I think the best time to talk about American Idol is now after I’ve just watched it (TiVo’d from last night because I fell asleep because the babies are teething so ferociously that there is no sleep ever to be had in this house at normal times) and Matilda is chewing on an old yogurt container while I type. And Sadie is taking a rare nap.
Okay, despite what a few of you said, I thought Paula was in rare form! She seemed totally out of it, said things that made no sense, drifted off mid-sentence and made reference Bucky Covington as an example of good things that can come of Idol. She redeemed herself to me. Thank you, thank you for bringing back your signature brand of nuts.
Here’s my break-down of the events that unfolded:
Jackie Tohn (First chick in the crazy 80’s outfit) First off, I didn’t enjoy the sneakers. Her voice was good but her arms are way too long to be the next American Idol. There really needs to be some kind of cap on arm length with these contestants. Plus she had more energy than a Labrador puppy which is an irritating quality in a singer and a toddler. Also, being called a great entertainer? Maybe a compliment for Sammy Davis Jr. but not for an AI contestant. It’s a singing competition, not a tap dancing, vaudville show.
Ricky Braddy (Guy in glasses who did Leon Russell song ): Eh. I bet he makes it but only because he has a sort of Clay Aiken big voice lots of vibratto thing. I don’t know. I’m sure he’s good but I just can’t get behind it.
Alexis Grace (Pink hair): She was great. She’s definitely in.
Brent Keith (unmemorable): What happened to his hair? He looked hot in the audition flash back but really boring on the show. I couldn’t tell you what he sang so we will speak of him no more.
Casey Carlson (really pretty) Train wreck. This is what happens when you are too pretty for your own good. You get overconfident and do weird things with your mouth while looking directly into the camera. Note to contestants: do not look directly at the camera while making kissy faces. It makes us uncomfortable. Are you trying to make-out with us? Were you molested as a child?
Anoop Desai: I don’t get it. Really. But when Paula compared him to Brian McKnight it almost redeemed his performance because that was hilarious and further confirmed that her crazy is back. If we have to see him tonight, let’s please not call him Noop Dawg. Randy, can I get confirmation from you that you’ll comply? Dawg is over. Is that why it’s funny?
Anne Marie Boskovich (Joan Baez hair for you older ladies who get the reference): Anne, you disappointed me tonight. I loved her in the audition when she sang Bubbly. I thought she had a beautiful, clear voice and figured her a sure contender. But when she broke out “Natural Woman” I was like, “Oh no.” You have to have a kick ass voice to do Aretha (not to sound like the judges – but I am judgy) Kelly Clarkson sang that song in season one and it put her into the top two right then and there. Anne got herself a one way ticket back to…another city…that she’s from I guess.
Michael Sarver: The judges just love this guy and his bald welder, oil worker, something dirty friend. Frankly I don’t see either one of them going to the next round. Remember when they brought them in together and told them only one of them would make it and then – surprise! – they both made it because they couldn’t choose! Well, I thought neither one of them should have made it and I stand by that decision. Don’t try to beg, Michael. It won’t work. Unless you bring me Lemon Heads. Cause I like that kind of candy a lot.
Stevie Wright: Good name. Shitty voice. And her forhead was very shiny. I suggest bangs. I mean, look, I have a big ass and know enough to wear a longer shirt. It’s that simple.
Stephen Fowler (the one who forgot his words on the Hollywood round. Oh, and he has a HUGE AFRO) UM…NO.
Tatiana: I’m so sorry and I know this is seriously catty and I don’t mean it to be but did she gain a hundred pounds between the auditions and this round? You’d pretty much have to eat nothing but Whoppers all day everyday to achieve this kind of weight gain success in such short a time. I should know – it’s called the El Pollo Loco diet and it differs from the Subway Diet in the way it makes you gain weight instead of lose. I swear by it. Just ask an old pair of my Seven jeans.
Oh, and unlike the judges, I didn’t think her singing was all that good. It was okay. But we need her for drama. She will end up with a drug addiction like Nikki McKibbin and at least get to go on Celebrity Rehab and then Sober House if we’re lucky.
Danny Gokey: I know his story is supposed to pull my heart strings and it TOTALLY DOES – do you think I’m made of granite? But his voice is also insanely good. He’s a fucking church choir leader. This guy might be G0d. Me likey.