Archive for November, 2008
So in the interest of always maintaining my insane level of disclosure and honesty even at the risk of sounding like a crazy person – although, it may just make you all even more understanding of why I need to be medicated – yesterday I had a complete freak out that I was doing the wrong thing going the G-tube route. I suddenly felt that I hadn’t fully researched it and was just doing what the doctor said because it made a lot of sense at the time. I know I’m not in control of everything and I’m definitely not in control of Sadie circumstances but on the other hand, I can work a little harder at getting more nutrition into her. I phoned her nutritionist who was kind enough to talk to me about at least postponing her surgery for a month to see what else we can do.
The thing is, besides being small and not eating enough, Sadie has no other medical issues as far as we can tell. And she eats close to the amount of what she would be getting even with the G-tube, so yes, I’m an obsessive fickle freak but I’m just keeping you all up to date. I see her surgeon for the consult today and although I’m going to go in and hear him out I’m going to ask if we can put this off a bit longer.
Someone anonymously added a comment to a post I wrote awhile ago about anxiety where I stated that I have a tendency to dig my nail into the soft spot in the middle of my thumb when I’m nervous. I have a pretty good callous there. This person said she’s never admitted before to anyone but she does the same thing and when she goes for a nail appointment she gets asked about it and it embarrasses her. Well, guess what, anonymous, this should make you feel even better. I have another habit which is even worse and more embarrassing. I have a tendency to pull and pick at my hair on top of my scalp when I’m stressed out. Apparently there is a medical term for this called tricotillomania which can be much worse than the type I have. I’ve been doing this since I was eleven years old and I can’t stop. I pray every time I change hair dressers that they won’t mention the tiny little hairless spot on top of my head because it’s humiliating. The other day another writer friend of mine told me that she pulls out her bangs when she writes and it was such a relief to hear someone else does this strange thing too. So, if any of you out there have a strange or embarrassing habit, you are welcome to share. It’s safe! No judgement here! And seriously, I’d never talked to anyone about my scalp/hair pulling thing before either so we’re all sharing. Let’s sing Kum Ba Ya!
So this little shaver does need a G-tube placed. Thank you all for your sweet comments. You know, I remember awhile ago I posted about getting a slew of bad reviews based on ridiculousness on my book and a lot of you chimed in to reassure me that those people are crazy and that you love me…blah blah blah. Then someone named, Anonymous, of course, wrote in to say something to the effect of “You just wrote this because you knew your readers would give you strokes and you can’t take criticism” etc. At first I was offended but then I realized, DUH. It’s my blog; I’m not writing it for criticism, not matter how constructive it may be. I don’t delete comments but I don’t need to because people that read my blog are, hopefully, reading it because they already enjoy what I have to say whether or not they agree with me all the time. So when I wrote that post the other day about all the psychos at Yahoo Shine, I was obviously hoping you’d all write “fuck those Yahoos” and you did. And it was more healing than a bag of Cheetos. What I’m trying to say is Thank You. Thank you for being on my side. Thank you for reading my blog even when I’m too busy to leave comments on yours. Thanks for your patience. Thanks for sharing your stories with me and letting me lean on you. I have friends in my direct life but when you blog, you find kindred spirits, people going through similar experiences who are right there, stepping up to help the ones right behind them feel better about what they’re going through whether it’s having that first baby, losing the pregnancy weight, dealing with a child with special needs or getting a G-tube put in your 13 pound 1-yr-old.
The procedure should be happening in the next couple of weeks and she’ll need to be in the hospital for a few days. That should suck. But, having her gain weight will be a fantastic Christmas present.
Did anyone watch SNL on Sat. night? I did not because I believe I was in bed by 9 but through the magic of TiVo, I was able to watch it last night. Um…WHAT HAPPENED? There was so many gay gags and jokes it was unbearable. Seriously, did they just farm the script out to a frat house, give them four kegs, and have them knock out some sketches? Do the writers think that people don’t understand sublty or irony anymore so they just need to whack us on the head with MEN KISSING! Hilarious. Men admitting to having sex with a male cab driver HA HA HA, Men dancing in leotards and heels –HEE HEE HEE! Gay people are just like that! All of them! Jiffy Lube workers deciding they are in love and getting married. HO HO.
I lost count at about 8 gay sketches before falling asleep. Saturday Night Live, you are not funny anymore. P.S. since someone already commented about this, I sort of get that it had to do with prop 8 but it was no way seeming anti prop 8 or helping the cause at all –in fact, I think it made it worse.
In other news, I wrote a post about Sadie being underweight and it bringing up issues for me (worry, obsession) and being focused on getting food into her. I directed you all to it awhile ago. Well, Yahoo Shine got a hold of it and, I’m sorry, but moms (not my readers) are freaking crazy. I can’t believe how many comments I got from people saying either “you’re a bad mom who’s going to give your kid an eating complex” or “you’re a bad mom in general” or “get over it and relax.” I’ve decided that any future posts that go onto Yahoo are going to be so crazy on my part that the commentors will get all confused and the site will implode.
You can see what I mean if you want to here but I hate to give these losers more traffic.
The G word (gastric feeding tube) has been broached with Jon and me by our ped. GI.
We’d just had a session with our nutritionist who is worried but thinks that we haven’t exhausted every route of getting more calories into her. We may not have but I’ll tell you what, I’m exhausted. Our house looks like a damn feeding clinic with all the cut out cups, array of nipples, full body bibs…I just want her to grow. Our ped. GI Dr. Edelstein (who is awesome) is afraid that if she continues to grow this slowly it may affect her brain development. We have an appointment with her on Tuesday to decide a course of action.
Sadie is getting even more difficult to feed. You’d think her bottles contained lighter fluid rather than yummy yummy formula – sometimes with yogurt added for an extra calorie kick! We’ve tried feeding her from a cup (regular, sippy, straw etc.) we’ve tried every food there is and she still takes a certain amount and then is done. And when Sadie’s done, there’s no arguing about it. The look on her face tells you “What part of I don’t want anymore do you not get? Do I need to have a screaming fit to better explain it to you?”
Her nutritionist thinks she is still experiencing reflux (the silent kind) and feels she may need a higher dose of the Prevacid she’s been on (not covered by insurance -thanks Blue Cross – love ya, mean it).
So, basically our understanding is that because Sadie was an IUGR baby and didn’t develop as well in utero, she will probably have these issues for awhile maybe until she adolecent. Doesn’t that sound fabulous? We add butter to everything. If I thought it would help, I’d butter a gumball at this point. We put Benecal in the formula she will take. We wake her up at night to feed her sometimes twice.
Maybe, just maybe, as harsh as it sounds and as much as I’m freaking out, a G-tube wont’ be the worst thing that’s ever happened.
Updated to add:
Thank you all so far for your comments on this matter. I just want to do what’s best for her and not make eating any worse an experience for her than it already is. The most important thing is that this is about her and not about me. Although I do have the special gift of being able to make almost any situation about me, when it comes to our children, it’s just not. Enough sap, let’s drink!!