Archive for October, 2008
So I was about to submit some jokes for the last page of Radar magazine but the day I was going to do it, the magazine shut down. This is just my luck with lots of things. But just so it doesn’t completely go to waste, I’ll put my submission here to see what you think. I don’t know if you’ve read the last page of Radar but they do 100 things list every month. The one they gave me to write jokes for was 100 Ways to Survive the Recession.
Here you go:
100 Ways to Survive the Recession
Downgrade Clay Aiken fan club status from Platinum to Premier.
Take up a collection in your office to help you fight your battle against Restless Leg Syndrome.
Why pricy condoms when Saran wrap and a twist tie cost just pennies?
Switch from Sudafed to the less expensive generic decongestant to supply your meth lab.
Get back to working full time and stalking your ex part time.
Invest an extra hour a day to file a lot more frivolous lawsuits.
No more telling Kirstie Alley “Lunch is on me.”
Instead of buying it new, wait for Nailin’ Palin to get released on Netflix
Make the switch from Freudian therapy to aroma-therapy.
When it comes to dental floss, employ the buddy system.
Claim your other five personalities as deductions on your taxes.
Find that Bangladeshi kid you sponsored in the 80’s and collect with 9 percent compound interest.
Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on October 30, 2008 6:01 pm
this morning Jon took Elby to school so I could get a jump start on my writing day. While he was gone I did something I’m ashamed of: I downloaded an entire John Mayer album off of Itunes. Yes, I can’t stand the guy. I know I’ve stated my hatred for him here before; his comments about women, his ego, his bad attempts at stand-up comedy where he stated having nailed actresses. More than that, he’s a hack. But that voice. It just kind of kills me. I wish I liked much cooler music. I wish I liked music that matched the edge in my personality – and sometimes I do. But mostly, I like hooky, melodic, folksy, vocals forward music. And the sound of steel string guitar goes straight to my loins.
So Jon walks in the door and says, “Jesus, I cannot believe you bought a John Mayer CD behind my back. You are so busted.” For a minute I froze. How could he have known that I just downloaded it? He wasn’t even here and I was listening to it through my headphones. Then he says, “I found the evidence in the car! How could you?” And I remember that a couple of days ago, I bought another John Mayer CD at a used CD store. So yeah, now I own TWO John freaking uncool Mayer CD’s. But have you heard the song “Comfortable”? God it’s so beautiful. It kind of reminds me of another singer I love, Dan Fogelberg….AHHHH kill me now.
Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on October 29, 2008 5:44 pm
Sometimes (all the time) having three babies feels unrelenting. There is not fun to be had right now. No dinners out, no Lifetime movie afternoons, no online poker – no being alone in my house -ever. I try to remind myself that this part won’t last forever, that at some point maybe when they’re 40, I will have a little freedom back. The doctor appointments are endless. Last week I took them to their NICU clinic which I’d previously blown off because they see so many doctors as it is that I didn’t want more tests and people assessing them and making me crazy. But the nutritionist said to do it so I did.
Every question the doctor asked about Sadie got a “no” from me.
“Does she indicate for things she wants?”
“Can she get into a sit position?”
“Can she say Mama or Dada to the right person?”
“Um, she can’t really say it at all.”
“Does she bang objects together?”
“Can she roll a ball?”
“Is she pulling to a stand?”
“Okay, now I want to hurt you.”
Yet, magically, Sadie scored well on her tests – although she refused to take a duck out from under a little plastic lid no matter how many times the woman said “Look, Sadie, a duck! Get the duck Sadie! Come on, get the duckie.” Finally I said, “I don’t think Sadie gives two shits about ducks but, hang on. I grabbed a spoon out of her box and replaced the duck with the spoon which Sadie promptly grabbed out with no effort and stuck it in her mouth.
After all the stress she’s only about a month behind her adjusted age for most things. Of course her weight was a concern to everyone but all they had to offer was “Are you adding butter or oil to her food?” Good advice, NICU! If only I’d come here sooner, Sadie would be well on her way to being cast on a Maury Povich big baby show.
Meanwhile Matilda who is a one woman wrecking crew in my house — she’s twenty pounds of pure destruction. She’s already taking steps, can make it out the front door and down the street if you take your eyes off of her for three seconds, eats all finger foods, says mama and daddy…was the worry of her occupational therapist. The reason? Naturally, she would do none of those tricks on command. She looked at the therapist like a dog might eye the UPS guy. She cried and cried. The therapist wanted to know if she’s always like this. “She’s fine” I said. “Seriously, she’s the smartest one in this room. I have no worries. Now why don’t you go have a look at the other 11-months old who is only 13 fucking pounds!”
But in other news, Sadie is scooting all over the house. She is starting physical therapy next week and will be seeing therapists four times a week. Twice with the OT and twice with the PT plus a nutritionist once a month. Plus, her regular pediatrician visits. And my book is still due in a month. So, life is great. Actually, it sort of is! Here’s Sadie saying “As soon as I learn to walk – look out, I’m comin’ for ya!”
Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on October 28, 2008 6:39 pm
Just to prove to you all that I am in fact still writing stuff down. I did a follow-up letter to my bff Angelina Jolie. But due to the fact that they pay me and keeping in mind that my book is deadline is giving me writer’s block.
Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on October 18, 2008 3:45 pm
This book I’m writing is not about parenting. It’s not about anything. But it’s about everything. And although it’s funny cause I’m a joke writer primarily, it’s not all funny. Some of it is downright depressing. When I write I will tell you straight out I feel like a fraud. Will people think these are no more than journal writings? I ask myself over and over again. I pick up books by some of my favorite authors; Augusten Burroughs, Cynthia Heimel, Merrill Markoe and I marvel over how effortless they make it seem – like putting words on a page is no different than pouring a cup of coffee – like choosing which sentence which metaphor is the same as choosing a brand of peanut butter.
I know that I’m too sensitive to the mean things that people have said and will inevitably say to my innermost thoughts that I have the nerve to put on display and call myself an author. They will pick it apart and call me shallow or worse, not read it at all. But I can’t help but write. And for some reason which will never be fully understood to me, I have a book deal and a publisher who likes the way I write. So I continue. But for me, writing is like a teeth gnashing, beer guzzling, anxiety producing endeavor.
When I wrote for TV it was easier – in part I think – because it was a discipline that I’d worked on for years. I went to work, drank some coffee, snorted a few lines of coke and got down to the business of creativity. Some comedian friends used to say to me “Hey, I’d like to be a TV writer too. Can you hook me up?” and I’d think about what a huge difference there is between doing the same five minute act onstage a few nights a week and sitting at a desk for eight hours being funny. It’s not the same thing. In a way I feel like one of those people who thinks “Hey, if I can do it for TV why not write a book?” It’s different. And to prove how much harder it is and how little time I have to myself, my brows are hairier than Frida Kahlo and my legs put my husband’s to shame -in girth and amount of hair. But I am getting the hair on my head cut today just to spite the muse. I’m starting to look like Joan Baez.
Think good thoughts for me. And, sure, the economy too.
Posted by Stefanie Wilder Taylor on October 7, 2008 12:47 am