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Archive for February, 2009

The Most Dramatic Bachlor Ending Ever

It’s a sad sign of the times that the thing I’m most looking forward to, the thing that drives me, the thing that helped the weekend feel slightly less harsh is that tonight is fantasy date night on The Bachelor. Yes, sad. But kind of awesome at the same time. There’s just something about this season -the bland women, the simpiness that is Jason, the skivviness that is Jason being a dad, the possibilities that there will be insane drama (however slight) that has created a perfect storm of delight.

Is my life really devoid of other pleasures or is the Bachelor just that good? Perhaps I won’t know the answer to that until the season ends but until then, I plan to bask in it. What will happen tonight? Who will get kicked off? I honestly don’t know. I feel like it might be Molly due to her incessant blandness. But Jason’s no wildfire himself so maybe he feels lucky to have such an argyle sweater wearing, Clairol “Honey blonde/Golden brown” haired, sporty chick who looks great in his t-shirts yet gets together with her ex-sorority sisters religiously every summer for a spa weekend. If I’m wrong about that then I feel like Jillian will be the next to go.

There’s something about Jillian that is very cute, very down to earth, very guy’s girl that men either loooove or just want as a sister. If it’s the former then she just might win the whole thing. And by win I mean get engaged to Jason, get a little bit of press, and then eventually break up (read: break up immediately but have it leaked to the press after at least six months have gone by) because “we just didn’t have enough in common,” “she wasn’t ready to be a mom,” “she likes hockey too much” But I will say this: if Jillian wins I will be sooooo bored! Although, really, if any of these girls wins it will be anticlimatic.

Edited to say: Jillian is history. That leaves two “wonderful ladies.”

Here are the only scenarios that will be a truly satisfying conclusion:

Just as Jason’s about to propose to one of the amazing ladies, his ex-wife storms the gates of the mansion and says that if he remarries some floozy he met on a game show she will sue him for sole custody “and have you met my lawyer Gloria Allred?” Jason immediately breaks down in tears sobbing “Ty is the most important thing to me on this earth. I thought bringing him a new mommy from TV land would make him the happiest boy in the world but I now realize that he needs his real mommy.” They embrace and get remarried on the spot.

As Jason goes to get on bended knee and propose to Melissa, Miss “kitten kisses” Stephanie, comes out from behind a bush with a knife, drags Melissa off to a secluded area of the garden and holds her hostage until Jason agrees to “make what once was a broken family whole again” and pay for eyebrow tweezing for the rest of her life. She also admits that she used to be a man. Eventually a SWAT team comes in and attempts to take Stephanie out accidentally hitting a camera man instead causing the actual “most dramatic ceremony ever.”

After telling Molly that he has “absolutely fallen for her and wants to spend the rest of his life with her – but he loves Melissa a smidgeon more” we pan over the the next limo only to see -not Jillian – but DeAnna. A very knocked up DeAnna waddles down the path to Jason who is surrounded by rose petals and tells him that the real reason she had to break up with Jesse is that she found out she was pregnant with Jason’s child. Since then she’s been in turmoil because although she only wanted to be an LA fame whore, this pregnancy has given her so much more…press and if Jason will only say yes, they can exploit this for all it’s worth.

If you have a scenario that would beat one of those, feel free to lay it on me.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on February 16, 2009 5:49 pmUncategorized15 comments  

Still Strangers

When people hear that I have twins one of the first questions I’m usually asked is, “Is your mother around to help you?” The answer to that question is like one of the options for relationship status on Facebook: It’s complicated. I haven’t spoken to my mother since Elby turned two. She bought her a tricycle but yet she’s never seen her ride it. Of course since Elby turned four last November she has a big girl bike she rides everywhere anyway. Elby doesn’t know my mother as her grandmother. I think she has a vague idea that I have a mommy too since there are pictures of me as a little girl with my mom on display but when “grandma” calls that means Jon’s mother. When a package comes from Gram and Gramps that only means Jon’s parents have remembered her birthday or sent her something “just because.”

My mother’s never seen my baby girls. I don’t know if she even knows how small Sadie was when she came out or how scared we were in those first months. I do know that she knew I was pregnant with twins because after hearing it through the grapevine, I did get a card wishing me luck. I can’t help but to wonder if she cared how my pregnancy turned out.

When the babies were colicky and Jon couldn’t come home from work to help me, it was my brother and sister-in-law who came over, held babies, refilled my wine, read Elby stories when I couldn’t and listened to me cry. Jon and I couldn’t have done it without them -which only makes me realize even more how important family is in these types of situations.

It’s funny and trite and complex how your view of parental relationships change when you have children. When I was pregnant, I was bursting with ideas of how I would parent differently than I was parented. I knew the good – and fully intended to pass that on and I knew the bad and planned to avoid it at all costs. But sometimes the good and bad coexist in ways you can’t know until you’re in the thick of it. A love of reading comes from introducing your child to books early and reading to them relentlessly. But when you love books, it means you also read them and tell your child “just a minute, let me finish this page” way too many times because your head is in a book and you can’t be bothered to pay attention to their story.

The bottom line though is now that I have my kids, I can’t imagine what it would take for me to not speak to them (and my mom’s currently not speaking to my brother either). I’m pretty sure they’d have to kill me first. And even then, I’d come and haunt them. “Sadie, I know you killed me but are they feeding you enough in prison?” “Elby, I may be dead but I still think that jumpsuit looks fantastic on you! Not everyone can do vertical stripes.” “Mattie, no biting!”

I guess my mother and I will never see eye to eye on this. Some people say, “Well, it’s her loss.” And I used to think it wasn’t. Because if it felt like a loss to her she’d make attempt to regain it. But I look at my three gorgeous girls and I have to agree; it’s a huge loss. And it’s hers.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on February 9, 2009 11:25 pmUncategorized47 comments  

The Small Baby Blog II

Some of you have been asking for an update on Sadie (fine, one of you). I haven’t been updating quite as much about her because my obsession with her weight gain has thankfully become less all consuming. That is not to say that what she eats/doesn’t eat, drinks/doesn’t drink and does developmentally/doesn’t yet do isn’t on my mind everyday, it’s just that with all the support I have and the consistant – if slight – gains she makes, I have relaxed a bit in searching for answers.

There’s a woman who’s son goes to preschool with my daughter. Her son is a tiny guy -he probably weighs 24 or so pounds and he’s three. This is the same woman who planted the Russell Silver Syndrome thought in my brain -which took me weeks of Xanax therapy to remove. When I talk to her and realize what our kids have in common I have to figuratively put my fingers in my ears and say “la la la la la la la la la” while she throws around words like endocrinologist, growth hormones, growth specialists, geneticists and syndrome. It’s pretty much the same thing I do when Elisabeth Hasselback speaks on The View. No one in our circle of therapists thinks that Sadie has a syndrome of any kind. The consensus is the kid was just born tiny, my womb failed to provide her the proper nourishment and she’s not a fan of eating. That much hasn’t changed.

As of yesterday, Sadie weighs 15.11 and she’s 14 months old. And, yes folks, that’s WITH a g-tube. What I failed to realize when we went in for the g-tube surgery, is that although putting in the g-tube definitely helped to stabilize Sadie’s weight and make sure she doesn’t lose any, it’s not a miracle weight gain tool. I kind of thought it would be. I mean, with all the vacillating over getting it or not getting it, I couldn’t help but think that we would be rewarded for our bravery in putting her through the surgery by waking up a few months later with a fat and happy baby. I thought she’d gain faster than Oprah when she falls off the mashed potato wagon. Not so much. Babies can only take so much formula and food whether by mouth or by tube. Sadie does not have the capacity in her little belly to take much more than two ounces at a time.

At first we’d try and slowly build her up to bigger and bigger feedings but she’d eventually spit them back up. Finally I realized that she is who she is and on my own accord went to just giving her a couple of ounces at a time frequently throughout the day. Luckily, her occupational therapist has taught her to drink through a straw cup and she takes much of her Pediasure on her own. We then give her another eight ounces at night with a pump -a pump which, by the way, gives both me and my husband performance anxiety every night. If you do anything or nothing wrong while setting it up, the alarm goes off in a most annoying manner. Especially since there is ANOTHER BABY sleeping in the room and a four-year-old across the hall. Sometimes it takes us four or five tries to get the pump going. We are on our second pump so I don’t think it’s a mechanical thing. It’s sort of like playing that Operation Game when you were a kid. If you so much as touched the edges while removing the plastic pancreas with the little tweezers a buzz went off so loud you practically jumped out of your beanbag chair. Also, after the feeding is done, the alarm goes off again and we (me) have to go turn it off at three a.m.

So Sadie is growing and I’m still tired. Also, she’s almost walking. She can pull to a stand on almost anything and has stood up by herself from the floor once (she refused to do it again). So, she’s still behind – or delayed (whatever that really means) but she is catching up like a mother fucker!

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on February 6, 2009 4:32 pmUncategorized23 comments  

AI – I love you.

How great was American Idol last night? I LOVE the girl from Puerto Rico who knows she’s an international superstar. God how I hope she makes it into the top 12. I want to be her -just flouncing around in mermaid dresses and way too much blush, imagining that the whole world is pleased as punch to spend even five minutes being graced by my exceptional personality. Wouldn’t that be fun? Instead I’m constantly putting my foot in my mouth after saying something unintentionally inappropriate and then feeling guilty for a month. I WANT TO NOT CARE! Sort of like I don’t care about my personal grooming anymore. I want to throw my head back and let loose with a cackling insane laugh positive that the whole planet is on my side. I want to hand out my press kit with pictures of myself half nude and not see a thing wrong with it. Instead the extent of promoting myself is updating my Facebook status by announcing I had a delicious piece of salmon for lunch. Oh well.

So I want to turn you on to a new very funny blog Lulu and Moxley. It’s by a mom of twins but she mainly writes about pop culture with a nice acerbic bent. You’ll thank me later.

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on February 5, 2009 6:56 pmUncategorized10 comments  

The Bach – So Bad You Have To Love It!

Last night’s episode was hilarious. I wrote a whole column on it for mommytrackd so I won’t go into a whole diatribe about why I think Jason is the biggest cheese monkey to ever flex his guns on a dating show – but suffice it to say – HE HAS A CHILD and that’s exploitive even by my standards. But put that out of your mind and let’s trash it! First off, let’s discuss Stephanie. I know she’s a widow. I get it. I feel bad. But is she taking all her angst out on her eyebrows? Can’t she let just a little tiny bit of fuzz grow in? The whole look between the huge cheek (implants), crazy lips, no brows and Botoxed to death features makes me think of the puppet Lady Elaine from Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. I’m just glad Jason finally let her leave because her whole suffocating tenderness vibe was freaking me out. When they did the “blindfold Jason and have the ladies kiss him game” was there any doubt that Stephanie kissing both his hands “tenderly” then planting the softest softest softest kitten kisses on his eyelids before moving down to his mouth was going to cause retching?

So she’s gone and now we’re down to four:

Molly: I don’t know. The jury is still out for me. I just can’t work up feelings about her either way. She doesn’t bug me, nor does she interest me. Kind of like ordering chicken at a restaurant. If you’re going to go out, why not order the fish? You can always have chicken. Check your freezer. I guarantee you there is some frozen chicken in there. If you want it, go and defrost it, and then have it tonight. See? Jason you could meet this chick any night of the week at a Bennigans. Or in your freezer. I’m going 5/2 odds on her. She likes beer pong.

Melissa: I think she’s got a good chance. She’s exactly like the other cheerleader from the Bachelor season with Brad/Chad the twins. She’s bubbly, approximately fourteen and totally ready to be a mom. I mean, come on, she said right on camera that being a mom is like second nature to her. People please! She has definitely babysat once or twice. How hard could it be? I’m giving her 1/2 odds. The only problem could be that her parents are sane enough to refuse to whore themselves out for a reality show. Jason could feel that his in-laws to be may not back his decision to make a career out of his 15 min.

Naomi: Just the fact that I practically had to consult the website to even remember that this girl is still on the show is enough to tell me that she will be eliminated next. Men might like her because she seems a little dirty and she has that hair in the face thing that bugs me but also pleases the fellows. But she needs a full personality lift. Can you think of one thing that she likes or has even said on the show? I didn’t think so. Plus, in some shots she reminds me of a gypsy and I automatically make sure my purse is nearby where I can see it. I give her 24/1 shot.

Jillian: By and large I have a love affair with Canadians. They seem to possess a superior sense of irony and use phrases like “fucking the dog” to mean wasting time. But not Jillian. She seems to think it’s the highest form of humor to rate a man based on what he likes on his hotdog. As a lover of funny, I haven’t forgiven her for that. She seems like a perfectly nice person but one you’d never notice walking down the street or even seated in your living room. And nothing against nice but it doesn’t make great TV and that is what Jason is after. Next week she is going to have a little mini breakdown so maybe I’ll change my mind because after all, I do like the crazy.

Also, isn’t Deanna supposed to show up at some point? As they teased it earlier in the season, Deanna’s going to say “I made a huge mistake” which we are supposed to take to mean that she picked Jesse the dorkiest man alive who couldn’t look good in a hat to save his life when she should have picked Jason. I don’t think that’s what she will have meant by it. I think she will go on to explaint that she made a mistake in choosing Jesse. Period. And her advice to Jason will be to “think long and hard about your decision.” And then we’ll all feel mislead by “reality” TV even though we know better. But still, I CAN’T WAIT!

Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on February 4, 2009 12:27 amUncategorized12 comments  


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