It’s a sad sign of the times that the thing I’m most looking forward to, the thing that drives me, the thing that helped the weekend feel slightly less harsh is that tonight is fantasy date night on The Bachelor. Yes, sad. But kind of awesome at the same time. There’s just something about this season -the bland women, the simpiness that is Jason, the skivviness that is Jason being a dad, the possibilities that there will be insane drama (however slight) that has created a perfect storm of delight.
Is my life really devoid of other pleasures or is the Bachelor just that good? Perhaps I won’t know the answer to that until the season ends but until then, I plan to bask in it. What will happen tonight? Who will get kicked off? I honestly don’t know. I feel like it might be Molly due to her incessant blandness. But Jason’s no wildfire himself so maybe he feels lucky to have such an argyle sweater wearing, Clairol “Honey blonde/Golden brown” haired, sporty chick who looks great in his t-shirts yet gets together with her ex-sorority sisters religiously every summer for a spa weekend. If I’m wrong about that then I feel like Jillian will be the next to go.
There’s something about Jillian that is very cute, very down to earth, very guy’s girl that men either loooove or just want as a sister. If it’s the former then she just might win the whole thing. And by win I mean get engaged to Jason, get a little bit of press, and then eventually break up (read: break up immediately but have it leaked to the press after at least six months have gone by) because “we just didn’t have enough in common,” “she wasn’t ready to be a mom,” “she likes hockey too much” But I will say this: if Jillian wins I will be sooooo bored! Although, really, if any of these girls wins it will be anticlimatic.
Edited to say: Jillian is history. That leaves two “wonderful ladies.”
Here are the only scenarios that will be a truly satisfying conclusion:
Just as Jason’s about to propose to one of the amazing ladies, his ex-wife storms the gates of the mansion and says that if he remarries some floozy he met on a game show she will sue him for sole custody “and have you met my lawyer Gloria Allred?” Jason immediately breaks down in tears sobbing “Ty is the most important thing to me on this earth. I thought bringing him a new mommy from TV land would make him the happiest boy in the world but I now realize that he needs his real mommy.” They embrace and get remarried on the spot.
As Jason goes to get on bended knee and propose to Melissa, Miss “kitten kisses” Stephanie, comes out from behind a bush with a knife, drags Melissa off to a secluded area of the garden and holds her hostage until Jason agrees to “make what once was a broken family whole again” and pay for eyebrow tweezing for the rest of her life. She also admits that she used to be a man. Eventually a SWAT team comes in and attempts to take Stephanie out accidentally hitting a camera man instead causing the actual “most dramatic ceremony ever.”
After telling Molly that he has “absolutely fallen for her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her – but… he loves Melissa a smidgeon more” we pan over the the next limo only to see -not Jillian – but DeAnna. A very knocked up DeAnna waddles down the path to Jason who is surrounded by rose petals and tells him that the real reason she had to break up with Jesse is that she found out she was pregnant with Jason’s child. Since then she’s been in turmoil because although she only wanted to be an LA fame whore, this pregnancy has given her so much more…press and if Jason will only say yes, they can exploit this for all it’s worth.
If you have a scenario that would beat one of those, feel free to lay it on me.