billy joel sometimes. and i thought Lil Rounds name was really lil as in lilly. but maybe not.

    | March 5, 2009 @ 1:21 am

  6. beyond said,

    started reading you fairly recently, a couple of months ago maybe, and i just wanted to tell you how much i’m enjoying it. did you see the wild-card picks tonight. at least they brought back one girl that i liked. have to get a cookie now.

    | March 5, 2009 @ 3:51 am

  7. becky w. said,

    Can I just say that you have added a whole new dimension of looking-forwardedness to my Idol watching experience?!! Not only can I now not miss a single minute of every show, I can’t wait to read every word of your recap. I know this comment is a little late because the results are in. So what is your take on the whole Tatianna thing? I am sure that the producers made them bring her back for the drama factor. I am also willing to bet that if Nathaniel had made it through, they wouldn’t have brought her back. I don’t enjoy anything about her, even gawking at the drama, and it makes me a little sad for contestants like Felisia who actually deserved another chance.

    | March 5, 2009 @ 1:48 pm

  8. Putty said,

    I wonder if Scott is relieved he didn’t have to compete against a deaf contestant, because deaf trumps blind in a singing competition. Although mute easily beats them both, which raises the question: is the world ready for a mute American Idol contestant. I vote Yes!

    | March 5, 2009 @ 9:14 pm

  9. Jennifer said,

    Christopher Cross! I said the same thing! You’d think the AI stylists would help his hair not look like cotton candy.

    | March 5, 2009 @ 11:31 pm

  10. Wicked Step Mom said,

    “Somewhere a Dungeons and Dragons game is missing a wizard.” Alex isn’t a wizard, he is a sorcerer. They are less powerful but don’t need to memorize spells. And this guy couldn’t memorize anything.

    Wow.. my dork is showing.

    | March 6, 2009 @ 2:18 pm

  11. Wishing 4 One said,

    OMG about Christopher Cross! You know what though, not my style or cup of tea, but he’s not that bad. I do think he is visually impaired in some way, i think. I am so waiting for your comment on the wild card show…they brought one of my favs back….i dig her the most. Not the best singer but for sure the coolest…i wonder if you diss her or not?

    | March 6, 2009 @ 8:17 pm

  12. ByJane said,

    omg! I never made it past The Blind Guy critique. Had to run and change the minipad I wear to catch the pee drips when I laugh too hard.

    | March 7, 2009 @ 10:00 pm

  13. Future Mama said,

    I can pronounce Taylor’s last name (just can’t spell it). She was my favorite, I’m sad she lost!

    | March 14, 2009 @ 3:16 am

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