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The Most Dramatic Bachlor Ending Ever

It’s a sad sign of the times that the thing I’m most looking forward to, the thing that drives me, the thing that helped the weekend feel slightly less harsh is that tonight is fantasy date night on The Bachelor. Yes, sad. But kind of awesome at the same time. There’s just something about this season -the bland women, the simpiness that is Jason, the skivviness that is Jason being a dad, the possibilities that there will be insane drama (however slight) that has created a perfect storm of delight.

Is my life really devoid of other pleasures or is the Bachelor just that good? Perhaps I won’t know the answer to that until the season ends but until then, I plan to bask in it. What will happen tonight? Who will get kicked off? I honestly don’t know. I feel like it might be Molly due to her incessant blandness. But Jason’s no wildfire himself so maybe he feels lucky to have such an argyle sweater wearing, Clairol “Honey blonde/Golden brown” haired, sporty chick who looks great in his t-shirts yet gets together with her ex-sorority sisters religiously every summer for a spa weekend. If I’m wrong about that then I feel like Jillian will be the next to go.

There’s something about Jillian that is very cute, very down to earth, very guy’s girl that men either loooove or just want as a sister. If it’s the former then she just might win the whole thing. And by win I mean get engaged to Jason, get a little bit of press, and then eventually break up (read: break up immediately but have it leaked to the press after at least six months have gone by) because “we just didn’t have enough in common,” “she wasn’t ready to be a mom,” “she likes hockey too much” But I will say this: if Jillian wins I will be sooooo bored! Although, really, if any of these girls wins it will be anticlimatic.

Edited to say: Jillian is history. That leaves two “wonderful ladies.”

Here are the only scenarios that will be a truly satisfying conclusion:

Just as Jason’s about to propose to one of the amazing ladies, his ex-wife storms the gates of the mansion and says that if he remarries some floozy he met on a game show she will sue him for sole custody “and have you met my lawyer Gloria Allred?” Jason immediately breaks down in tears sobbing “Ty is the most important thing to me on this earth. I thought bringing him a new mommy from TV land would make him the happiest boy in the world but I now realize that he needs his real mommy.” They embrace and get remarried on the spot.

As Jason goes to get on bended knee and propose to Melissa, Miss “kitten kisses” Stephanie, comes out from behind a bush with a knife, drags Melissa off to a secluded area of the garden and holds her hostage until Jason agrees to “make what once was a broken family whole again” and pay for eyebrow tweezing for the rest of her life. She also admits that she used to be a man. Eventually a SWAT team comes in and attempts to take Stephanie out accidentally hitting a camera man instead causing the actual “most dramatic ceremony ever.”

After telling Molly that he has “absolutely fallen for her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her – but he loves Melissa a smidgeon more” we pan over the the next limo only to see -not Jillian – but DeAnna. A very knocked up DeAnna waddles down the path to Jason who is surrounded by rose petals and tells him that the real reason she had to break up with Jesse is that she found out she was pregnant with Jason’s child. Since then she’s been in turmoil because although she only wanted to be an LA fame whore, this pregnancy has given her so much more…press and if Jason will only say yes, they can exploit this for all it’s worth.

If you have a scenario that would beat one of those, feel free to lay it on me.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on February 16, 2009 5:49 pmUncategorized15 comments  

15 Comments

  1. Kitchen Vixen said,

    LOL! I’m loving this season of the Bachelor, and have to say that I’m rooting for Jillian, but I would definitely take one of situations.
    What if, as Jason gets down on one knee to propose to (girl of your choice)dead doves mysteriously start raining down on him, knock him out and over the cliff that he mostly certainly will be standing on, strewing roses everywhere? That might be the most dramatic ending EVER.

    | February 16, 2009 @ 6:35 pm

  2. Cheryl Lage said,

    Feel better…I’m overly committed to Confessions of a Teen Idol AND Rock of Love Bus.

    I’m holding out hope that the finale of CTI has David Chocachi having a bit of overdue come-uppance and good news for Christopher Atkins…and dear heaven, I have selections of women that I want Bret Michaels to “end up” with, but not for too long, ’cause I want Season 4, Rock of Love, the Health Clinic.

    | February 16, 2009 @ 6:49 pm

  3. Mommy Melee said,

    I’m sort of living for Gossip Girl tonight. What has become of us?

    | February 16, 2009 @ 7:02 pm

  4. Anonymous said,

    I absolutely LOVE number 3! However, one thing you got wrong is that Stefanie needs eyebrow reconstructive surgery. They have that, don’t they? Hey, there’s our new business! We’ll make a fortune!

    | February 16, 2009 @ 9:16 pm

  5. Mrs said,

    You are so hilarious. I also blogged about how I am embarrased to admit that I watch it, but it is fun to poke fun at it too since it is so silly. Now I be thinking of creative endings as I watch tonight!

    | February 16, 2009 @ 9:22 pm

  6. E said,

    Ooh – I really like your DeAnna scenario. Frankly it’s the only way that I can see her return being even a little bit interesting.

    I suppose it would be fun if she came into the Final Rose Ceremony professed her love for TinyJ and got down on one knee to ostensibly propose and TinyJ says, aw hell no. Maybe with a nice backhand.

    | February 16, 2009 @ 11:39 pm

  7. Sarah said,

    Lol, I don’t watch the Bachelor but I’m starting to feel left out. I heard about what a great season it is on the radio the other day and a few friends have mentioned it and now it’s here! Lol. I hope it turns out however you feel is best!

    | February 17, 2009 @ 12:19 am

  8. LuLu and Moxley's Mom said,

    What if Mary (the one who wound up with the fisherman and has been drunkenly assaulting him ever since) shows up and punches out the remaining women and winds up winning the whole thing? She’d make a good mom. Remember, she wasn’t one of the originals on the fisherman season (what is his name??) but they flew in past rejectees like her and that hussy Heather who I think slept with Aaron in a hot tub. So this isn’t an impossible scenario…

    | February 17, 2009 @ 4:18 am

  9. SUEB0B said,

    All of the three finalists turn Jason down for fantasy-night sex and he is so mad that he decides that he can’t propose to any of them. The most shocking finale ever is Stephanie, who has revealed her manhood proposing to Jason’s ex. Jason’s ex says that, while she loves Stephanie’s six-pack abs and sparkly fashion sense, she needs a woman with more eyebrows and reveals her everlasting love for DeAnna. Jason gets to return for season three, the Third Strike Season.

    | February 17, 2009 @ 6:39 am

  10. Anonymous said,

    So now that Jillian is gone (you must be breathing a huge sigh of relief), who do you think will win the contest?

    | February 17, 2009 @ 6:37 pm

  11. zandor said,

    I don’t watch the bachelor, but I would definately watch if one of your scenarios happened.

    | February 17, 2009 @ 7:38 pm

  12. Putty said,

    As jason is about to propose, social services bursts in and takes him into custody for neglecting his son. Because this is such a public case, Jason is made an example of immediately and has a quickie trial, ending up at a maximum security prison for 5-10 years. As he enters his cell, he realizes he is still holding that last rose. What will the inmates do to get that final rose? It’s all coming up next season on “Prison Bachelor”!

    Maybe I should have typed “spoiler” as this is what actually happens.

    | February 17, 2009 @ 8:44 pm

  13. Heather said,

    So this is kind of crazy and has nothing to do with The Bachelor, but here we go. I was blog-hopping and stumbled on yours. I’m reading a few of your posts, laughing out loud, all-in-all enjoying myself. Then I read that you authored “Sippy Cups Are Not For Chardonnay”. I was quite excited. A few years ago, my sister-in-law was working at Time Out New York and brought me a sippy cup that said just that when my first daughter was born. It was my daughter’s favorite cup for quite a while. Small world, I am thinking. Then I see you have a daughter and twin daughters. Well, my daughter who loved the sippy cup is 3 and I had twin daughters in October. Anyway, I thought it was pretty crazy, but now that I type this out, I guess it is not that crazy. Maybe I need to get out more. What is crazy is that I got so excited I knocked over iced tea on my computer so hopefully it doesn’t crash. Because I really want to go and read more of your blog now. You know, in all that free time one has being the mother of three young children.

    Oh, and sort of related after all, I guess. But don’t feel bad about The Bachelor. My husband and I live for Rock/Bus of Love. Sad.

    | February 17, 2009 @ 10:30 pm

  14. Heather of the EO said,

    Oh how I love these posts.

    A friend and I talked on the phone today for at least twenty minutes about the Bachelor. Then I said, “I can’t believe we’re still talking about this.” And she said, “Yes, I know, we’re lame…but just one more thing…”

    Seriously, what has my life come to? I LOVE Mondays.

    | February 18, 2009 @ 11:32 pm

  15. GTR said,

    ut???,?????,???,??????,080?????,??????,?????,????,080???,080??????,6k???,?????,?????,??????,????,????,????,????,???,????,????,??,????,????,hi5,hilive,hi5 tv,a383,????,??,??,?????,????,sogo??,????,plus??,plus,????,?????,????,??,????,?????,??,AV,AV??,SEX,??,a?,a????,A?,h?,????,??A?,????,????,????,?????,??,????,?????,???,???,??,????,kk???,?????,????,85cc????,85cc????,????,?????,????,???,??,????,?????,A?,????,???,???????,???,????,????

    | August 26, 2009 @ 8:18 am

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